Relationships  Discussion Forum

I think many of you know my story...but i dont wanna get into it too much. me and my H have been having tooooo many problems. i am with my parents right now (for school) and i am 8 mths pregnant. His father got involved and they all basically told me NOT to come back (this was in january) until i was done med school, or to QUIT medical school right now and come back. This was all because of an exam. my FIL is very mean. He started saying things to me like, im not his daughter, he hates that i came into the family, he doesnt care about the baby...sooo many things. he said the same thing to my dad as well, that they cant afford the baby!
My husband started saying the same things. That he doesnt want me coming back to him, and his parents wont be able to take care of me when im very pregnant. We didnt talk for a long time after this (my husband was also very rude to my mother)
Then out of the blue he calls me one day, a month later, and says he wants us to talk on the phone first and see if we can work things out and then we' ll TRY otherwise we would get a divorce.
I, like a good indian girl, said ok. I didnt say ANYTHING to him.
Then the last weeek i could fly, he says he wants me to come back....in that SAME conversation, he tells me he' s already talked to a divorce lawyer..but still wants me to come back so we can TRY to work on things. of course i hesitated.....he tells me not to come back, talks about divorce all the time, says he cant afford the baby!
My parents also said i shouldnt go back. there was only a month left till the baby is born, welll now its less then 3 weeks, and my baby is already going to be smaller then it should. Because I was weak enough to let him and his family bother me so much i couldnt eat properly at times.
I told him its not a good idea for me to come back...the doctor told me i needed to rest as much as possible.
He got angry and said he doesnt think we are going to work, that i dont care enough about the marriage...and to stay there with my parents and to come back when i want to, if i ever do.
Now i dont even know what to say to him.

he actually said to me, ' the baby isnt going to shrink on the plane ride here'
WHO SAYS THAT?? God will surely see his actions and his words.

I dont know if i should calll him or not. try to establish connection. he says i dont try hard enough. im so confused..please help!!

my full story from before is under CRAZY STORY.
please. any advice?? Goldy replied. I read your story and would like to mention few things:
1) Take care of your health so that the baby is born healthy.
2) Just forget everything and be happy.
3) Just think only about ' URSELF & UR BABY\" .

Rest you can think later and plan thing..

We are all there with you and will guide U...

BE Happy and Healthy..

logic replied. reading your story for months
JEEZ DUMP HIM ALREADY YOU DUMBHEAD!
He seems to be kicking into the garbage, and you still want to talk to him? dont you have any self esteem?
You keep begging to go to him, and he is always going to treat you like trash. For once show him he is trash and aint worth your time, hopefully in the future he wont treat other girls as his slaves, like her treated you.
and No Divorce is not devastating, it is not as devastating as how he treats you. think about that. freind replied. i am following your story from the very begining. now i think i will write something from my experiences which may benefit you. dear friend you are having a very tough time now. so make very sure of the decisions you are making. from all the responses you got and going through other people' s expereinces you can understand a lot about different kind of people.
first of all keep this in mind. people will never change. if they act like they changed it is just only under that particular circumstance in which there will be something beneficial for them. but if there is a change really we can understand that in theor words and behaviour
in your case i think if he changed the first thing you should notice is his love towards you and your baby. if not then i cannot believe somebody changed here.
also dear friend i think this is a very imp[ortant time of your life. this single decesion can change you and your bab' s life forever. forever means for the rest of you lives. so please be very careful and thoughtful.
never ever give up your studies. fisnish your school. and before that you have to welcome your precious child and give all the love you can so he will be a good person as you . so think dear is going back make yours and your bay' s life more comfortable and good or make it miserable. is it gonna make a good family in which your baby is going to grow smart and matured or like the other one which you don' t like. you know what the decision you make now will decide the rest of your life. so if you can be comfortable and give your child a good family atmosphere adjust somethings andd go back after child birth.
otherwise if you feel your life which you had is going to end and another episode with a depressed mom and child begins then i will say better be yourself dear. you can do much better by yourself. can give a good upbringing to your child you can live your life freely. don' t have to fear what fil is going to think and all. separation is avery difficult part. but if lofe demands that what the option is as i said earlier get ready to go through life long unhappiness and fights and a child in between thinking this is life. if there is no love and respect between parents it is very difficult bringing up good children dear. really. kids will get confused. they don' t how to behave they see different kids of behaviour. eventually they will think it is ok to be rude to lie and all. so you decide.
for any kind of decesion you have to be strong. so strong. i know you are.
i don' t know whether i helped you or not friend,but i thought i should write what is in my mind for you
take care will pray Chandra replied. We went a month without talking, in feb-march. i dont want that to happen again, especially since the baby is coming in less then 3 weeks!! He thinks I have made mistakes, but I know I havent. I was a very good daughterinlaw....very respectful no matter what they said to me. My FIL has been very mean to me, but i didnt say one little word. I just said, I don' t know why you feel that way dad, or i said, i dont know what to say. very veryyyy nicely.
its a very odd situation. I have been thru things in my head, and cant think of anything i have done wrong for him to be sooooooo mean to me....i have put up with A LOT. and still i dont bring it up. i WANT TO...but i know now is not the right time.
I figure, if someone is going to act so rudely, they just dont know the difference between what is right and wrong, so i cant hold it against them. I can just be good myself, and hope one day, they will understand that i have no bad intentions!
i have to call him tonight, and im actually afraid of what to say! i mean, i dont wanna make things worse!! any ideas?!?!? Chandra replied. Thanks for taking ur time to msg!

