Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,
I am 27 yr old. I am married from 2.5 years and mother of a 1 yr 3 months old baby girl. I am working in a s/w company. My husband is also working in a s/w company as a senior consultant. He earns very good money.My marriage was a arranged marriage and we got the proposal from internet. He spoke to me over phone and later my parents went to his native place and finalised the marriage. He belongs to a very poor family. His mother is no more, father is very old. Since this guy earns good money and frequently travel onsite, he has constructed a house in his native. In that house his bother,bothers wife with 2 kids (9yr,10yr) and father inlaw stays.My husband has 5 sisters, out of those 1 sister is very attached to him and this lady doesn´ t have kid. My husband financially supports all these people totally. I dont have any objection for this. This is the background of my husband family and important thing is they all are illiterate except my husband. My family is a very well to do family. My father is a senior class one officer. I have one brother who is also working in s/w company.
After I got married my husband started misbehaving me. He bits me,tells vulgar language etc. Sometimes he bahaves very politely also. His behaviour is very irratic. Initially I was compromising. Then I told my parents. My parents informed his brother as his father is very old (80yrs). But his brother kept quite. He forced me to have baby also. I thought it can be a bond for our relationship. So I agreed for that. I delivered baby girl. No one from his side came to see my baby. He always tells that as his family members are illiterate they cant come by train. After one month of my delivery I went to his place alone with the baby. During my stay at my inlaws place he suddenly came there. One day he again started quarelling with me and slapped me like a criminal. I informed his brother but invain. His family is totally involved in all these.My parents came n spoke to my husband. Anyway my husband became cool n flied back to his working place n I stayed with my parents. My husband asked me to come back, I thought lets take a chance. But its happening repeatedly.He is not guilty. I joined my company after my maternity leave. He asked his sister to come and take the baby to his native as I will be joining in my work. I opposed it and informed my parents. They came here and we all left his house, took a new house and stayed separately. After one week my husband left for US which we came to know later. From there he wanted to keep in touch with me. Anyway again I made up my mind and for my baby I joined him in US by taking leave of 1 1/2 months from my company. There he started telling me to quit the job. But as his behaviour is irratic n am not secured I said I cant quit the job n came back to India. Later he came back from onsite and requested me to stay with him. I left the house which I had taken and started staying with him. After staying with him for 2 months again same problem (quit the job/stay with his family etc..)
I dont know what to do. His family members doesnt want this relationship to exsist so that all the money will go to them. He never asks me while sending money to them. I dont mind if he is financially helping his brother. My husband is more concerned about his bothers family n his kids not about our life.Even he doesn´ t want to buy house here as he has a house in his native.He doesnt want any kind of establishment here.He is not concerned about our baby also. now my parents are staying with me as they are feeling am not secured and I have to go to ofc. My parents are taking care of my baby. My husband has gone onsite. Mu husband from the begining is not tolerating my parents. He has a severe inferiority complex. If I ask who will take care of my child if I go to ofc, he will tell my sister or my brothers wife will take care of the baby, so give the baby to them.He has also asked my parents to get out of his house. so I have decided to leave the house permanently and to be separated.His mind set is totally a different type. He wants me to stay with him during his stay at offshore and when he will go to onsite, I have to stay with his family. What ever he is earning I have to manage with that money with his brothers family, though I can earn money but he is not interested in my money. also he will not give us comfortable life as he has to give support for his family. He does not have any feeling for me n my child. Please advise.


rr replied. This is reply to your last message in this list. I think your husband will never change. Please don' t waste time on him. Stay separate. I think you can manage your baby' s all needs as you are a s/w Engg. black replied. I am sorry to intrude here but ths is for pp. pp can you male me at my id hen_blk? At ya. H. Oo. I have been reading this messages and I feel I know the person you are saying about. Saheli replied. Cutting long story short ... no denying that he is a person with not so stable mindset. Doesnt look to me he is a good person to continue with, doesnt look like he will ever change.

You know when I was reading about him, I remembered about one of my close friend' s boyfriend (different mother toungue!) when we were working but not married. He was almost same, but he never resorted to hitting/beating her up. Everything else matches perfectly! She did not marry him for same reason and he too was very \" physical\" . Now I know he is married to someone else and has a baby girl but the kid must be 3/4 yr old now.
His feedback was not good in office and he changed jobs frequently.

