I want to ask one thing from all women. Why do they leave their parents and home for somebody else when they marry? Why can't women be strong enough to resist this biased \";rule\"; of society?
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I want to ask one thing from all women. Why do they leave their parents and home for somebody else when they marry? Why can't women be strong enough to resist this biased \";rule\"; of society?
arthi replied. hi
i was reading this discussion with great interest.
my opinion abt ur 1st q is...indian woman once matured is mentally prepared to leave her home after her marriage...she thinks of having rest of her life with hubby and kids...INLAWS DOESN'T COME INTO THE PICTURE..that doesn't mean she doesn't care abt them.she wants to manage home and kids in her own way...this independence she loses when she is with her inlaws....wat i feel is indian man should have the will and guts to leave his parents and have a life of his own after marriage...and not keep sticking with his parents forever..thats wat a man should be...and then only he is a man..if he has the will to stay seperate, he will surly find the way instead of making excuses...that doesn't mean problems will end..infact new problems may crop up..but that is wat life is..but atleast man made effort to have seperate life which will make his woman proud of him.....indian man,grow up...start preparing for staying seperatly from your parents after marriage .
AN replied. I agree with you juvinile when you say that women are less egoist and flexible so she can adjust in a new family,thats very logical, but problem starts when her new relations don't give her enough time to adjust and start nitpicking on her. I can understand everbody want a 'sunder and susheel' bahu,, BUT try to understand her, respect her feelings, don't make her feel that she is imprisoned. instead boy's family should try to create an atmosphere where she can feel at home and feel comfortable, on the other hand slowly tell her to learn about your family values. if YOU can't do this sitting in your own home for just one person THINK how difficult it would be for one person to do it for so many and that too in somebody elses' house.
then comes the problem of partition,if you have failed to keep her happy in ur home, she will definitely try to ask you to move somewhere else and because after leaving her parents after marriage YOU are the only person in her life,she has to take you with her. now its up to you how you convince her or your parents.
so learn diplomacy to keep everyone happy and not to hurt anyone....
AN replied. Hi juvinile!!
sorry, i lost touch on weekends,was busy with my hubby...
I think the only solution is,,,,,give enough love and respect to all your relations. I think if your love to ur wife is true u will grow love for everyone,,she loves(be a bit diplomat to keep her happy). I want to ask u something, Do you write all these messages in the presence of your wife????
just be truthful to urself!!!!
always remember \";whtever you give to others,you get the same thing back\";.
so if u want love from others, you must learn to love first.
be happy
Woman replied. Why the heck must you be in the women's issue column. You are a man, just leave this column for ourselve to take care. We want to interact amoung us not just to answer your stupid questions. Go find something with man!!!!1
Myself replied. Somedays back, there was a person in this website who used to be so rude and unkind to people, named \";hsml\";. That person disappeared and now reincarnated as \";juvinile\";. Don't you guys think so?
grown up replied. Hello juvenile. Wake up to adulthood. Your mother has successfully finished the task of making you a capable man. Now its your job to take charge of your family life. Your wife is mature enough to handle the responsibilities of family life and hence she has left her parents. When a woman leaves her parents she still loves them and talks to them as friends. Its not that a woman is bold or insensitive by asking her husband to leave his parents, but she wants her husband to understand her situation. Don't take your wife's love for granted. Women sob because their grown up husbands dont understand their situation. Marriage is not a package deal.
AN replied. hi juvinile!!!
first of all i would like to answer your first question, most of the women want their husbands to leave their parents,may be because they also think of the revolution which you are talking about. but their way of doing it is different,(they do it indirectly) they don't want to hurt their husbands on the other hand they try to keep a distance from their in laws. they never want to break all relations without a very big reason.they just don't want the outside interference in their personal lives.
your second Ques. I do feel pity for indian girls who think that its their destiny to leave parents after marriage, I do include myself coz I am going through the same,BUT I can do anything to please my husband, so I am trying to cope with it slowly,and I must say that his love is very much enough to make me forget anything.
but all the girls are not that fortunate.
I think after having kids and \";my own family\"; feeling girls forget about her parents.....But indian men should realise this that she will forget them herself and try not to put restrictions when she is 'just married' and needs someone who can give her all the love and care which she has got from her parents.
Your wife still miss her parents either because you are putting much restrictions to keep her away from her parents or you don't love her enough.
mind it.....!!!! thanks for reading.
