Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Ladies,

I have read an article in a magazine and trying to share with you all as a questionnaire.

Following are the questions to all ladies who have complaints with their MIL.

Set 1:

1. How do you treat your Mom & Dad after your marriage?

a) as a stranger
b) as a Mom & Dad
c) as a known people

2) how often you contact your parents (via phone/chat/visit)?

a) daily
b) weekly
c) once in two weeks
d) not very often

3) How do you feel if your mom/dad scold you for something which you are doing?

a) they hate you
b) they dont like you just because you will leave them after marriage.
c) they love you
d) others

4) How do you feel when you mom/dad suggest someting to your hubby?

a) they hate your hubby' s hebaviour
b) they respect your hubby and as a senior they are giving suggssition
c) they love you
d) others

5) Do you ask sorry to your mom/dad when you did something wrong

a) yes, i ask directly
b) Yes, i ask indirectly
c) No. I dont ask
d) why do i need to ask. I do whatever i want.

6) what is your thougt about marriage

a) getting someone as a life partner
b) become someone else' s life partner
c) a bond which connects two people.
d) (c) and also creates new relationsips.
e) others

Set 2:
Now answer the following questions too before look at the answer.

1. How do you treat your MIL & FIL?

a) as a stranger
b) as a Mom & Dad
c) as a known people


2) how often you contact your In laws in case if you are not living in joint family (via phone/chat/visit)?

a) daily
b) weekly
c) once in two weeks
d) not very often

3) How do you feel if your MIL/FIL scold you for something which you are doing?

a) they hate you
b) they dont like you just because you married his/her son.
c) they love you
d) others

4) How do you feel when you MIL suggest someting to you?

a) they hate your hebaviour
b) they respect you and as a senior they are giving suggssition
c) they love your hubby
d) others

5) Do you ask sorry to your MIL when you did something wrong?

a) yes, i ask directly
b) Yes, i ask indirectly
c) No. I dont ask
d) why do i need to ask. I do whatever i want.

6) How a MIL should be

a) treat you as a enemy
b) treat you as a known person
c) No need to support you for any reason
d) treat you like her own daughter

The perfect answer should be the following

1. b
2. a or b
3. c
4. b or c
5. a or b
6. d

The above is the answer for both sets.

If you have conflict in your answer, you have something wrong in you.

If all your answers match for both sets, you are perfect.

Note: I am not here to offend anyone.

Have a happy married life.

Indian_lady deepti replied. dear indian_lady

Answer as a mother:
1. What do you do when ur daughter falls ill ?

a) ignore her problems as minor
b) take very good care of her
c) just tell her that she is making a small illness very big

2. Do u share ur secrets with ur daughter?

a) Yes, I trust her
b) No, I don' t trust her

3. If u find ur daughter has some medical/other problem u
a) console her and get her treated
b) spread untrue aggravated facts about her problems to ur relatives and neighbour and blame her.

4. what if ur son in law and ur daughter have a heated argument?
a) find a reason for their fight and try to sort out matters.
b) unnecessarily provoke ur son in law against ur daughter by pointing out her mistakes.

5)when someone criticises ur daughter
a) u defend her
b) u join the person in the criticism n make hill of a mole
Answer as a mother in law?
What do you do when ur daughter in law falls ill ?

a) ignore her problems as minor
b) take very good care of her
c) just tell her that she is making a small illness very big

2. Do u share ur secrets with ur daughter in law ?

a) Yes, I trust her
b) No, I don' t trust her

3. If u find ur daughter in law has some medical/other problem u
a) console her and get her treated
b) spread untrue aggravated facts about her problems to ur relatives and neighbourand blame her.


