Working Mother:Want to resume work, 2 yr old son ??
2006-05-04
Name: AD
Hi ! I left my job once I had my son. He is now 2 yrs old and is very attached to me as I have been the sole care provider all this while. My husband and I stay separately, a few minutes walking distance from my in-laws. My parents / family stay in a different city. My problem is that in a mth's time I am sure to get a job offer that I would like to take up. But my son just can't do without me. One day I was away for 4 hrs and he didn't eat anything/ didn't sleep even though it was well past his nap time. What do I do ? How do I get him used to having a working mom ? Or shud I ust drop the idea of resuming work. Pls suggest.
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Hi ! I left my job once I had my son. He is now 2 yrs old and is very attached to me as I have been the sole care provider all this while. My husband and I stay separately, a few minutes walking distance from my in-laws. My parents / family stay in a different city. My problem is that in a mth's time I am sure to get a job offer that I would like to take up. But my son just can't do without me. One day I was away for 4 hrs and he didn't eat anything/ didn't sleep even though it was well past his nap time. What do I do ? How do I get him used to having a working mom ? Or shud I ust drop the idea of resuming work. Pls suggest.
Sona replied. Hi,
I suggest u live him in creache/day care for 2 hours in first week and also u will be there for first 2-3 days with him. So he will start recognising other kids and enjoy their company. After then u will slowly increase the time.
Regards,
Sona
Sangeetha replied. Hello AD,
I think you and your husband are living together, but in a place walkable distance from your in laws. I think you are planning to leave him with your in laws when you go to work which is the best option. He will have a one to one care giver and will not get sick if he is going to be at your in laws. If you leave him in a creche, it will be a group setting with a lot of kids and since your son is not used to it, he may be scared for a few days in the beginning. Also, chances are he will get sick more oftem because of so many kids being there and some kid of the other will have some cold or diahrea.
Try this - since you have a months time, it is really good to prepare him for staying away from you. Select the best time of his day (no nap time, no meal time) for the first week and leave him in your inlaws place or creche (wherever he will be going when you will be at work) for 2 hours a day. A 2yr can understand pretty much everything you are saying. So, talk to him the previous night that Mommy has some work to do and you are going to leave him with the grand parents (or school). It will be hard for him to get that idea, but it is okay. Next day, dont panic even if he is crying. Pack his favorite toys, some snacks and milk and some extra clothes and leave him there and say 'Bye' to him and give him a hug and come home and catch up with things if there are. Exactly after 2 hours, pick him up, be very happy and tell him you are very proud of him as he is a big boy now and he stayed without Mommy for 2 hours and give him credit for what he did. Expand this to 3 hours the next week, include a meal this time. May be lunch - even if he doesn't eat much, get him home and feed him some lunch at home. The next week, leave him for 5 hours, try to include the afternoon nap. If he doesn't sleep, taht is fine, he will go to sleep in the night a little early. Next week, leave him for 8 full hours and he will be okay. Dont loose heart at the first 2 weeks if he is crying. He should be okay. I think 2 yrs is a good time to start leaving the kid and start working.
Let us know how it works.
console replied. I too feel what rekha has suggested.if you dont feel like leaving him with your in laws then it is good to find a good day care near you.first leave him just for couple of hours.then slowly extent it.he will surely find it enjoyable as he will play with kids of heis own age.he may be upset for a couple of days.but he will get used to it within a week.any way within a year or so he has to go to school.so it will a nice idea to get him used to day care.
rekha replied. U mean u and ur hubby are divorced i feel u should make him join some creeche/day care ,u be with him for few days .Later when he gets used to all this u take part time job for few months then full time thats what i feel.Ur rite person to take a call..
2006-05-04
#1
Name: Sona Subject: hi
Hi,
I suggest u live him in creache/day care for 2 hours in first week and also u will be there for first 2-3 days with him. So he will start recognising other kids and enjoy their company. After then u will slowly increase the time.
