Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi mm,

I have been meaning to reply to you for a few days but have been really busy hence the delay...I am so sorry that you had to go through so much in such a short time...God has a plan for us and sometimes He takes us through the longest possible route for us to reach our destination...we become strong when when we have to cross obstacles and road blocks..not when everything is sailing smoothly...

Think that you were meant to be with your husband and that is why things happen in such a way...

1) My first thought is that you should firmly tell your relatives that they should stop teasing your husband about his past. There are so many things that influence a relationship and you want to minimize the negative ones as much as possible in your case.

I don' t know for what reason those relatives are needling your husband...but you need to tell them that neither you nor your husband is liking it. For a similar feeling, think about how would you like it if your SIL kept teasing you about your old boyfriend (just assume here that you had one before marriage)...wouldn' t that be irritating...?

2) Think positive. When we think positive thoughts about ourself and others, it affects our behavior towards them in a positive way.

Your husband and you got married under strange circumstances. However, instead of thinking that your husband made a ' sacrifice' or that he doesn' t love you...think that you got married under romantic circumstances (remember Roja)...love blossoms under the most unexpected places and ways...

If you want your marriage to work, you need to rewire your thoughts and stop thinking that you are less than your husband in any way...rather think that you will make your husband fall in love with you...it will not happen automatically or in one day...but you need to make efforts towards it...being handsome or beautiful doesn' t make people fall in love...it is charm and personality...that make a person appear handsome or beautiful in your eyes...

Your husband is obviously attracted towards you...that' s why he did not have a problem getting married to you...and that is why he made an effort in the beginning to get intimate with you a couple of times (when you rejected him)...so start thinking of yourself as an attractive and beautiful woman...go to the parlor regularly and keep yourself groomed...get a new wardrobe...sometimes in depression we tend to neglect our appearance which tends to lower our own self esteem...I am not saying that this is what has happened...but just in case...don' t neglect this aspect...

Start planning some outings together with your husband...and on one occasion (where you feel that both of you are relaxed)...tell him that you know that the last few weeks have been difficult for both him and you..but you like him a lot and want to be happy with him...and would like to make a fresh start with him...

Ask him if he would like to go out for a few days so that he will also get a break from his hectic schedule and you both can have a vacation also...

Start showing interest in him...his hobbies..his favorite food...when he comes in the evening, run to him and give him a big smile...or a hug...try to crack jokes or make your evenings fun so that he enjoys being with you...

If he acts surprised or disinterested in the beginning, do not lose heart..just be persistent...

Repeat to yourself first thing in the morning that you are beautiful. You love your husband and he is the most wonderful thing that happened to you.

I do hope things work out for you...you and your husband both seem nice people and just waiting to fall in love :)

take care,
Ritika





Ritika replied. Hi mm,

You lucky you!! :) Your story is getting so romantic...I hope everything works out for you and both of you have a happy married life...:)

Do tell us how it went...

love and best wishes,
Ritika mm replied. thanks for all the replies. I will reply to all of you once i get the time.
Since me and my hubby couldnt celebrate V day properly, we are indeed going to watch Jodhaa Akbar this weekend. With the entire family :P I heard the story is somewhat similar, both of them falling in love after they get married. That would be something to see :)
After the show, we were trying to decide where to go to eat, and after alot of hours we decided on a place. But later in the night, my hubby told me he did rather watch the movie then come back home, and cook something nice for me and have a nice quiet dinner at home, and watch more movies.
It was so cute when he said he would cook for me. So i decided to opt out of dining in the restaurant with the rest of the family, and decided to come home instead. I didnt even know he could cook. I heard from my in laws that he rarely cooks, but he cooks well. I am looking forward to this weekend :)

Ritika replied. Dear mm,

I' m so glad that you found my reply helpful...It was indeed heart warming to read more about you and your hubby..:)

Both of you sound terribly sweet and all the little incidents that you narrated reaffirm my belief that both of you are indeed attracted and already half in love with each other :)

Both of you are taking small steps towards building a loving relationship and that' s the best way...

Now go ahead and buy your hubby a sweet romantic gift..although V day is gone...but because you didnt mention giving anything to him...why don' t you buy a card that expresses your feelings a little bit and give it to him along with something he likes...then buy a ticket to Jodha Akbar this weekend (I' m assuming its a romantic movie that you two might be interested in) and go spend some time with him alone in the theater..and beech beech mein in some war sequence for example, go ahead and catch hold of his arm (as if you are scared)...and when some love song comes, put your head on his shoulder and eat some popcorn...

See, I' m just suggesting what I would do if I were you :)

Oh and buy a new dress in his favorite color and wear on that day...

Love need not be explicitly mentioned...you can feel it in the touch and glance...

Your sweetness, love, caring and confusion towards your husband is coming through in your words...I' m sure your husband will feel it too soon enough...

