Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hello everyone, please bear with me if this becomes a long post but I am feeling terrible today and I just have to let my feelings out.

I have been married for 8 years and have 2 children. My husband is well edcuated and has a very good job and compared to my family his family is more well off. I am also educated but the only problem is that since I got married I have not worked. The reason for this is that I got pregnant quite soon with my first child and being in North America I would have had to put my child in a day care in order to work and most of my earnings would have gone to the baby sitter. So instead ' we' decided it was better I stay at home and look after our baby. Yet still to keep myself busy I took up an evening job at a nearby mall. It didn' t pay much but I felt good to be able to go away a few evenings and week.

After that we had another child because we thought might as well get it over and done with so they can grow up together. That way 8 years have gone by and I have been home.

The time spent with my children has been precious and very rewarding. They have grown upt to be beautiful children with hardly and tantrums and good routines.

Last year I started a course and am almost qualified have a few more months to go. That means from the new year I will be job hunting and there is no turning back from that point. I don' t think I am ever not going to work now.

But my husband does not see me as an individual anymore. I feel very disrespected by his comments such as:

What did you bring into this marriage no assets or no money (we don' t have any dowry in our culture, ofcourse gifts were exchanged and I brought a lot of gold which my parents gave me). Neither did I know I was expected to bring any money.

2. When we have fights he makes very hurtful statements such as \" you are useless.\" \" You can' t even add two numbers together.\" \" You have not worked a single day since we got married and I have provided everything for you!\" \" You have nothing to show for.\" \" You have done nothing in your life.\" and many more such nasty comments. later on when he cools down he says he didn' t mean it and it was said in anger but the truth is it wasn' t becasue every time we argue it comes up.

He has even made comments like my mother and sister are much better than you, you are no where next to them. This is just because his siter works and his mum worked too all her life.

I would like to know how do I deal with this pain. I think about his remarks everyday and I feel hurt and demeaned.

Isn' t this emotional & verbal abuse? Is this true or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

My husband does work very hard no doubt and he has given us the best. Material things wise I have everything a woman would want, what I don' t have is respect and appreciation as a person.

Please answer to me. Thanks.

Sanjee Kumar replied. Hats off to you Sanjee... am sure, you will find a way out for yourself... see, we men are like that...in anger, even we do not understand what we do/say, and especially with wives, we fight because we love them the most...ofcouse i dont say all that to my wife, but i am also confident that \" in anger\" if i say anything wrong to my wife, its my responsibility to say her Sorry by myself and am confident that she will understand me...

We depend on our wife so much! Its just that you know... at times it happens... of course we too feel sorry about it later...

but am sure, once you graduate, you' ll find an excellent job.

Wish you all the best! Kumar replied. Sanjee,

You said, you had taken up an evening job and you felt good about it. I have a question here, why did you decide to have another child immediately and as you said \" get it over and done\" . If you knew that bringing up kids is not an easy job, then I think, you should have planned, got settled in your career and then might as well, plan for another child. Of course, I understand that \" they will grow up together\" idea is a good one., but where has this idea gotten you?

I do not know about your qualifications, but anyone can ahve a job in America, as you say, your hubby is earning a good salary, then I think money was not an issue for you. in the first place itself, you would have controlled your second pregnancy, so that you would not have lost your confidence and self esteem, and neither you could give a chance to your hubby for saying all that to you.

There must have been many more reasons for your fights, tat ur hubby is sayign all that to you. I dont knowwhich. But yes, he is speaking very rudely. Why dont u remind him abt tthis parttime job, whcih u did after marriage? why dont u tell him that u have brougt up two beautiful kids which he would not have able 2 do.

i wud suggest its upto u to decide what U want to do in life... sit at home and cry abt what happened and wahts happening OR get on ur toes, and start applying for jobs......if that' s the only way out for your problem.

Good luck

Sanjee replied. I really appreciate your feed back.

It' s surprising how being a confident and smart person you can loose your self worth when someone tells u such nasty things often. I have always been compared to not only his mother and sister but every other woman who is working and bringing money home. Doesn' t matter if her kids are dirty, badly behaved and they eat out 3-4 times a week, house is a dump.

