Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi All,
I am stuck in a very weired situation here. I just cant understand what to do. I need your help in this regard. Let me brief about myself. I met a guy (arranged proposal) in July 2003. We met, I find that guy ok and I said yes. then later on he called me up saying that he wanted to talk to me for some more time. I said it ok as I was not very sure when I said yes. So that time I thought that it will give me some more time to evaluate my decision. He asked me 2 months time frame but after 2 months he said that he wants to meet me personally before making any decision and that will be possible only in his next trip (He was in US and I was in India) I said ok. When he was coming to India, Jan 2004. I specifically asked him is it possible for him to make the decision as I was in bangalore and we have to meet in delhi. He called me up and said that yes, it is possible. He said yes to me when we met but refused to commit any kind of formal ceremony. and my parents were not ready for it and they said its not worth and closed that chapter.
After that we got in tuch, and I talked to him that is he still going around with his Girlfriend (she was the reason for delaying the matter so much). He said he needs some more time. I closed the chapter after talking to him , as I had the feeling that he has used me like an option. then one fine day he called me up and asked me Will I marry him. I asked him to comedowm to blore and meet me. He came down to blore , explained the situaion and propose me. I thought it cooly and felt the under emotional turbulence person does the thing he never wanted to do and said yes. So this person is my husband now.
Now the story after marriage. He has told so many lies to me
1) I asked him is he in tuch with his ex. He said No. Accidently I came to know that he has spoken to her even 2 days before our wedding.
2) He went to US (He relocated to India in June 2004) to get the final yes and no from his GF and told me that he is going on a business trip but he went on his personal expenses.
3) Accidently I came to know that he has agreed twice Once in July 2003 (when we first met) and another in January 2004 (when we met second time). Second time he get formally engaged too. At that time his brother talked to me and said that I was the one who got him convinced. I believe on him and forgave him.
4) Now I came to knwo (again accidently) that he was involved physically with his GF. I asked him so many times about it and everytime he said NO. and It was just the breaking point for me. Now I am not able to forgive him anymore.
5) Besides that, he is too naive about the basic requirements of relationship. He just doesnt undersand that 2 people need to spend some time together to get the emotional bonding with each other. He is just a mama's boy. He talks to her daily but he is not bothered whether he had talked to me or not. My in-laws has not treated me well they had said very bad things about me to my mother and GOD know to whom else.
6) Currently his sis has started staying with us, I asked him that I told you before marriage that I need to spend 2 years just for you and me. and In this response he said, I can sign any contract for you that it will happen in next 2 years.
7) At times , he told me that we need to think whether we are compatible in this relationship or not.
8) He is a dominating husband too and his family is too orthodox and I am a independent person with its own mind, and have the guts to say No to wrong things irrepsective of the situation.

and by coming to know his physical intimacy with his ex. I have lost all the trust in him and felt that he has no respect for me and he has always taken me for granted. Now I dont feel like forgiving him atleast at this point of time. I have relocated from blore to delhi as he wanted to stay close to his family. Left my carrer. joined a job in delhi at lower designation an I am not able to concentrate on my carrer because of my personal life interferences.
Now, I asked him, I am fine if we can move anywhere else for the sake of our relationship but he is not again agreeing to it. and saying that I am sorry and wont hurt you again but now it doesnt impact me as In the short span of 7 months, I am not sure how many times he has promised me same thing and fail to do the same. I again propose to him that we can stay seprately for some time and lets work on ourself and then we can think of this relationship but he is not agreeing to it also. Please advise me what to do?? I need your urgent help.

Thanks in Advance!!
Vaani replied. After reading your story, let me tell you something. He's taking you for granted. He's playing the fool. Leave him. Leave him, be independent. A guy who doesn't understand the wife's feeling do not need one. You re not his slave. Nobody talks bad about you mom. That's a no no. Be independent. We are in 21 century, sweetie. Do what you want, be yourself, let him regret he lost you. You ll find a better life. If you keep on giving him a second chance, he won't know his mistake. Be strong darling. nim replied. Bravo girl. Looks like you have answers in your question. Simmy replied. Hi Arch

I m so surprised, you came to know so many things accidentally, that too after marriage. You had almost 1.5 years in hand before you got married, which you could have used to know about your husband. When he said, “Yes” to you, but avoided formal ceremony - that itself sounds so fishy and your parents had taken right decision of closing the chapter.

I feel you cannot change anything he did in the past, his GF, affair and physical relations. One option is either divorce (bad option) or second is - forget about his past and think about future. Now it is totally in your hands how you can improve relation between you both. If you are going to stay in Delhi, you would stay with in laws and you might use them to improve your relations. If you are not happy with your job, try to find better job. But keep in mind if you become very busy with your job, you might not get time for you and your husband. If you both are in S/w field you can think of shifting to B’lore, but do it very diplomatically.

-Simmy