Relationships  Discussion Forum

First, I must apologize for writing in a forum that is primarily for women. Perhaps, in my mind, there is no better place to find some sanity for my situation than space read and advised by women themselves.
I’m married, father of 3 beautiful girls (Twins – aged 4, youngest 2) whom I love very much. The marriage as you might put it is non existent. There is not a topic/conversation that we agree on. From a man’s perspective, I can tell you that all I want is a hug from my wife when I come back from work and a loving “how was your day?”. Instead, my day begins and ends with an argument. I almost dread going back home because I know exactly the course of events that will follow. My only sanity at home are the kids – they are the reason that call me home everyday.
I respect my wife as a person. She is very smart, extremely hardworking and has supported me in becoming what I am today. But there is no mental and physical connection with her. I look around and find couples happy, smiling, so much in love with each other. I’m 38, in great shape and often thought of walking out but thoughts about my kids keep me rooted. It will be extremely stressful on them and me. Its also stressful to put them through our endless bickering. In the past 6 months or so I’ve learned to shut down and just walk away. I miss having fun conversations, laughter and just hugs. Thought I’d share, men do have similar situations.
Preeti replied. Dear honest guy,

I mentioned that you need to tell her how you feel. Remember when shes expressing what she needs also from this marriage...you gotta listen..and come through on your promises. Give her one day out of the week for herself. You take care of the kids for the day. She will love you even more for that....you love her and shes worth it. Preeti replied. Hi,

Its takes alot of courage for a man to admit what you have. Its true women sometimes dont realize that a man needs to be loved. You speak so highly of her...you love her alot. That's why you're still in the marriage. Somewhere down the line the communication stopped. After having children, most women dont realize their husbands need love and attention too. Maybe you need to remind her of things used to be between the two when you first got married. Do little romantic things that will remind her of you. A rose on her pillow. Go for a picnic just the two of you...plan it well, women love that. On the picnic talk about the things that make you both happy. Remind her how much love her and tell her what you miss and what changes you like to see, about the hugs and some of the other things you mentioned in this email. Tell her this marriage means the world to you. The thing is..anyone reading this email will know what you miss but she might not realize it....YOU HAVE TO TELL HER. Sometimes even women can be unaware of their partner's needs.

Wishing you all the best.
Preeti InAustin replied. Thanks for all the messages. I value your comments. Walking out is not an option for me because of the kids. They are as much as my responsibility as hers. I don't expect her to do anything more than what I would not want to do myself. The kids are in a good montessori, we have a maid come in for help, I help the kids dress up for school, drop them and even help out in cooking. I do this because I love doing it for the kids and would do more if I had the energy. Me and my wife used to be real good friends. I guess I just miss that. I've taken up an assigment that would put me back in India eventually. Meanwhile I shuttle between Texas and Bangalore... woman replied. Pl follow SM's first step and see the difference...she'll just keep quite and feel secured.
It works definitely...

Even Me and My hubby used to argue alot...but donno what happened ...he suddenly changed and started to pamper me after an argument...He is telling whatever he wanted to convey..At the end he is simply pampering me ...And thats enough for a woman to feel secured and forget all fghts...So Pl try it...and restore her love..Don't blame on her !

All the best.At least u tried to resolve ur problem unlike other men.we appreciate it... I see..... replied. Your wife suffers from slight postpartum depression.Do you Have any idea how your day will be when you have to take care of 3 kids?...That too twins!!!Buddy she is going through too much..She must be totally drained out?.Have you ever given a thought about how she manages 3 kids whole day?...If you are going to tell me she also goes to work.. then go home and fall at her feet today and thank her for taking care of your kids all these days and keep thanking her everyday for doing it..
Ok, If you want her to be happy ,delighted and come running to hug and kiss you then first do something to lessen her burden.May be hire a full time servant or put teh twins in for longer hours in school and make sure take part in their schedule like dropping picking them up etc.,,.Or find other ways to give her less stressfull days And then tell her that you miss her hugs and kisses..
See she has gone through 2 deliveries and pregnancies..Don't you think she is somewhere else emotionally physically and mentally and you are somewhere...Only way to connect is tell her that you understand her stress and try to help her out
And if you talk one more time about walking out or you being in great shape for hugs and kisses your butt deserves a kick. S M replied. Hey one solution to your probs.

Next time as soon as she starts an argument,I know this can be very difficult for you to do but pull her and give her a tight kiss.

She how she reacts.Just tell her that you love her and want all of this to stop.

No don't walk away.Ask her what is trubling her that you guys cant have a relation of love and warmth.

Hey do you have ur folks nearby get your kids and ask your folks to take care of them for just one day go outwith your wife buy each other stuff let it be a surprise,and open it together.Go for a movie,binge on all junk foods you guys love.

Sometimes couples get caught up in the family way and lose out moments with each other.Find your way to her.You've known her for a very loooong time I guess,only you can know how and what she likes or liked in her early days.

Maybe she is also tired of taking care of the kids the whole day.

Take the first step ,sometimes the solutions to a problem are very simple its just that too many hurtful words are passed and you lose yourselves in that hurtful moment.

Take control of the situation.I am sure your marriage is just going to be fine.

All the best.Do every crazy thing you can think of.To hell with the age factor.Its your life and make the most of it.

Anju replied. Hi,
I am a mother of a 3 year old boy, who is going through similiar situations. My hus is an alcoholic, but i love him a lot and i believe that he loves me too. But i am never able to communicate what i exactly want from him. At times when we argue and are really hot, i always wish that he just hug me and that will be the end of the argument, but i cannot express it and ends up giving a message; something like i never ever want to even see you. Who knows whether this is the same prob with ur wife. Proper communication always helps. The next time you argue, just take a different step and hug her tight, let her feel secure and once she calms down probably you can talk it over.
Best wishes,
Anju Angel replied. Dear Austin,
Hi!May b the problem u r facing has diff. cause.First let's c it from her view........taking care of twins n a baby must b tooo much for her(i m a mother of three kids too)She too may not b getting time for herself........may b not even enough to catch a little sleep.It must b too much of stress to handle for her...........n may b she too needs a hug or few relaxing conversations.She may not b able to communicate it to u.Had she been working earlier than the change must b too much for her..........that is no personal life ,no parties,no brunhes at friends place,no friends,no quick peek a boos at movie...........that r equally imp.How often do u have sex.........its imp too may b she is craving for it....n not able to express.May b she wants to make love to u but very exhausted.May b she doesnt finds herself as attractive as she was before babies n is aware that u still do(n that thing is on subconcious mind).
U r ready to leave ur wife but why r u not ready to give a try to revive ur relationship???
Make her work easier,hire a domestic help or baby sitter.If not for long hrs then atleast for few hrs n take her for a movie.....or vacation(while kids r at their grandparents place)U too give her a hug n tell her how much u r missing her hugs.Talk to her more n tell wat u feel....n ask her wat she feels too.
U both take some multi vitamins n \";Aswagandha\";(Himalayan drug.co )to release tension.U both need break from ur respective work n give each other a little time.
Wat bout a shower together as u used to before kids.
Find out comman interest n spend sometime together.
Wat bout u doing baby sitting while she catches amovie with her friends..........this way u can know how it feels to b at home n take care of kids(it will also give u an idea how it wl b without her if u plan for seperation :) )
Try it out n tell me then.