Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have been married for 15 yrs.I live in a joint family.I have sour relationship with my inlaws.My husband knows everything but he turns a blind eye towards all the problem.His mother that is my MIL has one aim in life to finish me mentally.Iam not working as I have no help.My husband is not too keen on maids I did try once or twice but it did not work out.Anyway,the problem is whenever we(me and my DH) are in the company of friends or my relatives especially my parents he leaves no opportunity in degrading me.HE would say --What' s wrong with you,you are good for nothing,you dont take intiative to do anything,you dont have the knowledge etc. etc...Here I would like to clarify that Iam more educated than my husband but I had to leave my job after my kids were born.When we are alone he would say You are of certain class,you are so nice,you are a generous and a helpful person etc. etc..In this whole story I remain confused why does he behave like this If I feel very insulted and I cry most of the time he turns a blind eye towards me very rarely he would say sorry.Again even in front of kids he would make fun of me but when we are alone he would show so much care for me.I dont know what to do.I now try to avoid having get togethers fearing his comments.I belong to a simple middle class family while he is from a show offer kind of family.They make a hype of everything they do,While do everything quietly.Iam feeling very low,My MIL is an expert liar ,she would cook up false stories in seconds.I wonder how can people be like that.If I tell my husband he would promptly say Oh! you know her nature very well then why feel bad.Sometimes I feel that I must not live anymore This is not the kind of life I wanted.Iam sick of everything.Do you have any suggestions for my problem,Please help..... Ritika replied. Hi Neha,

Doesn' t it seem strange to you that your husband doesn' t care jot about your tears and entreaties for 15 long years and you are scared of even saying one line to defend yourself because...god forbid...he will make a long face??

Don' t you think you are in fact enabling your husband' s behavior? Like your kid...if he does something wrong, like bully somebody, steal, lie, call elders names...don' t you think you would punish him to make him realize that his behavior is wrong? Like time out or no TV or no playtime for 3 days, no dessert etc. Something to make him realize that doing something bad will have consequences?

If a child does not want to take bitter medicine, do you accept that? Or are you strict for a while so that he drinks the med and gets better?

Second thing - about your kids being influenced...I thought you said that he makes fun of you in front of the kids also. Don' t you think that that is also influencing the kids? If it is a boy - it is teaching him that abusing your wife emotionally is perfectly ok. If it is a girl, it is teaching her that being abused is acceptable and that she should never ever stand up for herself.

Neha - the kids are having more long term negative influence seeing their father' s behavior than they would have seeing their mother defend herself. They might be upset for a while but they will get over it.

As far as understanding nature of both parents is concerned - I think you are just kidding yourself on this. How are the kids seeing their father' s understanding nature?? From what you have told us, he insults you and then doesn' t even say sorry. What part of understanding is this behavior and what is it teaching the kids??

Do you think the kids are not picking up that their mother is upset and hates the way their dad treats her in public? Remember your childhood...did you not pick up that your mother was upset even when she never said a word?

If saying all that I have said is too much for you, then say just a part of it. Skip the last part - which is about him ridiculing you. Just defend yourself by saying how much you do for him and the kids.

Choose your own words if you want- whatever you are comfortable with. But really, there is no easy way to do this. There is no magic wand that will change a person who has been emotionally abusing his wife (yes dear, ridiculing your spouse always so that she thinks of suicide as a way out is considered abuse) for 15 long years.

Yes, he will be unpleasantly surprised that his meek wife is finally standing up for herself. Yes, he will try to make you feel guilty for defending yourself. Yes, he might be upset that he can no longer bully you with ease.

But are these reasons big enough for you to stop defending yourself? You decide.

take care,
Ritika

PS: I talk a lot, don' t I :) but really I get upset when I see nice and soft hearted people like you suffering for no fault of theirs...it really bugs me...


gg replied. ritika is ably right ..believe me her advice will work for u ..if u want to....
about ur husband getting angry i think if u do what ritika says he might slap u also...since he has been ruling on u for 15 yers...but take it ..at the same tiem open ur mouth...he may get angry on u ...get voilent but trust he will stop once u confront him...atleast u can dare to this in 15 yrs of mrrg...u are behaving as if ur mrrd 2 motnhs b4..sorry to say that ......
u have 2 ways in fron t of u ...either be nice to him or be bad to him ..either tell him nicely that he hurts u (which he will never realise)..or first insult him then abpologise n expailn him nicely...

about mil..wht ritika. said .....always bring ur true color of ur mil in front of others...initially my mil harassed me more if i wud tell my dh..my fil...that she is lying..(not openly) this is what happend actually..but now she is scared of cooking up lies...because she knows i will tell every1 what happend n what she did ...poepl take advantage of u becoz u let them do that ...if u dont want to be taken for granted no one can dare to mess with u.... Ritika replied. Hi Neha,

Just some thoughts that crossed my mind after reading your post -

1) You say that you have been married 15 yrs..so I' m assuming that yr kids are grown up some what..can you start working now? If you don' t know where to start, look for some schools near by for a teaching job...since you are educated, it shouldn' t be hard to find a job for you...brush up your skills and go and look for a job...I' m sure it will help you a lot in regaining your confidence and self esteem.

2) You said that you cry often when your husband insults you in front of others. After 15 yrs, I think you should accept that tears will not move him or change him. Change your strategy.

