Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,

I am a smart n attractive female with average features.I am working in an IT co and earning gud salary but not as gud as my husband' s earnings.

Our is a love marriage.Now my problem is that my husband thinks that whatever he thinks is correct n whatevr I say is wrong.
When I was at my parents place everyone including my parents,siblings,relatives and friends used to be very impressed by me and always praised for my efficiency,creativity and smartness. But after getting married I have been treated like a fool who doesn' t know much.

My MIL,who was a teacher feels that she is the smartest woman on earth.She keeps critisizing me in front of relatives n family members. Tough the best thing is that we do not stay wid them n live in a diff city but whenever we meet she makes me feel like a fool n my husband is such a big fan of his mom that he has also started believing that I am an inefficient person who cannot do much in life.

I cud not get a promotion in my co. because of internal politics but he got the promotion within a year of joning a new co.He feels that I might not be a gud employee n thats y I haven' t been promoted in last 3.5 yrs.I usedto cook for 3 ppl in home(my bil stay wid us),do all the house chores,and managed office too before my pregnancy. Then I kept a cooking maid after getting pregnant n it was my husbands suggestion. Does this show my inefficiency?

My husband interferes a lot in my shopping n doesn' t let me buy things which he feels unnecessary...I do not have a vehicle so I have to depend on my hubby when we go to a distant place for shopping.He doesn' t allow me to take a rickshaw when i have to go to a far away place for shopping. When I was at my mom' s place I used to ride a kinetic and was totally independent. Now I feel so dependent on him.

What shall I do to make him understand that I am not a duffer but an intelligent and smart lady who can take care of each n everything.How shall I gain that confidence in him ? s stewart replied. It appears to me that your husband was treated the same way by his Teacher mother when he was a child. Now that he is an adult he feels he needs to get back all the power that was taken from him when he was a child. Talk to him, confront him, stand up to him and show him the better person. He knows you' re beautiful and smart, but by treating you as if you weren' t gives him much power, so stop giving him that power. If you don' t, you will lose all confidence in yourself. Jamie Reynolds replied. You dont have to earn respect from your husband, you should have it already. he should always respect you in every aspect--from your intelligence to your decisions. If he doesnt, you need to communicate to him that he obviously doesnt love you the way that you want. you should be seen as an equal, not as inferior. its new times now, you' re highly competent and you need to regain your dignity and suppress your fears. Advisor replied. Hi Sonia,

One thing is sure that your husband knows you are a confident, smart and intelligent girl. Even if he can' t see that in his mothers eyes, he might be seeing that in the eyes of people around you and that is probably making him insecure and that could be the reason he is criticising you so that he can prove to you that he is better than you which he doesn' t think he is.

Here is what you should do as per me for sometime. This will work only if your husband has somekind of insecurity related to you and thus acting possesive and controlling.

1. observe how other people in your social circle treat you when your husband is there, not your inlwas and all but people unrelated to you, like a shop-keeper, a friend, a distant relative, your husbands colleagues etc. Do they have an appreciation for you because of who you are?
2. Boost your husbands confidence, praise him say that you look very handsome in all clothes, that wao you are so intelligent that you got promoted, celebrate his successes, tell him that what he achieved in his life impresses you, point out his good qualities. Don' t ever criticize yourself or point or talk about your shortcomings.
3. When you do something right, don' t let it go unnoticed. Point it out even if its as silly as cooking a perfect dish. Also let him know if someone else praises you when he is not around. Create some fake instances as well. If he complains about you shopping a lot. Find an instance to compare yourself with someone else who shops more than you.
4. Let him feel that he has got a good deal in partnership because he deserves it.Let him get a sense that your world revolves around him despite of the fact that you are a confident, good-looking, intelligent and accomodating person.
5. If he scold you in front of others, rub his neck or back and say sweetie, lets talk about it tonight, I want to learn more of what you are complaining.
And when night comes, put on your nightgown with his favorite perfume, and seduce him and then ask him to tell more. Do it in a way that all he could say is \" I love you\"
5. Try to fix things which he don' t like at the best of yourself but do it confidently knowing that as you are very smart, its easy for you to fix the silly stuff, something like dishes not kept properly, say whats is the big deal, let me fix it. Things you can' t ask for his help, that will boost his confidence. way to put that would be, honey I am trying to put the dishes the way you or your mom do, and am not able to figure out, can you please help. Then appreciate him for his help and a job well done- give a little kiss on his cheek.

