Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi everybody,

I started reading this messegeboard just recently...i have also replied to few DIL's.....but i have a problem of my own....i am tired of thinking how to handle that...that is why i am asking help from u guys.....

I have been married for 7years.....my in-laws r also like any other typical desi in-laws....they have mentally harrased me ....we have an arranged marraige, so earlier in the marraige my hubby would not listen anything against his parents...but after certain things happened that made him realise that his parents r not \";DUDH KE DULE\";.....now he is totally changed....he does not interfere in my behaviour towards his parents....

Now the problems starts: I did not know, but my MIL has spread all wrong storis about me among my relatives....she says that i don't cook.....he keep fighting with my hubby...that i have made him \";JORU KA GULAM' etc.....all of which is not true....my hubby is also hurt with all these stories...last year in august we went to india and one of my aunt told me all this?.....i was shocked...when my mil is here...we treat her so nicely.....she gets everything she wants, we take her to see places...and she was telling all these nasty things about us....so i stopped talking to her...from last august i have not talked to her even once...but this coming june we r going to india again for my brother's marraige...

i don't know what to do.....i am scared that now she will have a verbal fight with me...i cannot match her in arugments...i don't know what to do...should i talk to her or see what she has to say once we get there...i don't want her to ruin my brother's wedding in any way.....i think she will threaten that she won't come to my brother's wedding, she will cry and do emotional blackmail etc.....

Please help!!!!!!! tejmom replied. when she comes to your house, you cant turn your head away. if she doesnt come be happy. there will be no need for u to talk to her. dont think you relatives will think something bad. people who want to gossip will keep gossiping, if not this they will find some other fault to gossip. if she tries to blackmail u. dont care. the wedding will take place even if she doesnt come, she is not the bride anyway for u to worry so much ruchira replied. hi yes julyborn.. we are in the same timezone.we can chat sometime augustborn replied. Hey July born...
I understand your dismay and hurt about your MIL's behaviour. More than anything, one feels foolish and humiliated for doing things for people and then be treated like this....
1. You are going to India on a vacation and a joyous eveny of your brother's marriage. Spend your time, where you will be at peace and enjoy.
2. Do your duty of inviting your IL's. Its a mark of respect to your husband's parents. Whether to come or not is their prerogative. There is no question of blackmail in this...Yours and your brother's happiness is not conditioned and based on her whims...
3. Put forth to her the comments she has made...and leave it at that. There is no question of arguement on your part. She will never own about those comments...

And most important, dont let her have such power on you that you are already fretting about your visit(months ahead)...You should be planning happy things right now...and congrats on your brother's forthcoming marriage...

Cheers! ruchira replied. hi july born,
u know this is all MILs fav line\"; she has total control over my son.. she is influencing my son\";. My MIL said it to me..rite after 6 months of marriage.. n u know y.. coz he was posted at hyderabad.. n then he got an onsite opportunity.. i mean.. i didnt wanna leave my home town n go to all these places.. i was very happy whr i was.. his job was taking us places..anyway.. now i know since we are abroad.. if i dont listen to them when i go back,.. they'll say tht abroad ki hawa lag gayi hai.. so even i have decided to b besharam n play their game...hehehe...i wanna stop this pattern rite now.. b4 it gets too late.my hubby had come back from an onsite trip n it was just my 3rd month of marriage n my MIL created such a scene abt him visiting my family...she emotionally blackmailed him so much.. n i did too.hahaha.. poor thing.. but he decided tht he also wanted to get to know my family better...more so coz he can b more relaxed there than with his own parents..
so just ignore her... and enjoy ur brother's marriage... its a once in a life time occasion.. dont let anyone spoil it for u.
love n luck
ruchi ruchira replied. hi julyborn,
i cant imagine u putting up with this even after 7 years of marriage.. my MIL does all this and i thought it was because we havent been married for long.but this is too much... go n stay with u r parents and tell ur hubby to come n drop u.. tht way he can spend the nite there.. n pick up up.. but come in early.. like previous nite or sumthing so tht he can spend time with ur parents too..
anyway as far as the marriage is concerned..invite her..if she says creates a drama.. dont pester her...its better to make up excuse for her absence rather than for her rude behaviour...
i would suggest tht if u have to confront her.. do so after the function n also ensure tht ur hubby is around.. just my feeling sweetie..
take care.. much love..
ruchi LS replied. Hey July_born,

I know what you are trying to say. I have one coming up this year. I am already nervous about it. My vacations there has always been a disaster. I come back with so many bad experiences that it takes me months together to snap out of it....

Now coming to your problem,why don't you just ask your MIL as to why she had to say nasty things about you (she will be shocked that you are asking her this since she wouldn't be expecting it atall..). The more silently we bear such things,the more they torment us. So why not just ask her what her problem is??? Ask her what is it that is bothering her about you. Maybe if everything is in the open,you will be able to handle things better. If you think you have tried to be nice always and is wrongly being accused then don't bother much about her. Your brother's wedding will take place regardless of your MIL attending or not attending. You do your part of inviting her and leave the rest to her.

Try to be as much busy as you can be. Plan your days in such a manner that you are not in any ones's (parents and in-laws) house for a long time. There are so many sightseeing places in INDIA. Pick up some places and spend more time there. Do invite parents/in-laws if you can. This way you are free from everything. Try it. This is what I and my husband are planning to do.