If I were you, I would tell him firmly that don' t do it next time otherwise I' m not going to accept it anymore...mere sabr ka baandh tut gaya hai..jab main karoongi tab tumko pata chalega ki how hurtful it is...let me see how you like being insulted in front of your friends.

And then prepare yourself for next time when you call people. When he starts off saying you are good for nothing etc..smile and tell him (in front of everybody) that \" if I was good for nothing, I wouldn' t be taking care of the household and you and our family for the last 15 years. I stopped my career so that I could look after home and kids. How many can do that? And despite having an unappreciative husband (smile and look at everybody around you), I have been taking care of you for so long\" . OR roll your eyes and say \" aap phir shuru ho gaye...aise to har waqt bolte ho ki main bahut achchi hoon aur aapka aur ghar ka kitna khayal rakhti hoon..lekin sabke saamne mujhe jab dekho ridicule karte ho\" ...look at his friend with a smile and tell him ki \" bhaiyya (or whatever you call him) ab aap hi inhe samjhaiye ki apni biwi ki itni insult na kiya karen\" ...

You can also tell him (and these are answers that just come to my mind) when he talks of you not taking initiative that \" tum kuch karne do tab na..har samay to unappreciative comments karte rehte ho..kisi ka bhi confidence kam hojaye...rather than supporting me, you are always belittling me..lo ab thoda mithai kha lo and mere liye for a change thoda meetha bolo sabke saamne...warna sab sochenge ki tum mujhe bahut dukhi rakhte ho har samay\" ...

A few such zingers and he should be lessening his comments. He has never had you standing up for yourself in front of his friends..so he has gotten in this bad habit..and maybe doesn' t even realize how irritating he has become.

Keep in mind that whatever you say, say it with a smile and not as if you are about to cry.

If this is not a life you like, then change it by firmly telling him (and SUPPORTING it by your actions) that you will NOT take his ridiculing you in front of people any more.

3) About your MIL - let' s just concentrate on one thing at a time. In a nutshell, I would not get my husband involved here since he has made it clear that he will not defend you. If your MIL' s stories are not about you, then leave it. If she is telling tall tales, let her...how does it affect you...

However, if she is lying about you (and specially when it is in front of you), then speak up..in a very innocent and sweet way, \" but mummyji...aapko galatfehmi ho rahi hai..darasal baat ye hai...etc etc\"

4) Pick your battles. Decide which things in your life are really irritating or depressive for you and focus on changing that.

You can' t change everything all at once so start off with one goal at a time. It will be more achievable.

5) Get a maid - Tell your husband that you have had enough and you want to have sometime for yourself also now. I think after 15 years there would be some communication between you two..and when he is in a receptive mood. try to convince him.

I hope this helps...some of it you might not be comfortable with...but hey, if you don' t protect yourself, then who will?

Take care,
Ritika kanta replied. Looks like he has loads of what is called ' INFERIORITY COMPLEX\" !! He knows that u r good, talented. may be even fears that u r better than him !! he acknowledges in private but in public his male ego seems to communicate to all the guests that among you two, hez the best. he wants to impress the people that he is the better one where as u r not a good match to him. Solution: IGNORE !!! ignore him thats it !. why cry n think abt not living anymore !!! u cant change his family or his basic nature...now if u wanna hang on in this marriage of 15 yrs then do so n gain some mental peace. Just coz he says that u r good for nothing doesnot makes you a dumb person !! actually he is dumb n foolish by acting like this. I know it must be very bad to get such kind of insults from hubby but either u start giving it back to him n stand up for urself (its never too late !! )or u may plainly ignore his comments, not think too much abt it n carry on with ur life... gg replied. mayb ia m worng but after reading ur msg i feel like u gv too m cuh importance to ur husband...
ofcourse for females like us the most imp thing of our life is our husband then comes our kids...but i think b4 that we should always keep our self respect ...dont gv so much of imp to ur husband...dont depedn on his compliments or criticism...so hwat if ur at home...u hv sacrifised ur career for ur kids...
and about ur husbands comments then this is standrad dialogue of all the mommas boys...when my husband complained my mom told mee this baout u ..i repleied him his same dialogue u know ur moms nature na...then y are u feeling bad...now he doenst tell me anythign....
one thing i wanted to tell u ..if u stry in a joint family y did u leave the job? u should hv taken advantage of it ...n its very imp to be independent for a woman speically after mrrg...no matter how much maoney u hva i wud advice my daughter to work till she can..better than sitting at home...with her metally ill mil' s....

best thing baout ur husband...if he turns a blind eye towards u..u turn a deaf ear towards him n beocme his better half made for each otehr...speak his lnaguage ...after so many years of mrrg ...he is having this kind of attitude towards u ..then he deserves worst....u become hsi worst...ignore him royally ..if he doesnt gv u imp...u gv imp to urself ....if u love urself others will also do so...
pls dont ask anything abou t mil..no comments them ...less said the better Shelly replied. U shud strictly tell ur husband that if incase this continues to happen in future whether from his side or ur in - laws side , u will not tolerate this and wud leave the house along with the children. Try to give him this as a warning.Let' s hope for the best for you. amba replied. Hi,
It is really sad there r more girls like us. But don' t ever think of not living anymore. This is your life and u live for u and ur loving kids. Be confident in everything u do n with a happy go attitude. This way u will soon notice people around u respect u dear. All the very best .
amba