Relationships  Discussion Forum

hello friends,
i am nupur again .i have already posted aall my story on this message board under :should i or not:
thing is that now its becoming very difficult to live with a person who gave more importance to his brother's wife happiness rather than his own wife.
a person who did his best in torturing his wife just to make his brother's wife .how has he become so much responsible to make her happy . is she such a sad soul that my husbnand has to sacrifice me
was i so much useless to him after 3 years of marriage that he immadietly decided in favor of his brother's wife . i feel so much hate from me that how did i allow him to make me so much useless. he is such a dual personality . such a neech and kamina insaan, who has spoiled my respect in this home . i hate , i really hate . it was just my foolishness that at some time , i love him , .
he just deserves hate of everybody . he is such a vulnerable creature who could not think abt the intereest of his married life . he himself can not enjoy his married life in this way but he feel so much pleasure in favoring ,or fighting for his mistress cum bhabhi that he is spoiling our children's life also . kids are growing upo . very soon they will start to realise that what going on b/w their parents .
here cd and abc were right in their approach that i should take the kds out of that mess and let that person live alone with his phantacies towards his brother's wife.

how can i live ?.its becoming more and more difficult for me . Nobody could make that stupid realise that after marriage whats the value of his wife . no body could . he has spoiled his married life just for his brother's wife and blames me that i ruined. what should i have been . simple suffer beating , yelling , get neglect before your SIL to make her happy . and even in room i should have been happy with you that yes sacrifice me to make that bitch happy . .
he has forgotten totally that i am also this house's DIL . he has remembered just one thing that how to make his mistress happy . he thinks that he has become great by doing this .
he thinks that i should keep silent because he is palying his responsibilities towards kids . but he has not played any responsibility towards me ot keep me happy . i am a mature adult women ,i am not a cow . i alos have my own desires . but emotionally and socially he will suppport that bitch . we all can see that how is a man becoming a fool ,spoiling his married life for a bitch .
can we do anything regarding this dual man...? well wisher replied. Before you tell everybody about your husband's and SIL's affair, try to collect as much evidence as possible.

Since this is a serious accusation, there is a possibility that no one will believe you and you will suffer even more while your SIL watches the fun.

If possible try to record their conversations or may be hire a private detective who can follow them and take their photographs etc. (I don't know abt India but in the U.S. hiring a private detective is not so uncommon).

I think this is necessary because then there is no way that your FIL/BIL or others will not believe you. If your BIL is 100 percent sure what is wife is upto, he himself may divorce her, when your husband has no support from the rest of the family, he may realise his mistake and everything may turn out well.

If they still do decide to continue with their affair you may want to think of a divorce. If you do decide to divorce, the evidence that u collect will help u in the custody battle for ur children.

So once agian, I believe you, but the world may not, and that would be really frustrating for you. So collect as much evidence of their relationship as possible before you tell others .That will put you in a much stronger position.

And follow the advice of others in this forum. Take care of urself, get a job, get a makeover, you will look and feel good and that will help increase ur confidence.

All the best. augustborn replied. Dear Nupur
My heart goes out to you. I read all your posts and as a woman I know what you must be going through. a woman can bear anything but not bear to share her man...
In your previous post you had mentioned that your husband did admit that your SIL tried to seduce him and that he meets her outside too.
I think its time for some very serious talking. Its time for you and your husband to talk things out; you can both see a councellor(I dont know how practical that is as not all Indian cities have the luxary of councellors). First of all you need to find out from your husband whether he wants to save his marriage or not. If he too is interested in this marriage, half the battle is won. You also need to speak to your BIL and FIL very calmly but firmly. Tell them about what you know and ask for their support to clean out this mess. Impress upon them that its necessary that you all need to handle this NOW before it gets out of hand and then you will be forced to leave which will obviously create a public scandal. Your BIL may not believe you initially but it will atleast make him sit up and take notice. Also, its time to involve your parents. Thats what Indian families are there for: to support in times of crisis and help in resolving the issues otherwise you too can walk out like a westen woman without looking back.
Do keep us posted and remember we are always here to share your problems with.

Best of Luck! cool1 replied. i would say is all u do is ignore him - just becoz that will make ur life more happier.........

ask him get ur own house so that u 2 and ur kids are all alone - look for a house thatz not close enough.

keep ur self active and involved outside the house - take ur kids to a party, picnic, go for a movie, get a job, get involved in social organizations........... do anything that does not involve sitting at home

last resort confront the mistress and ur husband when only 3 of u r present - if everything is the way it is - get out of the shit u r in -------- let him handle the kids and later on u can get them .......... T replied. Concentrate on yourself and improve yourself .
a) Enroll into a course - Aptech , NIIT .
b) Pick up a job .
C) pick up hobby - Gardening , knitting , Reading ,painting .
d) Go out for walks to park .
f) join some kitty parties .
h) join Yoga or Aerobics .
see what all activities suit you from the list and take up . Make yourself a better independent individual why waste energy on him ???

AAA replied. read all your stories.. do not behave like a abla Naari.. your story seems straight out of an Ekta Kapoor serial.. Be strong. Take a job, not for the money but for the exposure. you could make new friends & go out for movies etc. have a smart hair cut (very different from the current one) this helps.. you will feel as if your personality has totally changed. Ignore your husband totally.. There are only 2 things that can happen.. 1. things continue to be as it is . in such a case you dont loose anything.. 2. he realises his mistake & improves. that should be good for you.
who can tolerate sharing of their husband? i totally understand your problem.. but things have prolonged for long. there is no use crying & whining..get friendly to other parents who have kids of your childrens age.. so 2-3 of you parents can take all the kids for occasional outings.. dont involve your husband.. at the same time also dont discuss these issues with any new friends. dont waste time in investigating about his wrong doings.. what will happen even if you catch him red handed? will it improve or solve anything? stop complaining to him.. dont think that is of any use either. behave indifferent with him.. the problem is that he is getting too much attention from you. once that stops & he realises that you can throughly enjoy life without him, he will start following you like a lost pup.. eat helathy, try to put on some weight (if you think that will give you confidence) personally i think you should not bother.
Basically,
* Change your personality to smart, outgoing & independent. change your wardrobe to include smarter clothes
* Stop giving any importance to your husband. but do your basic duties at home so that other problems dont arise.
* meet & enjoy with other people(friends/parents), but stop discussing these things with anyone else (the problem may seem to grow larger on discussion) however, feel free to write here ..
* be nice to your husband when he is nice to you.. dont bother with him otherwise. this cold response will shake him totally..NEVER AGAIN CONFRONT HIM ABOUT HIS RELATION WITH SIL.. act as if you dont care anymore..
let me know what happens..
even if he doesnt improve, 1. you will learn to enjoy life without him 2. your kids will contiinue to have a family. it is better than moving out alone.. try this for sometime.. only if things change for worse, consider divorce!! till then you would have evolved to be stronger & more independent anyway.