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You are here : home > Raising Children > Parental Dilemmas > Problems with In-Laws?

Problems with In-Laws?

Every marriage comes with adjustment because of the union of two different families. Neither does it mean the end of one's freedom nor putting up with torture. The key is to find a balance. Learn some ways to tide over some uncomfortable situations.

It's so much easier to cry about the way things are, to grumble and to complain, than it is to build up the courage to change our circumstances.  We'd rather leave it up to God, and when we 'realise' that God is not hearing our cries, we start losing faith. A man sat in a boat and expected God to row him ashore. God didn't, the boat capsized and when the man reached heaven he asked God why He didn't save him. "I cried for help God. Why didn't you come to my aid?" "But I did!" said God. "I gave you the oars!"

Everyone has their share of problems, and dealing with difficult in-laws is one problem faced by most Indian women. 

Shradha's mother-in-law constantly taunted her, and though she complained to her husband, he preferred to stay out of it. He was supportive, but didn't want to intervene. It was only when Shradha had a nervous breakdown did he realise the severity of the situation, and he moved out of his parents' home with his wife and children. 

Move Out

While living separately can change a lot of things, due to financial restrictions it is not always possible to move out of the parents home, at least, not at the drop of a hat. But they could always aim towards buying a house of their own. For every couple undergoing in-law problems, their first goal should be to find independent accommodation, so they can live in peace and bring up their children in a loving atmosphere. 

Get A Job

If moving out is not possible for the time being, you, as a woman should change your mindset and try and become more proactive. Get a job. Speak to your friends, neighbours, anyone you know, to find out if anyone knows of any vacancies. Go for interviews and don't take it as a personal insult if you are not selected for the job. J.K. Rowling was rejected by more than 20 publishers before she finally got someone to publish Harry Potter. And now, she's a millionaire 20 times over!

If you are not career oriented and don't forsee yourself in a high-profile career, opt for an easygoing job that will get you out of the house by 9, and in by around 5:30. It will be a change of atmosphere for you. You will make new friends, interact with new people, and no matter how light your job, it will definitely contribute to your personality development.  Getting out of the house, rushing to your office, mingling with colleages or customers, making your contribution to the workforce and the economy, getting your salary check at the end of the month, looking forward to weekends and hating Monday mornings, are all parts of the life of an office-goer, and have their own charm. 

A job routines you. You're out of the house at a particular time, and you're back at a certain time. As a result, you bathe on time, breakfast on time, lunch on time etc. If you feel that you will not have enough time to do all the things you want to do when you're in a job, you'll be surprised at how you still manage to fit in everything!. True, you'll have to miss those kitty party mid-week lunches, but it's a small sacrifice for something that's so much more fulfilling in the long run. Before you know it, you'll be taking time out for other activities by waking up earlier in the mornings or spending less time in front of the television. 

Don't take up a job at the other end of the town if you can avoid it, especially if you are a working mother and have no permanent help. Waking up early every morning to cook lunch for your family and then rushing out to catch the local train, returning home and cooking dinner - is not what I would call an ideal existence. Such an existence is a reality for many, due to the force of circumstance, but I have always believed that the human will is a far more powerful force, and can overcome the force of circumstance with perseverance.  Don't be afraid of change. 

Keep Your Distance

Continue to respect your mother in law - she is, after all, your husbands mother - but don't be submissive. Be cordial and polite, but keep your distance - physically and emotionally. Don't try and win her over, or it will only cause more hurt when you are faced with ingratitude. 

Don't volunteer needlessly. If you are asked for help, and if you are free or can fit it into your schedule, help out by all means, but if you don't have the time, say so firmly and politely, and offer to extend help the next time.

Cultivate A Hobby

Join a performing arts class like dancing or singing. It will help you release some of that pent-up frustration and stress. 

Find Your Inner Strength

Don't let yourself get upset by the constant nagging, snide remarks and ingratitude of vicious in-laws. Though this is easier said than done, you will have to work at it, and this is only possible once you have your own life, so go for it! 

