Relationships  Discussion Forum

and my bf were having a good relation.but for past 2 weeks because of some issues like our parents,marriage etc i started to get upset.the thing is our marr is in apr so we have a lot to discuss,this sometimes frustrates me.since his parents are little stubborn in certain things. but ofcourse my guy listens to my part of the story too but most ocassions ends up doing wat parents expect.tht is not a big deal.the thing is sometimes they r unreasonable.and other things like expectations between us etc had fuelled anger between us especially from my side.finally one i told him all my feelings and removed anger out. then it feels like the relationship has got its lost spark again. i could feel it dead in betwwen mainly from my end.he was normal only. he ,however would keep asking me wat happened etc. but i never told.

so i wanted to know of this feeling is normal?tht if ppl go thru such low phases.
ofcurse,after i told him everything he saw things my way...

plz give me your opinions on this whether in a relationship/marr such situations r normal....as there was a time wen i felt like calling the relationship off
Ritika replied. Hi Neha1,

TonyS and Sonu have given excellent suggestions.

Every relationship has ups and downs and believe me if you hadn' t had a fight yet, you would have been an exception! :) So rest your mind on that.

As Sonu said, the important thing is to figure out the reasons why all the fighting is taking place.

If the future FIL is demanding that certain of his customs be followed, think about it...are they reasonable? Can these customs be accommodated in the wedding ceremony? Since you guys are from the same caste and community, the cultural demands cannot be all that different.

I' m sure if you talk to your parents and ask them to accommodate some of the customs from your in-laws side, things will hopefully work out...

Ask your fiance to get a list from his father of what all traditions and customs are absolutely ' must have' and the ones that are ' like to have' .

And remember one thing - relatives from either side will mostly add fuel to the fire. They will delight in finding faults with the ' other' side..however sympathetic they appear to be. So try not to listen to them so much. Same goes for the guy too...This will happen before, during and after the marriage.

Tell your guy that you will try to be as flexible as possible but he needs to be flexible too.

From personal experience I can tell you that there are some people always on both sides that have unreasonable expectations and they try to create an issue out of it.

Don' t spoil your relationship because of other people.

Hope this helps,
Ritika


sonu replied. Hi neha1,
Actually its very common in marriages both parties get conflicts with their egos and customs.
So here ,Are u sure the entire blame is to be on ur bf' s parents only?

Ok, now that ur bf is understanding ur views , You should trust him and dont seem urself too demanding.

What type of demands from his parents made all of u irritating? Can u pl explain some of them? so that we can analyse whether they are greedy ? Or They are demanding just to be satisfied themselves acc to customs?

Once, think about urself? R u really feeling unreasonable about them Or juts because ur parents felt so? i mean , There is same chance as ur bf.... U might be getting influenced by ur parents feelings?!

So, Dont call off ur relation. Because, none can give guarantee that you' ll get REASONABLE inlaws! As persons other might seem good, but as inlaws they definitely become bad... Most marriages are of same kind... Expecting toomuch Maximum from other side(girl side) without doing their minimum duties toards girls .Its common.
But here, atleast U have a nice guy who really love and care ur feelings .Or, Its a very tough situation for girls in arranged marriages to make her husband realise how unfair it was from their part. It merely took me 5 yrs to make me realise him his mother demands are too greedy.

So, Dear Neha , Here, You have to analyse both parties carefully. No person is so Broadminded is she/he might be thinking of. So , Think so balanced and take a decision.
Hope you' ll find a way when you sit and think quitely ....Because its your life and we cant judge anything about it by just sitting here and reading ur post ...It should be how u like to be. Correct? If posible, tell us some incidents that hurt you on his part.

Dont just see him as their son...but see him as individual whom u loved most before anybody entered.
Love is between two persons but marriage is between two groups ...definitely each other find faults. You and your bf should agree upn things happen around you in marriage should be forgetted soon .And only beautiful memories should be remembered.
Never try to pin point their customs while claming ur things are best...

Ok dear, I might sound biased to him. but, That is you should think twice before judging him...ok?!

Love, sonu.
Tony S replied. Dear Neha,
do not be disheartened. i was also in your situation before marriage and it was an arranged one. i could have easily called it off, in fact my mother wanted to call it off because of unreasonable demands made by my MIL and her dominating and sick behaviour. i dod noit even know my husband then, but i guess i just went with the flow and married him and today i can happily say that my MILs attitude has changed and my husband is also proud of me for having mingled easily with his family members.
now coming to your case, this kind of a thing is going to happen. men will listen to their parents till u make a mark on their hearts and minds. imagine, their parents have brought them up , so the influence is not going to fade away so fast. but ask your self, what does your heart say ? does it say u still love your boyfriend for what he is ? other factors r beyond our control, but u can always say that we can wait for some more time before we get married. is that possible in your case ? in the meanwhile, u can get to know their side of the family better. also, lovingly u will have to make your man understand that a man is a man when he stands up for his wife, no matter what - this does not mean that we should disrespect elders etc. but in a v. polite and assertive way, u should do and act what is fair for the relationship. If they r making dowry demands like car, house, too much cash etc, and if your parents r not willing to attend to the demands, then take a call. becoz your bf' s parents r probably thinking, since the girl is madly in love, her parents will listen to whatever we ask for, so i feel they are taking complete advantage of the fact. u need to make this thing clear to your bf. if there r demands, you just cannot marry him, becoz u will not be happy and if u r not happy how will your bf be happy ? In this case, your bf has to stand up and tell his parents that no demands be made . Now u dont ask him to do this directly, he will feel u r overpossessive about him. but this message has to be conveyed to him in a very discreet and clever manner. all the best and cheer up neha.