Relationships  Discussion Forum

Name: Ritika

Hi AA,

I read your previous post about your marital problems...here are some of my initial thoughts...

1) You and your husband have major communication problems...does your husband know what all is in your heart...about you feeling unloved and not respected? About you moving away from him emotionally? Have you two ever talked about what ails your marriage? Or is it something that he has never shown an interest in talking about?

Pick a weekend and tell him that you want to spend some time with him alone...ask a friend to babysit your kid for a few hours and then take yr hubby out somewhere...where the two of you can just talk...

Tell him that feel that your marriage is going downhill and that you want to stop that...you are no longer happy in your marriage and you want to be...tell him that you want to have an honest talk about it all with him...so that you two can figure out how to put your marriage back on track...

If you want, email him this before so he won' t be totally surprised...

2) If you want your husband to pony up in the household department, then you need to make it clear to him that you need his help in doing stuff at home as you are getting burnt out with too much work and exhaustion...

Ask him to help you cut veggies for a start or tell him to take the kid for a walk outside...anything that makes him get more involved with family...he' s been sitting like a couch potato for too long and might resist a lot at first...but keep at it...not in a nagging way but in a gentle way...

eg. the first thing that my hubby does after coming home from work is to open his laptop and start going through news...then he' ll expect a cup of tea...all this time I' m rushing through with preparing dinner and juggling our baby..did I mention that I also have just come back after a tiring day' s work...

So how do I handle it? I give my hubby 5-10 min to unwind...prepare tea for him and ask him to relax for a minute...so that he knows that I am concerned about him...then he gets his tea...while he is drinking it, I ask him to take care of the baby after he is done with it so I can be free to prepare dinner...if I need help with dinner, then I' ll ask him ' sweetie, please cut 1 onion and 2 tomatoes...I' m frying this thing...\" or \" please thoda aata saan do, so once I have the curry ready, we can quickly make rotis\" ...

I admit that its very irritating sometimes that you need to put in so much effort while hubby dear takes you for granted...but now i have realized that every time I expect something from him, I need to verbalize and vocalize it...maybe its just the way men are...

3) I' m assuming you are in a western country..if yes, then go and get some marital counseling. Now. Sometimes it is easier to accept that you are wrong when it is coming from a third person...

4) If after all this, nothing is working out then try to go away for a while...take a 1-2 week' s vacation and go somewhere alone with your kid...let your husband fend for himself...let him realize what your value is and vice versa...sometimes we don' t appreciate someone just because they are readily available to us...

I' m still suffering from jet lag so maybe all of this is not entirely clear but hopefully I am making some sense...

love,
Ritika

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