Relationships  Discussion Forum

Dear Concerned -

I am going through exactly what you are going through, it is too funny!! I can't believe that both of our MIL's are exactly the same with their behavior and complaints, the only difference is that my husband will always take her side and he will blame me. He will never tell me oh they are here for a short time, she put up with it, etc. He will blame me entirely for the situation until we get into a big fight, and you know who gets the happiest out of the entire situation, my dear MIL.

Well, keep a few things in mind.
1)Worried is correct...pretend to be ill for no reason and hopefully your husband will be on your side.
2) Before you go to India to settle, convince your husband you want your own place! Don't stay with your in-laws, make that very clear, believe me it will make your life a little easier.

3) My in-laws come to stay with me as well and at first I just used to get upset and mad that my MIL did things her way and took over, then I stopped (took me 5 years). I started telling her that this is how I like it becuase it makes it easier for me. Now she just leaves things out for me to put away or she will ask me and that bothered me. She would do this in front of my husband whom she already told that this is not her house b/c she is not allowed to do things and so on and so on. Everytime my MIL would tell me I will just live this here you can put it where ever you want, I would just tell her that she doesn't need to ask me anything, this goes here and she can put it there. She kept doing this for a while and I kept saying it to her then she all of a sudden stopped and started putting things away where I wanted them.

It takes time and patience and you can do it, just don't let them get the best of you. Play here game!

Our parents did one mistake raising us, they didn't tell us to expect these things. My mother didn't b/c for one she is stronger then I am and 2) my father and her in-laws were not like this.

As for the food comparison, your answer was great..just keep saying it. She will get annoyed and stop after awhile. My husband used to compare my cooking to my mother and his and then he would tell me to learn to cook like his mom and why don't I ask her for recipes or sit down and learn. I explained to him that I have asked for recipes, I watch and I learn but I will cook the way that I do. I told him that I don't cook like my mom, your mom doesnt' cook like her mom or her MIL so why do you expect me to cook like your mom! Everyone has their own style and way of cooking. I told his mom when she told me the same thing that variety is good, that when she comes she can make food the way she does and I will make food the way I do and we will have a variety. She always says that my FIL likes it the way she makes this dish and I told her "but he never said anything about the way I make this dish, in fact he said he liked it. So I will make it this way this time and next time you make it the way you do". Leave at that. Be firm, polite and consistent.

good luck

Dear Worried and Jasmine,

I am feeling much better today. As usual my MIL stayed in her room all of yday so that my husband can worry over her and spend the rest of the day talking just to her. U know what - i didnt even mind...as long as she keeps her mouth shut!

As u say i do give her compliments for her food, i support her when my husband thinks she makes it very spicy etc..but what she complains is about a few times when i dont!!! Come on...that is too much of an expectation from her. Not only that if i say this is nice..i've never had it...she says...doesnt your mom know to make it...i get so irritated...why does she have to compete with my mom? She wants me to say that her cooking is better than my moms. My mom does variety cooking...south indian and lots of north indian...my MIL can do only south indian..so she knows tons of combinations...it's not fair to compare herself with my mom...sometimes i think she does it to irritate me. I tell her "Everybody's cooking style and taste is unique. One cannot compare relatively." I like both yours and my moms!

I am going to do exactly what u say...let my husband know that her fights affect me too physically and mentally. And just like i told my hubby will tell my MIl too that there are certain things that i need to do the way i want to..after all she has had a chance to live her life...now it's my turn.

Dear Concerned,

I am sorry to hear about the tension in your home. But Jasmine is right that you have to make a few things clear to your MIL that you are comfy in a few ways doing things your way! If you do it now then she will be better off when you go settle down with her later! But be subtle to the extent that she cannot use any words against you to your husband! Like what you can do is take her suggestions and make her feel good that you have - but do it your style in the kitchen I am sure she doesn't stand with you there and when the food doesn't taste her style then praise her to the High Heavens and tell her (infront of your husband ofcourse) Mom my food just doesn't turn out like yours does! I think you should do the cooking from now on etc....This I am sure is going to put her off completely and she will find excuses not to go into the kitchen and then let you have your way! Of course this is not going to happen in one go! But I'm 100% certain that its going to work!

