My first post on this board and going to be pretty long.Im married for almost 3 yrs,blessed with a month old baby and live with my husband in the US and Im a stay at home mom. MIL is with us for the last 1 month and life could not have been any worse. When I was married ,I was with MIL' s family for only 10 days and left with my husband immediately. This is the first time Ive really been around with MIL. She' s super moody ,extremely reserved and very picky. She has type 2 diabetes and does not excercise control over diet.Now her sugar levels are sky high. She gets irritated pretty soon and keeps a long face and refuses to talk to me for days on end. Its been hardly a month she' s been here and already our relationship is strained. My dh is a nice guy and I love him a lot. I want to keep MIL happy for his sake but she' s driving me nuts. Some days she complains she has nothing to do and keeps saying she wants to go back. I do all the housework and we share cooking. She sulks a lot and cries to FIL and dh over phone that she gets bored here. She knew what she was getting into before she came here ,right? I try to be nice to her but it doesn' t seem to help. She doesn' t talk at all. She answers if I ask her anything. I feel so pressurized to hold a conversation with her all the time,else the silence between us keeps increasing. Honestly,how many times can I be the one to start a conversation? Gimme a break. she interfers a lot in my parenting choices and my dh feels we need to do things her way coz she' s been there and done that.I don' t agree,Im my child' s parent and I make choices and not her. I back my choices with careful research and not just random thoughts and actions.
So ladies,let me know where Im wrong. You can all be honset but please be nice.
There are too many instances,but my post will get too long. I shall list them as part of my answers to your responses.
TIA
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Hi
My first post on this board and going to be pretty long.Im married for almost 3 yrs,blessed with a month old baby and live with my husband in the US and Im a stay at home mom. MIL is with us for the last 1 month and life could not have been any worse. When I was married ,I was with MIL' s family for only 10 days and left with my husband immediately. This is the first time Ive really been around with MIL. She' s super moody ,extremely reserved and very picky. She has type 2 diabetes and does not excercise control over diet.Now her sugar levels are sky high. She gets irritated pretty soon and keeps a long face and refuses to talk to me for days on end. Its been hardly a month she' s been here and already our relationship is strained. My dh is a nice guy and I love him a lot. I want to keep MIL happy for his sake but she' s driving me nuts. Some days she complains she has nothing to do and keeps saying she wants to go back. I do all the housework and we share cooking. She sulks a lot and cries to FIL and dh over phone that she gets bored here. She knew what she was getting into before she came here ,right? I try to be nice to her but it doesn' t seem to help. She doesn' t talk at all. She answers if I ask her anything. I feel so pressurized to hold a conversation with her all the time,else the silence between us keeps increasing. Honestly,how many times can I be the one to start a conversation? Gimme a break. she interfers a lot in my parenting choices and my dh feels we need to do things her way coz she' s been there and done that.I don' t agree,Im my child' s parent and I make choices and not her. I back my choices with careful research and not just random thoughts and actions.
So ladies,let me know where Im wrong. You can all be honset but please be nice.
There are too many instances,but my post will get too long. I shall list them as part of my answers to your responses.
TIA
Trupti replied. Try ignoring her, make other friends, call them at your home. Don' t talk to her. I understand, my MIL is same, talks to everyone besides me.
You are lucky that she' ll go away, I have same problem with both MIL and FIL and they are going to come here forever!! gosh!
Lakshmi replied. Hi
Donot worry. I hope you are breastfeeding your baby . So , donot get into depression by trying to reduce your MIL' s depression. No ladies can suffer like me . I went into deep depression and I am slowly getting rid of that by medication now.
See , the main advice that I can give to men is bring parents after delivery. Always MILs cannot be Mother by anyways.
If you do some action for pleasing your husband and the moment she knows that she' s going take advantage of that which happened in my case.
Leave her in her own way. f she' s not talking , it' s fine. Be relaxed and take care of your baby.
My advice may look awkward but believe me , whatever you do , it' s going to be taken in a different way.
You have not mentioned whether you have SIL' s or not.If so ,the case may be worser more.
if you want some hope or some advice or some console , please write to me lakshmi_latest at yahoo . I am sure I can help you.
Shravani replied. Hi, I think you just have to bear with your MIL. there is nothing much you can do. Just feel lucky that she will be going to India after a few months. I feel your mIL doesnt like the American style of bringing up babies and is not feeling at home here in USA. Its the way she has been conditioned to think and you cannot really help her. So its best to ignore her .
