Relationships  Discussion Forum

A big Hello to everyone!

I discovered this board yesterday and read most of the posts. I am glad I found this one because I can identify with all of you as our culture and backgrounds are the same...
Let me share with you my tryst with my inlaws :)

I have been married 3 years and luckily have never actually stayed with my inlaws(just occassional visits lasting 15-20 days). Since we are both IT professionals, we have been stationed in big cities(far-far away from inlaws) and now we have moved to US.
I started my married life with all the naive ideals of treating my husband's parents and (married) sisters as my own and being loving and caring..blah..blah..
Inspite of living miles and miles away from them, I slowly and steadily discovered that whatever I do and however, nice intentions I have for them, I will always be an outsider and treated with suspicion(even my good intentions & motives questioned).
Here are some examples:
1. I would make it a point to call them every weekend(even though my husband was abroad on an assignment and had not asked me to do this)out of respect and affection. But if I didn't call they would never call to find out whether I am alive or dead. They make STD & ISD calls everyday to speak to their daughters though :)
2. I would make it a point to remember everyone's birthday and special occassions and call them. Also mail gifts. None of them ever even wished me on my special days(forget about gifts). Initially I thought it was petty of me to mind such things but now I do mind!
3. My MIL and FIL always say that there is no girl equal to their daugters and try to belittle me in their comparison(Let me point out here that I am more qualified than them and doing very well professionally). I always ignored this and thought it would be petty of me to mind such silly things...

Anyways, I recently discovered that my SIL's have been saying very nasty things about me and calling me by abusive names(I have never lived with them so its strange that they should form such opinions). I have always been good to them in thought and deed. They have been poisoning my IL's mind against me. When my husband and I discovered this(we accidently came across some mails written by them). It shocked us speechless...
I finally understood what the problem is...
My eldest SIL who has always had a great involvement and say at my IL's place has been throwing her weight around. She wants to know everything that happens there and wants to be a part of every decision taken(even though shes married and has her own home). She throws a tantrum if she discovers anything thats been not told her. The other one is no better...I knew(saw) this right from Day 1 of my marriage but didnt resent it because it didnt affect me as we lived in another state and didnt cause any interference in my life. When will daughters understand that they are not the only ones who care about their parents and the \";Bhabhi\"; is not someone evil. Why dont daughters leave their parents and brothers(and their wives) to live in peace....
But her interference has grown to a limit where she has convinced her parents that my husband and I dont care about them(which is not true). She encourages them to think that they are old and helpless(they are not even 60 yet!)and their son will not return from US(again not true!). This reflects in their communication with us over the mails or when we call them weekly. The saddest part is that they have convinced themselves that I am to blame(btw we are here only till the proj lasts and they know it).
Another dimension to this problem is that we have stopped communicating with my SIL's after we came to know about how they have been trashing me all the while. I have promised my husband that I would be always civil and nice to them whenever we meet and he has promised me that we would only communicate with them as and when socially required.
My FIL has repeatedly taken my husband on a guilt trip about his \";sisters and the love they deserve inspite of what they do\";. But my husband has stood firm and refused to discuss this further.
Whenever we go back, we would be inviting my IL's to make their home with us. I am a good and kind person and believe in families but i am also not a doormat. I will not take any crap from anybody. I will also not brook any interference in my family matters from my SIL's.
But I forsee a lot of threaticals in the near future. Has anyone been in this sticky situation. How do I manage these schemeing SIL's and keep them away from my life once I am living with my IL's because I can never be friendly with people or even fake friendship who have back-stabbed me. These women are not welcome in my home or life...
LS replied. I have gone thru a similar situation. I was so naive about certain things and ended up getting hurt all the time. But now i have learnt to be clever. I have taken charge of my life. I have kept contacts to a bare minimum. When Hubby calls i talk a line or two. I don't ask or give any info about anything. i let my hubby do that. After the calls are over we don't discuss or analyze about anybody in the family. We just leave it there. In reality we don't ever discuss about eachothers families. So far this arrangement is working well for us. niyathi replied. hey u know what i could understand from ur story since u give them respect and show affection u expect the same from them which is not all wrong. and i must tell u this is the case with all dil's and its nothing new, out of 100 cases 99 of the dil's are facing the samething, and its good that u r working so that u dont need to think of all this crap the whole day, unlike me. from now onwards dont expect anything from them either ur in-laws or ur sil's etc, and even u stop calling them. and all what u have written is very common even i face the same dont worry,