As far as being treated like a daughter is concerned it is a big LIE and one that is used by all MIL's to make their sons feel hey how sweet my mother is. How un biased! So please don't get depressed and I would suggest you play games and not sulk ! If she can fall sick due to the tension - I mean CAN'T you? Have this constant nagging headache or general overall weakness and enjoy the sleep while your inlaws and husband feel guilty about having caused this after a fight! Even that will work on your husband's mind and he will see you as the poor delicate darling that gets so tense after a fight that she falls sick - and the same will be conveyed to his MOM! Yes you haven't fallen sick till date but you see the tension has just got to you and you are the delicate person that you are and not the strong young girl as your husband sees you to be!

U r right, but if she fights then next 2 weeks she says she is ill- i dont know if she really is or if she pretends and my husband attributes it to the tension between us...not that he is accusing me but he asks me not to pay heed to what she says but just please her! I have discussed this with him but he says she is here only for a while and she will leave anyway but i am worried about what she'll expect from me after we go and settle in India. It is really bad on her part to trouble me like this but as i said b4 she does to me exactly what her daughter went through! How sadistic!!!

Hi Concerned -

My MIL does the same and yesterday, although she didn't start a fight I know something was wrong b/c of the way everyone was behaving in my house.

My MIL has the same complaint that she treats me like her daughter (what a joke) and that I don't treat her like my mother. I used to back down and apologize for my husbands sake as well and also not to cause an argument. But you know I was making myself depressed over this whole situation. I just decided that if there was to be a fight so be it because I didn't do anything wrong and my husband will have to listen to my side and it is his choice to take my side or not. Yes this caused a lot of problems and still does for me but I would rather live like this then afraid in my own home to make a comment or live my life.

You need to tell your MIL that this is how you feel comfortable making food and you prefer to have things this way in your kitchen or home because it is easier for you. Let her get upset and believe me she will and you will need to stick up for yourself. Tell your husband that every woman has dreams of setting up her own home and if your MIL wants to do everything her way then when are you going to get your chance?

I am sorry you are going through this but things will never change no matter how nice you are to them and try to do things their way. They will never be happy with your actions or behavior and they will make sure your husband believes them.

Dear Friends -

I hope everyone is doing well. I wanted to thank everyone for their advice. After reading everyone's comments and advice I felt better and I have tried some things. The one thing I do the most is ignore my in-laws when I know it isn't worth my energy to argue with them but then I do say what I want to say without any regret and of course very nicely.

It is a difficult relationship and one when you get married some people have to live with. I just hope that all of us will try our very best to not treat our DIL's the way we have been treated.

Things have changed slightly...don't know exactly how but they have a little. There is a lot of good advice on this page and I hope that everyone can find something that will help them. I would love to stay in touch with everyone.

Take care of yourselves!!!

Hey Jasmine,

I am glad to hear that you have paid heed to some of the advice on this page and tried to apply it to your life! It will indeed be a good idea to continue to post your experiences and advice cos' I am sure it is going to help some one!

Hey everybody,

Looks like all of you have been busy trying to revise your relationships with your in-laws and there have been no complaints for some time so it sounds good! All the best!

Thanks for the post...as we all know that the MIL-DIL conflicts really dont become extinct...we just get temporary breaks before another outburst!!! Hope everybody will continue to keep posting here to help themselves and others!!!
Cheers!

All dear friends,

After having read all the messages I am now really feeling comforted that I am not he only one to go through all this. I used to think I am the only one who has got such whimsical MIL. I can't even explain what I have gone through and still going through though we are staying now seperately. Her 'beloved son' was ready to stay seperate only if we take a flat just in the next building so that 'his mother' can also see to our daughter (actually I am leaving my daughter in the creche since she was 2 and half months old) and the creche is in the same building where we are now staying. that was the main reason why i was ready to take the flat just in the next building. At least I don't have to see 'her' dirty face as soon as i get up in the morning. Now she just stands at the window and the minute she sees me leaving ( i have to leave at 7.30 a.m.) she will enter my house, she will open my fridge, she will check all my kitchen cabinets, she will check what i have kept where. Now my daughter is 5 years old. My husband can manage very well getting her ready for the school, he can brush her teeth, he also cleans her after she finishes toilet, he gives her bath, gives her breakfast. But his mother thinks he himself is still so small, 'he has got married just 7 yrs. back, how will he manage to do all this plus get himself ready for the office' that is her dialogue. As if i have got married 50 yrs.back. she just wants to interfere and show off in front of the neighbours. As far as opening the fridge and everything is concerned, her son says, 'she just sees it, she is not taking away any of your things'. She will never come to my house whem i am there. but later on she will try to dominate my husband and my daughter. she will tell anything about me to my daughter. such mental torture for me !! did our parents bring us up to face all this ? My father tells me to confront her and to warn her not to enter my house when i am not there. my mother says i should just ignore to keep peace. I don't know what is right.