Anyways.
Your hubby' s attitude, his family problem and their attitude towards you, hubby' s expectations from you towards his family ... its all not agreeable to me considering the type of person I am/you are. The flip-flop attitude of falling to anyone' s feet at one time and forgetting the other, is untrustworthy.

Dont want to praise him more! Leave his topic. I want to know whats your physical, financial, mental, social preparation for getting separated.
Whats going on in your mind?
Do you want to move out? Have you thought of all aspects of what would the situation be like, what responsibilities you wd have, once separated? Do you understand the child' s whose responsibility wd be on you - apart from being a good mother, you alone would own her education, upbringing, values, marriage, everything! What are your parents thoughts about separating? Are you thinking of re-marrying someone else?

And if separation is what you guys are thinking, even then its advisable to consult a counsellor as there are lot of legal aspects attached that need to be taken care of before going ahead.
Leegally, currently if you are away from him then it might contribute to something ... or if you are with him it might contribute to something else.

Also, the type of person your hubby seems to be, counsellors come across them often and they know how these people might react under different circumstances.

Think about it, talk to your parents about going to a counsellor. If not, discuss with parents and decide. Saheli replied. Hi pp

Before giving you my opinion allow me to make somethings clear. I am not a proffessional counsellor.... I suggest things that I consider appropriate. I assume that everybody seeking opinion on these boards understand that decisions are their own and cant hold anybody else responsible for that.

Secondly, in all my suggestions, I mostly try to seek golden middle, or encourage bonding, love, stronger relationship even if that asks for some adjustment and sacrifice (even if the requestor is right). But those cases are generally not so extreme as yours.

Alright, so here' s what I feel after reading your story -

* From the overall tone of your post, it seems like you want to get separated and just need some assurance. Atleast to me, it doesnt seem like you are ready to compromise anymore, probably you have had enough. I will go ahead with this assumption.

* One thing surprises me. Your husband is a Sr Consultant and earns so well that he can support a huge family back home. He travels onsite frequently (which means its a job of responsibility and he faces the clients, which in turn means he has to be polite patient good communicator, etc etc). If he is such a person over there, I wonder how his personality has such a sick side at home. If he has two drastically oppsite personalities like that, he is really a trouble! Anyways.

* You have taken some good steps- Not objecting to what he does with his money after supporting you and your baby. Not quitting your job. Getting your parents to look after your baby and you. U r right in terms of feeling insecure.

* You have not mentioned the reasons for which he loses his temper. I hope its not because you argue with him for every other reason and he is short tempered. There is something, some history, or something related to his family because of which he is so supportive for them and not for you. Was he in love with someone else but could not marry her?

You need to think long terms, ask yourself what you want, what you dont want to tolerate, how you want to lead your life, if he has any chances of changing his attitude, and decide. Then be firm on decision.

I am assuming all your information is true and you are inclined to separate. Based on this, here' s what I suggest.

Talk to a good mariage counsellor. The counsellor might talk to two of u separately or get both the parties to talk together openly (in counsellor' s absence). If so, invite hubby over and talk to him seriously and coolly about the issues - in the presence of your parents. Ask him why he behaves like that, ask him if u r going wrong anywhere, tell him you dont like to be slapped or abused.

You, your parents and your counsellor should be the people involved in taking a decision. They have seen all sides, they know details, and they are at ground zero.

Meanwhile, invest in a child scheme. Prefer one that has maximum benefits in terms of mother' s absence. There are some schemes that also provide medical insurance to parents.

Make sure you have medical insurance coverage for you and baby - you are in a s/w company so your company might be providing. If you are staying with parents, u can also declare them as dependants and include them under corporate medical insurance.

I am really impressed with one fact. In your entire post, you havent shown as a depressed/sad person .. may be u r out of it. But u seem to be seeking for practial option and thats a wonderful thing. Its not time to be emotional, but to be practical and thinking about future.

I wish all good for your little one and you. Take care of her. Good your parents are with her. Dont worry about baby not having a dad. Love is imprtant and she is getting it from 3 people. Its all in the mind. If you bring her up telling you are unlucky for not getting dad' s love, she will always feel sorry for it. That' s what the society will also try to pass a message to the kid. But I dont agree to it. Bring her up believing she is luckiest to get love from such wonderful and brave people and doesnt need to feel sorry about anything.