Relationships  Discussion Forum

Jasmine,
This is exactly the double standard that i face all the time. Doesnt matter if u stay in India or US, it is always there. The same rule doesnt apply to his parents or family! So unjust! And if we reason out then they say u should not compare, both are different! How is it different? The basic problem with guys here is that there are so nice and the husbands we expect them to be when htey are alone wiht us. But when their parents are with them - i dont know how or why - they change completely and behave in a manner that will please their parents and hurt us so much. Now we really love and respect our husbands so much but it's so unfair that they act that way in front of their parents.
why? because men cannot handle conflict - between wife and mother. And i dont know why they think that if they need to take sides they should side their mom.

All u people who understand how it is to be over-shadowed by mother-in-laws...
What is it with these MILs? Why do they have to get their sons married if they want him to dance to their tunes always?
And these men - if htey know that their mother is possessive about them - why should they marry and spoil the life of a girl? why can they rather stay single and support and satisfy their moms? And i dont even want to start about those men who would rather-marry-their-mom!
I am not generalising about MILs but there are very few people who can say i really like my MIL! why so? why cant they treat their daughter-in-laws just like they would expect for their own daughter? If the daughter and her husband display any initimate emotions in public...MIL claims \";oh how romantic they are!!!\"; but u do the same with her son..u get a \";oh how disgusting...dont do it in public\";..all this for just a hug!!! why?
they claim to be so cool before marriage but after we come into their family...they are as conservative as can be. I think this is a good time and place to talk your heart out. So please do.

Dear Concerned -

I feel as though I have just looked into the mirror. How many of us are there!!

I really don't understand what I can do. I know I am about to get into a fight with my husband b/c we have to attend a family function (my side) soon and his parents are staying with us from India. Well I explained that we already confirmed that we will be going knowing full well that his parents would/may still be here with us. They are not invited to this function. He wants to only go for one hour and then leave. I said that was being unfair, that I would like to go for longer and my cousin has made all the arrangements based on our RSVP. I told him that I don't think his parents will mind if he only spoke to them. He got upset and said that I was being unfair, that he compromised by saying that we were going and staying for one hour. God forbid the day I say that about a family function from his family's side.

U r so right. Their claim that their daughter's have suffered more than us is so true. My mil once said to me..."My daughter's life is not a bed of roses like yours" . I wish i had said only if u let it be!!! They cant stop talking praises about hteir daughters. Even if we are in the US i am not spared of the usual irritable, intolerant attitude of my MIL - their daughter can come and stay whenever and however long but us - we have to stay mostly with them as now we are MARRIED! my husband doesnt stay 50% of his india vacation with my parents(i dont expect him to) so why cant we stay longer with our parents. 1 thing they forget is that we are married to them - not their family. And another thing i have realised is that in-laws dont show their true nature in front of hteir sons. THey ACT as though i couldnt ask for better in-laws...only when the son is not around do they behave bad towards the DIL. It takes us some time to figure out their dirty scheme, but by then the son is already convinced that we r the trouble-makers. And they pamper the son to an extent which leads the son to think that his mom are angels and we r the arrogant devils.
My point is...i wont interfere in your mother-son relationship. likewise i dont like interference in a husband-wife relationship. If we r expected to even cough asking our MILs permission then there is no meaning to our existence.
Respect is something that should be COMMANDED not DEMANDED. The day in-laws understand this we DIL's will breathe a sigh of relief. but will that day ever come?

Hi Concerned -

You are right, they shouldn't get married if they would rather listen to their parents. In-laws want their son's to get married so they can control their DIL around. But the thing is that men don't think there is anything wrong with THEIR parents saying anything to them or their wife because after all they are in the in-laws and have every right.

According to my MIL and husband, My Sister in law has been thru hell with her family yet she manages to come and stay everytime we go to India but god forbid I should mention staying with my mother.

