Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have a no. of problems in my life
1. Finance-my hubby takes care of all the household expenses whereas his two brothers do not do much. I'm burdened with the major expenses that come as a surprise to me always. Also I'm the one who does the savings for my baby's future whereas my hubby spends for the house till the last rupee.
2. WE had a cook till last month whom i used to pay. But never is anything cooked as per my wish. I'm only asked about what to cook and any dish i mention is disliked by someone or the other.
3. Each one in the family and also the relaitves keep on interefering with the way i take care of my baby.On weekends there are always ppl visitng us for no reason and i get tired of them.
4. In 3 yrs of my marriage i have never seen a single program on TV for even a stretch of 1/2 hr. There is always someone to grab the remote.
5. I have to report in detail to my hubby or even to my MIL about where i want to go and why in all detail.EVen to visit my granny i have to plan in advance and keep them informed.
6. My parents stay in a differnt city. If i call them up i have to speak in front of everyone. firstly i have to justify to my hubby as to why i want to make the call.
7. My hubby often shouts / condemns on what i say. He loses his temper quickly and has also called me uncultured, immature and so on in front of his parents but has become alright the very next moment.

I'm well educated and doing very well on the career front and am supporting my hubby very strongly on the financial front. The problem is I cry and give away quickly. I've become over sensitive and emotional.I lose control on myself when someone shouts at me and i feel like fainiting. Now since i'm tied up between home and work i lose my patience quickly. I was a best friend , an idol to many and an allrounder before marriage, never have i wept when i was in my mommy's place.My paretns were my best pals. I shre a deep bond with my sister who is quite young to me. Now i feel everything has changed. Now my hubby remarks in such a way that i 'm bound to think whether i'm so bad.To him i'm always selfish , self centred lonely individual who cannot think about anyone.

SOmebody pls help me out..before i drown myself inthis situation and it starts affecting my 8 month old. saheli replied. Hey unhappy,
U must be crazy to cry to the point of fainting for such useless people.Why are you expecting them to give u everything easily. You have to stand up and fight for ur rights. You are a career woman and you are still letting this crappy things affect you. Nobody can make u cry unless u let them. If you don't want to answer ur husband or his mom back then keep quiet and do what you got to do. Believe in your heart that there is no way that I am going to let them do this to me and then do something about it. Call your parents openly whenever you feel like. They will not like it once and maybe twice but after that they will get used to it. You got to make them get used to your likings. On the weekends just step out of the house and say that your friend from work has called you over as she has a child same age as yours and so you want ur baby to play there. Then you can go anywhere you want to. Eat your lunch out and come back at a time when everybody is done with their meals.
And if you are scared to let people know of ur plans to visit your granny or anybody else then talk to your baby or on the phone with someone as how you feel like seeing ur granny today.
And then just tell ur husband that you are stepping out. You don't have to announce it to the whole family.
And next time if ur husband calls you uncultured or immature don't loose temper. Tell him calmly that if u r uncultured then what does that make him coz he married you.
Most important thing is not loose your temper and never ever CRY! If you can't respond then just ignore them and not respond to them at all. That makes them very angry. Make it a motto of your life to give them a hard time.
Take care of yourself. Go visit a beauty parlour or a spa. Spend on ur self and make yourself feel good. Don't give explanantions to anybody about anything. Just say that you felt like doing it or you are going to visit your granny coz you want to. Nobody can challenge this reason that you feel like it...
Take care and there are so many like you who are going through the same torture.... I live with my in-laws here in the US. Life was a living hell but then I decided to improve it on my own without relying on my husband to do it for me. I don't take any crap anymore. Its your life and only you can help yourself. We can only give you advices.
I just keep myself busy with my kids and that's it. Rest I give a damn....
Take Care of yourself and please don't faint again while crying. You are deteriorating your own help...
Saheli niyathi replied. hey regarding sitting on net during night times, i dont think anything can be done, cos my hubby even if we are 7 months married couple, most of the times, either he will be reading or on the net when i go to sleep, or if he comes to sleep along with me then, it tells me that he is very sleepy and will doze off within seconds, neither am i able to change him, when i go near him he says he is not in mood, but when he wants companionship he comes to me at his own time, even i have a problem in this area dear, he comes to me whenever he needs me, but not when i need him, and i have got used to it, i dont know, prob again replied. I felt really better after reading ur advice. The situation has again got repeated and this time to the worse where i was upset all day bcoz of my MIL's instructions and hubby hovering me on a weekend to do this work and that..didn't speak out proeprly with him..and he told me that he is ready to cut off the relationship and i replied back saying he has spoilt my life. The end being me crying and crying till i lost control on myself and was about to faint...but then we talked and compromised on the issue.