As for me the biggest lesson I have learnt in 8 years of marriage is that without a job and money you are no where...not just in your marital life but generally the world has become extremely money minded. I have 3 more months before I graduate and after that there is no turning back!

But thanks for your messages...at least I know I wasn' t making something out of nothing.

sm replied. I could relate to your situation as many of my friends and to some extent I was
in the same boat. At this point it is of no use deciding if your husband is wrong or right
or if you are making a mountian hill out of a mole hill.
U as an individual need to know what you are( it doesnt matter what your husband or anyone
else thinks about U) and what you want to do in life and I am sure you
know where you are heading. You are preparing urself to start a career, so please focus on that
and not give a damn about what others think. Whole world comes along when you know where
you are going and succeed. I know it is hard but be patient, don' t answer back to what he comments or expect him to understand
which he wouldn' t anyways
(Only a woman knows what she is worth.No matter how much you try to explain how hard it is to give up your career
and take care of hosuehold stuff, not all men get it), focus , find a job and feel good about
yourself. I am sure your husband will appreciate and see that he has a wife who is capable and is an achiever.
so please don' t get disheartened and focus on your goal. Ritika replied. Hi Sanjee,

Here' s what I feel...

\" Isn' t this emotional & verbal abuse? \"

Yes. It definitely is. He is making demeaning statements and lowering your self esteem. He is not sticking to just what the original argument is about but battering you down emotionally in every disagreement you have with him. In my book, that is verbal abuse.

\" Is this true or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?\"

Feeling hurt after getting a dose of verbal abuse is NOT making a mountain out of molehill. It is what any emotionally healthy person would do.

\" Last year I started a course and am almost qualified have a few more months to go. That means from the new year I will be job hunting and there is no turning back from that point.\"

Way to go!! You will feel better infinitely after starting work.

Now, as to your husband abusing you with statements about not bringing in any money and not working...next time he does that, tell him that just like he' s working at an office,you' re working at home.

Because you are a Stay-at-home-mom, you save him about $1,30,000+ every year. This is as per a survey done by the website salary...google for \" stay at home worth\" and you' ll get the link. Take a printout and give it to him. Tell him that over 7-8 years it gets to be more than half a million dollars that you have saved him. Tell him not to be ignorant and read about the world. That would increase his knowledge and respect about stay-at-home -parents. By the way, here are the numbers from the survey..

How Much Should a Stay-at-Home Mom Earn?
Job Title National Average Annual Salary
Teacher-Daycare Center $26,891
Van Driver $30,762
Housekeeper $18,750
Cook $31,099
CEO $612,623
Nurse $56,113
General Maintenance Worker $29,656
Base Pay (40 Hours) $43, 461
Overtime Pay (60 Hours) $88,009
Mom' s Annual Salary $131,471


About his comparing you with his mother and sister, next time he compares you to ANYBODY, tell him that just as he is comparing you, similarly, you can also compare and find him wanting. Other men also respect their wives and appreciate the fact that they are staying at home and looking after the children and house. But HE is not doing that. Instead he denigrates you. So where does that put him.

Sometimes, in a fight, you can never say several things you want to say the right way. So what I would do is send him a letter or an email with everything nicely written and putting your thoughts there.

You can put a copy of the salary article on his pillow where he is sure to find it. Or email him a copy. whatever works.

I am a working mom and my hats off to those who have stayed at home for any length of time to look after their kids and take care of their house. It is an unending, always-on-your-toes job and requires all the qualities and patience that a good project manager would need in an office setting.

All the best and don' t feel low anymore. You are going to graduate pretty soon and congrats for that.

As an aside, I know of a woman who had a new born and her husband kept saying stuff like \" what do you do all day\" , \" you' re so lucky, sitting at home and me working and bringing home the dough\" ...after a few weeks of this, she was pretty sick and tired of all these snide comments...so what she did was she handed the 6 week baby to her husband one saturday morning and left him alone for 4-5 hrs. (she of course made sure that he knew how to change diapers and feed the baby a bottle etc). After 5 hours she came home to a harassed looking husband who never ever made another remark of her not working.

:)