AN replied. Hi juvinile!!
I really feel pity for indian girls,coz
I have gone through the same, I am married for 1 and 1/2 yrs.I am only daughter to my parents, I have met my parents just for 10 days after marriage,coz my in-laws don't want me to be in contact with them anymore, according to them after marriage a girl should forget her parents.
I miss my brothers and parents so much but I never make my in laws feel that I am missing them. they don't have any girl in their family so they just can't imagine how difficult it is.
My husband loves me like anything but he loves his family more than anyhting else. So he always agrees with his parents whatever they say whether its right or wrong. sometimes he behaves like a kid b4 his parents.
I make calls to my parents once in 15 or 20 days. sometimes I think I have lost everything,there is no one for me except my husband in this whole world.
Anyway I have accepted all this right after my marriage for the sake of my parents coz I promised them to keep everyone happy in my \";sasuraal\";. they never interfere in my family matters niether i ever discuss anything with them.
I give all my love and respect to my
in-laws,(reason)is to keep my husband happy. but I do miss my parents and cant say this to anyone.
I just want to ask all the indian men who read this, how would they feel if they are asked to finish all the contacts with their parents, or if their sister goes through the same, or if thier own daughter got to go through this???????????????????
I think they have to be a bit liberal for thier own sake.
honest replied. Yes, it is right that the tradition of girl leaving is out dated and unfair on girl's family. This is only confined to Asian community, not only indians but others too. However, if u were to reverse the tradition and had men live with girls parents, men wouldn't cope well at all. So i guess keeping mens' personalities, the tradition is quite a practical one. As women are more adaptable and better home makers. However, if anyone gets the choice of staying with their family and husband joins in the household, why not!!
Till the time we will view things in light of what the world will say...we won't be able to break through...so if someone can make a difference, they should start by following what their heart says.
HALLO replied. This Exists Only in Indian Society
2003-11-04
#1
Name: arthi Subject: grow up!
hi
i was reading this discussion with great interest.
my opinion abt ur 1st q is...indian woman once matured is mentally prepared to leave her home after her marriage...she thinks of having rest of her life with hubby and kids...INLAWS DOESN'T COME INTO THE PICTURE..that doesn't mean she doesn't care abt them.she wants to manage home and kids in her own way...this independence she loses when she is with her inlaws....wat i feel is indian man should have the will and guts to leave his parents and have a life of his own after marriage...and not keep sticking with his parents forever..thats wat a man should be...and then only he is a man..if he has the will to stay seperate, he will surly find the way instead of making excuses...that doesn't mean problems will end..infact new problems may crop up..but that is wat life is..but atleast man made effort to have seperate life which will make his woman proud of him.....indian man,grow up...start preparing for staying seperatly from your parents after marriage .
2003-11-05
#2
Name: arthi Subject: answer
juvinile, i'm not in US...but yes..i'm staying with my hubby away from inlaws
2003-11-04
#3
Name: juvinile Subject: reply
Arthi, you are definitely living in US with your hubby, away from your in laws. Right?
2003-11-03
#4
Name: AN Subject: BUT
I agree with you juvinile when you say that women are less egoist and flexible so she can adjust in a new family,thats very logical, but problem starts when her new relations don't give her enough time to adjust and start nitpicking on her. I can understand everbody want a 'sunder and susheel' bahu,, BUT try to understand her, respect her feelings, don't make her feel that she is imprisoned. instead boy's family should try to create an atmosphere where she can feel at home and feel comfortable, on the other hand slowly tell her to learn about your family values. if YOU can't do this sitting in your own home for just one person THINK how difficult it would be for one person to do it for so many and that too in somebody elses' house.
then comes the problem of partition,if you have failed to keep her happy in ur home, she will definitely try to ask you to move somewhere else and because after leaving her parents after marriage YOU are the only person in her life,she has to take you with her. now its up to you how you convince her or your parents.
so learn diplomacy to keep everyone happy and not to hurt anyone....
2003-11-03
#5
Name: AN Subject: the only solution!!!!
Hi juvinile!!
sorry, i lost touch on weekends,was busy with my hubby...