First and foremost your problem is that you are too close to your in-laws home! I was faced with a similar situation where my hubby wanted to move in to a house 6 houses away and I put my foot down and finally we shifted to a different locality! Anyway, there is not much you can do in your situation but be firm and tell your MIL that you would prefer your privacy and that you shud be given a chance to run your own life! Subtlety may not work in your case but then again you are the best judge of your situation! Further, make sure you have your husband in confidence before that cos' if he takes up for her at the wrong time then you have a bigger problem!Its true we have to keep the peace going and all of that but not against the peace of your mind! Is it extremely important for you to work - can't you find a job where you don't have to leave home so early if you must work! This way if your MIL finds that you are at home till you've seen your family off she can barely do anything coming home to an empty house and looking around can she?

Hi aag,

U r facing a unique problem...lack of privacy in your own home...My suggestion to u would the following. Whenever u r in public with other people around and your MIL is present...start a topic saying that u heard that your friends MIL was checking in her house during her absence and one fine day she got a private detective to sy on her MIL and caught her red-handed. And that the MIL was humiliated in front of the neighbors!!! that was do the trick...This subtle hint will instigate a guilt in her and the fear that the same can happen to her tomorrow!!! We have to play our own games when it comes to these cunning MILs!! Good luck...tell us if it worked!!!

My main issue with my MIL is that she is very jealous of the outcome of my life as compared to her daughter's. My SIL was married off immediately after marriage, had a kid immediately, was not allowed to work and be financially independent while my case was the opposite of this. I truly sympathise with her, but that doesnt mean that i should be chided for all that i do by saying...\";hey, u are enjoying life doing whatever u want while my daughter suggers\";. Whatever i have she wants for her daughter...if i take some gifts for my sister she expect me to show it to her and later asks for hte same for her daughter....i dont like this comparison 1 bit but tolerate it for my husband.
She claims herself that she is hte best mother-in-law in the whole world and is very proud of hte fact that most of the people she interacts with here in US(whenever she comes here) are youngsters. My point is other young women will be nice to her bcos she is nice on the surface. Only if they become her daughter-in-law will she show her true colors. And since she is the eldest in her big family, she demands respect from everyone. But that doesnt mean that she is always right!!! By husband and his sister are used to her dominating their lives but not me!! I wouldnt let her dominate me too and she is so pissed at that. She is a very complicated person with varying mood swings. When it is just a few months when i have to stay with her it's ok but i dread the day i will have to stay with her permanently!!! my husband wants to go back and stay with her in India as recently she is taking my husband on a guilt-trip saying that she thinks she will not be alive next year. It's really surprising that a mother can make a son feel so bad and guilty but it is true and we face it everyday!

Worried, i agree 100% with u. My man has been in US for quite some years, studying though most of the time. yet he has sent substantial amt of money for his sister's wedding and spent his money for every expenditure of the boy's side for our own wedding! A man spending for his own wedding is unheard of!!! So when we started our married life here we hardly had any savings. My man gives money at home only once in a year not monthly. So after 6 months my MIL tells my man, that others are telling her that he has harldy done anything for his parents unlike other sons!!! both physically and financially!!! And the worst part is he felt guilty about it too!!! I was newly married and i couldnt point out to him that she is wrong in making him feel guilty. He felt so bad for almost a month. What hard-hearted mother will do this to her son!!!
Now the new scheme is to make her son buy a house in India - despite my opinion that i would like to choose and design my own layout etc. When will she understand that we are married and we have our own dreams for our house that we would like to conceive!!! I am also working and have to contribute towards this house....is it wrong for me to voice my opinion on this!!! Till date i have tried to put that topic off..And now my husband is giving in to her wish and considering it!!! I feel so frustrated with both of them at times!!!

MILs are famous for these guilt trips! They have this corny art of sending their sons on this guilt trip and watch the son suffer under the same! Its true of almost everyone I have heard from! On the other hand we are the ones that get very ethical and refuse to use guilt trips against our husbands! One may well ask why! I am a victim of these guilt trips and I have faced many hassles due to these guilt trips that my man has been made to face by my MIL simply so that I may suffer financially! But I have one golden rule that I live by and that is not to let my MIL know how badly we are suffering becos of her stupid games and I have actually enjoyed myself watching her agony at not knowing!

