Relationships  Discussion Forum

hii ladies

i have gone through many posts on this forums and felt these issues r very well kwown to me. So i need some opinions against my issue. plz suggest.
I m married since Des 2009 to support my husband I left my job and went to his job' s place in orissa.
But the place where his stays has nothing. Its a remote place ..no shopping center cinema hall markets.Its Belpahar where my husband works in Tata refractory. Being born and brought up in kolkata i felt very depressed to cope up with such a place. communication is a tremendous prob there, if anybody know this plsce will definately agree with me. All day long I stay alone in my quater thinking I m wasting my time. I need to do work. I tried to take internet in my home but failed as there was no such facility for internet connection.. Getting no distributor and even net speed is so low that i cant do my freelance job there even.I shared my problem with my husband he just ignores me, and ask me to stay at home and make food for him. He even doesnt want to discuss any monetary matter with me. I still now dont know his salary amount.one day he said he is going for a tour to Mumbai. I broke up.. how could I stay alone all the week in that isolated place. he showed me other wives example.I said you want me to chat all the week long with my neighbours.. is this a right way of time pass??
watching tv ?? m i old enough to spend my life as retired person?? I like doing my job which is impossible there. He even does mental torture , physical torture as i was upset there. Now I left his place and joined my job again. He gave me option to leave job and stay with him in Belpahar unless he wont allow me to enter quater. I said i would like to visit Belpahar every weekend . he disagees. i want to engage my time in what i like to do but i also like my sansar very much. i decorated the whole flat with my own hand. how could i left that?? I want my career as well as my sansar. My husband is also getting the both. I didnt put any choice before him as i know professional life and personal life both goes on side by side. There is no conflict. But my husband sticks with his condition.
I like to know u people' s opinion. plz suggest..m i doing anything wrong?? Abhi replied. Monica,

I am also a bit surprised at the suggestion by your counsellor in the face of facts that you face even the risk of rape within marriage' with your so called H in case you submit yourself unescorted at Belpahar.

Though I do think that you are yet to exhaust all attempts to defuse the situation. I have this feeling that the problem between you and your H has crossed the level where you two could have resolved things, irrespective of the judgement of who has been how much wrong. This has now escalated to a revenge level and it may not be healthy for you two to try staying together with out an escort. I would suggest, you could propose that I will come along with my mother or father for some time to begin with, once you start feeling safe then your parents could leave you alone there. In any case if he wants you to move out of Belpahar then he can not force you to a place you do not want to go or feel comfortable. So he sending you to Malda can not be his choice without your consent.

But where did he get this opportunity to attempt rape on you? He visited you at your Mom' s place or you two met somewhere else? I think even when you go to Belpahar, you can specify that you will have it only when you feel emotionally secure staying with him. Till then no sex! All said and done, I suppose, you talking with the lawyer has no alternative now. Abhi replied. Well Monica, I would seek to be excused, if I have hurt you. I just spoke out what would appear to any third person based on the facts you have provided. I fully agree that the man has no right to torture you. And I appreciate that you are in contact with a lawyer to deal with a person who married you based on falls promises and betrayed you on the minimum of the marriage vows by having as affair also physically abused you in the presence of your parents, and to top it all denied access to your own home at Belpahar. You may have to actually visit Belpahar once and face his denial of access once to just gather evidence against him. You can always have someone accompany you but NOT SHOW UP before your H. And in case he makes the mistake of not allowing you, feel happy and get back by the next train after creating a jhamela there in the campus!

Modda kotha, ei biyete aar tomar kaaj nei. Its sad and very sad, but accepting this fact and working for your true life after this may be a good idea. You are young and you are a professional. You have not lost much. Wish you peace. Keep in touch. Abhi replied. Dear Monica,

So while you were in B, you had already lost communication with him and in such a state you unilaterally decided on this weekend package and he got to know about the package not from you but from your mom? Is my understanding right? And later when you reached K, he objected to your plan and came all the way to take you, but you still insisted on your package. And then he left with an ultimatum? And subsequently you joined your job.

If the above sequence of events as I understood is right, then, I would think you have very consciously walked away from your marriage! Why cry over spilled milk now? Your parents also appear to have walked along with you in arriving where you have. If you have protected your \" stree dhan\" then I would think its a matter of time that you will feel free again.

You can' t really be loving \" your sansar\" without loving the man who gives rise to your sansar. I suppose you and your H have entirely different outlook to marriage and married life. Without going into judging who is right and who is wrong, the mismatch is too great to be patched. Though these are entirely my personal thoughts, and I could as well be very wrong, I would suggest, contact a professional. Have you contacted the counsellor, I suggested? Abhi replied. Monica,

It' s sad and very sad that you are in this situation today. It has already become very messy.

Some further questions first:
1. What is the status of that office love now?
2. Are you still as dependent as you used to be during that peak of your love for him? Do you still have some contact with him now?

