Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I am a working women of 30 yrs, married for nearly 5 yrs . My hubby is 35 yrs old. We faced a lot of problems since our marriage day bcoz of his greedy mother. My hubby is too much influenced by his mother as she has taken care of him and his brother since childhood as his father was posted in army and was away.

The problem is my hubby is tht he is a total mama' s boy. Evrything that happens at our home he tells his mother the next day. He even told his mother tht we cudnt have sex on our first nite as I felt too much of pain.He himself has admitted the same.I have scolded him for that but still he continues doing the same. For every small thing he ll discuss with his mother.
Due to his mother' s interference our relationship has suffered a lot.
My hubby wants me to flatter his mother which I hate like anything. His mother has done everything she can do to destroy our marriage.
I am really frustrated with him and thought that only if a kid comes in our lives then only our relationship can be better.

Regarding my hubby' s family, his parents are staying together now in the native town and both r working(FIL is a doctor and MIL is prof.).
My (hubby' s younger brother)BIL is married and is having 2 kids. He is working in Delhi and has left his wife and kids at his parents' place.

As we both r working my MIL wants tht we send a lot of money to them as my BIL' s family is staying with her.She wants total control on our money and also on me.She had created so much of tension between me and my hubby tht my hubby even dint want a kid.
We had a lot of fight due to this and also due to his mother' s unnecesseary demands of money.

My hubby was initially caring and lovaable husband. But slowly he started controlling me (he ll decide wht I shud wear, wht I shud eat, how we shud spend our money) fighting with me on unnecesaary issues.
Last year I found that my hubby has started sending lot of money to his mother without my knowledge.
We fought a lot becoz of this and I decided not to share my salary with him.

After all these I thought may be having a kid will fix all the issues in our relationships. This year I got pregnant but things got worse. My parents are also staying min the same city. My hubby started fighting with me when I visited my parents. He didnt take any care of me. Fearing of miscarriage due to all the fights and mental stress I moved to stay with my parents. After tht when my hubby went to his parents place , we came to know from common relatives that there he is spreading nonsense abt me and my parents and also threatning for divorce. After this I sent a letter to my FIL explaining how his son has mentally tortured me in these 5 yrs. My FIL is has no voice in his house. I sent tht letter so tht till my delivery these people will keep quiet.

I am not sure now wht to do afetr delivery. I am planning to stay at my parents' place till my kid is 5-6 months old.Earlier I was planning to go back to my hubby with my kid but now I am in dilemma as my hubby didnt care tht I am pregnant and whtever he is doing may harm the unborn baby .
I am not sure whether I shud go back to him. I feel tht he is becoming mentally sick slowly as he is unable to control me now.
Whether I shud see a legal counceller or any women' s oraganization.
I am earning gud and can take care of my baby but am really worried for my parents as they ll be very hurt if I leave my hubby.

Please guide me wht to do.

Gilian
Robert replied. Gilian,

I quote a part of your post :

\" earlier I have planned tht I ll go back to my hubby and ll see if he ll develop some feeling for the kid..if he is nice with the kid then its OK with me..but if the kid doesnt get a gud protective environment then all my sacrifies ll be wasted..\"

Though you might have now decided not to give him an opportunity, I want to stress that \" if he is nice with the kid\" it may not still be OK at all. Particularly with you going for work, the child will be made to develop attachment to your MIL and more dangerous than that, a sense of detatchment from you. Over time they will start brain washing the child.

If you are in India, you may be following the Vijayshree Voora case where the mother of a 7 year old kidnaps her son and runs to India from the US against a court verdict giving full custody to the father of the child, but now the child hates the dad!

So DO NOT TAKE CHANCES with your child. I do understand your idea of lawyer and women' s organisation. Find out if the undue demand for your salary can be used as a dowry harrasment. Also the threat of divorce can be called cruelty on you and intimidation. But the unfortunate part is many of these CAN only turn the case more acrimonious than bring you two close, I am still for an attempt for marriage counseling, provided your H agrees.

What is your mindset as of now? Are you strong enough to live your life all by your own terms? Please remember your parents will not be there all your life to support you. Apart from your parents do you have any peer group friends with whom you can discuss your problem completely open and honestly?

Do come back, lets keep talking. Mel replied. I think it' s a bit strange that your husband felt no loss after you left. Most husbands would have felt tremendous loss if their wives leave, esp a pregnant wife.

It seems (I could be wrong) that because of his mum influencing him constantly, he has slowly grown distant from you. Add to that fights and arguments between the two of you, and that has made things worse.

I don' t think he' s going to change. I don' t think he deserves a chance to find out how he will be with the kid. YOU COULD GIVE HIM THAT CHANCE IF HE INITIATED THAT DISCUSSION. Since he has not asked for it, doesn' t seem interested in it, there is no reason to give him that opportunity.

I understand that your parents will be hurt, but if you sit down calmly and help them understand the background, they wouldn' t want either their daughter or grand child to be in an environment where they are not wanted.

If you want my advice, please move on. Live separately if you want, continue to work, and let your baby stay with your parents during work hours. You will manage fine, and will give your child a better environment as a confident single parent, than if you live with your husband, and your child constantly sees bickering parents who have no love for each other. Robert replied. Gilian,

Indian husbands being mama' s boys is not too new a scenario. Those who are from the so called advancing families start having their mom as the first friend of the opposite sex so they tend to share some of their secrets too with the mom, but your H has been indiscreat not to be careful about what he was sharing with the two women in his life' !

However in the present very complex scenario you should possibly demand on your H a discussion session with you alone if and when he wants to visit you or your child. You should possibly refuse attempts by your MIL to visit you instead of your H.

If you happen to succeed getting your H' s attention, strike a bargain about leaving separately with you and baby but allow him to send whatever money he wants to send however limit how much of your money should go into the family. Also ask him to pay fully for the child.

Decide priorities in life and demand what is more important. Let your H share your bed room secrets with his mom, but decline to share your kitchen with you. Agree to talk to the FIL, tell him you will listen to him but decline to take orders from MIL!

You should see a counselor but not a legal variety but a psychological variety, I mean those known as marriage counselor. Ask your H also to viist the same counselor along with you if he wants to share the joy of the baby.

Please remember the MIL will get old and will eventually fade but your marriage has to be protected till then from her destruction. Your H needs to understand this!

Come back, lets speak further on the issue. Robert replied. I am a bit surprised that the womenfolk here did not respond to you for such a long time. I do have a few things to say, but I would like to ensure you are still here. Please respond by answering if yours was a love marriage or an arranged one?