Relationships  Discussion Forum

I am 36 single female with 2 unsuccessful relationship in past.

I started a relationship with my friend (kind of family friend close and attached to my family). He took care for my family similar we were there for him
Before started this I was kind alone for almost 4 years he was aware this fact.

It started when I was in pain and he was caring for me and became intimate. He told that he can’t marry me due to some personal reason and He still loves his ex . He imagined his ex doing physical act. He was very clear in his stand. I started relationship for sake sex or I though it will ease my life and pain. After doing almost one month, I started feeling some emotional connection. When told him it would be very difficult for me to continue this relation and I expressed my feeling. He shocked and told me he never loved me nor he can love me. He just did sex for me and of course for him. But I felt if I continue this relation I will go in depression because, I have already started feeling depressed, crying for no reason.
I realized I need love more than sex whereas he cleared he wants only sex. He told me when a man loves a woman he doesn’t want sex all the time.
I knew I have misunderstood his care as love. I am responsible for my pain. Whatever has happened it happened due to my mistake.
Pls advice me about my stand not to meet him alone and discontinue this relation.
Hema replied. DV,

I understand now that the present one which is ending is the third. Can you mention the gap between the 2nd and the 3rd. Its sad that your 2nd one ended the way it did.

DV at your age, you have to be really careful about relationships. See everybody coming close to you would understand that it is possible to get sex from you! And unfortunately for men, after they get that, they would use all other considerations for a long term relationship, and you may not fit there! But in the mean time your emotions would get trampled. So be very very judicious before you bed the next man. I am not as such against it, but you have to also protect your emotions.

Tell me more if you feel like. Take care of yourself, drink a lot of fluid, eat at the right times. Do you live alone or with elders? I guess you are in a responsible job? Hema replied. Dear DV,

I am concerned that you are in pain. But you have not lost anything, its possible for you to recover and be normal. But you do need to take efforts.

Looking at the case, I wonder if you feel cheated or deceived? Because he has been reasonably clear and never changed his stand and it appears to me, you too got into it, knowing and understanding the situation, his position and even you own mind well enough. Its of course a development that in course of the physical affair you were having you developed an emotional attachment too.

So if now he declines your emotional attachment, you have to excuse him. And in order to reduce your pain in the process, you need to be out of contact with him. This would mean a complete NO CONTACT. No phone calls, no text messages, no email, nothing...

I would also suggest, please see your family doc and get yourself treated for your depression.

Once you feel healthy enough and completely out of the present pain, THEN go for the next relationship. I have a feeling that your second relationship failed because you did not give yourself time enough after the failure of the first relationship. You have carried the baggage of your first relationship into your second.

Please do reply, you should be ok.