Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi everyone..i donno how to start my probs..i m in my 5th month of pregnancy..but these days i m worried ..cozz my hubby use to fight with me..he always dominate me ..whatever i will say he will oppose..espically regarding his parents and his family members..actually i wil never say ne wrong thing abt them..but what they do..if that also i will discuss he will oppose and say that i m wrong..now its 4 years of our marrige...still we fight with each other..and now i m pregnent..but he dont care ..he will fight and always try to prove that his parents and his family is best and i m wrong..i donno what he gain by doing all this..when we were newly married..lots of misunderstanding was there..he wanted to marry with her bhabi's sister..i came to know after one week of marrige..we argue abt that too..but he tried lying that time also and everytime he use to fight with me..even he thretned me saying that he will divorse me..see after one week of marrige:(...now i will ask..then he will say that was in anger not real..i donno what to do..i feel i m not so smart person to tackel with him.. now we reside in US..away from family ..but still he will fight with me....am really confused how to tackel with him....plzz help me..this weekend we had major fight..since morning i have'nt taken nething..am so sad i miss my parents and all at home..plzz suggest me something i really need your advice..and sorry if i bugg you all...thanx xyz husband replied. hi girls,

i can understand the views that all you have against your husbands or in laws. My view point is that \";no one can listen negative about his/her parents\"; whether a man or a woman. Since it is a woman that leaves her home and parents and lives with in-laws you tend to collect a lot of criticism against your husband's parents. But - had you been in your husband's position and your husband been in your position - means your husband was a \";ghar jamai\"; he would also have a lot of things against your parents and in case you would have told them to you. you are not going to listen.

The point is that once you have lived 20 - 25 years of life with your parents happily (whom you love and they love you) you dont find anything wrong in them, because you never bothered criticising them, because you love them. Now when somebody else finds something wrong in them, are you going to tolerate that (even if they definitely are wrong)??? Probably NO.

Giving you my example, my wife used to tell me a lot about my parents, that they are such and such, they do such and such.. and we used to fight over this, since I didnt want to aceept anything against my parents. and then we moved away from my parents. two years passed. Then we called her parents to our home they stayed for 3 months with us. I could find that whatever flaws there were in my parents according to my wife, all of them existed in her parents also and it was quite apparent. For example. my wife used to tell me that my mother interfered in our personal affairs, what I found was that even her mother interfered in our affairs and on daily basis!! She knows all our secrets and finances etc. When i told my wife about this, initially she also resisted and defended her parents, but after so much of fights and arguments we have realised that perents are the same, they love their children and always think that their children are still young to think of their own. You have to accept them as they are. Blaming doesnt help.

Now only difference in husband and wife's condition is that a wife leaves her parents according to hindu tradition while as husband doesnt leave her parents. So for example if a girl used to fight or quarrel with her mother at her home because of some irrational thing, she cannot do that at her in laws since his hudbands's mother is not at all equal to her own mother, so she dumps her anger inside her and this goes on building up and turns sore.

This was just an analysis of the situation, not the solution. I know that most of the people wont agree to my point of view, because this is a womens section, but stil if anybody is affected by this i would be glad.

thanks

hi replied. hello,
even i m sailing in the same boat as u, even my hubby proves that his parents are right, whenever i try to say about them, so its better we stop giving them any of our comments since it will lead to fights,
and congradulations take good care of urself as well ok xyz replied. hi there...thanx a lot for understanding me..will try to ignore the issue as much as possible..yes you are right am not working..but was working ,2 months back quit the job..due to some personal reson..well thanx again for your concern..i had my lunch now..am really relived after reading your mesege..will try to follow that...and yeah as you worte i get angry at the time of discussion or not..so will say am angry and sensitive at the time when i discuss abt his parents..i cried a lot other day...it was bad..but now i m feeling you are right..am gota get nothing by doing all these thing...only pain to me and my baby...thanx again...will try my best..xyz one more sad dil replied. Hi xyz,

I read your message and felt very sorry for you. I can fully understand what you are going through. I too have the same issue with my husband(although I am not pregnant.). We keep
fighting about his parents. He will do his best to prove me that his parents are not at fault- whatever they have said or done is not intentional. Its me and only me, who has done
something wrong. He feels that way because his parents feel so. I am really very very depressed , frustrated & angry beacuse of my in-laws. Other than this, we dont have any issues
in our married life. They are trying their best to ruin their own son's happy married life(although they will never understand or admit it). They keep telling my husband about what
I have done and what i have not or what I should have done and what not. They teach me that I dont know how to
behave with elders. I have so many things against them that If i start writing about them, it will take me one full day. There are many things which I can only feel. They have hurt me badly. I really adored and respected them when I got married, but things worsened with time. I will write my detailed story some other time.

I stay in the US and my in-laws keep visiting us. I always took good care of them but what I got in return- just insult, hatred, and rudeness. I feel like fighting with them, but somehow I can not. I must say one thing, that I feel my hubby is a very nice person, but he is too much devoted to his parents- well nothing wrong with that. I do understand that everyone
loves his/her parents and it is our duty to be with them when they need us, but that doesnt mean that parents are always right. After-all they too are human beings, they can make mistakes or they can say something which can hurt us. But husbands will never undersatnd or admit this thing.

In my opinion, you should try to ignore such things as much as possible. I know it is very very hard but since you are pregnant and you have to take care of your baby, who has nothing to do
with this issue , you must avoid such disturbing situations. Although I am giving you this advice, I myself agree that its not very easy. But we both will agree on one thing-that
avoiding such matter is not impossible...right? So, try to forget whatever your in-laws have
done with you, try not to discuss it with your hubby(because it is useless).
Just be calm and cool and talk to your husband very politely, that this is the time that you need him the most. After all it is his baby also. He must take care of youself. This is his
responsibility to keep you happy & cheerful, atleast during the pregnancy. You can make him
understand that these things may affect your & baby's health, and if something goes wrong, it will affect your lives too. And one more thing- ( i am presuming that you don't work), so
try to engage yourself with some hobby. Try to occupy yourself with constructive things like reading, watching good movies and programs, talking to your family and friends. It will surely help you.

I am not sure about one thing in your case and that is,when you discuss with this issue with your hubby- you get angry or not? Because I do get angry and very very emotional when I talk
with my hubby about his parents bad behvior. So my advice is, do not get excited or feel weepy, when talk about
this issue. Just be confident and calm and then try to make him see the reality. This may help.

So dear,just try to forget whatever happened with you and please do eat something- if not for youself, atleast for your baby. He/she must be crying yaar- thinking that his mother
is not taking care of her baby. Do take good care of yourself and your baby.

Keep writing about your feelings. Good luck & cheers.