Swapna replied. Thanks for the reply. First off i don' t bf. MIL gave me enough grief for it. Then my baby is 5 months(sorry,typo in the original post) and I' ll be feeding her solids after a couple of weeks. She says I need to feed her only cereal(kanji) for the first yr of life. I' ll not do that. I' ll feed her veggies and fruits and she' s not for it.
I do have Indian channels at home ,but she' s used to a variety of them and can' t watch one. She keeps bickering all the time about it. I' ve subscribed to a couple of online mags and offered to print them at home for her, but no she does not read them. She reads some others, what the hell? I try to go for a walk during the day with her if baby is awake but still there' s this stony silence between us. I keep pointing things to her on the way and she always gives only a curt nod.
xyz replied. hi,
im in a same situation as yours.im also sick and tired of my MIL tantrums.She is also very moody and gets irritated quite often.
She wants everything her way.and if we dont listen she tells FIL,but makes things do by hook or crook.All the time cribbing...i have seriously started ignoring her and now dont even initiate to talk with her.let her go to hell.
i only focus on my husband needs and try to keep him happy the way i can..by cooking food,smiling and making him feel happy..i dont care whether she feels jealous or what.her only motive is that me and hubby should remain in stress and diffculty so that they get importance by finding solutions to our problem.
even my MIL is diabetic..she went to doctor to get her heart check up because she had brething problems while walking doctor said there is nothing wrong with her,she has put on 10 kgs...needs to reduce.the whole day she watches TV and those stupid saas bahu serials which stick into her head.
once i old her why dosent she read magazines and some newspaper to pass her time..but she is not inerested in reading...only inerested in chatting and gossiping.And the maximum knowledge she has about ONE topic is.......PREGNENCY.SEX AND INTERCOURSE.she can talk and guide u hours on this issue.u can imagine how irriting its for me.sometimes i feel akward also but it seems she is Dumbo.very childish,emotional and sensitive.but what to do...thats my fate.
dont worry all women face such situations.i can only say u r not wrong..just ignore her and focus on your life.dont disrespect or misbehave..but JUST IGNORE.
Ritika replied. Hi Swapna,
First of all, Congrats on becoming a mom! :)
I don' t think you are doing anything wrong. It is just that your MIL seems to be very homesick and as a result is behaving like a kid i.e. sulking etc.
I feel she could help you more around the house to keep herself busy...what about the baby? Is she taking care of it sometime? That might also occupy her...
If possible, get some indian channels via dish network..that will also help alleviate her boredom..or if that is not possible, get lots of indian cassettes or magazines. You can order the magazines online if needed.
My mom was here for a couple of months and she also got really bored most of the time...then I got the Indian channels and after that she was happy as can be...in your case of course her being yr MIL makes a whole lot of a difference in her attitude towards you...
If you can tell us the major areas where your disagreements with her crop up, maybe one of us can suggest specific solutions...but as of now, all I can suggest is to keep her occupied by TV, housework, magazines etc. You can also go for a walk during the day with the baby...getting out of the house for sometime will also help (assuming you are not already doing so)...
You can also hire a local nanny service for a part time nanny to come and help you. That way you can rely less on your MIL and if she really gets on your nerves and keeps cribbing to be sent back, you can tell her that she can if she wants to.
I know how exhausting it is right now for you and instead of being taken care of, your MIL is just emotionally draining you...just hang in there and hopefully things will be better soon...
2007-08-11
#1
Name: Trupti Subject: ignore
Try ignoring her, make other friends, call them at your home. Don' t talk to her. I understand, my MIL is same, talks to everyone besides me.
You are lucky that she' ll go away, I have same problem with both MIL and FIL and they are going to come here forever!! gosh!
2007-08-09
#2
Name: Lakshmi Subject: Donot worry
Hi
Donot worry. I hope you are breastfeeding your baby . So , donot get into depression by trying to reduce your MIL' s depression. No ladies can suffer like me . I went into deep depression and I am slowly getting rid of that by medication now.
See , the main advice that I can give to men is bring parents after delivery. Always MILs cannot be Mother by anyways.
If you do some action for pleasing your husband and the moment she knows that she' s going take advantage of that which happened in my case.
Leave her in her own way. f she' s not talking , it' s fine. Be relaxed and take care of your baby.
My advice may look awkward but believe me , whatever you do , it' s going to be taken in a different way.
