Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi guys,

This is for everyone, advice, but I have seen you guys give a lot of advice, and even reading ur responses to other people has made me feel better.

As you know about my problem...it was under ' crazy story' , you had responded to it, well an update of sorts, but NOT anything good.

I spoke to my DH, I have been trying to make peace here and there, for over 2-3 weeks now, and just trying to get through to him. I would stop calling him for days, and he would ask me why I hadn' t called him, and I told him, because he would ALWAYS get angry. you know the problem, about the exam and how he says i dont listen to him, wanted me to quit medicine, FIL was involved, my dad was involved. etc.

So I have tried to talk to him, and we talked yesterday and things were ok, and he brought up the ' problem' . He basically is angry because he thinks I am doing what i want, with school, and not thinking about the family. Which isn' t the case at all. After we got married, I tried my best to fit in with the family, spent time with them, went places with them, but didnt study. But I thought, I had to sort of choose one or the other, and I didn' t want them thinking I didn' t like them or I wasn' t a family girl.

But it all backfired. He yelled a lot yesterday. I stayed calm the whole time. He actually said a few things though, that were very disturbing.

1. the first was he was mentioning that him and his dad of course...were angry because if i didnt listen to him about the exam, and right now i dont have my degree in my hand, that what would i do in the future when i was able to stand on my own two feet! I was shocked! I didnt understand why he would even think about that...i told him, you have no reason to be scared!

2. another thing was about the baby, and how he didnt know if he wanted me to come home or not, because his parents werent able to take me to the doctor, they didnt have the time for all the appointments or anything when i was 8 mths pregnant. i dont understand how someone can say that!

3. before he had also said, that he couldnt afford the baby. i know all of this his dad said to him and he' s saying it now.

his parents have been quiet. they dont say anything anymore, because now their son is saying it! i dont get it. i try not to let it bother me, but its so hard to concentrate. i feel like im falling out of love with him, its such a bad feeling.

he seems only concerned with what his parents say, and what his sister says. it makes me feel sooooo upset.
how do i deal with this?? keep my sanity? study? eat for my baby!! i dont even feel like eating anything:S this is so hard:S Chandra replied. hey guys....im doing good. studying

havent talked to the DH for about 3 days. I already know he wants me to call or email him, but i know whats going to happen. I dont want to get into everything again. and i feel like a weak person by calling. i tried it before, and i could tell how impowered he felt by knowing i would call him.
so now, i just dont want to.
one thing, that sort of makes me scared is, i think our distance between each other is growing a lot. i sort of dont have the same strong feelings for him. obviously husbands and wives have problems, fights, and whatever, but for me its, because of EVERYTHING that went on, its not just a normal fight.
it comes down to growing apart..and how its not gonna be like how it was between us.
still makes me angry..his father makes me very angry, he doesnt realize the bad seeds he' s planting!!

but at the end of it, i think im falling out of love with him:S i still love him, but i dont feel the ' IN LOVE' thing. like im not gonna have what we once had, and what i want outta a partner for life:S Namita replied. i m proud of u .... sorry cudnt post for u ... u are trying to manage everything, even those sick people .... i m proud u are not the girl who cry for every bad thing rather than working for it

i felt proud abt. u bcoz u said u want to concentrate on study and become something bcoz this people can come up with any non-sense ... i m sure u are right in thinking this way, bcoz u never know wht vl happen as ur DH is very irrational person and always listen to his father, so if u r having a stand in ur career i think u can even think of dominating them, belive me yes, DOMINATING them ... bcoz once u said that ur FIL wanted u to complete ur study even when u said u want break and ur DH said that what vl u do if u dnt finish ur study, he even askd u stay at ur parents place till u finish

from all this i can make out they are self centered ... they r dependent on u to finish ur medicine so tht they vl earn once u start with ur career

keep in mind henceforth be urself, more imp to urself rather than giving imp. to them Chandra replied. hey guys,

thanks a lot for ur kind words...it is getting a little easier. in fact, things had gotten better for me, then i made the mistake of calling HIM. BIG MISTAKE. at the beginning when he was being unreasonable and making me upset, i decided NOT to talk to him anymore. told the inlaws and my parents, that i wasnt gonna call him up because he made me upset, and very bothered.
it was hard at first, but after a few days, i got used to not talking to him. NOW i have NO DESIRE to talk to him. like you guys were saying, he makes me miserable, makes me feel so bad so i cant do anything!

so i decided, i will NOT contact him, at least not until i am done my exam which is a month and a half away. he MIGHT complain, say i dont care and all that, but i' ll keep in contact with my inlaws....cuz we all know how they can cause problems and point fingers at me.

but this weekend, next weekend and everyday in between, im gonna study, go to the gym here and there, and study and eat and BE HAPPY. im tired of them, of my husband, im tired and sick of them bringing me down!

thanks a lot girls...i know what i have to do, and thats be healthy for my baby and myself, and BECOME something because you never know what these people are gonna come up with in the future! Ritika replied. Hi Chandra,

Sweety has given such good pointers! I totally agree with them!!