All the best and keep us posted...

would love hear from you (and nopes, I didn' t find your note long or boring...instead it was romantic and riveting)..as Tony S said, it brought a tear to my eye also :)

love,
Ritika qqq replied. hey girls

it was so refreshing to read you posts today. don' t know what to write. but feeling so good and happy for you girls. you are so lucky to have such nice hubbies. love them dearly girls and make a beautiful family. it is sooooo beautiful. may God bless you with everything and make each day more beautiful than the other. post your lives sometimes like this . it is such a refereshment knowing there are happy lives around(not in the movie). enjoy your beautiful life. mm replied. Ritika, you are a heaven sent angel! your post makes so much sense. You really do understand me!
Thank you so so so so much for making such a lovely post.
Since these few days i have noticed and observed my hubby alot. And i realise now that no could have forced him to do anything, he married me of his own accord. I thought he had done a sacrifice.
I did tell me relatives to stop teasing him, apart from an occasional taunt, they dont tease him anymore.
My husband is incredibly shy, and even though his reputation speaks something else, he has changed over the years. We communicate alot with our eyes, strangely. He is shy, i am shy, and thats why none of us make the first move.
You suggestions and advice are so good, i am going to implement them immediately. Because i genuinely care for him, and i think he does so, in an unrequited way. I will relate a few incidents to you, maybe you can give me your opinion to me.
1. Once while we were sitting together in the garden, he asked me if i felt about how my first marriage was ruined because his extended family. And i said absolutely not, i didnt want to be a part of a family that would blame everything from bad cable channels to dirty utensils on me cause i was Inauspicious. When he heard that, he snorted, giggled and smiled a bit. A smile that warmed my heart. Obviously this answer was not expected by him, and that is why i guess he liked it.
2. When we sleep, sometimes he places his hand or his leg over me in his sleep, a indeliberate action we all do. But many times, when he would awaken and find his hand on me, he would immediately pull it away from me. I initially thought it was because of hate and probably disgust. But because of my narrow thinking, i missed the big, but obvious point. Once again when he did it a week ago, i said to him that why did he do it? it wasnt as if i was going to bite him. He looked surprised and a little shocked, and then said he wasnt doing it because he didnt like it, he did it because he wasnt sure if i was comfortable with his hands or legs over me while i was sleeping. That sentence touched me, i know its ridiculously trivial, but even then, i realised, he cared more than i thought he did. Even for such a small thing.
3. On valentine' s day, a proverbial love evincing day, my hubby was busy in his duties as usual. I didnt feel bad, i felt a little bereft, as my cousin and her hubby were having a great time. When my bil came to know how alone i was, he was angry at his own brother, and he called him up and forced us to join us at dinner. My hubby said he didnt mind at all, but he needed to finish early, and hoped he would, to join us later that night. We reached the club, had a lot of fun, had a great dinner. but hubby dearest didnt arrive. A couple of my friends saw me there, and teased me about my hubby not even celebrating our first valentine together. That riled me so much, i told them my hubby and me werent together tonight because drunk and careless people like them broke their bones on the way, and my hubby was busy saving lives. And i said, if that was the way each valentine went this way, i wouldnt mind, i would be satisfied that my hubby was doing his duty. After i said all this, i realised that i didnt know if i really meant those words or not, and i sat quietly. While everyone enjoyed the party, i kept looking at the door, waiting for him. But after some time i realised , i was indeed satisfied, he was doing something so important and not frviolously dancing away. I missed him then, but i realised the bigger picture. Even though he would keep me waiting in that club, i knew he wouldnt keep me waiting for anything important.
He didnt come to the club that night, and it was pretty late when we got home. As i came to my room, i saw my hubby sleeping, and i noticed a beautiful rose bud and a box next to it with a small happy valentine' s card. It had a piece of jewelry that actually interested me. And i was surprised as to how he knew i liked something like that. I think he went to enough efforts to make my cousin tell him about my likes. I was touched, but sad at the same time that he couldnt make it to the club. But when i looked at his face, he was so tired and exhausted, i realised how selfish i could have been by forcing him to come to the club while he was obviously so tired. That night, i slept without any regrets or feelings of sadness, i was just content.
In the morning my hubby apologised to me, saying he didnt want to come empty handed, and it took him some time to locate a rose bud, and he came home to change, but was so tired, he lulled to sleep. His apologies were sincere. And i told him that, only his presence was needed, and not a hand full of presents that would have been satisfying. I guess that touched him, and we didnt say anything for a long time, we just stared at each other.

And so my days go on like this, each day a new discovery, a new day and a new feeling.
And i so desperately want to wake up in his arms instead of next to him, that i would do anything to make this marriage work. His patience, and tolerance overwhelms me. Never did he pressurise me to do anything, to attend any parties, or to dress in any particular war or to behave in any way. never did he force intimacy over me. Anyone else in his place would have done alot more worse. And with every passing day i realise how lucky and happy i am to be with him.
My in laws are such a big support, and they never take sides.
I made him his favourite dessert was day, and he said he didnt know what to say. That someone had toiled so hard so to please his tastebuds, was something very wonderful he said.

I am sorry for this being such a long and boring post, but i tend to write alot.
THanks for all the suggestions Ritika. I am so glad for you to be here.
Best of luck to you too.