You have not mentioned whether you have SIL' s or not.If so ,the case may be worser more.
if you want some hope or some advice or some console , please write to me lakshmi_latest at yahoo . I am sure I can help you.
2007-08-10
#3
Name: Swapna Subject: Thanks
lakshmi, for your words. Im getting the hang of living with MIL. But it´ s only temporary. I´ ll suck it up for the next 3 months. I don´ t breastfeed. I have 2 SILs (dh´ s sis and sis in law) but they are in India and will not come to visit me.
Hugs and GL to you.
2007-08-09
#4
Name: Shravani Subject: Hi
Hi, I think you just have to bear with your MIL. there is nothing much you can do. Just feel lucky that she will be going to India after a few months. I feel your mIL doesnt like the American style of bringing up babies and is not feeling at home here in USA. Its the way she has been conditioned to think and you cannot really help her. So its best to ignore her .
2007-08-08
#5
Name: Swapna Subject: Ritika
Thanks for the reply. First off i don' t bf. MIL gave me enough grief for it. Then my baby is 5 months(sorry,typo in the original post) and I' ll be feeding her solids after a couple of weeks. She says I need to feed her only cereal(kanji) for the first yr of life. I' ll not do that. I' ll feed her veggies and fruits and she' s not for it.
I do have Indian channels at home ,but she' s used to a variety of them and can' t watch one. She keeps bickering all the time about it. I' ve subscribed to a couple of online mags and offered to print them at home for her, but no she does not read them. She reads some others, what the hell? I try to go for a walk during the day with her if baby is awake but still there' s this stony silence between us. I keep pointing things to her on the way and she always gives only a curt nod.
2007-08-09
#6
Name: Ritika Subject: Huh!
Just great! Apna depression hatane ke liye doosron ko depress kar do..
Seriously it would be really funny if it wasn´ t so sad.
Try taking her to temples etc on weekends where she can meet other ladies her age...maybe she is very lonely and her crabby nature is making it worse.
And if her depression is really serious, then maybe you can take her to the doctor..at least for an initial consultation..she might need medication or counseling. Or on second thoughts, she might chew you out for this suggestion... so check with hubby and ask him to suggest. :)
2007-08-09
#7
Name: Swapna Subject: nope
my mom was here for my delivery. She came about a month back. Apparently she´ s here on a vacation to help her from depression that she suffered back home !!!
2007-08-09
#8
Name: Ritika Subject: Re:
My goodness...she should see " Grumpy Old Men" .. )
3 more months..uff...my sympathies..
Is there any reason why she has to stay for so long? since she´ s already been there for 5 months (I´ m assuming that she came just before yr delivery)...and the atmosphere in the house is just growing worse...why spoil yr relationship further...just let her go back home...
Take care...
2007-08-09
#9
Name: Swapna Subject: For Ritika-again
Tq again for taking the time out to repond. The other day she made a big fuss to have dinner. She snapped at me for nothing and refused to come for dinner. Me and dh were literally pleading her to come and eat. She eventually came with a high temper and did not speak to me over the weekend. All this becoz I didnt serve her lunch that afternoon.
She does act moody and haughty in front of dh too. But he would never ever admit it. He says I need to get used to her,get used to living with in laws just like his dear little sister. Well ,I dont have to if I didnt want to.
Im planning to take her to the ped for my DD´ s 6 month visit and get the A OK for her diet.That´ ll shut her up for good.
It´ s going to be 3 longest months of my life until MIL leaves.
No wonder BIL´ s wife ran away to her parents after 2 yrs of life with MIL and FIL. That would be another interestting gossip on the board ,lol.
If you can´ t repond to this message ,that´ s OK.
Hugs to you and GL
2007-08-09
#10
Name: Ritika Subject: Re:
Your MIL sounds like a nightmare! *hugs to you* Does she behave like this in front of your husband too? Like ignoring you and being moody...
Tell your MIL that if the baby was born in India, she would have had even worse trouble than here because of the hot weather, light outages etc. So babies in India don´ t cry and scream, according to her..what humbug!
And ask yr husband to ask his mom to cook breakfast and dinner as well if possible...say that the baby is sick and you want to be with her for a longer time..right now half yr time is spend in the kitchen doing chores...
When is she leaving? If she is here for some more months, you can even take her to the pediatrician and ask the doc to tell her that babies shd be fed veggies and fruits along with cereal. When it comes from a doc, she might be more amenable to such suggestions.