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Namrata.9 months ago
It started 1 year back when i got married to my boyfriend. I am a north indian and he is a maharashtrian guy. First, everything was fine and then it started......
1) My MIL feels that my upbringing is worst and she can only bring up children in a proper her SON and DAUGHTER....her daughter of course is the best..A working DIL is not good wife...(She is working too but she is a good wife)
2) My MIL feels that i have worst dressing sense and wear cheap clothes...that does not match her society standards..i wear what i LIKE to and i am comfortable in...not what is costly
3) A girl or shall i call "SUUN" that what these people call their DIL, has to wear all sorts of gold ornaments like...everyday...everytime....I HATE ORNAMENTS TO BE PRECISE
4) She is more bothered about reputation in society than happiness of her own son and DIL..we get no privacy as she monitors my health issues also claiming that she is a ever let me remind that they are not supposed to prescribe..its ILLEGAL..
5) I was once taunted regarding my hometown as well....but when it comes to their home town its the best...a village without streets...forget about street lights...and they expect me to go there every festival.....
6) Recently they have bought a 2BHK by selling their 1 BHK and i am afraid i will have to leave my rented house and stay with them in their house or shall i call it "EMPIRE".......I WANT TO BUY A SEPARATE HOUSE INSTEAD... Sugesstions Please...
.1 year ago
My mother in law is hard to please. She keeps on nagging and creating problems for me. She does not want me to engage a maid and tells me that I have to do all my work myself. She tells my maid that I do not trust her. On the other hand she tells me that I have to supervise my maid all the time since she does not do her work properly. She is trying her best to drive out my maid. My maid is also unnecessarily getting involved in my family issues which I do not appreciate.Please tell me how I can tell my mil to mind her business and also retain my maid since it is very hard to get maids nowadays.
maryann.1 year ago
Am giving this testimony because someone out there may have similar problem My Husband doesn’t think polygamy is wrong. He has been seeing another girl for about four months now. I told him that he needs to stop, but he says he is in love with her. They’ve talked about being together “forever” and eventually her moving in with us. My husband still loves me. He regrets getting into this in the first place, but is not willing to just break up with her. He says if they so break up then thy will be it and he will not pursue another relationship.
nita.1 year ago
i am an Indian woman, facing problem at in laws place... i want to get separated but my hubby is not ready.
kajal.2 years ago
i don't understand why in-laws are given so much of important
simran.2 years ago
this article is so encouraging and uplifting..:)
Divya.2 years ago
Same is the case with me. My Husband has been brainwashed by my in laws so much that he is not ready to listen & ready to leave me. If i am not coming to their terms & what are the terms?

50% salary in joint account for lifelong( already given them 1 lakh rupee by taking loan & bought all household item by my salary for our living)
will h've go to his home 3-5 times in year(we live far away from them)

will not go to your parental home while visiting hometowm(both are from same place)

if you ar not doing job for baby's sake( i have a 6 month old baby) then permanently live with them without my husband.

I tolerated all these & were constantly living under pressure & depression for 4 years. My husband tells them every details of our living & they interfere too much in my life. Some times i think even for peeing also he needs her permission.
Now i refused to act under pressure. If my husband loves me,he will come to me after some time.otherwise its best to cry for some time than for whole life.
NIthya.2 years ago
i need solution for my problem. my mother in law and father in law using illegal words on me and my family. giving torture for dowry. she tell and give to my husband and making problem with us. he beating me bcoz of her. i want to give complaint on her. have to go separate with my husband. please help me otherwise i ll make suicide.
vai.3 years ago
i want to a simple question to all working married womens, that it is right to give all your salary in your inlaws hand & then ask them pocket money. pls suggest me the answer. i am in very difficult situation
Well there is so much to burst out but will try to tell you. I am 27yrs old female and got married 3yrs ago with a very kind person. I am handicap and I lost parents at an early age. My sisters took care of me. So when my husband proposed me my sisters insisted to get married. He is Maharashtrian (only son ) and I am North Indian.I am well versed with marathi language and the custom as I am brought up here only.We got married and there were only 3 of us at home . MIL, my hubby and myself.The problem started after a month of marriage. My MIL went for a knee replacement operation after our immediate marriage and I have to take care of everything along with work. However, she started complaining about my work and used to complain my sisters about this. This frustrated me and I used to discuss that if you have any problem then tell me not my sisters. If that didnt work...she used to call my husband on mobile (while he was at work)and complain and he used to call me even though I was at work. I said that lets discuss all small things at home as I cannot concentrate on work because of such dispute .For few days it used to calm but again she used to start. We didnt had privacy as she sleeps in the bedroom and we sleep in th hall. Then I got pregnant and things were the same. Sometime she used to keep quiet but she disturb alot banging vessels,disturbing us while we are asleep. Because of which I used to make lots of mistake at work and one day I lost my job in a very big company. delivered a baby girl and was sent to my sisters place for 45 days as she wanted to burden my widow sister. After that I was at home only. She used to serve food for me but on phone she used to tell her friends that she eats so much and my son only earns.He is having so much of pressure etc etc. She used to backbite about me with her friends and the maid.Also many a time in my presence. This lady never sits at home she keeps on roaming here and there with someone or the other and used to speak ill about my character. Being widow she dont follow like the old people do. She wants her privacy....costly soaps, deos and shining sarees..nowadays she thinks that she is too young and started wearing punjabis...However when we couple go out then she gives bad words etc.
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Do you have trouble coping with your in-laws? What have you done to reduce the tension between you and your in-laws? Is your partner supportive?
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