I cannot visit my parents often as they stay in a different city.

ALso i somehow feel my MIl njoys the arguments between us and never even bothers to make my hubby understand that he is wrong. She realises it but she tells me he is like that only.

I do not want my parents to interfere bcoz they will get worried over this.

EVen though i am a career woman of this age i have to hear from him that I'm uncultured and immature and that I nehave like a school girl.I cannot take it any morw. Its been difficult to forget the past and go over. With a small issue these things keep recurring in my mind and I brood over it.

Hep me niyathi replied. my first advice to u is never ever cry in front of ur hubby, mind it never ever, if u do that he always take it for granted, i m married for past 7 months, in the past 7 months early 2 months i would cry when i was alone, later once i cried in front of my hubby and then i realised what a fool i was, when we cry when some arguement comes up, always the points on which we have to argue will never come out of our mouth, and we will be the loosers, be strong, never ever cry dear, and regarding TV, i would suggest u to get a TV in ur room, since u earn u can afford for a TV in ur room, 24\"; or any size, dont care of other words when u buy a TV, dont even bother about ur hubby's words, and one more thing dont expect too much from others, never ever expect anything from others, the moment u expect from others it leads to dissappointment, u might thing ladies who stay away from in-laws are very happy, but thats not true since i stay away from my in-laws and they doubt about me to the core, they dont believe me even 1% , and always taunt me over phone whenever i call them, i dont take all that seriously, and when ur hubby tells u that u r selfish ask him to shut his mouth, and think of how much he has saved for his future and our and as well as ur kids. u have be strong dear, and one good thing is that u work and u have another world outside ur home thats really very good, make lot of friends, it will be very good to have some one to laugh , never every cry dear, plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
and aruge with ur hubby tell u make ur point clear to him, keep visiting ur parents often, and by the way ur sis as well, i guess she misses u a lot and even ur parents

good luck
take care, be happy USA replied. You sound very unhappy. If you are financially doing well and have a great a career, why the heck are you still with him? I understand you have a child together, but that does not matter when the conditions are affecting your sooo negatively than your child's welfare is in danger also. He is not saving for your child's future while you are, I would just leave the guy and go make it on my own.

You sound like a great person. There is still a life out there for you. Don't lose yourself over this. I don't think its worth it. You sound so miserable. Get out while you can, especially when you can support yourself financially. Some women have no where to turn finacially and no established career as you do and are stuck dry and dependant on marriage for every morself of food they put in their mouth.

Losing him doesn't matter, it is you who will be found.

It is up to you.
cd replied. hey hey...
i know what you are saying.
its such a difference between ur own house and in-laws.
at home you have loving relation with all, your opinion counts, you hvae control over the TV, there is hardly any mental tension and overnight the situation changes!
from being totally independant you go to asking permission for everything!
i tell you the instituition of marraige will change in the next generation. It has bound to. Can you imagine our generation mommies letting their daughters live the same life?

think about it like this, you are just a process for a better tomorrow.

you are here to serve a purpose to create a strong daughter/an understanding son..

husbands can be such a let-down when it comes to support.you hear all the stories about a hen-pecked husband..well mine hardly listens to me anymore!!

maintaining a diary always helps me. Sometimes i look back at my notes and conclude where i over reacted, which battle was not worth fighting for..

Always, Pick battles strong enough to win and worth enough to fight for! small things let go..

start a new day tomorrow. understand your basic rights-
to talk to you family whenever need be! If your husband questions you, you can coolly tell him, ok lets shift to my parents house, i'll let you call your parents whenever!
to utilise your savings however you wish.
BUY another TV!! small problem, just come out of the self pity and think as if it you were facing a proble at work..
if too many relatives, YOU go away..you arent here to win a popularity contest. If you try pleasing all, you will be unhappy.

good your parents stay in a diff city, take long breaks to go to them like 15 days or so...helps.

set limits with your husband. cooly. what abuse you will tolerate and what is unacceptable.

as i write this i find solutions to many of my problesm too! I guess it often helps when you look at the situation from a 3rd persons point of view.

hope i am being helpful
cd