Relationships  Discussion Forum

Dear friends

I am a working mother of a 2 and half year old girl. I had taken a 2 years break when my daughter was born, resigned from earlier job and have rejoined 6 months back.
Now i am having a pressure from all that i shud go for a second child but i am not able to take any decision.
Apart from pressure i also at times am worried abt my kid that she will be lonely in this whole world. We consulted our doctor, she says that now it is OK but imagine after 25-30 years when the kid is mmarried and you are no more (parents cannot be with the kid for life time) atleast she will have some body else to turn to in case of need.
But then i am not able to decide how i am going to hanlde two kids. I dont even want to sacrifice my carreer. Its not so that we are in financial trouble but then with extra money i can get my child better things and also i am a qualified CA and i do not want to just waste my talent and energy sitting at home.
At time i think that my only child will be only fine but at other times i get worried abt her.
My husband wokrs in the IT industry and is always very busy and also traveelling at times. He is always supproting but then i can not expect a complete help from him due to his busy schedule.
At times even now i get tired . I wonder waht will i do when there are 2 kids to handle?
But then my dayghter also needs a sibling to share things and feelings with.
I am totally confused and stuck between the two thoughts.
Please help me with ur comments/suggestions. also if any of u also have a single child do let me know what do u think abt the same.

Thanks
abc replied. If you are finding it hard to decide, then leave it for now...

Decide after a few months..

A second baby might be good but only when you and yr husband are emotionally ready for it.

Dont have a baby just because others are pressurizing you. That is a desi trait...the moment you get married, everybody else should also get married..the moment you have a baby, everybody else should have a baby too...

When I had my baby a year back, one of my friends (who had a 3 month old then)...went \" oh now you shd get a second one next yr..that is the right way\" . And what gave her this insight? Nothing much really..she was having a tough time with her first. Hadnt wanted to get pregnant (was an accident), and resented the time and effort the baby required from her. Her husband forced her to leave her job..so that was an added issue..but after all this she still went ahead and told me to have another one in 12 months!!

When I asked her abt it, it turned out her aunts and older relatives had filled that in her head..so she just felt compelled to pass on that ancient wisdom to me! :)

Good luck with whatever you decide!

mayflower replied. if u r financially strong, then i would suggest u go for the second child..u can always catch up on ur career when the kids are older enough to take care of themselves. .may be after 5 or 6 years..but u cant have a kid very late in life even if u wish so later in life.. after having my first kid, i am now having an opinion that women should be at home only to take care of kids and house rather than giving importance to career...believe me,i was a strong feminist before this... Shveta Paul replied. Hi Mom,

I am a 35 year old mother of two children, 12 yr old daughter and 6 year old son. And my career is flying!
The dilema is faced by all of us - whether to progress in our careers or plunge into motherhood the second time for the sake of the first one. Believe me, its much easier the second time round. I have done with no in-laws or parents help - just us and the everchanging maids! All you need is a supporting husband and an understanding company/boss. These might not be that easy to choose at this stage of life, but can be worked around.
Things work out, they really do! But if you decide against the second child, you might regret later and be helpless in the situation. I would suggest that you give the first one a couple of more years to mature and get physically independent before you go for the second baby.
Regards,

Shveta Saheli replied. Hi Mom
Sorry long reply, dint hv time to cut short, was heartfelt and cdnt stop replying.

My son is 7yrs and second baby is 12m. I was in same situation like urs before going for second child. My current thought - my decision was wrong.
Pls dont get biased by my thoughts. Think seriously about the factors i am going to count now, evaluate for yourself and take decision carefully and consciously.

Why do we need a second child?
- company and learning for first kid
- may be support for us when we are old
- additional security feeling for parents (u know what i mean)
- company for kids when we are no more

How do we decide we can go for second child? we consider
- we are financially sound enough
- first child is independent to eat/brush/bathe himself etc
- we have resources to manage the kids (assuming working parents)
- we can take responsibility of 2 babies/kids/children/teenagers/and so on. If there are adv of second child, realise thatg the resp and duty also doubles.
- we have back-up plans (if one of the parents passes early, then children should not suffer financially etc). God forbid. Though rare case, but lets be practical. Touchwood.

So lets evaluate.

Company to first child, learning sharing etc -- is second child the only option?
In my SIL' s appts, most working parents have single child! Maids of 2-3 parents on same floor bring kids to one house and spend some hours of noon/evening together. Objective is similar.
Cant be compared to a real sibling, but is working for them.

Some objectives of having a second baby cant be obtained by any arrangements. Accepted.
But considering advantages when kids grow up may be too far if we have not considered things u wd need to do much before. And decide if u r ready for them.

- Mother' s readiness :
9m pregnancy and then 2 yrs or so till baby grows up. The first kid has grown up and we have become free recently. Are u ready to get into same cycle again?

