Relationships  Discussion Forum

am here to just tell the board my issue and get some reflections from evryone, coz just dunno whom to go to, whom to speak to.....iam a 28 year old in a relationship wth a very sweet person who is a year older than me, we met 5 yrs back at a management institute we both were students in. i was coming out of a serious relationship and M my current partner, was a very sweet naive and yet a real charmer in the campus. wen it was time to leave the place M confessed of his feelings, which thoug i knew i loved the guy like anythng could' nt say yes to for 3 years coz i did' nt kno if i could handle it all. For 3 years he was an obssessed and super serious and dedicated person pursuing the matter like there ws nothng more in life. A year back i said yes, all seemed well....what a sad misconception we had....now were the families....my family who knew him said yes after a little coaxing, but his who have still never seen me and our from a very conservative background reacted as if a nuclear bomb was ready to be launched at their sweet home...reason our different castes and astrological incompatibility...evrythng happnd from collapses to fits to emotional blackmail....parents actually moved in wth him in mumbai and for 6 months poor M underwent the severest form of emotional torture 24*7. The man was broken, seeing his kother collapse wth a violent fit, each time he mentioned his desire to get married.....he was barged wth statements like we gave up our entire life for u and wen its time fr u to do smthng u repay us like ths and wt not. Anywys at the end of 6 months even M was shattered, seeing his conditions his father bended a bit and was ready to ' cobsider' thngs...though thngs are not bright....but now they have given a grudging yes to go ahead and do wtevr u want, just they wont be involved.....but now is the main issue....it seems as if this constant torture of the highest form from his own people broke M' s spirit completly, the once fun loving confidnt person lost his personality and belief, he has now become a person who lacks self confidence and doubts evrythng abt him and our relationshp....thngs have cm to ths pass that after his mother repeatedly commntd on my looks he has startd to take my physical details most obssesvly....a single pimple freaks him out and he is ready to go to any extent to ' mend ' evrythng thats wrong wth me and him physically....anthr thngs is smhow he wants an assurance that evrythng he is doin is right and a guarantee that we are goin to have the most perfect life wthout a single fight...even the slightest the poor child regards as the beginning of the end.....i have been tryng to make him undrtsand and stand by him in all fo ths...but the constant pressure and insecurity abt the future is gettng me...i have noone to shre these issues of mine....at do i do wth him.....now he is saying he not sure if we will have the ' perfect ' life coz we are not relaxed wen we are togethr.....i dnt undrtsnd wen our issue is still not resolved how can we b normal....but what do i do, how do i xplain all ths to him...i kno most ppl say leave him....but i kno he will be hurt like hell, he does' nt undrtsnd and just needs time and some way to make him undrstnd....ho do i do it...wt do i do....i really wnt to make it work....plz help ,plz tell me smthng....anythng.... mita replied. I am glad you mentioned about going to a counsellor. Its a GREAT idea. Good that he realizes that he is going through a psychological problem' , however I will not term it so. I would just think it' s a lack of assertiveness which is the result of the overbearing parents demanding a pond of his flesh(almost) for bringing him up. This love from his parents is NO MORE unconditional, which it is supposed to be. I believe parents have all the right to be judgemental about son' s decision and try to influence if they think it may not be the best for him, but there comes a time point when they need to realize they are harming the guy more by influencing than allowing him to take a so called wrong decision! Parents do need to take a step back with the confidence that \" if we have brought up our son correctly he would take right decisions for himself, if not for us too!\"

Without being critical of the parents any more I do appreciate his and your choice of speaking to a counsellor.

If you can lay your hands on the book Seven Habits for Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey read the chapter on centre of decision making where he eventually speaks about Principle Centre.

All the best. Do keep talking to this board. I will try to respond. mita replied. Dear AS,

Its of course extremely unfortunate that the sweet boy, an MBA and possibly a confident and smart young man is so badly bruised and psychologically injured by his own parents.

However as you too understand that he needs time to make himself straight again and stand up on his own feet and assert his love. Allow him the time. Leave him free for a while. Watch out if he can stand up, do help him to stand up if he seeks your help. But do not challenge him to stand up. Also please understand if this shatters him for all his life, you may do well by not being a crutch to him all YOUR life.

However I would still think, that you should marry the same sweet boy you loved and NOT the shattered one that he is now. Allow him time watch out if he can regain his sweetness and his confidence and assert his love within the time span that you can afford at the longest. Then take your decision.

Do write back, we will continue to talk on the issue. Best wishes.