I think you have analyzed your relationship a lot and if your husband has been saying the things he has and behaving the way he has then I would suggest that you tell yourself that you have done enough for now.

Have you joined any baby classes yet?? Do that if you haven' t yet...I think you said you are in the third trimester, haven' t you? They teach a lot of breathing exercises and relaxation techniques that might come in useful right now also...

Do you have any close girlfriends near by?? This weekend, go out for a movie and lunch/dinner with them, window shop with them if possible...chat and gossip and have a great time...you could even go for a prenatal massage in a spa..it feels wonderful...and might relax you...

The more time you spend thinking about yr relationship, the more depressed you will get..so get up and go out of your house...and do something nice.

You have your whole life ahead of you to think abt yr husband and in-laws. For the next few months, try to think of your baby...read up on baby books to understand how the baby is growing up inside you...it might bring you closer to your baby...

A simple way to concentrate is to draw a point on a wall and focus on it. You will feel yr eyes wandering, but bring them back on the point. After a few minutes, when you look away from the point, you will so much in control of your mind..try it..it works for me...it might work for you...

So decide on a concrete plan for this weekend and let us know what you plan to do to get over all the depressive thoughts.

take care,

love,
Ritika sweety replied. First and foremost, I pray that you have a healthy and happy baby. This should be such a rewarding and emotional time for your life.

What you problem is?
Nothing...your in-laws and you are not on the same page.
It seem to me that your FIL has a major ego/power struggle that is not conrolable. He comes from a generation that thinks that the women belong in the house and obey the men.
Sadly, this is what you are willing to do but with a modern twist.
Children take after there parents and this is what your husband is doing.

Ritika is 100% right when she says that your baby is #1, what YOU hear, eat, feel, read all affect the mental and physical state of your baby. Surround yourself with positive people, even if this means staying away from your husband for the time being.
Is this hard? Oh yeah, ofcourse...it will be very difficult. Find great friends and surroudn yourself with God, family and strong will. Remember that one lion' s cub is stronger than a liter of goats, so this child for you need to become a lion' s cub!!! That means strong.

Second comes your relationship issues, as you have mentioned that you spent a lot of time handling them, again make a list...are you a good DIL! From what you tell us, you are fulfilling you responsibilities to the best of your knowledge, then if your family has no cinsideration for your effort...Ask yourself? Is it worth dealing with them.
Your education...wow...how important, you are at this very moment experiencing how important an education is...remember that even after getting the degree in you hands if you decide to stay at home...fine...when you or the family falls on hard times or if you need to become independent due to any reason all you have to do is wave your degree and oppurtunities will be waiting.
Being educated doesn' t make you power hungry but it does assure that you will not loose your SELF RESPECT!!!

Dear sister everyone knows how hard life is right now and it must be crazy to actually be in your shoes but remember that you have to put the baby first, then yourself and then everyone else.
First deal with this problem and then slowly rationlise and reach a compromise with your in laws.

Best of Luck and hang in there...remember you are giving birth to a strong baby and not a weak one so become a strong mom!!!

Ritika replied. Hi Chandra,

Can you and your husband go for professional counseling? If not, then forget about him for a while.

Your first and last priority right now should be your baby.

Anything else (including your exam) comes later.

You can give your exam again. You can even maybe get together with your husband again. But you will never ever get another chance to do it right by the baby.

Your baby is totally dependent on you for her nutritional needs. Her personality will be affected by your mood swings and depression. So it is vital that you get a grip on yourself.

If your husband is behaving like a jerk right now, then stop contacting him. Send him an email saying that all his anger is causing you to get depressed and that is not good for the baby. So for the baby' s sake, you will not contact him again in the near future. If his sister was pregnant, would he like it if his BIL behaved in this way and caused his sister anxiety??

Take some timeout from all these people. From what you have said, all of them seem to be very immature people.

Try meditation, listening to music/bhajans (anything to soothe you) , talking to friends (who make you feel better), doing things that you have enjoyed doing in the past... to get over your sadness).

If you don' t eat, your little baby will be affected. Not your husband and definitely not your FIL or MIL.

Tell yourself that you are strong and that you will get over this. God gives us tough times so as to test our mettle. He gives us only so much that we can handle.

After the baby comes your exam. You need to be able to stand on your own feet and this exam will help pave the way for that.

At the very last come those people who wanted you to abort your baby and don' t want you to have an education or career because they feel threatened by (educated) women.

They are not worth it that you spoil your health as well as your baby' s health for them.

Take care and I hope you feel better soon. Give a rub on yr tummy from my side for the baby...

love,
Ritika