- One possibility- your health. One of my relatives dint go for second child for this reason. She was right. She took decision 3 yrs ago when she was 31 and hyperthyroid. Today at 34-35 she still has thyroid probs and is fat. She is happy she could enjoy her past 3 yrs and is concentrating on losing wt. She says if her health is at stake how can she gaurantee care of kids. Her both parents are diabetic so she fears this heredity prob as she is fat. She is working, spends morning time at gym and takes care of 1 kid' s classes, studies and homework, food, hubby' s health, decorates home, plans holidays, etc.)

- Managing the kids: Who will be managing the kids when u r at office? Is it maid, or inlaws, or combo? Are u sure your option will work ? At my place, its the \" combo\" option. Its not successfully working out, there are issues.

- Attention to first kid: Who will take care of first kid when you attend the baby? - its not easy for mother to manage both kids.
Hubby helps. But he might travel for job, he might shift to far away office.

- Education :
Consider which school ur kids will join, even before u conceive. Check fees, expectd fee growth, extra curricular, travel to school etc. If u think u are - and will be in future - financially sound to put kids in your choice of school, then go for second baby.
Consider who will take their studies at home. As they grow, studies become difficult and parent needs to give more effort and time. Mostly its the mother. Are u ready to spend ur evenings taking homework of 2 kids? Have u decided who will do the cooking AND communicated that to family?

Time for kids -
As a parent, u need to give quality and quantity time to both kids. With the baby, i am not successful in this.

Teaching the kid::
I had planned a lot of things to teach my son, planned lot of creative activities, teaching him swimming skating, teach him good things, values, etc. I simply dont hv enough time.

Finance -
Apart from routine expenditure we do for kids (where we wont compromise on quality), consider Medical insurance, children policies, savings, etc. You need to have both for 2 kids. May be some property, some savings for u in old age, etc. You have one daughter - her marriage expense. If second also is girl, then that too (hope cultural trends will change for good when our kids grow up1) Check these out.

My positive feelings -
When my kids play together and giggle - my hubby and we feel - this is heaven. We made a right decision.
I m v happy with the cutie baby and see my kids together. Indeed, i get the security feeling - when i am not there, bother is for sis and vice versa.

I had discussed with my friends with single child. They had valid thoughts for not going for second one. Also talked to those with 2. They are saying - its just 1-2 yrs that i will suffer, then things will be cool as before and i will enjoy.

Some negatives-
But, i feel like i hv been raring kids for years. My movement is limited. My outings, vacations, hobbies that i had picked up as son grew up, are all left out. My garden is drying out, my cook-books are shelved. I dont have time to cook things my first child demands.
I do it rarely. It is imp to give some time to urself, else it builds up inside you and will imapct u later.

I wont be travelling for job for some good time now. Something that i loved, i hv decided to sacrifice.

When i come home from office, i feel i want to spend some cool time, rest for a while. But my second duty of baby starts. Maid goes for cooking dinner. Late evening, i take kids' s homework, feed supper and dinner to baby. Hubby arrives home late, he takes care of kid' s dinner (yes he needs to be monitired, wont have food by himself). I read books to kids before sleep, and i am really tired by then.
At night when family is together in bedroom - that is the best time. Its heaven.
Then kid goes to mil' s room for sleep and i breastfeed baby to sleep.

Baby' s waking up at night has reduced. But i havent had a single-stretch-sleep for 10m now. Dark circles and health problems are common for me.

When my family was not helping me in managing both kids (as promised), i had a tough time. My BP was going high and i had become irritating and short tempered. We consulted the doc who suggested me meditation and asked hubby to help me out.

I changed my job as my org was very demanding. I joined a comp which is good, is nearer, is not so demanding.
I am worried how i will manage everything if i go into higher managerial roles. I need to be available on call at that position.

I also wanted to keep option open for being a housewife when kid becomes teenager. That is now ruled out, i will hv to work all life for managing the finances for 2 children.

so decide and let us know
all the best
Saheli N replied. hi there'
I am in the same boat as you, going thru the same delima and am also a only child of my parents,have 6 year old son.I think more than anything else YOU should have the urge to have the second baby.And when you do EVERY THING will fall in place.Best of luck. S replied. Hi

I felt like I was reading my own situation when I read your post. I too have a 2 year old son and after a lot of false starts, I have just gotten back to my job. My hubby and I are both s/w professionals and believe me, every day is a new challenge in a household with 2 working parents and a small child. I am an only child myself and always imagined having more than one child but somehow at this point of time, both me and my hubby decided that we wont have another child. Sometimes I ask myself the same questions that you have raised..who will my son have after we are gone etc.? But then u cant plan too far ahead in life. See, at this point in time I know that with both of us working, we can give our son the best of everything. But wit 2 children, I might as well kiss my dreams of a career goodbye and I dont want to do that. But then these are my thoughts. Each one has to do what works for them best. And remember, u dont have to make any forever decisions. You can always change ur mind later. :-) Hope this helps!!