4. what if ur son and ur daughter in law have a heated argument?
a) find a reason for their fight and try to sort out matters.
b) unnecessarily provoke ur son against ur daughter in law by pointing out her mistakes.
5)when someone criticises ur daughter in law
a) u defend her
b) u join the person in the criticism and make hill of a mole.

plz all u ladies out there think and answer
regards to all

Namita replied. i m sure this indian lady is not a DIL

anyways

Indian Lady,

mind ur last sentence, it creates some doubt abt. u

every DIL tries to adjust with IL' s when she gets married. Its always DIL adjsuting more than IL' s (ofcourse there are exceptions)

abt. movie - the same goes with us abt having food outside. during festivles and during everyones bday including my husbands and our anniversary with take the whole family for dinner but ONLY this year i prefered to spend whole day only with my DH on my bday .... this disturbed my MIL

do u have any ans. for this? i m sure u vl be having, waiting for ur solution Another Girl replied. Hi Indian Girl,

Just two questions:

Answer as a daughter:
1. What do you do when u fight with ur mother?

a) Try explaining her ur point of view and at times shout at her
b) Just agree to whatever she says
c) Just ignore her, and do ur own way

2. Do u share ur secrets with ur mother?

a) Yes, I trust her
b) No, I don' t trust her

Answer as a daughter in law?
1. What do you do when u fight with ur mother in law?

a) Try explaining her ur point of view and at times shout at her
b) Just agree to whatever she says
c) Just ignore her, and do ur own way

2. Do u share ur secrets with ur mother in law?

a) Yes, I trust her
b) No, I don' t trust her

Answers to both the above mentioned questions would be different for every individual female.

My answers as a daughter:
1. a
2. a

I wont like to answer as a daughter in law because my answers vary depending on the situation.

For Indian lady, Incase ur answers to the above questions are same as a daughter and daughter in law, then aap DHANYA HO.......... Indian_lady replied. The best example is going for a Movie. I like to go for a movie with my hubby only. But MIL also wants to come for a movie (not all movies). My taste and her taste is different but sometime she want to watch some good movies. So what we decided is, during festival times, everyone will go together. All other time, i go with my hubby and my kid. Sometimes if i want to go only with my hubby, my MIL is very understanding to take care of my kid.
I realised onething here. YOU ALL are thinking only about you. That is where you have problem lies.
You people are telling that parents doesn' t expect love from kids to love them. I will tell you onething. They are expecting LOVE from their KIDS. but if they dont get it they are compromising it. But ILs are not compromising but ILs will adjust.
Dont be selfish. That is the only way to solve the issue. Try to find a solution for a problem and not a good will for you.
ALso I dont beleive in marriage counsrs. I know one person who is not success in his marriage and doing counsling for other people. What a funny thing...
Also i know giving advice is easy but to implement is a big challenge.

Again I am not here to tell that IL' s are perfect but there are lot of wifes who are also not perfect.
Indian_lady Suffering daughterinlaws replied. I think you are a typical punjabi motherinlaw. There is on assessment like this.Ask people who suffer in the clutches of horrifing inlaws then you will come to know to make such a questinarre. Namita replied. Indian Lady

I had my queries bcoz of the same sentence u posted, which Ritika pointed out ... im also concerned abt. wht ritika wrote in her 2nd para

pls. share how did u adjust (not compromised) may be we can get some light on our situations (nothing bad to help others rather than pointing out who is wrong)

I think all the ladies here are matured enough to know the difference bet. adjustment and compromise otherwise non of us would have come up with issue to take solutions from others.... people put their problems to get the solution, which may be we are not able to find out from our way of thinking .. we come her looking for solution which itself turns into adjustment with IL' s .... so we know very well the difference

Y is this condition, \" if you love them they vl love back\" ... in ur original post you have compared whther we are same with our parents then does our parents have this feeling \" if we love them only n only they vl love us\" ?

Can u do this with ur own child?

as you said \" When you think that IL´ s should respect your expectation, you should give respect to their expectations...\" i have not mentioned anywhere that we expect anything .... we dnt expect good comments from them n at the same time we dnt even want to listen to their bad talks


Ritika replied. Hi Indian_Lady,

No offence..but first off, I have my doubts whether you are an Indian lady or not. I have a strong hunch that you are a married Indian man..

