Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi ,
i am married with 2 kids.it has been almost 4 years to my marriage
my problem is that my sil likes my husband very much and my husband too . i have cleared all the situation and with no doubt i can say that they have a relationship more than devar-bhabhi.i don't know whether its physical or not
we all are highly qualified and my sil is extra smart like she did love marriage to husband's brother and knows very well how to keep meetings with my husband without my knowledge. my weak poiny here is that my husband is also with her.
he will never tell me if they have met or if bhabhi has called up or he called up . not the thing that i will get wory but b'coz i have put that matter before my FIL and my husband convinced him that its my doubt only . nothing else.
i tried to trace the calls .i also took the records of my SIL's mobile but i got nothing.
MTNL no. are not easy to trace out so i could not check it out as my husband and his bhabhi have separated land line connection too.
his bhabhi has physically seduced him earlier which he accepted also before my FIL.and still few days back i caught her SMS on my husband's mobile on his b'day . my husband said taht hae has nothing to do with it . he can't even beleive that she would have done so.
anyway,its now their problem.
what is my conclusion is that my husband has kept me equal to his so called bhabi. like 50-50.
he fulfills all my need and plays his responsibilities but all of this with brian not with heart . as wife i have experienced this thing yes, i don't have any evidence to proove my statement. he behaves with me never in emotio but carefully and with formal attitude. i think he is emotionally attached not to me but to that girl (SIL)and 200% obedient to her . if she askes him to meet outside than he will never do any objection and go to her to meet.
my second portion of problem is that i have been a victim between these two guys . i was totally stuck b/w confusion, yelling and beating from my husband's side and tricks from my SIL's side.
my thirdprotion of problem is emotional that i never got the attention or warmth of personal relationship that i always admired . i was totally dedicated to my kids which born just at 1 year distance . now they r 3 and 2 years respectively .
Now i am little bit free from kids side . the thing is taht now i want to start/enjoy life from a new side. i want to come out of these guys and have my own identity .
i also want someone in my life to make me feel important . not struggling for the things that i should get naturally . not crying any more , no hazzles.
i have tried al of these things to get from myhusband but was failed , very much depressed while he was very much content and was enjoying his life on his own terms. He and my sil ahs a very strong relationship which is beyond all the boundation . they both have become each others need and share a superb understanding. My so called sil has every kind of information what happens b/w me and my husband . i asked my husband ,he said he does not know how she gets to know abt all our internal moves.
i have got extra slim and have developed inferiority complex as my husband liking is like the body of my SIL as she has put up weight and has maintained her womanly beauty which she used also earlier to seduce him . i am lacking as have lost all the fat of my body . i think all of you married people are getting idea what i want to say.
advise me what should i do , should i wait for 10-20 years and should beg or fight or argue or expect from my husband for his attention towards me or should i be try to make my independent identity .
i am beautiful ,but slim in all way . this is my -ve point . i don't have heavy ...i have done my best to make my kids growing , did my best towards my husband for 4 years despite knowong all the things , tried my best to cancel all my sil trick but her strong point is taht my husband is with her secretely.while i can't say any single word abt her infront of my husband even in my own room. he starts shouting at me and comes to beat me . i get scared.i want to come out of this insecurity .
we have started to live in separete portion . she lives on first floor while we are living on ground floor . kitchen has now become separated
for 4 years i kept trust on my husband but ultimately i realise that he and my sil were making me fool and still they are . a smy SIL knows very well abt my objection but still she has continued realtion with him and before all family memebers they don't talk even my sil goes ASA my husband enters in common room . they don't even look each other before all family memebers .
now in such situation they have left no chance for me to say anything abt them before family memebers . if i say , i will be the culprit and internally she is sending SMS or they meet outside or whatever it is ,they know it better than me. i can't ask all of these things to bhabhi as she has made her siuation strong among family members b'coz of the support of my husband.
or can i dare to say her directly that leave us alone in refined language. i don't like her sending SMS to my husband but the thing is that sh ewill say that she just did it on his b'day and bla,bla,bla...
should i say her directly or i will be stuck in family .advise me or i should leave these things to them and start to live my own life .
superhit replied. Hi Nupur,

I have been reading your posts and what I make out is that your husband is good by heart. You also respect him a lot. He is probably not bold enough to spur his SIL's advances. He has also made a mistake in understanding your feelings. Your SIL is taking advantage of the situation. She has adopted the divide and rule policy. You have written somewhere in your letter that your life was good in the US and only after coming to India did the problems start. I think you should discuss your feelings about your SIL with your husband and hopefully he also gives a patient hearing to you. In case if that does not work you can rope in some common friend / family member. I am sure together you can fight the menace of your SIL and make your family life pleasureable once again.

