Relationships  Discussion Forum

I have been now married for 6yrs.I was a catholic married to a sikh..before finally convincing my husbands parents to agree on our marriage they put a condition that i convert only then will they agree fr our marriage..my husband told me that just to please them we will say yes..when i come to the Us u can do whatever u want ..go to church etc...so i agreed and they even changed my name to a sikh name ..i did not convert on paper..my marriage ceremonies were totally dominated my them ..they made my parents pay fr teh reception and told everyone they spent..my mil always insulted my parents in front of relatives and friends...when i came to the US i was all new to the place..my husband not even once took me to church..i finally said i want to go church on xmas day..he pretended he was tired and fell asleep..i went alone that day..that was the last time i wnent to church..he always ignores problems..never argues but never reasons out my problems with me..during my first yr of marriage i caught him chatting and having sexual talks with another woman..that day i was hurt the most..i know he did it only fr fun sakes and none of it was true..but deep down i feel so betrayed that till today i find it hard to believe him..i was there to tqke care of his mom whwen hse was ill..she never allowed me to stay with my parents..gifts i wud buy fr them she would say in punjabis girls dont give their parents gifts..i would politely justify my actions and give my gifts to my parents...my husband then started saying that give them quietly w/o her knowledge..she always makes my hubby feel guilty fr having married me..she told us she was suffering frm heart problem and that she was seriuos..my husband told me that he blames himself..fr her condition becoz he married against her wishes..so i went down to india took care of her..would bathe her cook do everything fr her..i finally decided that if she has a heart ailment we need to chk it..so i took an appointment frm acardiologist..she was unwilling..but i forced her into ..after her xrays and angigraphy turned out her heart was 100 fine with no blocks..the dr even told her that her disease is all in her mind..she is very possesive about her son..she showed me a book where she has written his name all over and says she can write his name with her eys shut..i did not know how to react to her behavior..she changes in front of him..and that disgust me..she always buys things fr him not me...discriminates yet expects alot frm me..i did alot but i realise after doing so much she still does not appreciate or understands me..i have 2 girls..i wanted my mother during my first pregnancy and had told my husband about this right frm the beginning which he agreed...his image fr his parents is that he is the obeying son..so he never willing stands up fr me openly..he supports me but makes me do all teh talking to his parents..he never told his mom till it was time to call my mom..so my mil got annoyed and refused to ever visit us..during my 2nd pregnancy when she knew it was agirl..she was angry and told my hubby that she was not happy and that he should have tried fr a boy..to this also he never said anything to her but was rather apologetic to her fr us having a girl..so i got angry when she told me kya laxmi ladke ki icha hoti hain...i gave her back my feelings fr this not being right...recently my fil passed away..this has turned our live upside down even more..my hubby being the only son ..she ahs no wher to go but be with us..but she agreed to join us after we said that if she didnt like US we would return after we got US citizenship..so she immediatelt agreed saying well u guys r coming back in 3 yrs...
recently i asked my husband why we didnt ever go to church he said becoz his mother took a promise frm him not to..he said but he has never stopped me frm going..my elder daughter now started going to a convent school wher they took her fr a church visit and she had a lot of questions fr me..the day my mil had he visa interview i tokk both the girls to pray to church ..frm that day they wanna go to church whenever we pass that side on our way to school..
in india my mil will always stop by any mandir also and tell teh kids to pray to god.but never has she even told them to pray to a pic of jesus or mother mary..

now that she is here with us..she comes with me to drop my daughter to school everyday..everyday they say they want to go to church and i somehow postpone..and she will say oh they keep asking about god..so yesterday my younger one a fuss about going to church...we stoped by fr less than a min..but that upset my mil..that she wasnt talking to me ...and when my husband came she sat with a sulky face..and didnt talk much..i dont tell him about my encounters with her coz that makes me look nagging...i dont think i did anything wrong by taking teh girls to church..but i know kit is my mils habit of making herself like the victim and getting her point across..when she had heard about our love affair and she wanted to show how strogly she was against it she didnt eat fr 4 days and she feels proud about it..im very stressed as i know telling my husband also wont solve my problem as he doenst do much..to me it always seems that he avoids problems and confrontations..he always wants to be a good son..and in the bargain expects me to do teh sacrifice..i have done enough fr this marriage..but now i feel alone and tired..my mil makes me feel guilty when i do something she doesnt like...please help me feel positive..i would like u to know tat my husband loves me..but doesnt stand up fr me

helppriya replied. like someone in this post said that all marriages have to go thru this problem. urs was as intercaste marriages, thatshwy going to the church is an issue. but dont forget we all have to go thru certain major issues in our marriage. Ur husband will never stand for u infront of his parents. My husband is an only child and we live with his parents. his parents are so possessive abt him that we are not allowed to even vacation alone. if my husband travels with me alone, he feels guilty for leaving his parents behind. That is so irritating but we all have to make huge sacrifices. About going to the church, do what u want to rather than what others want u to. u are doing good by not nagging to ur husband. my suggestion is live ur life ur way, ignore ur mil behind ur husbands back and do all the drama with her when ur husband is around so that he feels u are being good. get a job or do something to get engaged, have a circle of friends, go out etc and understand that u have a life different from being just a wife and DIL. All the best. s replied. hey,
you are the only one who can take care of yourself!. there is no point in blaming MIL or husband..if you want to take the girls to the church , then do so when MIL is not around!.what to do ..she is the on who seems to be mentally confused/ill, not you!.You have already won with the kids by putting them in a convent!!...good for you
As I see, the only problem in your life is putting up with a grumpy old lady .That should not be a big deal.
goodluck to you. gg replied. all this is a part of mrrg ..this is story of many of us ..only thing inter caste mrrg...love mrrg ...arrange mrrg ...doesnt make nay diff...mine is the first love mrrg in my family same goes with my husband..u wont believe whn i sit n compare my prob with my sis probs i thin i am 100 times better off..i am happily mrrd if u ask my cousins..who are all victim of arrange mrrg ...i think ur very understnading n 6 years u hv become tuff with ur mil...let me tell u one ur mil will never change thill she is alive...no matter how much u ake care of her...
n all the mil do that they will care for their son more than u..its obvious about ur husband not taking u too churhc soemwhr we can understand that prob ..but my husband will take me to mandir after so much of pestering ...he doens like all this...fasting n all.. so dont take persnally..
like all our husband ...ur hsuband too is sandwiched btwn mother n wife...same with me my husband is on my side even if i lie he will trust me ..but he will never show that to his mom...behind her he is all mine ...but in fron t of her no comments ....n 2 years i hv got use toit now..i know my husband loves for hte sake of peace n happiness i hv leartn to ignore all this ...in other words learn to live with it...