Relationships  Discussion Forum

For one year after our marriage we lived
happily as newly couple. But after 1 year
my inlaws came to live with us.
now problem arises:
they get angry on our outing
they want food of their choice
they are partial to me for my husband
they want me to do all works with
my job....
i am fed up of this joint family
how do i refuse them to live separate
they have their home at Amritsar. s replied. mils problem is every where if u r sick of it then tell ur hubby that u can't bear it anymore he must find a solution otherwise don't care.

just say I DON\";T CARE i just love my hubby and he loves me i don't give a damn about anyone else. tanu replied. i already know that you cannot understand this simple thing. because you dont have any respect for either your parents or anybody elses. that is why you are asking them to be out of your lives. I dont know why then do you oppose \";praying for their death\";. Perhaps you have some humanity left in you or you dont want to take the blame for their murder.
and you have a big misconception that \";girls only have dreams of marriage\";. What do you think dont guys have any dreams?? And let me tell you that when you say that boys parents torture the girl it is because she has come to a new home. the same situation happens in case of boys in-laws should they happen to live together.

And see you blame me on behalf of my wife that \";I will be at fault with respect to my in laws\";. It is not wrong, because to listen anything against your parents pinches you whether they are wrong or right? get that into your head if you can. No body is God here. ok !

Now you try to understand my point, first of all erase this thinking that MIL is a witch, that she will do all things possible to make your life miserable. It is simply that two people with two different brains from two different cultures with two different upbringings and values, from two different generations have to live together and that leads to such type of clash. In such sort of scenario if you find number of bad things about the other person and one becomes a bitch or a witch for the other.

Adding to this fire is the fuel that \";friends\"; like you put. I simply said that if you dont want them they why not kill them or at least pray for that. why did you feel bad about that. Answer? Instead all of you who face this issue whould talk and discuss and find out a better way of harmony in the family.

Btw are you married? Had you a son you would have realized that you wont be abl e to sustain when your son throws you out of the family? If you are denying that fact - then tell me honestly dont you feel for those destitutes who live in old age homes???? It is your young blood that is boiling and your mind is shut off when given such adverse advises.

I think when you match the horoscopes according to indian customs you instead match with the mother in law that you will be having. Even before marriage, the girl is brain washed to an extent that the word MIL gives a nightmare to her. And this has been continuing from generations. Then before going for marriage why doesnt the girl put a condition that she doesnt want to live with the inlaws??

Anyways I am not here to make Bhawana more depressed. I am here to just give you another view point of seeing the same problem. If you dont want to accept that I cant help it.
friend replied. they can boss over their son. but they have no right to boss over their dil. do u understand the point. she gets married, enters the house with so much of dreams and once the mil enters she faces all kinds of dominations. she should just listen to her mil and not have her own ideas, in short she should keep her brain idle. what nonsense is this. you have mentioned the girl's parents creating problems. it might be true. but this happens only in 2% of the cases.the remaining 98% of the cases are the boy's parents torturing girls. if u r facing problem with your inlaws try to solve it by talking to your wife. tell her strictly that you want to lead an independant life with her without her parent's interference. get your problem solved. but dont do all those dirty works of planning how to kill her parents. this attitude of u shows what kind of a person you are and it also shows who is at fault, you or your inlaws. try to solve your problem. instead dont come here and give your dirty stupid advices here. nobody is interested in it. iam waiting for our other friends to comment on your message tanu replied. ok dil and friend, i dont know what you mean by \";my insecurities\";. I am poor in english, but I am definitely facing the same problem as you are because of my inlaws (oh did i tell you that i was a male - tanu is misnomer). But I want to make a point and as you rightly said that jamai is given a lot of respect etc. Let me tell you that this is true only because \";they want to keep their daughter happy\"; ok !! They give a damn of their son in law. Since their daughter is not before their eyes, and they think she is \";under control\"; of her in laws, they give a lot of respect, money etc. Now turn this case with a husband and his in laws staying with him. You will realize where does the respect vanish within days, how they try to interfere in their daughters lives and keep on dictating terms as well as taunts.

I am saying this because you might not have seen such as case where wifes parents and brother/sister come and stay in their home for months together. It is exactly the same scene as Bhawna has described only difference being that husband is a victim here.

