Relationships  Discussion Forum

hi,

im quite a regular reader of this board and thought of writing today.

i live in a big city in india.even before my marriage i always wished to be in abroad...the reason privacy and freedom in life.but i got married in a rich and wealthy family in india with a decent husband.

But the thing is as all women or rather i should say DIL face in our country is sasural related problems.im facing it too.
We have too many relatives and with relatives around(specially husband)you cannot have that kind of freedom which you desire for.i mean they are nice to me...but expectations like.....a good Bahu should respect elders,never answer back even if elders say anything hurting,take care of saas saasur,obey and follow family traditions and principals,careful in way of dressing in front of elders as well as what to talk etc...like many things.
why are DIL expected more in a house than a daughter???when i lived with my parents i was atleast much free to do what i wanted.See even in my sasural im free to do what i want but in front of relatives and others i expected to behave in certain way.WHY?

My bhabhi stays in US.i should not say such things for her,but she is free to do whatever she wants.Gets up at her own pretty time,gossips on phone for hours with friends,never bothered to work or support my brother,dosent even comes to india much so never being very close to my dad family....what i mean is she is expected to do what im expected to do,because she is far from India....lucky na.\" YEH MERI KISMAT HAI KEE MAIN US NAHI JA PAYI\" .I have accepted,even my mom says stop comparing your life with anyone and be happy in whatever god has given me.no doubt my hubby loves,even in -laws r ok...but is this enough in life.i want freedom,privacy and to live the way i want.
please girls im not jealous or bad,its just that i dont understand what to do in difficulty and times when im irritated.i feel if i would have been outside india living with a best conditions i would not have had any problems.
there are sooo many girs who might be having bigger problems than me..i know and they r adjusting.But i want to ask girls who live abroad and write mails on this board,what problems do they really have.?Y are they unhappy in life.Personal problems can be solved,otherwise u people are comfortable and in full freedom...enjoying your youth isnt it?
please tell me how to be content with whatever i have? chini replied. well i read many posts today replying my answers...

well i agree with girls in some things and not in some things....
i agree grass always looks greener on the other side...and everyone faces problems small or big.But living in India problems are more created by others because you are in constant eye of relatives and in laws.

The biggest problems girls face in US is not having servents,and working very hard managing home, kids or maybe jobs RIGHT.But if you girls see atleast you have only to manage your kids and hubby....you girls are away from other committments of in laws, relatives and other social committments.

Even girls in India manage hubby,kids and even work....so whats big.Every married girl has to do it.we do have servents here i agree but then we have many other people to take care of and on people, friends and relatives coming on festivals or other occasions.
You girls have comfortable lives that way i feel...getting good money,in laws out of sight,if managing your own house and kids and hubby makes you feel thats that sooo much im sure if you come back to india you girls can NEVER ADJUST.

i have seen my bhabhi....i have lived with her for 2 months before my marriage...believe me girls in my own 2 years of marriage i have learnt more than what she has not learnt in 8 years...her house is always in mess,she even got an oppurtunity to join a course but she didnt because of kid....she keeps her jewelery here any there,clothes lying on chairs,gets up late when my brother leaves for office...i felt so bad staying 2 months with her as well as pity for my brother...but i kept quite because i was getting married at that time...and its my elder brother house.if she would have been in India my mom would have definately blasted her and a lady like my own MIL would have been hospitalized by now that what a usless female my son has got....

some girls might be feeling that im jealous SIL,saying all this about my own bhabhi,but i feel very sad when i see some girls being like this are happy,enjoying their freedom,useless in everything etc...i never said this to my parents...they themselves stayed sometime at my brother place and noticed the same thing and then my mom discussed on phone these all things(i just laughed and said \" good u came to know yourself\" ).but because she is far she is happy in her own way...nobody to taunt,people thing \" america main toh sab acche seh he rehte hai\" . Kim replied. Until I met my beloved, I was a single working mom, and dealing with poverty, very bad poverty. The desperate poor do exist here in the US - starvation and being homeless, and this is even for women who work! I know, because I' ve been there.

Manzoor swears to me a better life awaits me and my children there in India and that he, too, suffers here greatly compared to being home. I' ve done my share of being \" free\" and \" independent\" and believe me this - freedom is NOT free. I felt more in chains and subject to a will other than my own - whether it was the boss or the kids or the ex-husband or the bank account, than if I could devote 100% of my energy to maintaining my home and family and to pleasing my husband and in-laws. I suppose that sounds odd coming from a woman born in the United States and raised very modern, but this is how I feel.

Best of luck to you!
Kim Srey replied. I am not sure about other families living here in the US, but I am still judge all the time by my inlaws.

Yes, it is true that when I was in my single life especially during my childhood years, life is good. I was careless, simply because my parents didn' t allow me to do anything. Like chores around the house, laundry or whatever. Concentrating on my school was more important to them.

As I got older, things changed. I matured and start to develope and etc...I guess, I became more alert with my surroundings. I mean, as a women we have to behave a certain way, right? this is only common sense.

Back to the Question--When we reach adulthood, we have to act a certain way. In the role of DIL, we are responsible for our husband well-being and future children' s lives, right?