Regards,
Sona
2006-05-06
#2
Name: Anju Subject: Thanks Sona
Hi Sona ! Thanks ! Ya, I will do that only, lets see how it goes.
2006-05-04
#3
Name: Sangeetha Subject: Try this
Hello AD,
I think you and your husband are living together, but in a place walkable distance from your in laws. I think you are planning to leave him with your in laws when you go to work which is the best option. He will have a one to one care giver and will not get sick if he is going to be at your in laws. If you leave him in a creche, it will be a group setting with a lot of kids and since your son is not used to it, he may be scared for a few days in the beginning. Also, chances are he will get sick more oftem because of so many kids being there and some kid of the other will have some cold or diahrea.
Try this - since you have a months time, it is really good to prepare him for staying away from you. Select the best time of his day (no nap time, no meal time) for the first week and leave him in your inlaws place or creche (wherever he will be going when you will be at work) for 2 hours a day. A 2yr can understand pretty much everything you are saying. So, talk to him the previous night that Mommy has some work to do and you are going to leave him with the grand parents (or school). It will be hard for him to get that idea, but it is okay. Next day, dont panic even if he is crying. Pack his favorite toys, some snacks and milk and some extra clothes and leave him there and say 'Bye' to him and give him a hug and come home and catch up with things if there are. Exactly after 2 hours, pick him up, be very happy and tell him you are very proud of him as he is a big boy now and he stayed without Mommy for 2 hours and give him credit for what he did. Expand this to 3 hours the next week, include a meal this time. May be lunch - even if he doesn't eat much, get him home and feed him some lunch at home. The next week, leave him for 5 hours, try to include the afternoon nap. If he doesn't sleep, taht is fine, he will go to sleep in the night a little early. Next week, leave him for 8 full hours and he will be okay. Dont loose heart at the first 2 weeks if he is crying. He should be okay. I think 2 yrs is a good time to start leaving the kid and start working.
Let us know how it works.
2006-05-10
#4
Name: Sangeetha Subject: Eating problem
Hello Aradhana,
Good to hear from you. Half a day in school and half a day at your in laws place is a very good option Aradhana to start with. You can leave him at 8 or later in the morning; If somebody can pick him up at 12 and leave him at your in laws place and he being there till 5 or so when you can pick him up and bring him back home. Later, may be when he is 2 and a half or 3, you can start leaving him full day in school. Don’t worry about your mother in law, you have to just see what is best for your son. Just once in a while tell your MIL that “she is doing so much for her grand son in the afternoons and with you doing so much in the evening and Morning and with grandparents help in the afternoon, he is going to be a great Kid”. That will make her feel acknowledged. She probably is looking some praise in return.
Regarding the eating problem, my son too doesn’t sit in one place for more than 2 minutes and that makes hard to feed him by anybody including me. What I do is, put at least 10 different toys (no kidding) which will keep him busy, the toys that make a lot of noise, some actions involved by the kid and I literally push the food, without him even realizing that he eats. I always pay attention that I don’t overfeed him. Since in this situation as he doesn’t realize that he is eating, he can not really make out that he is full and refuse the food. If he is overfed, it might make him throw up.
I always make sure I feed him healthy breakfast before we drop him and then in the evening I pick him up at 5, and immediately give him some healthy snack and milk and I feed him dinner around 7:30. To be honest I really don’t think he eats that much in the school, just nibbles. But with a heavy healthy breakfast, snack and dinner, he grows just fine and looks big for his age, I didn’t have any problems with my daughter. She can even sit for 1 hour without a problem with just 2 toys. I think it is a boy thing that they can not sit idle and be active. If he watches TV or playing in water interests him, you can feed him while he is involved in these. Also, you can ask the maid to put on the TV while feeding him lunch as well. Ask the maid how he ate also. Also, keep some healthy snack and milk available with your mother in law. So they can feed him that at 3 PM or so after his lunch at 12. Even if he doesn’t eat his lunch well, he can eat his snacks. Make sure you feed him breakfast, a healthy snack and milk when you pick him up and a healthy dinner and milk before he goes to sleep.