I think the only solution is,,,,,give enough love and respect to all your relations. I think if your love to ur wife is true u will grow love for everyone,,she loves(be a bit diplomat to keep her happy). I want to ask u something, Do you write all these messages in the presence of your wife????
just be truthful to urself!!!!
always remember \";whtever you give to others,you get the same thing back\";.
so if u want love from others, you must learn to love first.
be happy
2003-11-03
#6
Name: juvinile Subject: reply
Hi AN,
No I dont write this in presence of my wife. I am trying to find a solution for a problem in our life.
Actually I was thinking about this problem. The reason why both cannot leave their parents is lack of funds. Leaving both parents means that they will have to buy or rent a new house for their own family. For rich people it is ok or like in american society it is ok, but in India it is difficult. So either husband or wife has to live in parents house. Since women are considered to be more flexible and less egoist it was womrn who were made to leave their parents and "adjust" in new family and house. This seems to be perfectly logical. what do you say?
That means boy's leaving his parents would not be a practical solution for everyone.
So that means it has to be continued like this???
and telling you about diplomacy, I am quite diplomatic, but still I am tired of diplomacy now. The problems dont seem to end.
2003-10-31
#7
Name: Woman Subject: Leave us alone
Why the heck must you be in the women's issue column. You are a man, just leave this column for ourselve to take care. We want to interact amoung us not just to answer your stupid questions. Go find something with man!!!!1
2003-10-31
#8
Name: juvinile Subject: reply
Woman, you really dont have a sense of sport. I have raised a women's issue only. I expect some sensible women out here to present their viewpoint and not feminists like you to just write whatever junk comes to their minds. I never accused anybody, nor did I degrade anybody here, then what is the problem with you. You should learn discussion ettiquette first. thanks
2003-10-31
#9
Name: Myself Subject: Just a thought
Somedays back, there was a person in this website who used to be so rude and unkind to people, named \";hsml\";. That person disappeared and now reincarnated as \";juvinile\";. Don't you guys think so?
2003-10-31
#10
Name: juvinile Subject: reply
Sorry Myself I dont like such type of accusations. I just started a discussion and sincerely want to know the perspective of a woman wanting to marry. I dont think I am being rude. If such a discussion doesnt suit you, then please dont comment. thanks
2003-10-31
#11
Name: grown up Subject: reply
Hello juvenile. Wake up to adulthood. Your mother has successfully finished the task of making you a capable man. Now its your job to take charge of your family life. Your wife is mature enough to handle the responsibilities of family life and hence she has left her parents. When a woman leaves her parents she still loves them and talks to them as friends. Its not that a woman is bold or insensitive by asking her husband to leave his parents, but she wants her husband to understand her situation. Don't take your wife's love for granted. Women sob because their grown up husbands dont understand their situation. Marriage is not a package deal.
2003-10-31
#12
Name: juvinile Subject: reply
Thanks for replying.
But what is the situation that you are talking of. Where have I missed understanding anything. After all I cannot replace her parents. Do you mean the same thing that I should leave my parents? I didnt actually get your point.
When you say marriage is not a package deal, do you mean that I cannot get everything I want, like my parents, my wife and peace between the two?
Do you have a solution?
2003-10-31
#13
Name: AN Subject: reply.....
hi juvinile!!!
first of all i would like to answer your first question, most of the women want their husbands to leave their parents,may be because they also think of the revolution which you are talking about. but their way of doing it is different,(they do it indirectly) they don't want to hurt their husbands on the other hand they try to keep a distance from their in laws. they never want to break all relations without a very big reason.they just don't want the outside interference in their personal lives.
your second Ques. I do feel pity for indian girls who think that its their destiny to leave parents after marriage, I do include myself coz I am going through the same,BUT I can do anything to please my husband, so I am trying to cope with it slowly,and I must say that his love is very much enough to make me forget anything.
but all the girls are not that fortunate.
I think after having kids and \";my own family\"; feeling girls forget about her parents.....But indian men should realise this that she will forget them herself and try not to put restrictions when she is 'just married' and needs someone who can give her all the love and care which she has got from her parents.
Your wife still miss her parents either because you are putting much restrictions to keep her away from her parents or you don't love her enough.
mind it.....!!!! thanks for reading.