Cheers !!!

Yours sister
Super hit
friend replied. Dear Nupur,

What am I hearing, your husband has an, “affair with his bhabhi and then he is physically torturing you.” Which world you are living in my friend? This is 21st Century!

It sounds like as if you are undergoing a lot of trauma and spending every minute of your life in hell. Don't take me wrong but your husband is not faithful to you that itself is too much. Life is not easy but living in such a hell is more difficult I think. First of all threaten him that if he doesn't stop all this you are going to put an end to your relationship with him. And eventually you will leave him! Get in touch with some lawyers and try to sort out the things. At least for your sanity and your children you have to take this strong step. What kind of father is he, and what kind of role model he is setting for his children? “That their father is having an affair with his bhabhi and beats their mother” If your kids are raised in such environment what moral values will they have when they grow up!

First of all get another house, there’s no point in living in the same house where this whole drama goes on the whole day. I hardly see anyone staying in joint families these days. Especially, when you are undergoing so much of stress. Make it clear to your husband and start preparing yourself for future. Get a job (I hope you are educated enough to get a decent job), initially even a small one will be of big help. At least your mind will be diverted. If he is sensible enough he will get your hint and straighten himself. If not then fine, you live your own way.

I know someone (another friend of mine) who has similar problem. Her husband is kind of mysterious in nature. He is not totally devoted to his wife. He is an alcoholic and she used to undergo a lot of domestic violence earlier. She first threatened him that she will leave him and to some extent he resolved some issues (but not all). But she took a bold decision and started to work and once she started earning and taking care of her children she just gives damn about her husband. She is happy and doesn't bother much about him. He hasn’t raised a finger on her since she became self dependent. She is living her life to full with her kids now, and by any chance if he tries to assault her she told him she is ready to leave him any moment.

I hope you gather enough courage and make your points clear to your husband.
Good luck friend. May god be with you! xyz replied. Hi Nupur
I am very sorry for u r situation.. I can understand I am a working women and in one of the Best professions in India...
my sincere suggestion is.. be strong and dont let u r mind to think a lot on this issue..
Its difficult but not impossible.. First u try to talk to u r husband's brother If u can
and If u can prove and make him believe u r words, If this is the case he also must be suffering from his wife aatitude
and second thing is.. believe in u r self try to get good job if u r not working.. If u r working try to concentrate on u r career and
on u r kids.. and u r very clear that u r husband is listening more to his SIL , let him..
If he is formal you also be formal with him.. If u argue on this issues regularly with u r husband
It leads to quarrel but no solution and beleve in god.. and concentrate on u r kids and career
If u dont like u r SIL , dont even look at her ignore her..
But dont loose u r confidence and If u concentrate on God... That gives Immense courage to face any kind of situations.,.
I had gr8 up and downs but I allways believed god.. I was very depressed once and wanted to kill myself
But I got courage to handle situation..
But never think of any extra affairs they finally end in sorrow and heart breaks..
think about u r kids.. If they dont have good father give them good mother..but dont compromise
on u r self respect ..

All the best
sister



cd replied. dont worry too much if you are not fat. Fat is not beautiful!! Slim is! you are not overweight!

Dress up, wear sexy sarees. feel good about yourself. Fat can never be better, health-wise, beauty wise.

Dress up in jeans and tshirts, will make you look 5 years younger! go out with your kids dressed up. Also have fun with your kids, this is not the time when you come out of kids, but you enjoy them better. they are more responsive and you will have more fun with them. join/form a playgrp..dress up young enjoy with your kids.

the husbands ususlly when they see their wives having fun cannot really handle it. see what happens next! cd replied. hi nupur

tell me where's the SIL's husband/your hubbys brother in all this? isnt he seeing all these?

try not ot see too much into these things, cause if once your mind has been poisoned by bad thoughts you shall always see negative.

If thinsg are really bad as you say, confront your husband. Aks him to be truthful. That will only help the situation. you are all adults there. Your husband cannot have a harem. Be a friend to your husband. All this while when you suspected something you should have waited a while before having children.anyways, if your husband is still not ready to taljk about it, call for a family meeting, put it out in the open. the more people know about it the more difficult for your SIL and hubby to hide it if theres anything at all.

think about it really hard. Can there be something or is your mind just making it up?

then go about your firm stand. dont wait for the problem to pickle. if its there it wont go away. you are young and more active now if some problem was to come up. you are better ready to face it now then 10 years later..

Good luck to you.