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Hi all working moms

I am a 27 year old working mother with a 2.5 year old son. My husband and I live in Bangalore while both our parents live elsewhere. I work in the s/w industry. I had taken a break when my son was born. I joined back when he was a year old and quit again in 4 months time bcos I couldnt manage. Then again after a year' s break, I have now been working for the last 6 months. My son has started going to playschool this year. When he comes back from playschool, I have a maid who takes care of him till the evening. Also, my hubby' s office is very close to our house and he goes home for lunch. The maid, as far as I know, is ok and my son looks quite happy with her. Now with all this, u would think I am quite happy with my life as it is.

But the problem is I have been feeling sriously depressed the last few days. I have been crying for every small thing and I dont even know how to stop it. I feel hopelessly guilty and terrible about not being able to be there for my son when he comes home from school, when he gets up from his afternoon nap and generally all those small things that working moms can never hope to do for their kids. I cant afford to quit my job coz we have a HUGE homeloan. How do people manage to assuage all these feelings of guilt? My husband is very upset bcos I am so upset and he doesnt know what to do to make me feel better. Everytime I look at my son, I feel my heart will break...I mean he is so little and vulnerable and I just dont know how I am going to be there for him...I am constantly worrying and its just taking a toll on me. I am not able to concentrate on my work or anything else. Please help me get out of this mood by giving me some suggestions. I desperately NEED some advice!!! Saheli replied. I am glad it helped you. I felt like you needed some assurance and confidence. Well, I just try to help our friends on these boards as far as I can, because I have also come through family issues like these and I believe sharing experiences can help a lot. Saheli replied. I have checked your post in women' s issue board. Most of us have been through a situation like this, more or less. Let' s do a few things.

Ask yourself what' s making you feel guilty and depressed.

Is child' s insecurity one of the reason' s for feeling guilty? Are you worrying about major things like - is the child beeing fed well or eating healthy? Is he sleeping/bathing well? Is the maid taking good care?

Concerns on bold things like these are valid. And make sure that these and other primary important things are well taken care of by the maid. Give same food to maid as to the kid and allow her to eah goodies. If her taste buds are satisfied, you can be sure she wont cheat with you on that.

For all other secondary things (I am not saying they are not important), adress them too. But, stop worrying about them. He is also have grown up now, he is fine. The maid is also ok, and responsible one. If there is anything, she will definitely give u a call. And your hubby also visits home evryday so he gets updated on the situation in house anyway.

Dont be so emootional and stop worrying about little things. Giving him milk when he is awake and other things is not the only thing important. Being a responsible mother is more important. You are also the one to give him a better future.

Give him good quality and quantity time when u r home. U hv the maid, let her do as much work as possible and u spend that time with kid. Rather than preparing many dishes for him when home, make 1 and then play with him, tell him stories. Involve ur hubby too.

Next, your depression and guilt. Let me take them separately. You have received some good replies on your other post. To some extent we all feel guilty. But consider other sides. We have to pay off loans, if we earn we can give better life to our kids, put into school of our choice, buy stuff that we wont be able to buy otherwise.

You are giving a better shape to your son' s life by earning. No reason to be guilty.

Then, dont forget you have your life too. Your career, your likes and dislikes .. your time, your LIFE. And career will give you many more advantages that u cant imagine right now. Also, now the kid is small, but later he will be in school and classes all day and will be less dependant. Then into college or job, imagine how much time he will give you. What will you do with all that free time? This career will help u then.

You know that in software, if you are not updated, then you are outdated. If you leave job now, you know if u can take it back after 5 yrs.

Your child is soon going to be 3. He can understand some things now. He can understand money power, he would demand you toys that he sees at others' places. My kid used to ask me to leave job and stay at home. I started making him pay at the counter whenever I took him out to shops. And if he demanded anything, I ask him to pick and ask the shopkeeper if he can take it without paying. Thus, he understood that money is important.
Then I took him to the ATM below my office, he saw how i draw out money. I told him that for a day' s work, this is what i get. If i dont work, i wont get, and we wont be able to buy your cars and other toys.
I showed him other poor people/beggars. He understood.
Now if i ask him should i quit the job, he refuses!

(In today' s world, it may be important to teach a child money power. But make sure you dont make him money minded. U need to teach him that love and relationship is the most imp thing in life AND THAT U CANT BUY IN THE MARKET!)

Once you know your child doesnt miss u so much, ur guilt will come down.

Also, this guilt automatically comes down as child grows up and you become more secure and convinced with the fact that he is ok even when u r not there. It is also natural, due to harmonal changes in a female' s body post delivery. (Girl' s who hate kids before marriage become so loving and protective for baby once they have their own - this should answer the biological changes) So dont worry.

If you think you are one for all those little things of a kid, then a good share of it also goes to hubbies. We rarely find them guilty. May be Indian culture .. or .. may be because they hv ACCEPTED the priorities of life. Which have changed over the years.

And also, you own keeping the home and hubby happy. dont take him for granted. If u r unhappy, he wont be happy. Peace of home spoiled. You guys dont want to live in rented house, i am sure.

Lastly, about your depression. What do you mean by depression? Just sad and guilty? I was not sure about what you mean. I am assuming u mean generally being sad and feeling guilty.

If u go by actual definition of \" depression\" then it might be due to various reasons. It may be thyroid problem. And if you have noticed any health changes in your body, you might want to get checked with your doctor. I may be wrong ... I am sitting too far to guess. I am just generally considering all scenarios.

Count your blessings. Loving hubby, near to office, good maid, good job, own house.. (some women reading this would say No Inlaws :-). What more could one ask for? Think positive. Look at all those working women who are leaving kids at hime and are also happy- because they are aware, they are taking care of their responsibilities, they are practical, yet they dont blindly depend on maids, they keep verifying.

Hope this makes u feel good. Dont worry. You are going the right way.