Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,
I was wondering is someone out her could give me advice. I have been married for 6 yrs and my marriage has had many ups and downs. We have a 2 yrs old son. My husband ir a great person and at the same time he is not that great. Over all these years r major reason of fights is either his family or mine. I have always treated his parents with respect and when ever they have come visited us i have always shown them love and affection.This part my husband also agrees. I call them regularly, infact at one point their complain was that their son didn't talk to them and only i talked.

My problem starts that i love my parents a lot and they r very nice people....but my husband is always nitpicking on then. And it hurts me a lot and i totallty lose it with him. Everything became worse when i was pregnant. My mom (we live in the US and they live in UK) was coming for my dilevery. My husband wanted her to come for 2 months but she was able to come only for 1 month (reason: my dad has a traveling job and my younger brother is still in school and needs my mom's help) anyway...i didn't have a problem with it but my husband made it into an issue and things got strained and we had such bad fights and then i went into premature labour. they were able to stop the dilvery but i was put on bedrest for a month. My mom came and took care of us and finally landed up staying for 2 months.
But till this day, my husband says that my parents treated him badly. He says that my parents don't love me and love only my brother. He doedn't want anything to do with them. He doesn't want to go visit them. It took months and months before he started talking properly on the phone with them. And he is always complaing about them. He has not shown any respect to my parents. He never calls them but expcets them to call and if they don't he starts off by saying that the don't talk to me. The final straw came yesterday when he told me he is not comfortable my parents visiting us the next summer. I have already told ny parents 3 times not to come. We just bought a new house and i want them to come.
I am so upset that i am seriously considering leaving him. I get so depressed with his attitude that i can't function time to time. I have got his family involved and everyone in his family is on my side. My fil has told him that he needs to start afesh. And forget about everything.
I am still trying to understand what went so wrong cause i cannot figure out how my parents treated him bad.
While my mom was here...he barely talked to her. she made breakfast, lunch and dinner for him. talked to him nicely. at the end she cut short her stay by 2 weeks as he made it v stressful.

Every time we have a fight and he says that i ask him what is it that was so wrong and he doesn't answer me. He just keeps repeating with no proper answer or says it is sad that i don't know. I REALLY DON\";T KNOW!!!!!
we fight about this so often that it is making me miserble.
Any ideas about how i can deal with this. I have tried ignoring it, but it keeps getting worse. talking is getting us no where.
I am not going to stop loving my parents just because i married him.
Any suggestions.
he says he loves me....but why does he do this to me then. a married friend replied. HI Meenu. I am married woman with a kid and live in UK. My husband likes me having a good relationship with his mum but doesn't make the effort with my mum. Since my mum visited me from India, I realised that this wouldn't happen, he will not attend to my mum like I did to his mum and family. So I took a back seat, meaning, did only what I could do without discomfort. Then things didn't hurt so much. Even now, mum and sister etc call, he doesn't talk to them properly. It bothers me but then I don't go out of my way to please his family. So it a strange kind of way, one learns to live with it.
But if ur husband loves u and u have a good life with him minus these family tensions, u shouldn't give up on him. UR son does need his dad around and if he is a good father, u ought to give him another chance.
U never know, with ur son growing up, he will talk more to his nana nani and then u will feel closer to them again. If hubby don't want ur parents to visit, maybe u should make a trip down to UK with ur son but don't give up on family or husband as both are important to make ur life complete.
BTW, do ur in laws live near in US? Maybe he feels left out and threatned as his own family is not about so behaves strangely? He won't admit it, so don't fight no more on these issues and give it a second thought.
All the best.
Ovia J replied. It's not easy or fair to you as your husband wants to only take but not giving in to you or your family. It's very childish of him to say that your parents only love your bro but not you. After all the things your mum have done for your family and he dosen't give any respect or appreciation for that, then you have to let him 'taste of his own medicine'.Give the cold shoulder to his family, and when he realises something is wrong & picks a fight with you. Just give a big surprise look & say \";I thought it's ok since that's how you behave towards my family,but if you think it's wrong of me then I'm really really sorry, but I just hope you will be a little nicer to mum too,since she have only one daughter, if it's not for us then they won't have anyone\";. Try to work things out with your husband. We women have to be a little 'cunning' to make things work out our way.
Regarding, reading of the books that was suggested, I guess you won't have time for that, when your heart's aching. My dear, how are you going to tell your problems to wait till you have finish reading the book??
Think of your kid. Don't rush into any decision. Life is to live. juvinile replied. Well, it is not easy to reply to your problem. One suggestion would be to discuss openly and peacefully. After all you both love each other, but still there are fights. One thing I know is the basis of all these fights is lack of communication or misinterpretation. man and woman are two different species with two different minds and bodies. So whatever you see(percieve) and hear(listen/understand) is totally different from his perception and understanding. Please read \";Why Men dont listen and Women cant read maps\"; by Allan and Barbara Pease. and \";Men are from Mars and Women from Venus\";. They will surely help a bit. But before that ask your hubby that you sincerely want to resolve this issue so he also read these books.