A few things, to clarify. I got pregnant very soon after we got married. We had a great relationship before everything went downhill. And we wanted to have a child earlier then later, because my FIL is very sick, (better now) and we wanted him to at least have time with his grandchild.
In all honesty, I wasn' t too religious. I' m actually not very religious at all, but I do believe that the reason I got pregnant has something to do with God' s plan.

My husband' s problem is i dont make the RIGHT DECISIONS. He told me to quit medical school, and i refused. I told him, if there was a reason, like a family emergency, then it makes sense to stop. But why would I do that just because he wanted me to?
His dad had said to him, ' if she doesnt listen to you now, what will she do when she has her degree in her hand' .
Another ' bad decision' he said I made was this. He asked me to come back, this was JUST before my 8 mths. Before this, (all of this is in the complete story i wrote) but before he had told me NOT to come home, that there was no place for me there, he did not want me to come back to him, and his parents werent going to be able to take care of me when im very pregnant. He talked about divorce several times, he has been rude, cussed at me, talked about abortion. Now when he knows, the baby is smaller then it should be (and im not blamin him at all, i know its my fault, i let him and his family get to me) and i have had complications, the doctor told me to get full rest. He STILL expected me to come. But even before that, i told him i was scared because i didnt know what he would think about us. I mean, he talked about me coming back, and in the same convo he told me he has talked to a divorce lawyer???
He thinks its not a big deal. He doesn' t realize what having a baby means. He is so wrapped up in his ' principles' he doesnt realize that there is another life that will be needing parents. If not him, then me at least. i can' t put only me and our relationship before the baby. I don' t understand why he doesnt get it.
So this was the other decision he said i made wrong. That I should have come and i didnt. I mean, what do you say to someone like that?!

My parents are definately supporting me. But you guys know, indian parents and divorce..DO NOT MIX. sure it happens, but that will devastate them. And they have been thru a lot. I don' t want to put them thru that. I can stay married to him, thats not my problem. I mean, I know a lot of couples who are married, without ' true love' , and it doesnt bother me. I think its because I am having this baby that I don' t really care as much as i used to. Sure i care about him. But how much can one possibly care for a man, when he obviously has no sense of humanity!!! Male pt of view replied. Hi,
Sorry to say this but I have been reading ur post for long, and I never understood ur complete circumstances. Today u have mentioned things in one go and I am able to understand the situation.

Well one of the major mistake happened at ur end also is getting pregnant before having a good relationship with ur hubby Anyways now whatever has happened is happened and might be god has some intentions in this also.

So far as I have understood, one of following 2 is true:
1. Ur hubby is not interested in u: In this case u can' t make a good life with him, so better think about u and ur child and move forward, probably no other better option available.
2. Ur hubby is interested, but his parents (or ur in-laws) are not interested in u, either becoz of dowry or his mom-dad were interested in other girl or whatever reason. In this case have baby first at ur mother' s place for baby' s safety, keep in contact with ur hubby, inform him how u are feeling, he kicks u, etc. and lot of good things about the feeling of child, but keep contacts. After child go there and try to work the relationship, slowly after 1-2 years, try to ask him to move another state/country and live ur life in a good manner away from the in-laws.