But hey, if she still persists in being a bear, tell her to go back home if that´ s what is going to make her happy..believe me, you don´ t need this stress...
Get a part time nanny/baby sitter for a few hrs a week..and it will be good for you. I do that and its been really great so far...
2007-08-08
#11
Name: swapna Subject: continued for Ritika
She says she can´ t do any household chores (not used to things here) and only cooks(I do bfast and dinner,she does lunch) and I end up doing all laundry,cleaning,taking out the trash et all. I hardly spend time with my baby at all. she was developmentally very ahead and now she´ s on schedule for her age. she does not play with my baby,just put her on the mat with toys or hold her. Moreover MIL has a horrible cold that´ s not going away ,but she still kisses my baby all the time. Now my dd is down with cold for the last 3 days,not eating and sleeping and fussy all the time. SIGH. She cannot get my dd to sleep and once she gets overtired and starts to scream ,she gives her to me. I can´ t get her down either and all at home are miserable.
And her all time fav ,If only the baby was born in India ,she would have been so different. She´ s an American baby ,that´ s why ...all this with a snort or a sarcastic tone.
Oops,its´ s gotten too long.im winding up and sorry for the novel.
2007-08-08
#12
Name: xyz Subject: ignore
hi,
im in a same situation as yours.im also sick and tired of my MIL tantrums.She is also very moody and gets irritated quite often.
She wants everything her way.and if we dont listen she tells FIL,but makes things do by hook or crook.All the time cribbing...i have seriously started ignoring her and now dont even initiate to talk with her.let her go to hell.
i only focus on my husband needs and try to keep him happy the way i can..by cooking food,smiling and making him feel happy..i dont care whether she feels jealous or what.her only motive is that me and hubby should remain in stress and diffculty so that they get importance by finding solutions to our problem.
even my MIL is diabetic..she went to doctor to get her heart check up because she had brething problems while walking doctor said there is nothing wrong with her,she has put on 10 kgs...needs to reduce.the whole day she watches TV and those stupid saas bahu serials which stick into her head.
once i old her why dosent she read magazines and some newspaper to pass her time..but she is not inerested in reading...only inerested in chatting and gossiping.And the maximum knowledge she has about ONE topic is.......PREGNENCY.SEX AND INTERCOURSE.she can talk and guide u hours on this issue.u can imagine how irriting its for me.sometimes i feel akward also but it seems she is Dumbo.very childish,emotional and sensitive.but what to do...thats my fate.
dont worry all women face such situations.i can only say u r not wrong..just ignore her and focus on your life.dont disrespect or misbehave..but JUST IGNORE.
2007-08-08
#13
Name: swapna Subject: I tried
ignoring her ,but it does not work out. If I don´ t talk to her ,my dh comes to know about it and he does´ nt take it too kindly. He keeps telling me that I need to accomodate her ,but does´ nt understand what I go thru. Another indian male,that´ s all. He´ s not happy if his mom is not.
Hey ,about your MIL, I can´ t understand how she talks about sex and other things. I´ d be mortified if it were me.
My hugs to you.
2007-08-08
#14
Name: Ritika Subject: Just Hang in There
Hi Swapna,
First of all, Congrats on becoming a mom! :)
I don' t think you are doing anything wrong. It is just that your MIL seems to be very homesick and as a result is behaving like a kid i.e. sulking etc.
I feel she could help you more around the house to keep herself busy...what about the baby? Is she taking care of it sometime? That might also occupy her...
If possible, get some indian channels via dish network..that will also help alleviate her boredom..or if that is not possible, get lots of indian cassettes or magazines. You can order the magazines online if needed.
My mom was here for a couple of months and she also got really bored most of the time...then I got the Indian channels and after that she was happy as can be...in your case of course her being yr MIL makes a whole lot of a difference in her attitude towards you...
If you can tell us the major areas where your disagreements with her crop up, maybe one of us can suggest specific solutions...but as of now, all I can suggest is to keep her occupied by TV, housework, magazines etc. You can also go for a walk during the day with the baby...getting out of the house for sometime will also help (assuming you are not already doing so)...
You can also hire a local nanny service for a part time nanny to come and help you. That way you can rely less on your MIL and if she really gets on your nerves and keeps cribbing to be sent back, you can tell her that she can if she wants to.
I know how exhausting it is right now for you and instead of being taken care of, your MIL is just emotionally draining you...just hang in there and hopefully things will be better soon...
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