Relationships  Discussion Forum

i' m 30 yr old and my husband is 36.we have a 4 year old son.When we got married in india my inlaws behaviour wasn’t very nice with me. Like my mother inlaw is big manipulator and change the meaning of what ever u have said. She is illiterate and my father inlaw is her yes man because if he don’t get agree then she none stop saying things to him like he is kid(that is so frustrating).now after 6 months when my hubby sponsor my to Canada I came here. We did not have any house and luxurious, because my hubby was studying at that time. They were thinking that they have a lot of money but not sending to us and our daughters. As my hubby is very caring to me and as well as very very caring to his parents too. So they both have a good contact on phone for 6 years. Now we been here for 6 years. I studied and got job. After 6 year now we bought a very big house and we have good job my hubby did first thing he applied them to Canada. My mistake was I haven’t stopped my hubby which I could and hubby don’t want to go India which he suppose to go to see his dad again and again. My father-in-law was very sick at that time(almost dying).since they are in Canada he got a new life and they are living with us in my house. Due to my mother inlaw stubborn nature I did many adjustments in my own house.inspite of that some time there are problems in house-- Like she dose messy work and I’m very clean person. Her old thinking always irritates me some where. She always cook food with lots of oil for all of us too and give too much food to my hubby and me, if we say no she keep pushing us. My hubby is gaining weight now, but my mother-in-law keep telling him some desi-nuske and she always stop him to go Jim and advise him that he should do that at home.I’m feed up with al this. She keep interfering in al of our decision, if we stop her then she fight with my hubby and blackmail him that we are going back to India. My hubby already said many time that ok then why don’t u leave in once but then she create another séance and turn the scenario to different mood and starts her lecture that ’chote baro ke aage se nahi boolte “ if u insult us she would do the same,I’will give a slap if u said one more thing. Where can we go we don’t have any other place to go(they have their own home in India and my mother-in-law’s whole maternal family in Canada), give us knife so that I can kill myself and whole chapter is close. To tell the truth it hurts me when she raise her hand on my hubby to slap----she never slapped but she does raise her hand. Now the actual problem is my hubby is only son and he has two sis, who are very supported to their parents and always fight with me if I said something to them even it right according to me. They all are very old fashioned and dominating. Father-in-law is on dialysis which has a condition that he needs to stay in Canada other he will die if don’t get this done every other day. So that’s his life. They have no options to go back in India. Now here if we separate them then we have pay rent and grocery. I just want to share my personal problem here to see what other thing about it, if I’m wrong u can advise me as well and if u thing that she should do that then plz tell me how to stop her to interfere in all matters. Me and my hubby both are feed up from all this. I already took charge of all cooking so that I can see what my family is eating,inspite of that, that I do night shifts and tired in days I cook for my hubby and if I’m cooking for one then it doesn’t look good that I don’t cook for others. I want to wash dishes in dishwasher but she take out all dishes from there and start washing with hands. I don’t know why? If she has to say some thing about kitchen or cooking she talked to my hubby not me. Because according to her she is came to their son’s house and mine and he will look after them. I got very upset when ever she does that. I’m doing what ever they want and spending money like water just to make them happy but still they are complaining to everyone that they are in hell. I’m very upset because that all come to me, if a house is hell then other people must be thing that she is not treating them very good which is not true. What should I do? If I ignore them then I don’t feel good. Now a understand why girls don’t want to live with their inlaws.plz advise some tips. me replied. I think I can help u with a few ideas...see which one works for u...
1) Reasoning out with ur in-laws may not work as they have a different mind set.
2) I feel u should distract ur mother inlaw a little...there must be some social outings/get-togethers/kitty' s that she can join there and meet some fellow indians. Get her to go out of the house a little if possible.
3)While u both women are at home, just work out a system by which u give certain duies of the house to her completely without interfering...things that will not affect ur household too much...share the work in such a way.
4) If u can afford to cook for everyone, go ahead...but if it' s tiring, adopt a system of mentioning exactly what u want to eat on a white board every night etc.. Just mention what u people wld like to eat and request her to cook whats on the white board. Waht she wants to cook for herself, is her choice.
5)You talk to your husband continually about the issue and go for some councelling together to get the strength to talk to your in laws about issues...there are ways which will not harm the peace at home...some conducive decisions.
6) Show ur mom in law that in certain things she is an asset and get her to do things that she is best at. That will lead to all her time getting accupied in contructive things. Talk to her also about ur personal issues once in a while and seek her love and advice...even if u may not really follow all of it. It will bring her to accept u as a daughter more than DIL and maybe she gets less demanding.
7) Take care of ur FIL. He needs u.
8) Do u have children ? Anyway, take time out irrespective of whats up at home, for urself. Enjoy ur life individually and often. Meet friends, or indulge in some hobbies..everything doesn' t cost money. Do what u like very regularly to feel independant.

Take care and things will sort out soon...Nothing lasts forever !