Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi i too agree wid robert i can tell u only one thing u are educated capable to earn good so don' t listen to any one ur frist priorty should be ur child so tell him clearly and strictly that if he want that u work then only and only ur parents will take care of her otherwise u will not work don' t ever trust maids aayas or daycare ....and not even ur in laws see its only and only womans adjustments which man think we r in their hands puppet ....for ur rights always stand strongly .....iam not saying fight wid ur hubby see in relationship one has to adjust and womens adjust more but for good relation or solving any problem in marriage u should me very cool headed diplomatic according to the sitution and always look at ur priorty ......so tell me fist cooling and try to convience him for what u want and if he don' t agree be strong and tell him strictly about ur dicision all the best take care love to ur kid .......and always be strong

I agree with Robert. Honestly, your husband is being a hypocrite. When he gives you all this gyan about \" our culture\" , does he not realise that his mother giving commands to the Son-in-Law and your husband supporting the Son-in-Law is NOT EXACTLY \" our culture\" . The worst kind of people are those that give you a certain logic to justify their behaviour, and then modify that logic whenever it suits them.

As an alternative, you could suggest to him, that you will resume work on one condition: that you can leave the child with your parents 3 days a week, and with your MIL 3 days a week so that both grandparents get time to spend with the grandchild. This way, your child will bond with your parents too. But, ofcourse, this only addresses the issue of bonding with your MIL, and not the other issues.

When your H is strictly against the idea of the child being looked after by your parents but is insisting that the baby be looked after by his parents, I smell a rat!

Dal me kuch kala hai.

As long as you too understand the family economics completely and are ready to accept the loss of your salary and are ready to depend of your H, your H insisting you to work and that too with unpleasant baby care terms, I do not think you should budge.

But please understand, both working is almost a norm these days, however with due respect to Mel, I still think you could give a gap and get back to a work career, may be you have to start afresh again, struggle a few years may have to compete with young blood then, but YOU CAN, partcularly so in Chennai.

Also read my reply to Gilian on child care.

Your H appears to be a nasty, typical small town materialistic and never grew up kind of guy! Thats abuse enough, but taking into account your statement

" apart from money matters and my MIL he is OK, taking us out and having fun with the baby.. he loves our kid also a lot.. "

i have this feeling, you do not have to think in terms of a D. Marriage is not such a easy thing to just separate and become normal after a D quickly!

But you DO need to handle him tough. Make him sit down, tell him all your concerns. Also write out your entire concerns. If necessary send it over to him by an email AFTER you have talked to him in person.

You can for example propose the following : Thats you would like your baby to be looked after by your parents and only then you will go back to job and he will have no access to your salary. If he can accept these terms he can arrange for a place of stay close to your parents or else, he can proceed with a D proceedings! Let him know that in case you have to work at the cost of the baby, living with him or alone is all same for you and his mom SHALL not get to satisfy her kingsize dirty ego at the cost of your baby. As the father of the baby if he understands this fine, or else you as the mother are good enough to protect the interests of the baby.

thxx robert and mel for your replies.. saw your replies to gilian.. what you are saying is right as my MIL did that even to her dear daughter.. taking control of her child studying in 5th std.. that child will go wherever my MIL travel bunking classes.. when i delivered my child she tried to do the same asking me not to mother feed, and many issues like that... my H was fighting with me for not listening to my MIL. and i too shouted back.. at that time she was adding fuel to our fight, giving points to her son to fight.. this took place in my mother´ s house.. it took many days to return to normal.. i felt happy after she left our house.. even after that she used to call me regularly once in 2 days whether i am bottle feeding her.. i used to say i will do it but not now.. my H will chk with her mother if iam calling his mother also regularly or not.. she did that bcoz it would be easy to go back to work after leave.. she wanted to control/take care of my baby.. but i was stubborn and i resigned..

my H will not even call/tell my parents when he goes abroad.. he would just leave us and go.. i have to manage to go my mother´ s house.. but i have to make calls to my MIL regularly 2 times a week.. after a big fight only i stopped calling her.. many times he is fighting with me to leave the baby to his mother and return back to work - as it is our culture that ladies shud live with in-laws..

my MIL wants her daughter´ s family to be also with us.. we both shud work and take care of her daughter´ s family.. her son-in-law will say yes to this and he was living like that b4 our marriage.. he likes that as all the expenses will be taken care by my H.. he is of that character.. after our marriage only that splited from my MIL.. if i write the entire story i doubt my H will identify me making the problem public..

like this many instances.. the property he earned B4 his marriage was given to her daughter.. in addition to 150 soverigns of gold for her daughter.. but nothig for my H except his education expenses. my H did a lot to his family and now forcing me to work.. that irritates me a lot.. why should i go and earn for him when he has wasted this much money?? he was earning good b4 marriage as he was in abroad for 5 yrs.. now with indian salary also he is doing a lot to his family.. but he used to be very careful that i ma not spending money for my house.. i used to draw my entire salary except some amt for my expenses and give it to him.. but i happily gave my salary and made him to buy a house with bank loan.. that was the only good decision i made him do..

really a very big reply for not leaving the baby with my in-laws.. as she is getting sick often i could not leave her in day care..

my hubby wants me to take a light job - meaning i should take care of my baby and not to disturb his job.. he wont take leave unless sth is urgent and would return after 9 or 10.. often he is in travel also..

working as a software engineer is not a light work.. i have to come back late, forgetting some week-ends also.. i thought of working as a teacher - but he doesnot want that as salary will be less. working from home will not work out for me..

thinking all these only i decided to stay back home ready to accept my loss of salary.. but he is pestering me a lot.. having fights often even in front of our kid.. sometimes i think why to stay with him.. if i come out it will hurt my aged parents.. they will be happily ready to take care of my baby though old and heart patients to make my marriage work.. but my husband doesnt like this as he has seen his mother made her son-in-law to say yes for everything.. but my parents even for speaking a line will think a lot as it shud not create problem in our life.. my dad used to scold me as i am not working as this is against my H´ s interest.. but my H is not ready to compromise anything and he is very dominant.. but he is ready to help me in chores if i work.. now even if i ask him to switch off the stove when i busily prepare my kid for school he will not do - saying it´ s ur job..

some times i feel like working.. just for the reason i want to be wild showing how he behaved when i was not working..

apart from money matters and my MIL he is OK, taking us out and having fun with the baby.. he loves our kid also a lot..

even now if i try to go back to work it would be really very tough managing kid and house and need to refresh everything competing with young blood.. need to give up all the egos as my manager might be younger than me.. i hate office politics and would stay away from those when i was working.. i hv to accept, i dont have guts or ability to get in politics also.. And when i return home if i see my my MIL´ s and H´ s joined politics how can i stay away??

Forget it. Stand your ground. Let him force all he wants.

But, bear in mind, that if you DO want to start working eventually, it may be difficult for you to restart later on. Another thing... is that you will be dependent solely on your husband.

Keeping all this in mind, if you trust your hubby, then just forget it and stay home.