I dont think there can be anybody who can love other children more than her/his own. Parents have brought up a child since last 25 years, they have knowingly or unknowingly dictated his terms. They have decided a lot many things about their child throughout the life. and suddenly one day he gets married, they lose all right over him overnight?? Pity?? What they have been doing all these years. eg; They might have told him not to go outing because he has some more urgent work to do or he has exams or he should save money or whatever reasons. They have always chosen food of their choice for the family and nobody had objected. They had been managing home as well as outside throught their life and they expect the same from anybody. They have been shaped in this old human beings through twice the decades of their child' existence. And all this is shattered in one night when a new person enters their family. Whatever you assume - after all the new person can be an \";adopted child\"; but not their \";own\";.

I am not sick. I have seen both sides of the coin which you havent. My point is that it is going to be like this as long as parents are not \";too much rational\"; which normally nobodys parents are. You will realize this when you are a parent and you will see that there exists something called \";generation gap\";.

I am definitely not comparing Bhawna with those types who immolate their daughter in law for the sake of dowry and things like that, if somebody has interpreted me like that then excuse me. but i am talking of much more civilised and educated people like you and me, who mostly have got such types of problems with inlaws as bhawna has said.

So my suggestion is that their is no end to such type of problems unless what i told in my previous post. Human mind is very complex and tends to think too much bad about everything. that is why these Star plus soaps work. All these things that say take a strong stand, no need to empathise with them, etc etc are bullshit. They dont lead to anywhere and important thing is that \";they will ruin your peace of mind\"; which should be there even if you dont go for outing or you dont get food of your choice or you do all the work. Dont you think that the key is if you are happy in all odds that is better than having every thing in favour without being happy???

Joint family is lot good, you will realize it when you have kids. I can do an extended debate on this, for now i stop here.
A DIL replied.
Tanu's reply just shows his/her own insecurities. So, Bhawana, do not take his/her reply to heart. Just shows how sick people can be!!

In my opinion, ignoring is the best policy. Problem arises if you give weightage to their words/resentment. Just see what you want and what you can afford to do. Just do that and be happy.

If someone cannot empathise with us , no need to emphathise with them, as well.

Take a strong stand. You should be educated well I believe.

Wishing you peace of mind,
A DIL. tanu replied. accept this fact or not. If your parents pour in and start living with you guys, your husband will face the same situation as you are. It is just that marriage system has a concept of in house \";bahu\"; but not in house \";jamai\"; (because then it is termed as ghar jamai). When you become parent you will realize this. But unfortunately you cannot help this.

What you can do is talk to your husband. However understanding he is he will not accept the blame on his parents. He will ask you to adjust or inturn blame you. You cannot talk directly to your inlaws because then they will feel hurt or they will think bahu is too much outspoken, or she has taken control of their son etc etc. So this leads to nowhere.

Only solution is to peacefully send them back to where they came from. Unfortunately \";parents deserve this kind of treatment\"; since they are not yours.

In the final place what you can do is to ask your husband either \";you\"; or \";his parents\";. No ambiguity in this if you dont have your own children (Then they might copy you guys when their time comes). I mean that is in case you have to leave your husband, children will suffer. So if the husband doesnt throw his parents out. you take a divorce straight. Isnt is better to live separate than in this situation. You enjoyed 1 year of marriage. there isnt much left to it anyway now onwards. for better take separation. and live happily ever after or marry someone who doenst have parents.

If you cannot do anything, then wait for your inlaws death. be patient till they die then you are on your own. enjoy as you want. But wait. you can even kill them. they must be old and in old age they will be having problems with their health. give them some kind of slow poison or wrong medicine. or keep the floor slippery so they fall and get a fracture or give them electric shock. dont let anybody suspect you. Or simply pray daily to god to kill them in an accident.

They are not your parents, and at this age of life they cannot change, difficult for anybody to change. so they deserve death for this mistake that they got their son married. It is unfortunate but good for you.

so cheer up now!! tejmom replied. xplain your hubby about your situation and tell him that you have the right to live a happy life and it is not fair on his part to keep quiet when his parents are ill treating you.