Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi. I stay in the US and have two children. My BIL( husband's brother) also stays here but in the other coast. He has recently brought a bunglow in Chennai and is having the Grihapravesh function in August. We had a similar function 5 years back in Bangalore which he and his family didn't bother to attend and to date his wife has not had a look at the house.Then I had my second child whom he didn't see till my child was 2 that too when we visited him at his house. So naturally I was not keen to attend his function. since we have other responsibilities to fulfill during our short stay, we scheduled our vacation 2 months before the function. Now suddenly he has raised a cry saying he is inviting all the relatives when his only brother is not attending and my husband is also sympathetic with him. What irritates me is that my BIL didn't think of this when we had our function and child. My husband feels these are small issues and can be overlooked and that we should attend his function. This badly affects my self respect and position in the family and I have strongly said I will not attend the function even if it means not visiting India at all. The only thing I am worried is that the previous times I have taken a strong stand like this even for a very just cause it has been bad on our marriage and for my children's sake I want every thing to be smooth. At the same time I feel if I don't stand up even for something justified, people would wipe their shoes on me. Please suggest how I should handle this matter. Natia replied. Hi,
It sounds to me like there are more than one issues involved here (SIL, BIL etc). However, your marriage should come first. Attend the function, but make sure you let them know how you feel. I see nothing wrong in letting BIL and SIL know that their behaviour regarding your function and your son has upset you and although you did not want to attend, you are only doing so because you love and support your husband. Have they been told how their previous behaviour has upset you? Anyway at a big party like that you won't spend too much time in their company.
Good luck A replied. Dear Sneha,
It is really good that you have decided to attend the function. I understand very well what you are talking about your hubby's attitude as I am also sailing in the same boat. Many times I have to become the \";bad person\"; because I am very straight forward whereas he is extremely soft spoken. Sometimes it really sucks. Many times I just decide to ignore the things, but just can't do that. Well, that is the life and you have to deal with it. :-). Well, I don't know how old are your kids, but they will definitely get lots of attension from your in-law's side. And as you said, if your co-sister and her mother doesn't pay attension to you or your MIL, you can enjoy all the attension from your MIL and other in-laws. So, just don't bother about the attension part. Just take it as a casual party and enjoy. Arun replied. Dear Sneha,
This sounds like a bargain that if you don't attend function it would affect your marriage. I was under impression that marriage is so strong then why should it affect when your husband consider attending/not attending is a minor issue.
It's true that it's minor but should not your husband understand your points are valid though not major.
Try to convince him and/or make a point that this is a last compromise you are making unless relatives reciprocate it's unfair on your part.

I partly agree with \";A\";. A, it's fair with understanding people. Looks like her husband did not care the fact his own brother did not care to see his child although they were in the same country. It would not cost much if he had flew over a weekend.

Arun A replied. Dear Sneha,
I understand your situation very well. But still my suggestion will be as anyways you were planning for a visit to India, attend this function as well. I totally agree with your hubby, these are really not big issues. And moreover, you can meet all your relatives at one place if you go for this function. As you said, if you take a strong stand for not going, it will affect your marriage. So, just for the sake of your hubby go for it. And believe me, it wouldn't reduce ur self respect in any ways rather it will strengthen ur relation with ur hubby and ur kids will also enjoy the function.