Its just the way you wrote - \" If you have conflict in your answer, you have something wrong in you. \" A woman who has suffered from in-laws and then then found ways to deal with it by changing her approach (as you mentioned in your 2nd post), will show a little empathy and less callousness than you have done.
They would also give tips on how to resolve such in-laws issues.

Can you give us a few specific examples on what problems you faced and how you managed to get the love of your in-laws by changing your approach? I' m sure it will more than helpful to all of us women out there.

I too wish that you have a happy married life..

Ritika Namita replied. i know few ladies personally who are happy with their IL' s ... evn they had prob. earlier but then they found the ans. and now are happy ... good ... i m also happy for u

but all this happiness on wht cost?
i dnt know abt. u but i have seen this in almost every relation which have got better or best:
1) MIL dnt like u to visit ur parents, then this happy ladies stop visiting their parents

2) MIL dnt like spending money on parents then they stop giving gifts or even inviting their own parents to their place for special functions (it can b for 1st few years) somtimes the functions are like naming ceremony of child .. is it worth?

3) MIL/SIL wants the same stuff wht u buy, so either u have to sacrifice ur wish as u cnt afford two of it, or buy 1 pairs everytime ... where is ur personal life, u own choice, doing or wearing something special?

share all ur stuff - cloths/jwellery etc. etc. everything with them to make them happy

4) If ur mother presents u something or whn u r at her place she or ur realtives presents u something. u are worried after going home MIL/SIL will say they didnt get anything or liked this one so ask ur parents to get 2 or 3 instead of 1 (*everytime)

5) MIL wants u to cook/clean/listen to husband even if he is wrong etc. etc. bcoz she have faced such thing in her married life. and u do so in terms of respect and behave like slave or servant

6) MIL will keep on pinpointing on things which u have done. Degrading u or comparing u with other ladies and u listen quietly, making urself understand that IF SHE WAS MY MOTHER I WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO HER... ask urself would u have really quietly listned?

7) U have to take ur MIL for outing most of the time, u cant go alone with ur hubby bcoz IL' s will feel bad. ... NO PRIVACY DARLING ... whcih is most imp. in initial period of marriage

THere are many more things.

Ask urself if it is worth sacrificing ur happy life ... not contacting parents, not giving them gifts ... taking ur IL' s everywhere u go

Though this things are not same for years, after 7-8 years things ofcourse do change ... IL' s are not so interferig then, but dnt u think u need privacy with ur husband in this intiial 7-8 years, dnt u think u want to be in contact and support of ur parents in initial days more rather than once u r settled

though prob' s are different in every family ... i have jotted down wht i have seen around

When my DH asked me to invite my parents for dinner on my b' day ... i told him no only we two will go ... so why does ILs have to feel bad .... all ur question where something like whether we treat our parents and IL' s same .... so this is my eg. .... i never informed keep informing abt. our plans of going out etc. before hand to my parents and they never even interfer or ask the details then why does IL' s expect

the main cause, it can be from any side IL' s side or DIL side .... the problem is EXPECTATION

u check in ROLE OF IL' s section, where i have asked if any lady is happy with IL' s and check how many replies have coem

i m not saying that IL' s are bad ... my IL' s are definately not bad ... bt i have prob. and as u said u adjusted and now u and they both are happy .. good, i really feel happy for u that u r in peace but for me i cant sacrifice or adjust to such things where i have to supress my wishes and be happy NO WAY .. n when we are coming in their family, it is their responsibility first to make us feel comfortable - this is said by a Marriage Councellor in a talk show

Ur questions seemed to me as at this age we tell school going or college students that studies are not that difficult, exam is not difficult, maths is really easy ... u just have to study for 2 hrs a day bla bla bla ... now everything seems simple, but b4 giving such advice we shud peep up in our flash back .. same is ur condition dear

THanks hmmm replied. do u stay with ur IL' s?