Though I do not want to be judgemental, this guy and his family appears extremely selfish. That he initially pleaded with you and flaunted unconditional love agreeing for your job in Kolkata etc, it all changed when he managed a gal at office! Using that handle he got you to agree for every condition of his! Presuming that the present problem gets solved, he may some day come up with a condition for you to agree to live with a mistress of his!!??

The above apart, I have this feeling that you should contact a counsellor in Kolkata immediately and discuss the situation and then also get in touch with a lawyer to discuss your options. That you were hit before your parents, is ground enough for cruelty along with other force and conditions he has put forward.

Be strong and deal with this creature dispassionately. You surely do not deserve this. Please write more, I will continue talking to you. monica replied. yah, i need to clerify some points here. Its a love marriage. long history. 1 and 1/2 yr ago i met him . He proposed me knowing everything i m a working woman. At first i rejected him but he tried to convince me in all possible ways. At last i aggreed. that time he was working in Belpahar. He put himself as a well behaved , caring, loving person. He never disagrees with me for my job.
He came to my house with a marriage proposal. He told my father that i dont want her to leave the job. Everything was fine then.
Our love started. Everyday we used to chat thoughout the offc timing and then night calls. came to meet me every sunday. we went to movies.
All these things I took very seriously and stared respecting him, loving him more and more.
Then after 6 months, sunddenly he stopped calling me. I didnt find any reason and called him asking about the problem. After a lot insist he confessed he is in love with a girl of his offc. I was shattered.
I was not in condition to leave him in such a situation. It was very unexpected from him for me. I asked for the reason he said he dont want his wife to stay away from him. That time I was trying
all possible ways to bring him back in my life as I was very dependant mentally on him. There was no other way expect aggreing to leave my job to bring him back in my life.
I promised him that i will leave my job and go with him to Belpahar. I said i can do freelancing. There was little chance for my career. Then he agreed to marry me and he apologised for his behaivior even. and later what happened i hav already mentioned.
Now as per Belpahar' s condition, I asked him to forget the verbal aggreement and try to understand my feeling that i m getting bore there so very much. But he is now putting conditions before me more and more. \" If you stay here permanently i will love you, you will get ur sansar.\"
Now i realised i did so wrong becoz no realation could be continued with conditions.

I m a very emotional fool to marry him. Now whatever happened I m asking u all--- does he got the right to put an option before me..career or marriage. as a person I think i have right to do the both things simaltaneosly which i can do.
His family is also against me. They also pamper him ,they want to break us apart.

By the term mental and physical torture i should give some example--
He used to do such things which i dont like-- like somking, alcohol.
He said everybody what is wrong and what is right . But before me He said just opposite.
For example after marriage his relative used some nasty words against my family. He confessed to his frinds that that was wrong but before me he said nothing wrong happened . When i protested he beated me infront of my parents. Now suggest what should i do. Is there any hope to change his mentality..?? any hope to keep this marriage?? becoz I think whatever happen my career should be there.

Becoz if ur marriage lasts i know we will face a tremendous financial prob in future.. becoz i got hints that his salary is not sufficient carry on a family with a child.

So if i leave job we will definately be in trouble in future. But i failed to convince him. After pampered from his parents he gained egoism a lot. He always says he has got his right over me to make me do whatever he wants.

please suggest.
Abhi replied. Dear Monica,

I felt sad to have known your situation. But I also felt it is really not a ' job issue' but a ' marriage issue' for you. I do understand your plight having left your job that too from city like Kolkata where you have been born and brought up. I guess yours is an arranged marriage, kindly confirm. But then an arranged marriage does take little time for the two to develop into a relationship, that too at an age which is relatively ripe compared to those days when your parents might have got into an arranged marriage!

You have hardly spent 6 months with him and possibly with constant displeasure of leaving your job in a city and sitting bekar in a jungle! You are yet to love him, though you might have loved the independent home that you shared with him. I do not see red that he did not discuss money matters with you, but you said \" He even does mental torture , physical torture as i was upset there.\" I want to know what exactly you mean by this, if you could give some instances of what you call physical and mental torture. This is a very important aspect.

The other point I wanted to address is, did you take permission or at least kept him informed that you would go back to Kolkata and join your job or just did that and proposed a week-end marriage?

If the week-end marriage idea came to him as a surprise, then I can understand that he could be upset too. Neither do I see anything wrong in his business trip to Mumbai. I was thinking why you did not propose a trip to Kolkata during that trip of his? That could have a been a lot better than you joining your job back at Kolkata, by doing this you have actually hurt him badly and kind of defied the marriage!

I guess you need to open up a communication front immediately. But having said that I want you to think again, if you really think you want THIS marriage back in track or would you think, this was a bad deal and you would prefer to get out of this and search for a new deal.

I am not a ' marriage breaker' but I am not in favour of clinging onto a broken marriage! My last caution is DO TAKE CARE that you do not bring in a new life while you are in this confusion. Looking for your reaction to reply again. Bhalo theko.