Secondly, there is nothing that one can do about these comparisons.....Let me tell you what comes to mind when you talk about comparisons - My MIL and FIL actually compete with me!?! When my hubby is complementing me about something my FIL is out there complementing her on the same and when my man spoke about how li'l and bird like my appetite was My dear MIL has gone all out to prove her bird like appetite - now ha ha ha ha to that one cos' whenever I think about it I wonder if the poor lady is starving or has she filled her tummy before hand! All this comparison used to bug me for long till I saw the funny side to it!

Dear Concerned,

I totally agree with you that we could all use this space to vent our feelings truly and if any one has any good advice for us they should let us know so we may live a more peaceful existence!

It was hardly experience but the need to survive that made me learn to read deeper into my MIL's devious ways. I have been able to make many such DIL's in my place vent their feelings when they felt like it and believe you me such support structures really work becos' we are the dutiful daughter's who have been brought up all our lives being told that a woman is born to bear suffering and be sacrificing - but I strongly believe that these are the two most misused words against women and that we can truly be the all sacrificing and quinessential suffering women but we needn't be dealt a raw deal in the process!

Hi there all you dear persecuted DILS!

I know I call myself Lucky that my Man doees not have real sisters but cousins will do the trick! Even his most ugly and unaccomplished cousins are called the most beutiful and dutiful and accomplished.....I did once get a chance to ask him tho' how they could be called beautiful etc and he sheepishly agreed! Ha ha ha.....Guys can be such jerks.....! But all you women out there with sons will end up doing the same in the future - atleast you people start changing the system somewhere!

Hey, its very true that the inlaws will portray a very different front to their sons and a totally different one to us when he is not around so why can't we all do the same? Even we can be all sugar and honey in front of our hubbys and give a lesson or two to the smart inlaws behind hubby's backs! You know for all this you first have to win the confidence of your Husbands.... get them to believe that you are also angels and then watch the fun!

Men are basically brought up by their MOMS not to think so there is no point raving and ranting about why they can't see for themselves! or why they can't think! I can tell from personal experience that my Man will not notice something wrong his mom has said or done right under his NOSE! They are so conditioned to being Mama's Boy that they can't function outside of that! I'm sure you all agree with me on this! We are the younger and brash lot that enters into their lives and have stars and love in our eyes and are willing to prove to the world that we are going to make a difference to the world by having a cordial relationship with our inlaws and prove to the world that we are all good! But this is not true becos' we are not welcome into their families or lives. All the show at the wedding are all NONSENSE! I have Photographs of my wedding to the extent where my MIL has this \";Oh so bored\"; and irritated expression and is not smiling in any of the photographs ! Many people have also commented on this! But her son doesn't mention/notice anything!

Why are you girls scared of showing your love for your parents! After all they brought you up and made you what you are, not to be misbehaved with by some family that you got married into! I'm sure all of you have your ways of handling you guys and can mould them to suit your ways ! What I write here are only general ideas and have to be used according to your situation in life!

Jasmine one more thing -Never fight with your hubby about your people and my people.....It'll make matters worse ! Have you ever watched his MOM argue with him about anything? NO maam she will do just what her son says and he can curse her and she will give this very sheepish grin and then lo and behold she has her way after all that!Hey he is eating out of her hands! Now did she fight!?!

Show him the real you the one who loves him and not the one who fights with him.....We fight to get our ideas in headlong but there is no such thing cos' a fight about getting your ideas approved by him only means more arrogance on his part and more mule behaviour ! Guys are such fools they don't understand anything more than real Words.....Please don't tryn' make them understand subtle messages it doesn't happen! When he says 1 hour say OK and wait your chance the 1 hour will change over at the venue due to pressure from the host etc! He cannot throw a tantrum there can he?

Worried, I can see that u have a lot of experience and advice for us all...your advice to Jasmine couldnt have been better!!! And some examples u gave is like a flashback to me. Whatever her daughter does is news and i hardly count. Yes, i think dealing with her sweetly and as superficially as she does will atleast satisfy our husbands if not us! And i have learnt too that fighting leads us nowhere! I have learnt to give-in and later remark about it subtly so that he knows it not apreciated at that time. We learn a lot from our mistakes and i have learnt a lot of mistakes that i could have made if not for this conversation...Please give any advice u think has worked for anybody...if we dont support each other..who will??? Thanks everybody.

Jasmine,

After marriage our husbands become the most important person in our lives!!! even though we have lived and adored our parents for 23-24 years. How come it's not vice-versa with our husband's. Surely, u should love and support your parents but how is our love is any way cheaper than their mom's love towards them? Men should think about this!!!