Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Everyone,

This is sammy. I am very new to this website and these forums. I guess this is the first time i am posting a msg or taking part in a forum. Since past 2 weeks, i wanted to share something to someone about my relationship. Finally i came across this website. I hope this will be of a good help for me for making a decision and i hope i get some good feedback. well here is my story.

I am in relationship wtih a guy for past 7yrs and we have a long distance relationship. we were actually together for 3yrs when we were in india. but later after taht i had to come here to US for my studies, but we still continued the relationship to this present day. i dont have any complains about my boy friend in any way, except taht he is very conservative and he has certain ways he wants me to be like. but, i always respected his ideas or thoughts. even though i didnt like them i always use to respect it. he is definetly a very good caring person. all this time days passed by and we are happy together. we do have a lot of differences in doing certain things, but sometimes some issues are unresolved between us. we just let it go when we start arguing about something.

The problem started when i met this other guy here is US a month ago. he is a north indian (i'm not) and i met him a month ago. we got really close in very short time. he is honest wiht me about his past. he did had a past which was not good. he was a flirty kind of person before but now he started looking for someone that he wants to marry and have some serious commitment. we came across each other and he proposed me. in the beginning i told him that i already have a BF and its a long term relationship so it cant happen between us, but we still continued to talk with each other. i think i got really attracted to him. the way he is, the way he is very honest wiht me i reallly admire that in him. we have a lot of similarities between us and i am sure we click.
we do talk to each other as a boy friend and girl friend manner. we dont talk like friends. and i think i really love him. i feel so guilty in doing this becoz just thinking of the fact that i am already in a relationship but i still cant stop thinking about this new guy. i tried my best in the beginning to not to talk to him and think about him, but i guess i just coulnt stop myself from doing it. even now i still keep thinking about him. once we also got in touch physically. i always knew i am not doing a right thing and he also knows taht i have a BF and its a long term relationship. but he always tells me that if i am ready he doesnt mind accepting me as his better half. he said he doesnt have any problem with my past. yesterday we had a discussion on whats going to happen between us. how is this relationship going to end. i told him i dont know. he said he needs to know about this because if i say yes, he wants to make it a serious commintment and if i say no he said we should stop all this.

i've been thinking about this since last night and feel really terrible.i sometimes think that i shoudlnt have even gone wtih him because i am already commited to someone. but it happend. and i do feel bad for what i did but i couldnt just help myself. i am really happy wiht my second boy friend. eventhough he had a very bad past i dont have any problems with it becoz i know he changed himself and wanted to be serious hereafter. but i really want to know waht to do. i sometimes keep thinking that i should not even think about this because i cant ditch my first boy friend because it was a serious commitment and was very long relationship. but i am not sure if i will be able to forget my second boy friend. i really really really love him. i am really afraid of waht kind of decision to make and how my first boy friend going to react if i tell him that we cant get married because i found someone here. i also feel very guilty near my friends. my parents dont know about my love relationships at all (not the first one or the second one). but all my friends do (they only know about my first Boy friend, they dont know anything about my second boy friend) and also some of my cousins. i really afraid that what kind of impression does it leave on me if i go with my second boy friend. i really dont know. so please i am hoping that someone can help me on this. please suggesnt and direct me to right decision. sammy replied. i never said i am ready to get married and will only marry second guy...i am actually asking you all for a suggestion...i guess the way i put it (my story) had put an impression that i will only go for the second one...but thats not the case...i didtn make a choice yet...and i am not in a hurry to get married...but i strongly think that i have to make a choice as to who to choose....so i can continue my relationship with an other guy...

by the way i am not leaving all by myself...i have a family here and i am leaving with my family...

its not that i liked the second one for timepass or something...i just fell for him...before this second bf many other guys did propose and flirt with me, but i always maintain distance with those guys cuz i know i am already in a relationship...i never fell the same thing for any other guys(not the first bf) like i did for my second bf...i myself am not sure why i have such a feeling for this second guy...thats the reason i asked all of your suggestion to direct me to the right decision...

anyhow, i really wanted to thank you all for your time and response... NIMMI replied. I think you are just a person who gets attracted very easily towards another sex. I think you should not spoil life of either guy1 or guy2. What is the guarantee that again you won't be attracted twoards another guy i.e. guy3.
You should concentrate on your career & after 3-4 yrs when you get matured then take decision. I am sure till that time you will come across guy3,4,5...So many people will come in your life but who is the right person that you & Your heart can only decide.

So, wait & have patience. Don't jump into any relationship... NIMMI replied. I think you are just a person who gets attracted very easily towards other sex. I think you should not spoil life of either guy1 or guy2. What is the guarantee that again you won't be able to attracted twoards another guy i.e. guy3.
You should concentrate on your career & after 3-4 yrs when you get matured then take decision. I am sure till that time you will come across guy3,4,5...So many people will come in your life but who is the right person that you & Your heart can only decide.

So, wait & have patience. Don't jump into any relationship... NIMMI replied. I think you are just a person who gets attracted very easily towards other sex. I think you should not spoil life of either guy1 or guy2. What is the guarantee that again you won't be able to attracted twoards another guy i.e. guy3.
You should concentrate on your career & after 3-4 yrs when you get matured then take decision. I am sure till that time you will come across guy3,4,5...So many people will come in your life but who is the right person that you & Your heart can only decide.

