Relationships  Discussion Forum

This is for all the Marwari bahus to answer:

I am a Brahmin gal got married to a marwari boy. Obviously our culture is quite different then their culture.My MIL who is a finicky lady keeps pestering me about her culture.

I want to ask marwari gals if these things really happen in ur culture..just want to confirm and assure myself.

1)Everytime I visit her place I have to give her money in her hands before touching her feet to get her blessings. Even if I visit any of her relative’s place I need to touch the ladies feet and give them money. I feel I have got bankrupt whenever I visit their place (twice in a year atleast ).

Also, she expects my mom to load her wid gifts on each n every occasion. My Mom too stays in a different city and its not possible for her to send someone wid gifts and moreover its an expensive affair too.

2) When I got married I got lot of gifts from my hubby’s relatives n acquaintances. But I gave all of them to her. Now after two years of my marriage if someone gives me something she keeps it with her. Initially when I was a new bride I gave everything to her because I thot she will give those things to me herself. But then I realized that she didn’t give me anything from those gifts. Recently I went to their place for my delievery and one of her friend gave me an envelope coz she cud not come at our wedding. I kept that envelope and told her that aunty has given 500 rs to me. She made an issue out of it and said ‘how dare u kept that money wid u..Marwaris mein hamesha sare gifts saas ko diye jate hain’
Not just that she also kept all the cash n jewelry which was given to my kid by her relatives. I found it very sick coz I have never seen this kind of thing in my family.

3) When I got married my hubby told me to keep my jewelry and expensive sarees at my in laws place because we both are in job and we hardly get a chance to wear them. So I did that but recently when I visited went to their place for my delievery I noticed that few of my sarees were dirty and some were in her cupboard. I felt very sad because I m li’l possessive abt my things and it was my wedding trousseau which I left wid her.I have never seen my grandma wearing my mom’s sarees n moreover those are very heavy sarees..donno how cud she wear them
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plz let me know if these things reallyhappen in ur culture or she is just fooling me. KR replied. HI,

I am a marwari habu and stay in a different city, my jewellery and sarees are still with my MIL, but I mke it a point to carr back some of it everytime I see her.She also did not want me to wear new saree for diwali saying baad main kon pehnenga but I said it is mine and I have to wear new on diwali even if I wear it only once, I ahve seen pictures of her in my saree and then I told her that we have a age diff and she should not wear my clothes.

Well we do have to give some money like Rs 100 but this also I do only once a year when I am coming from my mothers place not when I go from my house to her house ( tell her yeh bhi to mera ghar hai, koi alag thodi hai).

It will take time and she will no doubt be annoyed in this phase but get all your jewellery out of her. Advisor replied. Your story is amusing not surprising at all in Indian Culture.You are a naive girl my friend who could not judge her or her intentions.

You should have never ever given the jewellery or sarees to her, if she wants to create a scene, let her do that by all means.The way you could have done that is keeping a piece of jewellery aside for your MIL and let your husband give it to her saying that her bahut had got that specially for her, a design she likes, a very good saree with 1000 rs on top for your FIL. rest should have kept it to yourself, believe me she would not have dared to create a scene, even she would have, you wouldn' t even needed to speak, your husband would have handled it, believe me.

Same goes with your daughters birth, give her a hefty shagun on your daughters birth but you keep all the gifts. Everytime you go visit your inlaws, keep some money aside for the feet touching stuff for all the realtives, little girls. Make a deal with your husband that the moment you arrive there, your husband will hand that money over to you in front of you saying taht its for the feet-touching of all the realtives, as you have no idae how much to give whom so she should figure out that from your budget, if she asks more, let your husband handle, don' t utter a word. when you are touching others feet, let her hand you over the money, do her feet touching first and give her triple or four times of what you will give anyone else.

She is very greedy, shut her mouth with money and gifts for her so that she can' t torture you to shower your money on others. Keep your husband involved so that he would know how much money is going away.