Make sure that even if you have hired a maid, he knows the reasons, tell him that you prefer to have ample time for him and your little one as you love them and hence you have hired a maid. He should know if your time together is more important than the maid.

Don' t insist on shopping all by yourself. thats something you learn how to compromise if your husband doesn' t like it.

Take interest in your husband' s hobbies, friends, past life, his job, his looks etc, may be he is feeling left out and thats how he is expressing his feelings.

Best of luck! let me know how it goes.
Namita replied. Dont blame ur husband .. ofcourse it' s his mistake to follow his mother .. as it is said \" childs mind is like a blank slate\" .... same way, ur MIL have brought him up with such type of thoughts, n might have always critisied everyone everynow and then in front of him ... this might b the reason for his nature ... if u love him u have to change him

Confused girl have given u few suggetions ... n its true u have to b little chaloo but its ok

Suggetions from me -

now when he criticises you, there might b some negative pts in him ... like not dressing well(perfect) ... not shaving everyday ... you take any silly point ... not keeping documents properly .... filing papers once a week .... etc. .... take any damn point
and start comparing him with ur father, brohter or his brohter anyone ... when he says how can u pin point this to me ... tell him that the same way i feel hurt, i dont like to pin point others for their doings as it is never been taught by my parents but i did this toshow u how much it hurts me ... when u do it every minutes whereas i have said just once ... ask him to think, and the next moment love him, hug him dont leave him with tht thought ... let him think at back of him mind

this works with some people ... give it a try ... but dont b nagging or irritating or comparing too much, otherwise it will spoil ... jst do it to show how it feels when other are pointed ... ask him to step in ur shoe n see

if he says that i m doing for ur good etc etc. .. tell him how much qualified u r, wht all u have done at his home ... tell him that even u hve ur own identity ... first of all this, u shud have self-respect for urself, u shud never let others balme or point u for silly or unnecessary things

let them call it is ego but i call it a self-respect Srey replied. That' s a so wrong of him.

The problem is his mother. Your husband is just brainwashed by her.

I guess, since you are safe from her because you said she is not living with you and your hubby, right?

Just try to baby him up. I am sure you are doing your best, but....Try some more. They love it, when you tease them.

Are the two of you trying to save or something? That probably explains the reason why he thinks you are buying unecessary stuff. Try to Minimize this habbit, just enough for your hubby to stop lecturing you, then slowly do it again, Okay?

confused girl replied. Hi,
I have the exact same problem and being treated this way...gets to me and makes me depressed. I have had a really bad times - even started seeing a therapist..but I wish these husbands would understand that we will be much more efficient if only they supported us instead of critising us and treating us like fools.
My friends and family who i have discussed this problem with say ek kaan se suno doosre se nikaal do...but I am very very sensitive and easily break down in front of my husband and his mom - which makes them feel that she is a weakling ...basically we will have to earn their respect..its really tough to do..but I am trying.
Nowadays, I genuinely try to fix the things that my husband criticises about - though they are silly - like not keepoing the dishes in the dishwasher a certain way - i don' t know why it matters so much to him that he has to point it out everyday - i feel like telling him u do it! But I love mhy husband so when he criticises me I do two things these days :
1. Try to fix it - really try - if its not too tough to do - even though it seems ridiculous sometimes.
2. If I can' t fix it or don' t want to change - like buying something for the house which he does notw ant..I try to be sweet and romantic to get it...being sweet always works -but saying \" you never let me buy things\" just makes us fight..Sometimes it feels very chaloo to do these thigns..but I do it anyway.
With MIL, right now she does not live with us...so I just say yes to whatever she says and do what I please :)
Hope my suggestions help.. vb replied.
if i were u i would just neglect all the -ve comments which i get. since u know ur worth why should u depend on others to know your value ? if u have money just buy a 2 wheeler and tell ur hubby that u dont want to disturb him while going for shopping thats why u need a vehicle.