Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Friends,
I am married for 3.5 yrs and now 3 months pregnant. My husband is a very nice person when he is away from family, but when his family is around him, I dont know what happens to him, he takes me for granted and he gets influenced very easily with them. I know this was true earlier also but I thought that because of my pregnancy he might get changed. There are very small-2 things, I cant underrstand how he can forget. Currently his brother (who was married for a yr but his wife got expired, they were also having the same problems) and his sister is staying with us. His sister is very much pampered and very much possessive about his brother. She cant see both of us happy. These days I am going through very much stress , although doctor has advised me to be happy, peaceful and calm for the benefit for my baby. But as soon as I enter the house, I get tensed and whenever I feel the presence of my SIL' s around me, I just cant keep my peace of mind. I had gone through lots of suffering and pain in my marriage, and I am not able to forgive her. My husband keeps on pushing me to have a good relationship with her, I tried at times but that never got succeded. When she is away I always think that let me leave the past and have good relationship with her but as soon as she is in front of me , I forget all things and all my old feelings come back. The situation is that my whole body chemistry changes whenever I feel a presence of her and the irony is that we are living under one roof.

My husband also doesnt understand certain things, I really cant understand how I can make him understand. He is on the same tune from the last 4 years that my family is very nice, you should adjust with everyone. He only belives in giving but unfortuantely, I dont. I want things for myself too. I am a human being and want to live a humanly life. He never asks me for going out for dinner or shopping. We always go with everybody, and there also he never asks me to buy anything for me and if I get something for myself, he make me feel guilty like anything irrespective of the fact that I am working and earning a handsome money. I am really frustrated and worried what should I do, especially in the situation when I know that it is impacting my baby.

Certain things which I never understand about his behaviour.

1) Doctor has specifically asked me not to have junk food (pizza, burger etc), one day my brother was here and his brother & sis were making plans for the pizza, he couldnt have said, that doctor has advised her not to have pizza. lets go somewhere.

2) From the last 6 months it is happening that all of them do breakfast together. not a single time he said, u guys carry on I will have with my wife. They left me and carry on with their offices.

I feel I am an unwanted element in their lives, sometime I really think that I should run away from here and get somewhere where I dont need to deal with all these politics. but then I make myself understand maybe with time things will get better.

I am very much tensed and stressed out , I really cant understand what to do. Moreover I have one more life with me, I want that my baby should be fun loving kid. Please suggest me how I can be happy in this situations.

Thanks a lot in advance,
-Archna
meeta replied. Dear Girl ,

You need to be mentally strong in dealing with such people. Donot expect them to behave sensibly even if u r pregnent and require special care. About SIL problem, you will just have to accept that God has made her that way only ! Believe me trying to change her behaviour or expecting your hubby to ask his sister to mend her ways will be only frustating and total time wastage. Go through this forum' s archieves ... you will find whole lot of women facing such issues even in well to do educated homes. So, the point is that take the responisibility of keeping yourself happy no matter what , for yourself and baby. Even if his sister drives you mad, stop complaining about her to your hubby, instead whatever little time you get with your hubby, do interesting stuff and talk about other topics then in-laws. Remember there is a Higher power which is watching all of us and our actions. So pamper yourself, go ahead and buy the stuff you like, ignore your hubby' s comments about purchases ! Once in a while buy him no occasion gifts to show that you care for him and are a nice person. I assume that you have no one to talk to in your in law' s house about your issues and you must be feeling lonely seeing them all bundled together always. So I would strongly suggest meeting a therepist. You can pour out all your unresolved emotions to consellers. Bond with other ladies in the neighbourhood, Go to parks for walks and befriend the kids and moms there. Learn meditation, join classes for that. It will make you mentally calm. Read good books and listen to soothing music when you find your temper rising. Remember that with persistence you can overcome these changes which you feel in your SIL' s presence. Have patience and bring some lifestyle changes... Standing up for yourself and doing things for improvement will do wonder to your self esteem. Plus, you can write on this board about the things that trouble you. About myself.. I do pranayam for keep my anger in check (well, I do not get alonf with my inlaws too, I like you I used to feel uneasy and angry in their presence .) Yoga has helped me a lot. If you plan to start yoga then make sure that the aasan pranayam are safe for a pregent lady, because lots of these are not recommended in pregnency. All the best. Do keep us posted.