Relationships  Discussion Forum

life is not easy like a questionaire



Hi

This is the reply to the discussion started by indian lady.If life is very simple like
answering abc then all of us will be very happy.. isnt it .. we have got the formula.

In my opinion what we share with parents can not be shared with inlaws..that relation itself starts with
lot lot lot lot... of respect for husband and IL' s... then where closeness comes from.
we have brought up in one family for 22 years . When we go to inlaws house obiously it takes sometime to get adjusted
with them. understanding their traditions.. etc etc..so they should give some time..
first day itself if blame game starts.



my situation is same.. I went to my IL' s house , my MIL started.. I didnt like the sarees
given by you in marriage.we have done marriage for my daughter in grand way..
etc etc.. here story started.. even today after having two children I still has to bear
listening.. all so meaningless and so silly.. are we going to take all these sarees etc.. with us..
when we die,But still we talk about all silly things in life.. which comes with time and goes with time.
My mother expired when I am months baby..
my dad is not married but he sacrifised a lot of his happiness because of us.

she insults my family like anything.. infront of me...I am so shameless still I stay with
them. she calls her relatives over the phone and she says all bad things about me and my family.. sometimes directly and
sometimes indirectly.. she uses very bad words to me and them.. which we never listen in my family ..
anyway I am so useless in my inlaws house but not able to do anything for dad also..

so I am more and more depressed.. recently I started counciling and meditation.. .. I am maximum trying to balance my life..
may be I can live with them.. and do my resposibilities as a DIL , not expecting anything from them.

but some where in the corner of my heart still that wound is there.. which does not have any cure..




can u imagine I am quite well educated and employed in good position.. If life is a question paper I would have
scored maximum.. -)



I am thinking about the ladies (especially house wifes)..how they are handling such things in life

so Indian lady.. may be in your case its true.. by seeing your life .. you can not conclude and type one questin paper.
but look at the other side of the coin.. ,..


so life is not so easy like a question paper.. lot of adjustments..lot of sorrows..lot of heart burns..
in this board itself each one of us must be having unique experience.

what do you say folks.. relations can not be made one way.. it should be both sides effort...I appreciate healthy and decent
replies .. thanks in advance.. tanu replied. Hi

I am sorry I was not accesing this site for some time.. so i am extreamly sorry for late response.

Thanks everybody.. for the interest shown in the article and giving replies.. My feelings after reading to all
responses.. I can not leave the house as I have a child ,Another reason is I love my hubby so much...
that is purely my weakness .

I know.. My husband is also equally scared of his mother as me , If he tells any thing may be very simple things also
she cries.. nobody can see their mother crying.. that is his weakness..

Now I am very balanced in my house and try to manage and adjusting a lot..

but now my worry is where is the space for my dad..he has done so much to me..
what I am returning to him..at very old age..I feel very guilty..
I am getting detached from my own people.. my husband is very scared to
talk about my family or any topic realted to me.. he doesnt want me to speak in my
house.. I know he has never shown any feeling to my people..


Now my question to indian lady.. what shall i do.. can I accept the fact that
India is not changed when it comes to woman.. and neglect my dad get along with
the life.. I am in great dilemma.. and guilty..
Indian_lady replied. Hi tanu,

Nice to see your message... I am sorry to hear that you lost your MOM in such early stage.
I agree that life is not very simple to decide by a questionarie.
You are taking it in wrong way.
what i meant to say is, try to understand them. No one can replace parents position. But you can make them the way you want just by your acts.

99% of males are mama' s boy only. The same is true that 99% females are mama' s little girl only. When someone talk bad about your parents, you are getting angry. The same thing is happening with male. Since they are in dominating side we are in trouble.

When your IL talk bad about you or your family, i am not asking you to be silent.
Answer me for this question: When someone tell something bad about you to your parents and when they ask you about that, how do you react? Do you proove them that you didnt do anything wrong? or just sitting and create a cold-war with your parents? I do proove myself that i am not wrong. Why dont you do the samething to ILs?
For most of the things you need your husband' s co-operation.
You may think how to get husband support if he is mama' s boy. You need to get his 100% confidence on you. Never talk bad about your ILs to your hubby on the first day. Because most of the time fault will be in both sides. When you complaint on your IL, he will try to find a fault on you. Then its very difficult to get his support for anything.
First admit your mistake and ask for help. you will succeed.
Just by accepting my mistake, i' m not giving up anything but i am getting good image with my hubby and get support from hubby to talk to my IL to make them understand the real situation.
When both parties are ready to accept their mitakes, there is no way for any problem.

Let me talk about marriage: Marriage is a big function, where all problem starts.
when marriage is getting fixed, there will be a big talk for a dowry. What all everyone needs to do, like dress, marriage hall, reception, dinner, etc. When something goes wrong at any point, it will be treated as a big problem and talked for long time even after 10yrs. The reason is, no one is ready to accept their mistake if happend. One thing i realised in marriage is, there will be lot of communication gap and NOTHING will be made clear at both end and finally result in all great confusion and unhappyness.
When ILs say something about marriage, you can make them clear that, this is what our capacity and we agreed to do only these things. You can tell this also...You are rich, you are doing so much to ur daughter. my dad is not rich, we can do only this much.
All these thigns needs to be convayed in right manner, even if she is not treating you properly.

Finally, I am also asking you all to look at the other side of the coin.
do you thing that, a life without problem is possible? I do face problem, but i have solution for the problem. I am looking at the solution side of the coin not prestiege /EGO side of the coin.

I beleive in the following \" sayings\" .
\" YOUR LIFE IS IN YOUR HAND\" ,
\" YOU CAN MAKE YOUR LIFE HAPPY\"

Sometime unwanted or unexpected things will happen in life. But not always.
I am trying hard to make my life happy to live joyable life. I am living and wish everyone can do the same.

Sorry if my words hurt anyone.

Indian Lady Zoya replied. I cried when I read ur post! I can' t believe that human beings are so mean to one another and especially MIL. I don' t understand why the men we married don' t stand up for. I mean if someone says bad things about the family of the woman u married and abuses her don' t they need to protect us and say something. Not as husbands but at least as human beings.

and on the other hand we to puja paath and all these traditions when the whole meaning of life on earth is to care, respect and love one another. yet we don' t even love the very people in our homes and lives. I tell you...what the world is coming too.

I really feel for you sister and I pray that god gives u peace and abundance of love in your life. Namita replied. u r right relations cannot be made from one side .... infact, i had written, IL' s should first adjust to DIL as she is new to their house ....

y do u listen to ur MIL so much, when u are earning n well educated .. y did u let her speak bad things abt. ur family ... u shud have stopped this at the first time when she used bad words abt. ur family or said something bad abt saree

once we take things from them then it bcomes habbit for them