Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Friends
Iam a silent reader of this column.The fact that there are so many kind unknown strangers who are ready to console and to solve others' problem is really amazing.I want to tell u guys about my problem and want ur valuable suggestions over it.
To begin with my story...Im a post graduate in computer' s field with a good academic records.Got married 4 yrs back.I was working bfore my marriage and since my husband' s job required him to work from Japan..I accompanied him there.My character is basically like..im a perfectionist..whatever I do I want to do it best and put my full efforts into it..I transformed myself into a home maker and did a good job..meanwhile I dint want to waste my time and learnt the language there and also gave some certification exams on it..And to tell u guys about my husband' s character hez the coldest guy on earth..For instance he finds it meaningless to celebrate one' s bday or wedding day...hez very hard working and has an excellent career..he slogs like anything at office and once hez back from work he prefers only to sleep..even on weekends he would always get up so late that we always used to end up at home..but Im the kind of wife who never nags..I always used to be undrstanding and never pester him to go out.But sometimes I wish he could see I what Im doing for him..his character is such that he hates to help me in kitchen.Even when Im awfully sick he wudnt turn up to make a cup of coffee for me..But inspite of all this strange behaviours I practised to love him.
And about his family..they are like usual..since my husband was from a low middle class family and had comeup so far in his career theres always a gap between him and his folks..inspite of all this I respected them and spoke well to them.But my sil' s intention was always to put me down..whenver I used to have a talk with her on phone (coz I always wanted to have good relations with her)..she always used to hurt me so badly..Though my hubby knew abt all this he used to pretend like he never noticed..that used to bug me a lot.When i used to talk to him abt that..he used to blame me in return...Finally I stopped talking to her totally..Though my relationship with mil and fil wasnt that bad..coz of sil they hate me now..to the extent that they dont touch my newborn child and also feel extremely happy abt me undergoing c-section while their daughter had a normal delivery..But my real problem starts only now.
We returned to India last year.I wanted to pursue my career immediatly but due to my health conditions my gynaec insisted not to waste any more time and plan for pregnancy.So I had to give up thoughts abt my career again.Finally i got pregnant and this year had a baby.But deep in me...my soul keeps screaming that I have done injustice to my career..that Im good for nothing..Actually I can call myself a very good home maker..i have a good sense of home decor..im very health conscious..that I always take pains in every meal i prepare...keep looking for food blogs for good nutritious recipes..But in return I dont get ny credit...my husband keeps saying im hopeless even for the smallest if mistakes I commit..He doesnt even want to listen to me...sometimes I feel Iam a just a maid who occasinally gets to sleep with him(whether willing or not)...he thinks whatever im doing for him can be attained even outside just by throwing money..How can he forget that I gaveup my career for him...My baby is now 6 months old and I spend all the time with him...I cant go out alone..I have put on some weight post pregnancy and Im working very hard to lose it...but my hubby wont baby sit for 30 mins also so that I can take my time out for gym...I feel miserable..He doesnt let me ride a two-wheeler...coz He thinks I cant..never lets me take up driving classes for car..anything and everything he just wants to curb my effeciency..I have stopped loving him and have started feeling haterd for him.Its like he wants to chop my wings off and complains that Im incapable of flying...I feel so depressed .I want to work prove myself..but this huge gap (4 yrs) in my career is really scaring me..i dont know if someone wud hire me or not..Though I was into deveopment previously i now consider taking up translation as a career coz I dont want my son to struggle coz my hubby is back home very late and I dont want to do the same.But I dont kno where to start..I have no freinds in this city(blore).Financially we r well settled.so Im not there for money..I want peace and want to prove myself..So what can i do now..can I leave my son in a creche coz my parents wont help in anyway for babysitting coz they dont want to come in between me and my hubby.What should i do now? sometimes i feel like dying...I dont see point in leading a meaningless life anymore..so pls guide me..


hello replied. jaya

i am just sharing my thought- this is what i felt after reading your long, long msg.

1.if money is not an issue. -get a full time maid or a maid who stays for 8 hrs. she would help you in everything at home.
2. maid would get you a solution abt you going out. leave the baby with the maid for few hours and go out. bangalore is a big place go out all by yourself it could be gym,park,temple,markets,shopping,driving classes.everyday you get up and decide what and where you would do or go today. do not discuss this with your husb.

3.Finish your responsibility as a mom and wife and go out. so you will not have a tension at all. you could also take your maid if req.
4. start to make friends with your neigh. take your child for a walk in the neighbour hood.everybody likes kid...conversations start off like that.
5. just wait when your kid goes to school you could make numerous friends for yourself.you would completely change by then.

