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I need help because I cannot stand up for myself againsy my mil. I was never able to say no to her until a few months back when I decided it was time to change. But even today when I do say no to her or oppose her I feel scared and guilty about it. (She has brainwashed me into feeling that way.) She knows that I am scared of her and her anger and she uses this fear and guilt to maipulate me.

She is the most dominating person I have ever seen. But not only that, she is also the most manipulative person that I have ever come across which makes things even worse. She never says anything to me directly. Everything comes as a taunt. I can never point a finger at her. She is very sweet to me in front of my friends for example and changes colors when nobody is around. So tomorrow if I tell people that I am having problems with my mil and she tortures me, no one would beleive me. In fact they will think that I have a problem for complaining against such a sweet person.

I have 2 brothers who live in the U.S. She hates when i visit them. Again, she never tells me directly not to visit them but whenever I do visit them, I notice the change in her behavior, her tone etc. She stops talking to me properly and then after a few days pressurizes me to visit mi SIL (husband's sister) who also lives in the U.S. My mil slowly broke all ties with her 'sasural' since she got married and now she fears that I will do the same. Only people who are capable of doing such things will think that way.

I have a 3 year old daughter whom I love a lot. My mil is jealous of the fact that my daughter is crazy about me. So whenever she is here, she sees to it that I get to spend as little time as possible with my daughter. I get up early in the morning to make lunch and start getting the dinner ready when I come home from work. In this time my mil is busy playing with my daughter. I do all the time consuming things like cutting, cleaning, doing dishes and keep everything ready for her and then she makes the actual dish which does not take long since I keep everthing ready. That way she can tell everbody taht we cook together. I told her that we can plan on the menu in advance so that I can make all the preparations on the weekend which will reduce my work load on the weekdays, but she just makes up some reason and does not let me do anything on weekends. I can not decide on the menu without asking her. I live in the U.S. where hiring a cook is expensive but I even don't even mind doing that when she is here, but she does not approve of it.

The day care that I chose for my daughter was near my workplace. I used to leave home a bit early for work, spend some time with my little one on the way, and then drop her off at day care. But my shrewd mil realized this, made up some reason and made me change the day care and now may daughter goes to a day care which is close to where we live so that my mil can go anyime and pick her up.

My mil never tells my daughter directly that I am not a good mom, but says things in front of her like how my SIL and some other moms take good care of their children etc.

As such I don't like my daughter spending time with my mil because although I can tolerate anything else I cannot tolerate a person who is jealous because my daughter loves me a lot. I feel guilty about the fact taht I don't want my daughter to get close to her grandmother. When I got married I always dreamt of a happy family where my kids are crazy about their grandparents. Afterall I was myself very close to my own grandparents. I read Mrs. Sharma's message yesterday where she said that her DILs don't let their kids get close to her. I feel am I becoming a DIL like her DILs. Should I feel guilty about the way I think?

My in-laws are not well off. We do everything that we can to help them financially sometimes even when it means on compromising on our priorities. We send them money, take them on trips, buy them gifts etc. I have not spent even a fraction of what we spend for them on my parents. But she just takes all these things for granted. (I have no problem helping them financially no matter how bad they behave with me)

How can I stand up for myself and her manipulative behavior? She has brainwashed me into thinking that she has done so much for her son, opposing her is disrespecting her. She tells me indirectly that she will tell everyone that I am a bad DIL if I don't listen to her. (I won't be surprised if people believe her, she is so sweet in front of others) Should I feel guilty about the fact that I don't want my daughter getting to close to her? Guilt is one thing that keeps me from standing up for myself.
How do I stop getting scared of her. How to I stand up for myself? Please help me. sheetal replied. Sorry for posting this late but thanks to all of you for replying to my message. Your comments and suggesstions were very helpful. Thanks once again. augustborn replied. Dear Sheetal
To begin with, what are you guilty about?
Rememeber, its our duty to respect our elders but its a sin to let people treat you as a doormat. People hurt you only when you let them.

1. Your MIL is manipulative and taunting: Leave her to her tactics. Laugh at her ways. Force yourself to think that her antics are amusing. DONOT let it touch you. When my MIL taunts me about something, I pretend not to understand it and infact bug her by asking again and again,\";Nahi mummy why did u say that...what did you mean by that..i didnot understand?\";
Ultimately, its your 'dont care' behaviour which will bug her.

Doesnot like your visits to your brother's place: Why do you need her approval/happiness regarding this matter. Again, if you project that you just dont care what she thinks about your visits to your family she will eventually have to give up her mean antics...
Cooking: Keep your meals simple during working days(as someone else too said here). Take charge of your house lady. Plan your menu and stick to it. You just need to be polite and firm(thats not disrespectful!).
Daycare Issue: Its your child and you should make all decisions regarding your child. Listen to everyone's advise(someone may have a good advise)but make your own decisions.

Lastly, they might have done a favour to their son by doing whatever they did for him but you dont have to pay for that. Let the son pay for that. For you, they are your elders and command respect due to that fact not for anything else...
Also, donot be afraid of letting your daughter get close to your MIL. It is her right to love and be loved by her grandparents. You are her mother, noone can take your place ever.

Cheers! cool1 replied. these are my suggestions
1) let ur mil decide what to cook - by afternoon and let her make all the preparations - cut veggies,etc time consuming stuff - when everything is ready u make the final dinner (cooking stuff)
2)after u r done - both can together do the utensils - or ask ur hubby to join u wiht that so u can spend time with ur daughter.
3)tell the day care people that it is only u that can take ur daughter from the day care and no one else.
4)make ur plans wiht friends or go for movie or buy a movie home on weekends that ur daughter or husband likes and watch that - make food before or after that
5) most imp - keep ur food simple - elaborated dinner/lunches are for special occasions...........
sheetal replied. I wanted to add that what I have written is just a part of the story. Even before I had kid my mil tortured me with all her taunts - to me and to my parents. I used to cry but never had the guts to answer her back.
There are endless things that hurt me a lot but I ignored and continue to do so. She has not harmed me physically but have done everything she can to torture me mentally. If I mention them all, it will be a never ending story.