Hey, you are not complaining – we are mothers and we want only the best and that is the reason we are looking for advice for even small problems – isn’t it? I am happy that I can be of some help to you!
Cheers, Sangeetha.
2006-05-10
#5
Name: AD Subject: Thanks Sangeetha / day care
Hi Sangeetha ! Great hearing from you and thank u sooooo much for taking outr time and writing in detail.
I showed ur msg to my husband and he was rather surprised and impressed that women do take out time and share their experiences !! We had a talk and decided that initially we'll start with a play school - one to two hrs and then slowly increase the time. Even when I start working, my husband prefers that our son shud not be put into day care for the whole day. After school he can home come and stay with in-laws and have a maid to do the feeding and all. What do u suggest ? My elder sis-in-law was wrking and wud leave her kids with my in-laws. That was some 5 yrs back and still MIL does say at times that becoz of the kids I was tied down, I did everything and credit still goes to DIL. wHAT SHUD i Do ? aVOID such situation from the beginning itself or let my child be with in-laws and then see how it goes.? Another thing, he just won't eat or sleep from anyone else ... what shud I do ? The maid does try but he just won't take it ! He's a very stubborn eater .... does not chew at all and eats only when the T.V is on or when he's playing with water !!!
Hey ! Do I sound as though my son is only a problem child !!?? i can't help feeling that I am complaining too much !!!
Anyways, thank you so very much again ....
Aradhana
2006-05-08
#6
Name: Sangeetha Subject: What to look for
Hi AD,
Good to hear from you. Na - I dont think speaking 3 languages is a problem; He might mix up 2 languages - say "san I have some Pani" without knowing that he is mixing English and Hindi - but that should not prevent him from speaking. It always happens with the first kid that he/she starts to talk little slowly. Even my daughter started talking only after she completed 2 years - my son already says a few words and only 16 months. Dont worry about it too much now. Even at 3, if he is not talking well and then that is when you should be worried. We speak 2 languages also, English and our native language. My husband talks more of English to both the kids. Both the kids dont seem to have a problem with it. We know about inlaws - isn't it - they just need a reason to say something bad about us :))
Go to different day cares and spend a solid 20 minutes in each day care in the exact room where your son will be placed. See how clean the room is kept; Look for all the activities that the kids are being engaged. They should be engaged with different activities all the time at this age. See if one kid is crying, if they are picking up the kid and consoling or atelast redirect him into some other activity. Ask them what will be the day like for your son as what time they will have lunch and what time they will play, they will nap etc. Also ask them what is the teacher to kid ratio. We dont want to have 15 kids and 1 teacher at this age, obviously the teacher will not be able to pay more attention to one kid. Ideally 1 to 8 or less is good - okay if it is 1 to 1 to 10. Ask them if you can stay with your kid for a few hours initially. Also, ask them if you can drop in at lunch time some days when you can get off from work (even if you think you can not, ask this - since some day cares do not encourage parents to come in at odd times to discover that their kid is crying and no one is doing anything about it..a good day care should however allow the parents to come in any time). Out of desperation, I have dropped in a few times in the day care unannounced when they were little and was so releived that they were doing just fine!!
Good Lunck AD, I know it is not an easy decision to go back to work when you have such a sweet little thing at home. Best of Luck in finding a right day care for your son. Hope everything works out for you.
2006-05-06
#7
Name: AD Subject: Sangeetha
Thanks Sangeetha ! Yes, he is the first child !!! And I must admit, the attachment is both ways ... I've never left him with others unless really needed, hence I'm more apprehensive about the whole thing.
Your children really sound like happy and well-behaved kids !
Do you think the speaking problem is because he is exposed to three different languages at home? I being Punjabi, speak with him in hindi and English. My husband and his family are Bengali. And I stay in a bengali dominated place. My MIL never fails to rub it in that my son is slow in speaking because of confusion of languages at home !!
Could you also give me a few tips in what to look for in a day care centre ?