A daughter is a daughter and and daughter in law will only be that. As much bullshit as in-laws throw out their, Indian culture is such that daughter in laws are at the lowest end of the totem pole. I knew this but everything was reaffirmed for me when i read an article on the net about Indian culture and society. It said that daughter in laws are not given any respect especially when their is a daughter in the house and/or another daughter in law.

In-laws (father in laws included)need to stay out of their children's business and let them live their lives. They should come for visits and that is it and let the couple be happy. I swear it is almost as though they (in-laws) get pleasure out of seeing their son and wife argue.

Hey what are you afraid of? I mean your husband quite obviously changes his tune when he is in front of his parents! That is ofcourse entirely on you to make sure he is always on your side! No man can be dealt with in one particular way...Its a constant battle of Love and emotional blackmail and crying and demanding and the list is endless.....I mean I'm sure you know and have not spent 7 long years just bearing the brunt of your husband nad in-laws! You have to be able to point out to your husband that unless he gives you respect no body else is going to treat you respectfully.....Just drill that into his head! It's important for you!

Then again I'd like to correct you that whether it is a Love marriage or an arranged marriage in-laws will be in-laws and a guy will change overnight and suddenly become a very family person to his parents - people who otherwise he would not care too much about! I have had a Love marriage - let me put it this way that I was chased and convinced by my husband to marry him! He literally pursued me till I agreed which I didn't till the day I got engaged to him which was about 2 mths before the wedding.......Despite that his MOM was able to convince him 20 days before the wedding date to break the engagement! My parents were called and informed -20 days before the wedding that it woukld be better if we did not pursue our plans any further! Now what do you say about that! Its ofcourse a different matter that I am married to the same guy......and am very happy with him.....but Sweets the happiness did not come easy! I made it my life's mission to follow the same path that my MOM-IN-LAW uses to manipulate her son in her favour and believe you me despite that I was not successful - I believe the reason for the same is that we are the inexperienced lot! The Mother has lived and brought upo her son according to her whims and fancies - do you understand me here! I have been led up to the point where I brashfully asked for a divorce, all thanx to my MOM-IN-LAW. I did end up shocking my husband in the process but then I sat back and thot why I was playing into her hands and letting her have the last laugh and then I have been more in control. But it is an ongoing battle and I know I am not all there but I am playing the same game as my dear enlightened MIL! Believe you me I have found victory to the extent that my husband has actually gone to the extent of agreein to the fact that she is wrong in her ways! Its not easy cos' even today he blindly takes up for her and then I work him to my side! It's a big game! Let me also inform you that the divorce topic came up when my baby was just born! Now do you get an insight into what I am saying to you! I can write a thesis on my relationship with my in laws and you will probably understand that all is not lost!

Keep me informed if you have been able to make a breakthru!

It is amazing that in this society in this day and age that in-laws and husbands good be so old fashioned.

I hear what you are saying and I understand it and you are right that I must start "playing my mil games" to win my husband over. It isn't going to be easy.

When my son was 6 months old my husband hinted for a divorce because he would tell me that he couldn't take our relationship the way it was going anymore, that we needed to make a decision. I was so upset, so scared that I told him I didn't want a divorce. A few months back my husband hinted again and I was all ready for it then but when it came to him bringing up the topic, he never did.

Marriage is such a rollercoaster!! I am sorry to hear of all you have been through in your life and are stil going through but I give you a lot of credit for standing up for yourself. I have to start doing the same. I will remember your advice because I know it will give me strength.

I feel bad for you and your situation! But you have to understand one thing, and tho' this may sound very hard hearted and relentless, pls believe me this is going to hold you in good stead!

(A)Please don't ever show your weakness for your child to your husband or your in-laws and be prepared for the worst !(God Forbid)! The moment they find that they are ableto twist your arm because of your attachment to your kid they are only going to use it against you!BUT OFCOURSE this does not mean that you become aloof!

(B)NEVER let your son come to India alone with your in-laws at whatever cost! You may never get to see him again! Pls note I am not trying to scare you here .......! You are the Mother and you will be the only one in charge of your child/children with the exception of your husband who will work in sync with your ideas and not as he pleases.......this should be the firm yet subtle message that you send out in your own manner!

