Relationships  Discussion Forum

I am working abroad I have a problem and I need your advise.Little backround before my marriage my father passed away and I was taking care of the family mom ,sister one elder brother married and one younger brother studying. I was the only source of income and we had lot of debts It took 4 years for me to settle the debts and arrange marriage for my sister (with lots of dowry).B'cos of all these I was not able to save anything for me.

I got married almost a year back and my wife is with me , after marriage I send money to my mom's expense and for my younger brothers education.thats not the real problem. Previously as I was in my dad's position to my family memers they (mom and brothers )always discuss the family matters with me . Here is the problem my wife don't like that she thinks because of this I am not fully committed to her.She thinks that my love for her is splitting because of this . Many times I try to tell my wife she is my primary importance in life .But she is not ready to agree that and always telling me to stop *this*.She says the one and only wish of your wife to *stop* But will not tell me exactly what I have to stop and she always says that money is not a problem. I love my wife a lot and we dont have any other problem till now.BTW I told my wife before marriage that I dont have any savings of my own and have to continue support my mom financially.

AM I doing something wrong ?

How do I handle this ? How do I fulfil my duty as a s a loving husband and a son and ?

Any advise how to balance this ?.

vaishali replied. heres what i have to say,

i can put myself in your wives shoes and probably i would say the same thing as right now i share my husband with 6 other family members in the same house.
what i would suggest you do is - allocate time to your wife and ur other family separately.
i.e. friday, saturday, sunday no talk of your mother, brother etc...none at all - its as if they are not there at all.
you and ur wife - go out , help her in the house and appreciate all little things that she does......... talk about her family -----
this will surely make a differece.

HOPE this helps. Advisor replied. Confused_guy,

Do you talk or discuss the problems told to you by your MOM/sibling with your wife? She must be feeling left out that you don't care to share their problems with her. Do you listen to her views onthings? Communication is very important in every marriage. Also start saving for your own family. Though she says that it is not the money she must be scared that your financial situation is not getting strong. I don't know about your elder bro. Doesn't he contribute anything? How young is your younger bro? How soon can he do whatever yu have been doing for your MOM so far? You need to find ways to solve your financial situation. Please don't make your wife a SCAPEGOAT in your marriage . She married you with lot of dreams. Though you can't fulfil everything you can atleast be her BEST FRIEND and try to make her feel important by doing something nice for her every now and then.

There are ways of winning her trust and love .Give her small gifts,call her from work regularly just to chat,take mini vacations,watch a movie or eat out a week,geninuly praise her for cooking,and very crucial that you be there for her all the time when she needs you. These are small things but very helpful in creating a bond that is needed between married couples. It is not just enough to say that you are important to me but also has to be proved repeatedly in the first few years of marriage like CD said.

Things will eventually work out. You just need to work a little harder to ease out things.

cd replied. hi confused husband,

I am sure you are one of the DILs husbands who has at somepoint written to this board.

at the outset, i am sorry for the hardships you have faced, but i am sure you have emerged extremely responsible person due to all this.

Have you tried telling this exactly as is to your wife?

secondly, when you married your wife, you took on a new responsibilty, towards her, towards forming your own family, do you agree?then you have to behave with her like she is family. when you still keep the same 1-2 hours conversation with your family while she is longing for you, it does make her feel a little non-family.

will it be ok for you if she does the same. I think thats the key question in every relationship. if the other half does the same and is ok, then you are justified doing it too.

as she says the money is not a problem, so be cool. that is not the problem.

its the lack of your attention to her. think about it genuinely if you want to solve this problem, how much time to you distribute between work, your family and her. is it balanced? this is where you need to find the balance.

Remember the first 3 years of married life are crucial. If you get set with your partner. you have got a bond for life! Build on this. other relationships will fade away, this ones here to stay.

No one's saying you neglect your mom/siblings. but you have a new family now, dont you?take care, dont wait for a disaster to strike!!

your mom will love you more if you have a happy family and a loving dil.
but for her to be loving dil, you must be there for her all the time.

if you feel guilty if you spend time with her, then you married early, you are still not ready.

get over it. she's left her parents wholly hasnt she? she's only asking you your time isnt it?