SO, to act a certain way is common sense. for example:

In a marriage life, You cannot wake up in the middle of the afternoon anymore, why? because, what if your husband needs breakfast or your kids needs changing and etc...?

The only difference with being in the US is....Not many joint family. Which is a plus for me. I still can do the things I want and etc...simply because, in my house it' s just the two of us. But, whenever I visit my Inlaws, I act a certain way. Why? well simply because there are other people in the house that I have to respect.

The role of DIL is to show that you are able to take care of your household. What you do is always judged. Especially, when you are within the same building as them.

To avoid be judged.....Live as far away from them. LOL

one replied. my sis-in-law (co-sister) feels the exact same way ,, she is just 10th std pass/fail not sure.... she keeps telling all this to my mil and other relatives and i get to know from them.. I just think she is jealous n forget the matter.. But she in india is enjoying every comfort 3 maids who do all from cooking to cleaning and she is just putting on weight right now she is 80 kg so there r many advantages being in india... and the other main thing is fate whats in ur fate u got to accept it Ritika replied. It is indeed interesting to see that the life you think you would love to have in the US - you dislike your bhabhi for having it...a little hypocritical of you, don' t you think?

Your bhabhi might have a valid reason for not working (like not having a work permit). That is no reason to say that she is not bothering to support your brother. \" Getting up late\" ? How do you know?? Are you there in their house every morning?? \" gossips for hours on the phone\" ?? Again - are you there eavesdropping?? or is this all highly uncomfirmable info based on \" gossip\" with your brother or mom??

Oh, by the way, are you working? Since you are in India, and you have such strong notions of being a working wife..I assume you must be an office going girl too..is that so??

So your main question was about what problems can a US based woman have??

You seem to think that freedom of movement and spending loving and quality time with your husband is a given thing. It is by default.

Oh, I forgot. You have a loving and caring husband. So you think everybody does.

You have ok in-laws so you think everybody does.

If you have gone through some of the posts here, you would know that a lot of women are not as fortunate as you in having a loving or compatible husband.

Another problem that we woman in the US have is absolutely no family support and no help for household chores. I don' t have a maid or a servant to do my cooking, cleaning, laundry, baby sitting, buying groceries etc. E.g. Me and my baby have been sick on and off for the past few weeks...my husband travels out of town for work 5 days a week. Inspite of being sick, I cannot have the luxury to rest, because the daycare here doesnt take in a sick baby and my baby doesnt know that I' m also sick...we have been surviving on moong kichdi and bread & butter for the last few days coz I do not have the energy or strength to cook. I cannot order food from outside because I have food poisoning and my baby has diarraheoa. But I guess in your world, that might not seem like a big deal.

And hey, if you really want independence, you and your husband can always start living separately...

If you really want to come to the US, why don' t you come on a vacation..see for yourself and then maybe apply for a job or a higher studies course and then come for a few years (like many do)...

I' m sorry if I sounded too harsh in my post, but it bugs me no end when someone comes up with this big sense of entitlement as if the world or others in it owe them something. Instead of counting their blessings, they keep being envious of others and in the process cannot even enjoy the happiness they already have.

US is a great place to live but India is a great place to live too. Each has its pros and cons. If you really desire something, then work towards it. Don' t keep thinking that my husband should get me this, or my parents should have given me this...if you keep looking at others, you stop looking at yourself and at what YOU can do to make a change in your life.

If you are unhappy with your life, list down the top 3 things that you would like to change in it and then go about doing it. You want more fun with your hubby. Go out of town on the weekends. You want to wear all modern clothes, then take an outfit while going out and change in the restroom somewhere...your in-laws won' t know...Sitting and cribbing is not gonna help. arti replied. Hi dear I live in US if you ask me I can go on and on with the prob that girls face here. never compare yourself with others coz you don' t their actual life. I live in US but my inlaws control my life sitting in india.(Atleast your inlaws are good) my husband is mamma boy so follow each and everything what his mom say. here we are so lonely that if you have some prob you can' t talk freely to anyone. if you want to see your parents options are limited. some girls here they didn' t went to india for last 5-6 yrs.so they are not able to see their parents. Like in my situation I have two kid so all the time goes my taking care of them, everybody is busy in their live so you can' t go to anyone so sometime I feel that i have not interacted to any other adult in a weeks, my husband comes late so it is very lonely. My father is sick in india but I can' t go to see him coz it is so expesive to go everytime with two kids. and my inlaws come here for every 6 month and even here in US they expect me to follows each and everything what they say, dress according to them. Talk what they like so it is not so much freedom here also so it all depend how is your inlaws and how is your husband. My sis is there in India she is much happier than me. atleast she go out meet people from my parents place.she has help to do household work or to take of her kids.I am telling you all these to just ease your tension.
relax and have fun. srija replied. I can only say this much \" GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE\" . None can be free from problems. Most people living abroad have more insecurity financially , emotionally and phusically than we think. Being independent may sound nice, but in reality its all about coping with life all alone there. try to keep yourself busy, with a job etc and be happy. wish you good luck..