Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi guys...long story, but its so bizarre..or maybe not..but seriously, its crazy!

so i got married like 7 mths ago. i talked to my fiancee, met thru parents, for 6 mths before we actually got married, talked all the time, on the phone, met up a few times between. so we got married, it was an amazing wedding.
went to the inlaws place, he worked three hours away, so me and him found a place close to his work. on weekends, we drove back to my inlaws and go back for monday workday. my FIL is quite ill, he has cancer, but is doing A LOT better. its pretty much stopped now.
so i knew before we got married FIL was sick. I was never one to want to live on my own, i wanted to live with and take care of my inlaws.
before we got married, my DH would tell me so many things, like how we were gonna do little trips here and there, before i went away back to school. None of that happened. ok, understandable, we had to go home every weekend.
seemed like me and DH started to get into fights. i started resenting him, but i dont know why. it just didnt seem like the happy marriage we were going to have.
FIL got involved, he called my dad, saying me and DH were not getting along. my dad got on the next plane to fix the situation. EVERYTHING me and my husband talked about, in private, whatever it was, good or bad, DH told his father. (i was quite upset about that)
so my dad came, and FIL started saying that i should go back with him and think about what i did!!! needless to say i was SHOCKED. now i should mention, i got pregnant very quickly after the wedding. during this ordeal i was 3 mths pregnant. my dad had to basically BEG my FIL to let me stay with them, the inlaws house. my DH had NOTHING to say. seemed to me then, that the FIL would tell him things, and he would listen, and obey. alright, so we got over that hump. i was very very angry at the whole thing, but what could me and my dad do! being the girl' s family, what say did we have! i mean, my FIL was talking about abortion AND divorce!!

so things were a bit better after that. i didn' t trust my husband as much, but it was coming back. now, i went away to school, to prepare for an exam and start my studying again. I had been pushing my exam back because of course, family stuff. its a medical exam, people take mths and mths to prepare and study for it and basically forget about the rest of their life. Now, being newly married, dad being sick, trying to live up to their expectations, i didn' t get enough time to study, so i left for school, started, and pushed my exam back two mths to prepare. THIS was a HUGE problem for my FIL. he got very angry, saying i wasnt smart enough, i wasn' t going to become anything, etc etc. he also said to me that i was NOT to come back home until i was done my degree AND the baby could be born here with me and come back with me when im done. THIS IS HIS GRANDSON!!! i was shocked again! i didn' t know why he was sooooo angry. of course, he said things to my DH and of COURSE the husband started saying the SAME THINGS. i was like...aren' t you at all concerned about your unborn child! again, they got my parents involved, but this time, my dad was mad. he said, this is a stupid reason to be angry about. my DH said, to take my exam NOW and everything would be fine.....or take it when i want and not come home for two years!!! My dad was angry, he didn' t take this sitting down like last time. He said, if these people are going to act this way, then who cares! everytime..for some reason, FIL gets DH mad at me! and NOW, the inlaws are all better, and the DH is still mad. I tried talking, calling, emailing him, but i used to get rude comments, so i stopped. and now he wants me to continue!! i told everyone, my parents, inlaws, him, that i wasnt gonna take anymore hostility from him.
I don' t have any trust in my husband anymore. I don' t know why my FIL is out to get me. I have never disrespected him, I' m always there for everyone. but if something he doesnt like happens, the first thing he thinks..divorce..separation...and my husband follows along like a little puppy!! thank goodness my parents were supporting me though. they knew how ridiculous it was for these people to force me to take a test i wasnt ready for!

how do i trust my husband again. he acts like i did everything wrong by not listening to his advice, and doesnt even think about what he was saying to me!!! its so upsetting. im getting over it, but now im scared im going to live a life without loving my husband. because as of right now, i dont! and trusting him again...i dont think i can. so many threats, about divorce and making me leave or not letting me come back. i wish they would just get it over with!!
Namita replied. it is diffuclt to give u any harsh suggetion or to suggest you to speak harshly or give a ultimatum to ur hubby as u r carrying and on the other hand ur hubby is not co0operative ....

u spk clearly with him, wht is his prob? why does he behave in irrational way? tell him that u are so much uncertain when u feel like speaking to him .. u have no idea wheher ur talks vl bring a smile on ur face or again some disagreement and fights, tell him how tired u r of all this ... show him that u want to stay happy with him, and njoy ur preg. with him and his care

first know the reason y he is behaving so Ritika replied. Dear Chandra,

First of all Congrats on your pregnancy!! It should be a joyful time for you and I' m sorry that you are having such a harrowing time instead.