Thanks again !
2006-05-06
#8
Name: AD Subject: Sangeetha
Thanks Sangeetha ! Yes, he is the first child !!! And I must admit, the attachment is both ways ... I've never left him with others unless really needed, hence I'm more apprehensive about the whole thing.
Your children really sound like happy and well-behaved kids !
Do you think the speaking problem is because he is exposed to three different languages at home? I being Punjabi, speak with him in hindi and English. My husband and his family are Bengali. And I stay in a bengali dominated place. My MIL never fails to rub it in that my son is slow in speaking because of confusion of languages at home !!
Could you also give me a few tips in what to look for in a day care centre ?
Thanks again !
2006-05-05
#9
Name: Sangeetha Subject: your response
Hello AD, GOod to hear back from you - I think your son is a little more attahced to you. Also, is this your first child? Usually the first child is a little shy and more attahced to the Mom in the beginning. If the in laws are old, better for him to be in the day care. Start leaving him one week prior to you joining work. He is not too small to be in the day care for the full day. Slowly he will start to enjoy it over there. Beleive me even on holidays, he will insit that he wants to go there. On the first day, spend 1 or 2 hours with him in the day care. Leave him there only for 4 hours at the most. Slowly increase the time that he spends there and start reducing the time you spend with him in the day care. Usually the first child starts to speak a little later as he doesn't hear any kids talking. Talk to him more and more and he will also start to communicate better. Dont think that he doesn't understand yet - even though he may not understand the context of what you are saying, he will get familiar with it and after a couple of times that you say it, then he will start telling you the same. Like saying Bye whenever you are going to even the next room will give him the idea that Mommy is leaving ... Keep telling him that he is a big boy now. That will also encourage him not to be cranky when you are not there.
Even though I am not very proud, I have 2 kids, the first one I started when she was 8 months old (now 5). She is doing great - still a Mommy girl, wants her Mommy to do everything for her and wants to sleep with us. Does great in her school as well. My son is now 16 months old, I started him when he was 3 months old. He is great as well and he is enthusiastic in getting ready and go to day care in the morning. I am not feeling guilty as I spend the whole evening till both of them sleep with my kids and even start washing teh vessel or cooking only around 9 or 10 in the night. I dont go out with my friends so I can spend the whole weekend with them also. So dont feel guilty, I am sure he will turn out to be great. Once he starts to go to creche, see he will even talk better as he will watch otehr kids and learn so much more.
Hope it helps.
2006-05-05
#10
Name: AD Subject: Thanks Sangeetha, rekha Console
Hi Thanks Sangeetha for the advise. The problem here is - yes a two yr old normally understands what u say, but my son neither understands too well nor does he speak, except for a few words. (that is another problem I need advise for!). I do leave him with my in-laws for an hour at the most, but after that they say he starts getting cranky. And both of them being pretty old, can't really run around and keep him busy. That's another reason why I can't really depend on them full time once I start working. Do you think he's too small to be put into creche / day care for the whole day ? I am going to atleast start leaving him at my in-laws for a couple of hrs so that he gets slightly used to being away from me. I plan to take ur advise and will definetly let u know the developments. Meanwhile , thanks a ton for taking out time and advising in detail.
2006-05-04
#11
Name: console Subject: hai!
I too feel what rekha has suggested.if you dont feel like leaving him with your in laws then it is good to find a good day care near you.first leave him just for couple of hours.then slowly extent it.he will surely find it enjoyable as he will play with kids of heis own age.he may be upset for a couple of days.but he will get used to it within a week.any way within a year or so he has to go to school.so it will a nice idea to get him used to day care.
2006-05-04
#12
Name: rekha Subject: hi
U mean u and ur hubby are divorced i feel u should make him join some creeche/day care ,u be with him for few days .Later when he gets used to all this u take part time job for few months then full time thats what i feel.Ur rite person to take a call..
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hi
Name: Anju
Thanks Sona
Try this
Thanks Sangeetha / day care
hi
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