2003-10-31
#14
Name: juvinile Subject: reply
Hi AN, thanks for reply. I am agreeing to some extent to your point. Actually We should accept one basic fact that "Parents in Law cannot be Parents" whether it is boys parents of girls parents, what do you say? I can give you an example. Suppose your parents at this stage adopted a child of the same age as you are now. Wouldnt they feel any difference between you and the adopted child? To treat both of you equally is possible but to feel the same for both of you is perhaps not possible. I think that is true for 99% of such cases. What is your opinion? Similarly when a bahu comes to sasural, she is just like an adopted girl but she cannot take place of daughter. is that right? Or if you take the other way round. if men leave their parents and live in wife's home, it will again be the same case. (The story will be slightly different in this case because we give a great status to damaad in India)
Next thing is that the girl herself wont get a feeling of a daughter in her husbands home. Simply because you cannot have two fathers or two mothers at the same time. It is out of mind to think like that.
That means the relations between bahu and her in laws will always be sort of formal. Please note I am not justifying in laws bad hehaviour here.
So if an indian girl wanting to marry doesnt ask his husband to leave his parents as she would do, then after marriage she should not bring that topic again and neither should she do so indirectly. If she has done compromise at the very outset she should continue doing that. Or in other words, just make it a precondition of marriage that his husband should live separately after marriage. What is true for goose shoudl be true for geese.
2003-10-31
#15
Name: AN Subject: R U a male or female,juvinile?
Hi juvinile!!
I really feel pity for indian girls,coz
I have gone through the same, I am married for 1 and 1/2 yrs.I am only daughter to my parents, I have met my parents just for 10 days after marriage,coz my in-laws don't want me to be in contact with them anymore, according to them after marriage a girl should forget her parents.
I miss my brothers and parents so much but I never make my in laws feel that I am missing them. they don't have any girl in their family so they just can't imagine how difficult it is.
My husband loves me like anything but he loves his family more than anyhting else. So he always agrees with his parents whatever they say whether its right or wrong. sometimes he behaves like a kid b4 his parents.
I make calls to my parents once in 15 or 20 days. sometimes I think I have lost everything,there is no one for me except my husband in this whole world.
Anyway I have accepted all this right after my marriage for the sake of my parents coz I promised them to keep everyone happy in my \";sasuraal\";. they never interfere in my family matters niether i ever discuss anything with them.
I give all my love and respect to my
in-laws,(reason)is to keep my husband happy. but I do miss my parents and cant say this to anyone.
I just want to ask all the indian men who read this, how would they feel if they are asked to finish all the contacts with their parents, or if their sister goes through the same, or if thier own daughter got to go through this???????????????????
I think they have to be a bit liberal for thier own sake.
2003-10-31
#16
Name: juvinile Subject: reply
Actually there is a strong point in your post, when you ask men how do they feel when they miss their parents?
You see it is a very complicated situation. Most of the women want (as you can see from this forum) that men should leave their parents after marriage. If women can understand the pain of parents missing their children or children missing their parents how can they be so indifferent when it comes to their husbands?
2003-10-31
#17
Name: juvinile Subject: reply
Hi AN,
I am a male. But my concern is for my wife. She feels EXACTLY the same as you have mentioned in your post. I have become so much important for her in life that even if I do or say something wrong she feels it very badly. Her whole world is centered around me now after her marriage. This is because of the situation she has been lead to because of the concept called Indian Marriage.
For my life I dont think I can do much, since I am a coward (as somebody pointed out) and cannot leave my parents as she did. But I would like to see a revolution by all girls to boycott marriage on this condition that they wont leave their parents. Why dont the so called "bold" girls do that instead of sobbing for the same after marriage, I am surprised. Women who talk to equality with men, why dont they have answer for this?
You also feel pity for indian girls and include yourself in the same set. Why????
2003-10-30
#18
Name: honest Subject: Practical view
Yes, it is right that the tradition of girl leaving is out dated and unfair on girl's family. This is only confined to Asian community, not only indians but others too. However, if u were to reverse the tradition and had men live with girls parents, men wouldn't cope well at all. So i guess keeping mens' personalities, the tradition is quite a practical one. As women are more adaptable and better home makers. However, if anyone gets the choice of staying with their family and husband joins in the household, why not!!
Till the time we will view things in light of what the world will say...we won't be able to break through...so if someone can make a difference, they should start by following what their heart says.
2003-10-30
#19
Name: HALLO Subject: Exists Only in Indian Society
This Exists Only in Indian Society
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grow up!
Name: arthi
answer
Leave us alone
R U a male or female,juvinile?
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