Dont insist your parents to go beyond their budget on festivities, if she creates a scene, be quiet and ignore her. If your husband is not supportive, you are in a wrong relationship. suchita replied. Hey I too am a marwari bahu and i have not witnessed anything like that!!!Yeah we have to touch elders and relatives friend with envelopes but it is justn a shagu...i mean my MIL used to give me money for touching others ...she would never expect that I pay from my pocket!1Even for the jewelery and gifts she never keeps anything..she says all is yours....let me be free from all these tensions..maybe your MIL is a greedy lady...even my sarees and stuff nobody uses them....I stay in a different city...even if they need to use them..they ask me twice....NO.....ALL MARWARIS ARE NOT LIKE THAT!!!The problem is with your MIL..I M sorry to say!!! friend replied. Hi ss
I can Totally understand your situation coz I am in same boat. after reading your story as My MIL and your MIL is same. I am not Marwari I am Brahmin and married to a brahmin but different Brahmin. My MIl didn' t gave anything in my wedding expect one jwelery said that we have custom to give only one set and later when bhahu come to my place we give her more that never happened. and that one jwelery they made my husband to buy that for wedding and same whenever I touch the feet I have to give money and they have custum that DIl touch feet of Girls of the house does not matter if Girl is 2 yrs old. and not to mention give money to everybody before touching the feet. once when i went after marriage i have to touch feet of all relative and inlaws and all girls including cusins and all and give money, and in all festival I have to do that. I was out of money that my parents gave it to me. so i just put 100rs to every bodys feet and touch it she made a huge scene and told my husband that I put 2rs in her feet and I have insulted her, I later told My husband even I don' t give 2 rs to beggers How he can beleive that I put 2rs to touch her feet.if some one give money to me she ask me that give me that money that you got coz eventually I have to return them anyhow(just a excuse) she does not feel shame at all. if someone give money to my husband she ask from him too and say that betey ka paisa MA ko jaata hai. I thought when I' ll have my child she will not ask but I was wrong even someone gave money to my daughter she make sure to take envelope so that i don' t take out from that. she is such a mean lady. she never ever gave me a single dime and expect me and my parents to give her banarsi sari and gift all the time. My parents have given her more sari and gift then they have given me. once my father came to my place and gave me and my inlaws some money when he was going back I kept my money she started abusing me that I didn' t gave her that money. he gave me to spend as my husband left me alone with his parents without giving me single dime. I was so out of money coz of these festival and continious giving money to them that I had to call my sis and ask her for money they drove three hours and came and gave me that money. Same here dear My all good sari and jwelery is with her and i didn' t wear many sari and when I went back many sari was missing when I asked she said that you were not wearing those sari so i went to my sis daughter wedding and gave that sari, I was so upset that all were given by my parents. and I don' t know about jwelery coz I never got to see those after my marriage as they are in her locker. I asked just gold bangel to bring with me to wear that my parents have given she made a big scene.
she is so mean The gold chain that my parents have given to my husband when my daughter was born she gave that chain to my daughteras if it was her' s.
she might be giving jwelery also to her relative wedding . coz i got lot of small ring or earing that everybody gave me as gift all she kept she gave me just one one peice to wear.so you are not alone this is not only in marwari family , I thinks this depends on person to person we are brahmin but never saw this in our family. when my daughter was born she didn' t brought a single dress for her. and always say that iski nani dengi means My mother should give her.I have to end here coz if I go on and on i' ll never end with her story. Namita replied. she is fooling u .... how can u keep ur jwelery with her? ..... i m not Marwari, bt ask ur husband that does in their customs only taking business is there ... may b they have such customs but y is everythin given to MIL, if u r giving money at the first visit is ok ... everytime is a costly affair ....

i can give u a good idea .... give her Rs.1 and 25 paise in her hand whenver u touch her feet, if she says anything, tell her, the amount of money should not matter this custom is matter of Shagun and in Hindu culture Rs.1 and 25 paise is also given to God, give her lecture on Shagun(search from internet) and she shud accept whtever u give as Shagun

dont keep on taking such stupid advices from her ... give her back once then she vl never try to advice u again ... ask her nicely, how come ur sarees got dirty, if she says she used it .... make face and tell her its ok if u used it but it was my wedding saree

let her shout

abt. giving gift by ur parents ... say a big NO ... y shud ur parents suffer for this .....tell ur husband that we dont have this custom so i dont want to pressure my parents with such expenses, i feel odd ... n i think such customs are followed just for 1 yr. of marriage not for life time

u made mistake by giving ur gifts and money to her .... my parents had given gold chain in our wedding to my husabnd on the wedding day ... so there he gave it to his parents .... some how i forced him to take it from his parents and wear it .... then my parents gave him gold locket for 1st diwali, i showed it to my MIL and kept it with my self ... then my parents gave him gold platted pen for new year, that i didnt even showed her on that day ... i showed her after some 2-3 months n kept it with myself ... all my jwellerys are with my mother ... all my artificial jwellery' s are with me .... i dnt even give her my hanky ... forget abt. jwellery and saree

my husabnd also wanted me to give it to her but i showed him if they have not given anything to me except Mangalsutra for wedding then why do they expect from me

u have to make ur husband understand this

u check with few marwari friends or from this site there might b some customs in their culture, where they have to give equall things to Bahu ... hey, u got delivered ... i heard that in Marwari 1st delivery is done at husbands place ... check for this also

mine is also love marriage .... there is a custom in my IL' s culture where at particular function they have to give DIL old ornament .... bt they didnt give me anything, then my husabnds aunt said \" wht is this u have to give her something\" then they gave Rs. 10 ... do u believe .... u can point out such things

check abt. such customs ... dnt follow them ... give a big STOP to all this SK replied. I am not Marwari but I do have some Marwari friends infact a very good friend of mine is married to a Marwari family.I haven' t heard anything of this sort from her.Infact she too stays separately from her in-laws place with her husband.Your MIL surely seems to be a very cunning lady.I am amused with her ways. Just a suggestion:

1)Why dont you carry your jewellery and expensive sarees with you to your place saying that you may require to wear them at times (to a colleague' s wedding etc)

2)Stop giving cash to your MIL everytime you visit her place.You can say \" Aap bhi meri apni ma ki tarah ho \" .

3) Ask you own parents not to give any sort of gifts to your in-laws.Its not feasible to pass on expensive gifts for life long to your in-laws.Once they stop , your MIL will get used to the idea of not receiving any gifts from your parents.

Make sure that next time you vist your MIL be a bit stern in your ways. I believe that once you change your ways , your MIL will get used to you.
But make sure that you take your husband to your confidence , he should not feel bad if you take your jewellery back from your MIL or if you do not give her cash before touching her feet.
All the best !!