Now out of above 2 circumstances, which one is applicable to u, that u know better. So think what is the case or what might be the case, then follow the strategy. (Sorry for using the corporate word), but thats the way out to work in this kind of scenario.

Regsrds,
frnd indeed
Another Girl replied. Hi Chandra,

You might have been living an awful life. Had I read your story long ago, I would have definitely suggested you not to have baby and make things work with husband before even thinking about a child.

But now your situation is out of your hands dear. You are 8.15 months pregnant. I am an Indian too, even then saying, Indian mentality and Indians always try to blame others. I do the same myself. I am living a miserable life than you are, therefore 3 years of my marriage... but no kids to even think of... I actually don' t have a right to spoil life of a small child whose father and grandparents are ........

I would suggest you to take a bed in hospital because you don' t have choice.
Your parents might say you to go to your husband so that your relationship works. Your husband never wanted a child so he wants you to fly in this state so that something either happens to you or your child. Incase he cares, he should come and stay with you.

Its time, that you stop thinking about yourself and your sufferings and think about the impact of all this on your dear child. Even if you spend life with your husband and your in laws who will always shout on you and will call your child an additional burden, just think what impact will it hold on your child about this world at large and probably he starts hating people. I know that all people are not same, but a child learns from his surroundings.

See yourself, you might be born in a very loving environment, and see how your changing might have changed after living life with husband and in laws. Don’t let this happen to your son/ daughter.

Just make a wise decision and remember that people don' t change. They always remain the same.

Ever seen a guy who is interested in a girl, \" Jab tak ladki pati nahi...tab tak flowers and chocolates lekar aayenge... jab pat gayi and marriage ho gayi.... phir sab bhul jayenge aur apna asli rang dhikhaenge...\"

Best of luck ABC replied. Dear Chandra,

I want to ask u only one thing. Why u want to live with a person who has no love and concern for u and ur child. Is he an illiterate to ask u to come in flight at 8th month of pregnency?If he talk in both ways (like asking u to come back, and telling that he has spoke to lawyer)that clearly states that he is not in a stable position by himself. There is no point in trying to hang in relation with such person.

In this state, even if u get back to him, there will be no support for u and infant. Instead u will undergo, too much of stress and depressions, both physically and mentally. He has to answer how he could force u to this extreme end of depression. U did medicine and know this state of depression is not good for ur infant. How could u leave ur infant with out proper food.

U are well educated, excellent future is awaiting u, interms of ur child and profession, u have full support of ur family. what else u need. Go ahead and give diverce. Enjoy with ur infant, parants, profession. U are going to be the world for going to be born baby. please think about only that and leave rest. Malini replied. Sorry to say this but your husband is a moroan. He sounds stubborn, not well read or aware of general issues such as health, airline restrictions and in general a selfish human being.

You are soon going to be a qualified medical doctor, an independent and educated woman of today. You don' t need a man like this in your life. As tough as it may sound you need out girl. You need to take a divorce and get on with your life and child. You will make it on your own and trust me your baby does not need to grow up in this kind of environment. Your husband has absolutely no feelings for you or this baby.

If you don' t take a stand now and compromise you will regret it for the rest of your life!

And you have an added plus point that your parents are very supportive of you. Many women out there dont' have that! abc replied. i tink ur hus and his family is crazy (no offence).wat kind of man is he?ur doctor.i mean u passsing frm medd school.
then after havin baby be financially independent.wat does he mean he cant afford baby.after all he is responsible.is he jobless?
dnt feel bad frm wat iam abt to say.i tink he wants to end marriage with u.also i feel there is no point in staying with him.he doesnt care frm his wife or baby.
now u do wat is best for u and baby.taclke him after having the baby.lets see if he ever changes. .. replied. i dont know whether u r aware of it, all airlines in this world have a certain restriction on pregnant women travelling after 8 months, they are not going to allow u. tell this to ur hubby, ask him to check with any airlines... .. replied.
ask him to come to ur place, and be with u during delivery. Tell him if he comes then u' ll will get time to bond with each other very well, and also since ur due date is close by and u dont want to change doctor at this point since its almost time. Ask him it will be gr8 if he comes to ur place, then see his reaction.