So, wait & have patience. Don't jump into any relationship... s replied. I think you should be upfront with your first bf. Going back to him is a betrayal of both of you. I don't agree with someone esle's comment that you should marry the one who loves you, not the one who you love. To me that is a marriage of convenience. You will pretend to be happy if you do that, just out of guilt. And, in your context, you will be secretly be yearning for guy 2, and this will slowly takes its toll.

So should you then marry the second guy? That's a tough one to answer. I don't want to give an opinion without more on him. I don't know what you mean by 'his past was not good\";, or 'he is a flirty kind of person'. Does it mean he had a gf? So what? Unless you feel he is incapable of making a commitment, I would say, either go for him or wait it out till your mind is clear.

PS - for all those women who seem to have prejudged guy 2, look at the situation from guy 1's point of view. Is the poster herself morally any better than guy 2? I can only imagine the response guy 1 will get from fellow males when he posts his side of the story in a mens' forum (assuming he comes to know about guy 2)! your friend replied. someone ones made me realise that our tomorrow should come from today. that means we must see where our life is going before we decide on anything. so, are you planning to go back to India in the future when you marry your first bf? or are you planning to stay in US? your career and stuff should play an important part in this decision. Afterall you don't want to wake up one day and realise what a disiluusion all this is, like many women in this forum. We all know and realise that it is very very very important for a woman to be finacially and emotionally independent from a guy.
Also, why don't you completely get out of this confusion, give yourself somet iem and space and meet more people and realise who is it you are actually looking for? to me it seems that you are not really interested in any of these guys. Anju replied. Hi,
Always go for someone who loves you, not the one you love.
Anju simple replied. Know what ...? u r already decided to marry 2nd guy.
But u r only expecting supportive response than serious advise.Because anyone can c what feelings u r going thru.

So, Carry on with ur life without any guilt.Yes u were wrong in meeting 2nd guy.
But if u were really loving 1st guy,You wouldnt even given 2nd guy chance to meet u this often and this close.

So u never loved that 1st guy seriously and could see many differences in thoughts.

Now,U love this 2nd one heartily and seeking him strong though he is not faithful.
So ,For sure u can't justice 1st guy.So be frank with him and dont cheat him ....CArry on with 2nd guy

But before proceeding check his family history and other things...Because u mght remain as a victim for not living in reality . feel replied. Hi Sammy,
Ur 2nd BF is not in to serious commitment.If he is really changed...he wouldn't have maintained \";Physical Contact\"; wih you.

So what 'bout first guy...Being close in first 3 yrs have you ever met physically?!

I cant believ this 2nd guy is going to maintain serious relationship till end.

Seems u r attracted to him in ver first meet and he could catch it in the first meets and took advantage over it.
So be careful!
Anyone can suggest you to marry that sincere 1st guy to marry.But u decide urseld with whom u can be happy.
Is it possible to forget 1st guy after getting married to 2nd?! If so ,u can carry on with this guy.Because u r in to his attraction deeply ,and even if u marry 1st guy for society and guilt sake...u r going to compromise not only with ur life but also remember u r spoling his life too with ur dislike further.

So ,If u feel, u can live happily even if t's a short period with second guy(Because it's doubt he can be faithful to u) can marry 2nd one.

If u r more intrested in to secured long matured lige...choose 1st one.

So, DEcide well...Dont get ur friends and cousins get into picture...Think of ur life...

Friend replied. Don't know what to tell you except You have created trouble for your selves in your life by getting physical with the second guy..
If you marry the first one and later on if he comes to know about the second guy
then Hell is going to break loose.
If you go with the second guy then 'are you really sure that he will be the same loving, understanding person till the end?'.To top it all you have said that he was a flirt and he has changed etc.,..How do you think Flirts get girlfriends?By lying or posing that they have changed and want to remain only yours etc.,,..But he may have REALLY changed .I dont know how you are going to really find that out for SURE without letting his charm and physical attractions blind your eyes and cloud your mind?!?!!!?!...
As of now I would suggest this...Other than getting married to a guy concentrate your mind and widen it other things in life...Tell both the guys that 'you are not interested in marriage right now and give it some time...Put marriage far away in life....Tell guy number one that you want to study more and become something whatever and slowly cut down touch with him..With the second guy stop mingling with him and tell him u r not interested in a relationship with him either just want to study and do something ..you would know better than me about what to say..Stop seeing him. and REALLY study well and try to become something..You being in USA can do a whole lot of things...What I am trying to say is postpone your bridegroom selection for now and give it time!!!.Right now whatever you decide is going to one of your hasty hearts' not of your minds'!!!..
This time gap will really reveal to you who you want ..number 1 or number 2...
You might even get the courage and clarity of mind to tell your first that you are truly in love with another fellow...OR
You will realise the true and undying love of your first for you....
This time interval will reveal to you which one is true and meant for you.
Ofcourse You need tremendous patience and self control...
GoodLuck