After reading your story, I felt as if there was a ton of stuff that was going on. And too many people getting involved in your marriage - like your in-laws and your parents.

You mentioned that even before your FIL started his drama, you guys were having problems. From personal experience, I can tell you that in the beginning of marriage (when the relationship is tender and just building), having too many fights is not good. This is the first interaction you are having with each other and if 90% of the time you are fighting, the whole image in the spouse' s mind gets spoiled. Your good traits will be overshadowed in yr husband' s mind by the memories of all the fights you have had. And vice versa.

You also mention that you have a very important exam coming up that will influence your entire future...If I were you, I would concentrate on that first..along with the baby like taking care of yr health, eating right etc.

You could write an email to your hubby and tell him that you love him and you are very upset that things are so bad between the two of you. Tell him that you wish during this time of pregnancy, you two were together and enjoying this phase of life. etc etc.

Tell him that you felt the baby move or whatever the latest phase is like...send him u/s pix if you want...make him feel involved in the pregnancy.

After this email if he still responds badly to you, then as dddd suggested stop communication for a while.

Concentrate on yr baby and exam and do both well.

Chandra - trust might take a while to build...after so much of fighting..add to that all the harmonal changes...not the best recipe for a happy start to a marriage.

Don' t rock the boat too much by accusations and counter accusations. Your husband has lived with his parents for so many years..it is hard to not listen to your parents once you are in the habit...give him some time...

Also, in any marriage, don' t discuss your in-laws too much (that includes yours and his parents). It leads to needless fighting and he said/ she said type of situations.

Lastly, if there is something that you can do from your end to mend things, then go ahead and do it. Like if your husband feels deeply hurt about something, I think there is no harm in apologizing. Just say \" achcha baba sorry, I did not mean to hurt you\" .

You said that the in-laws are ok now...so its just the husband...be a little soft to him...and he should come around...

And if nothing works, then go for professional counseling...

Hope this helps... dddd replied. Chandra,In the whole of the post one thing is very visible. Your FIL doesnt want son to be married and is trying by all means to break the marriage. I will say you are newly married stand up for yourself. There is no b/n in marriage you have to be very bold or very meek to in laws. Most of the times very bold. In laws will make us more meek if we bend a little to keep peace.
The exam is the most stupid thing to threaten divorce with. FIL seems to be very very insecure. Take the exam when you want and well prepared. If i am correct you are still pregnant. Enjoy your first pregnancy. You know my in laws and husband try to bring me down as much as they can. My in laws dont stay with us but its compensated by my husband' s bringing down. I dont let that effect me a bit. ONce i was a nervous wreck as you are now. My health got upset I got anger pangs and became meek due to put downs. But i now see a pattern and am glad i am out of all upsets and dont let my in laws or husband bring me down in any way. Please be bold or develop thick skin. Once they see you are not getting effected they will back off.See your fil talking like this a deliberate attempt to make your performance mediocre. Dont pay heed to it.And coming to your husband its really disturbing that what you say reaches your in laws.You shud tactfully make him not do it. 3-4 occasions you can tell your in laws oh you must be knowing from your son about what i said regarding this.It might work or not work. Then slowly your husband will stop it.
As far as your fil saying you and your husband not getting along ,its very shameful of elders to talk like that. I have seen same instance in my relatives. Now i will say if you are nearing your delivery time you can think of going to your parents to have the baby. You husband will miss you and realize your value.Be firm and develop some cold heart and not call or do anything as you mentioned like e-mailing calling or talking for some time. dont listen to your husband telling u to continue. If for 1 -2 months he misses it he will know what it means to him. Its always the motto in marriage
Distance makes hearts grow fonder.
Try it. best of luck. Post back. I may not be very helpful but i did make an effort.