Relationships  Discussion Forum

I am married for last 5 years with a 4 year old kid. The circumstances we got married were bad. When we got married we were under lot of emotional pressure, but to get married and lead a life together was a mutual decision taken by both of us... But now, my hubby states that he does not love me and having sex to me is just a natural thing...if a man and a woman sleep on the same bed it just happens... I love him but it is not reciprocated... everytime after sex he reminds me it was not love...since last 2 months I have stopped letting him use my love... But he is ok with... when i speak of Divorce he says it won' t be right for the child...I am suffocating in this relationship...If I think of divorce I feel I am being selfish... because my kid loves his father too much...My hubby is selfish, forget about me, but his kid' s needs are also of no importance before his comforts...we have a nuclear family and I have no support from my Parents as they no more...I don' t have a family who could support me...I am a complete mess... I don' t know what I want...Do I want to lead my life or drag along this relationship... prada replied. There can be two possible reasons ,why your husband says he does' nt love you everytime after you get physically intimate.One ,he' s too selfish or may be not ready, to share his love or personal feelings with anybody.He must be a completely self-centered person with no emotional bonding with anyone.Try to understand his relation with others in his family-with his parents,his sisters or brothers ,if any.Do you feel he' s normal in showing his affection towards them or is he the same kind of person whom you always see at home,sans any kind of feelings?
Well ,if you think his behaviour with others is pretty normal excluding you ,then there is a possibility that there is a third person between both of you ,who is influencing your husband to a great extent.This is the second reason.It can be anyone ,the first possibility -another woman,for whom your husband might be doing all this.First work on this possibility,ask him directly if that' s the reason.And if you think he' s too bold enough not to hide any such secrets from you ,then the second possibility can be -some influence or pressure from his family which is stopping him from getting completely committed to you and your kid.
If these two possibilities can be ruled out ,then your husband can straight away be proclaimed as a very selfish person ,who cannot think beyond his comfort and beyond himself.Whatever it is he' s sure miising all the little joys he can have with his kid and a loving wife like you ,thinking about nothing but himself.May be he does' nt even know that caring for family can also give him great pleasures and happiness.
But as aaaa says positive thinking always works.And you need to be very patient to live with such a person if you love him so much and the final and hopeful possibility is you may even change your husband with your positive thinking.
But the next time when tries to say that he does' nt love you,tell him you know it and he need not repeat the same everytime.Also ask him if he' s saying this to you or is he reminding himself to stay away from you. aaaa replied. Hi,

Its sad that you are in a relationship where there is no love. Agreed things are bad but its upto you how you handle this situation. As you say there is no family support for you just think hard and see if divorce really solve your problem. In any given situation we all are battling with some problem or the other its upto us how we want to get out of the situation. As per me given your circumstances, i suggest you first try and talk to your husband why does he not love you, try to see if there is something from your end that you can do to make him love you back. If that still doesn' t work shift your focus on something you enjoy doing, some course or a job anything that will fill your mind with happiness instead of letting you whole day focus on your husband and his behaviour towards you. Before going for a divorce try 100% from your side to make the marraige work only if everything fails think of divorce but make sure you are financially independent before you take any such decision.Be positive and think positive and the result will be positive.Believe that your marriage will work and see how things change in your favour. The power of positive thinking are immense if you believe in it. If possible join yoga or any such thing which will help you in getting inner peace and make you take the right decision. Counselor replied. Dear friend,

I assume that you and your H are in the 30 plus minus age group, correct me if I am wrong. I am also assuming that you are not working, correct me if wrong.

Some more questions : You have not mentioned about his job pressure, does he have to spend too much of time in office and related activities? Have there been skirmishes through this married life of yours on differengt issues? How is your relationship with your In-Laws and parents now? Does he participate in household works or in taking care of your 4 year old, now and earlier?

Your problem appear reasonably routine and very much solvable to me. You may need help from some professional counselor, however your H should also be ready for that. Please try and answer the questions, I will respond again.