6. do not be a shell inside your house go out everyday.... just window shopping would do..

decide and get out..there is a whole world arounfd you. be happy...
bye
pippli replied. Dear Jaya
I have been going thru similar kind of situation. Though my husband is very understanding and helpful, he has never engouraged my career. We had a baby immediately after wedding. so i choose to take care of the child for sometime. but now that she is 3 1/2 my husband and in laws are tricking me for the next one. I wanted to start my career all over but my husband says we should not delay the second child. i dont want to hurt him nor want to go ahead with his decision.
notperfect replied. Just 2drops of tears fell on keaboard when I read ur message!\" Its like he wants to chop my wings off and complains that Im incapable of flying \" ..... Yes, heart touching because , with similar feelings I entered board and posted my problem...When I was reading ur feelings, I appreciate u for still having gut feeling that u r perfectionist. In 5years of my marriage, I just lost confidence in myself and also, hate myself for living meaning less, disrespectful life,


Always trying to impress someone whom we love, and finally, hearing words like...HOPELESS, FIT FOR NOTHING .

I told my hubby manytiems to give space to another lady in his life and compare with me.then he' ll know what I' m worth for..

Know what, dear, I even forgot that in one year of my (irrelavant to my computer studies)job, everybody in organisation surprised to my efficiency and I earned 8 lakhs, and kept in his hands.

Even in my 3yrs baby school, teachers wonder how come my baby is such smart to know epics, rhymes, stories,Playing video games.He never utter I taught her all...he doesnt like to praise me for my positives, Ofcourse he feel them as responsibilities of woman....

ok, let his life go on... But he scolds in front of my child, and she also developing leniant feeling in me . She alos might start disrespecting me. I dont like parents quarreling in front of achild...but he doesnt have taught such family values. His parents r like that even they show their indeifferences in my presene, Evn his sis and bil r like that ....even we r building same family again.....:(


preeti replied. Dear Jaya,
Dont despair. Four yrs gap doesnt means that u cant work again n nobody will hire u. i m in IT n have a colleauge who re-joined this field after 4 - 1/2 yrs gap. she was busy with raising 2 kids during this time. she is doing perfectly good career wise n got promotions too. these r ur own inhibitions created by ur mind out of fear of the unknown. refresh ur knowledge n start applying whehter its transalation job or IT. If ur hubby is not supporting then do not discuss ur future plans with him . he will discourage u by saying u cant do it, u r incapable of that etc. u seems to have ample time at home. immerse urself in making ur life better. as ritika said going to gym is not the only option, u can buy excercise equipment, or can go for walks with baby, can practice yoge poses n meditation too, sitting in the comforts of ur home with ur baby. if money is not a problem, then hire a maid who will look after the baby while u excercise n study. u must socialize , start having friends in neighbourhood.contact ur long lost friends n rebuild relationships with them. join internet forums too , there r can meet ppl facing similar problem n discover ways to fight the odds. do not at all expect ur hubby to praise ur initiatives. if he wont notices ur weightloss let it be so. if he frowns upon ur studying or joining a course, let him act like that. n abt learning driving...i m wondering why do u give so much weightage to his words? u wanna learn riding a scooter... go ahead n learn that. simple. driving is an essential skill these days. in-laws r same everywhere. let them be . donot feel guilty abt in laws not speaking to u , not touching ur baby. its their loss! re-build ur life n while doing so remain polite to ur hubby through out. he may resist ur good changes initially but eventually this might impress him. u should use tact with ur hubby. if he mentally wants himself to be the whole n sole number one achiever in the family , then u pretend that is he a super achiever, a hard working n loving person n u own ur part r just trying to be better by taking new steps. do not give the feeling to him that u r all set to out do him in career etc. otherwise ur relationship with him might suffer due to his insecurities. good luck girl. everything is possible in this world. say a prayer n make a start.... Srey replied. Teach your hubby a lesson. Sometimes, enough is enough! So, he complains about your cooking, huh?? How about telling him to pick up his own dinner, on the way, from work.

You seemed to be an honest and sincere person. You just need a little push to stand up for yourself.

Looking for a Job? How about, working from home?

-Food Catering(In offices, and etc..)
-babysitting
-sales(buy something at wholesale price and sell it for a profit)
you know like DVD' s, CD' s, and etc...

I am hoping in the nearest future, you' ll be able to solve your problems.

Ritika replied. Hi Jaya,

I' m sorry to hear about your situation.

A couple of things I can suggest is that since your husband is out for work the entire day, don' t see any reason why you cannot go out by yourself and learn driving or ride a two wheeler..if that' s what you want.

About your career, find out a training institute where you can refresh your knowledge. You can ask your mom to come for a couple of weeks to help you with the baby while you do the training.

If you want to do translation, then find a job in that field and start applying.

Hey, until you apply, you will never find out whether you' ll get the job or not.

About your husband - if he is discouraging you then don' t talk to him about yr dreams too much. On weekends, you need not go anywhere for the entire day. Even if he gets up by noon, you can still go out somewhere in the evening...right? maybe a near by mall or something...just going out will dreshen you up.

About friends - start with your neighbors...invite some of your husband' s friend' s home for dinner. You' ll get to meet their wives..

About exercising, can you buy a treadmill? That way you can exercise at home. Or if you can take the baby out in a stroller, you can go for walks that way. Joining a gym is not the only way to lose weight. You can do several exercises at home.

Take care and I hope you feel better soon.

Ritika