(C) Be Firm with your husband and let him know that you will not tolerate any kind of nonsense on his part or his parents part! It is a sad but true phenomena that we Indians have This stupid Ladke wallas and Ladkiwallas........!Be very polite to your in laws but don't bow down to their every whim and if there is something you don't like that they do to you tell them firmly but politely. You have been married 7 long years and have borne all this nonsense so changes cannot happen over night but you are the best judge of how soon you can get out of this mess by being more assertive!

(D) You are an independent working woman.........I'm sure you command enuff respect and love at your workplace so why the difference in your own home! You be prepared for the worst but tell yourself that you are not going to just go in for a divorce at the first instance and that you are going to be strong and work things out your way! Hey your in-laws are with you only for 3-4 months in a year the rest of the time you have you hubby to mould him and make him like you want him! Guys are regular Idiots and I am sure you have realised after all these years what hold his MOM has on him that you don't! Use it sweets and watch the FUN! Hey, I don't want to sound bitchy and all but you got something that his MOM can't give him.....now hold him by his most sensitive organ and make him do your thing your way! C'mon, I know I sound Radical and brash but hey its and Mother-in-law eat daughter-in-law world out there and if you are smart then you are going to enjoy and reap the fruits of your smartness! Don't get ethical about life at this juncture, its YOU against the big bad world out there and the choice is yours!

Dear worried:

Thanks for your advice. You are right, I am an independant woman and I have earned a lot of respect at my office and by my peers and family. It seems to me that the only people who have a problem with me are my in-laws and sometimes my husband. I don't know why I get so weak around them, fear I suppose. I am trying very hard to get the courage to stand up on some issues but then I turn weak on others.

You are right, I have a horrible feeling that I will lose my child if I leave him in India with my in-laws or send him away. I have already told my in-laws on several occasion that my child will not be going any wher under any circumstance but they keeping saying to my husband that when he gets older you can send him and my husband starts to agree or stays quiet. I don't want that.

I used to be all for arranged marriages and I am telling people out there, don't do it. Yes there are complications with love marriages as well but at least you know what you are getting before hand.

Hi there,
I totally agree with previous reply. Get independent and that will solve lots of problem. Does your in-law live with you?

Hi there, I truly am sorry to hear about your life's outcome. But dont give up hope. It's not the end of the world. Start working if u dont already. It may cause a lot of commotion but put your foot down and do it. First it will give u a lot of moral booost, help u be financially independent and in case there is any future child battle(god forbid) u will not have to give in to anybody. I am surprised that there are men still not mature enough to grow out of their parent's shadow. Make your husband understand that u will not tolerate your parents being insulted just as he would not tolerate his parents being insulted! But try to concentrate your life arounf your child. He should give u enough strength to survive and motivation to fend for both your sake. dont let them tak eyour only hope(your child) away from u whatever happens. Wish u all the best.

Dear torn-in-two,

The same thing happened to me. My husband wanted to take his parents on our long-dreamed romantic vacation. When i was upset, he is unable to understand why they shouldnt come as they would like to see those places too..it's not that we dont take them to see places...but there are some places u just have to go alone!

Hi Concerned and Friend,

Thank you for your advice. I actually have been working, even before I got married. I know I don't have a problem financially supporting my son, I suppose I am scared to be alone but then I am scared of my husband and what he may do. I don't think he will ever physically harm me but I hate the way he believes that only his parents come first and my parents just don't matter. My in-laws live with us for 3 to 4 months out of the year and we go to India for a few weeks to visit (usually the same year they come to visit). Even when I suggested let's go somewhere for one week in Europe before we go to India, he at first didn't agree then he asked his parents to join us (but they had already been there so they said no). They could not even say to him that it would be good if the two of you went by yourself. We can't have even go on vacation without him inviting them along. I thougt things were going well, but every day I think about what has happened in the past and burns me up.