Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi Girls

Hope things are looking good! Jasmine it is
a very noble thought on your part to bring up your
son differently but I wish people would also follow
the same. Women must understand that they bring up
their sons to be good people and not for them to
return the years of toil that the mother has spent
in bringing up her son! It seems as if all mothers
of sons ask back for the time and energy they have
devoted in bringing up their boys to be returned
with interest when their boys get married. I can't
fathom why else they get so possessive after their
sons get married.

I wish you all the best and hope that your son grows
up to be a good boy and treats both his mother and his wife
with the respect due to both of them with out having to
anger one of them. For that Jasmine and all moms of sons
I think you will have to be more understanding and tolerant
of them.Please do not take it as a personal attck on anyone this
is only a suggestion. After all someone has to make a start
somewhere on this front!

Hi -

Concerned I am sorry to hear that things are not improving. They will in time but I know how tiring it can all get...living with so much distress day in day out.

My husband is better now that his parents have left but then there is always next year and the same things. It shocks me that he doesn't see that it is really only when they visit that so tension is in our home and our lives. He and his parents blame it all on me and my family. We go through this all the time but I will get stronger, for the sake of my child because I don't want him to become like that. I don't want a Mama's boy either but I do want a child who will respect everyone and not treat them bad, etc. I have decided to write my child a letter in the event I am not alive when he gets older. Telling him that he should never treat his wife like this and she is number one in his life and he has to give her and her family the respect he wants her to give to us.

Keep in touch girls, I have to go now.

Hi girls,
Hope things are improving in your life...i am ok. just waiting to be peaceful again. but this trip has been fruitful for her as she has poisoned her son's mind about me. he supports her views and beleives that since she is elder and we r young we shud be able to let them have their say! I'm quite calm these days not giving her a chance to complain. But i am awed and the front she puts forth in front of our friends . as though ti couldnt ask for a better MIL! honey sweet...it's sickening. I hate pretentious people and sheez the limit. Jasmine...this message board is a blessing in disguise for us DILs to voice our opinion and say what we want to say and find solace amidst others like us. I am grateful to u and worried for all the support u gave and will give me in future too. Keep posting here girls.

Hi girls - thank you so much for your help and advice. It is sad that our in-laws treat us the way they do even after they have gone through the same and of course it is outright denied because they feel they are best and treat us like queens.

Worried...how are things going with you? I give you a lot of credit, you really know how to remain strong and take care of yourself.

Let's try our best not to make our sons like mama's boy, teach them to respect their wives and all women in general. Let's remember to treat our DIL's with love and care and not like we have been treated. I have made this promise to myself and I also intend on making my daughter very strong so she doesn't have to put up with anyone's shit and abuse..no matter who it is and self reliant.

I have put my e-mail address above in case you want talk off-line. I hope we can be e-mail friends at least and support eachother.

Hope all is going a little better for everyone, do keep in touch both of you.

Jasmine it is really terrible to know about the beginning of you marriage but you sure have come a long way! You are a very smart girl! I am very happy for you and you sure know how to get your husband to listen to you. Yes, I have had a rough week and Concerned I think all MIL's have had a bad time with their husband's family and stuck with their family. My MIL's story is about the same although she has her husband eating out of her hands and he dare not say anything wrong in front of her or against her! I actually had her son telling me about how her inlaws had never accepted her where as I have seen them behave with her and they are the epitome of sweetness but this woman she has to be the martyr always and so ask my husband and he is closer to her side than his father's and so I have taken it upon myself to make my kids closer to my side than his! Ha that should be a major lesson to all of them!

Ofcourse this mamas boy thing just doesn't seem to wear off and even when everything seems to be going so right -Plonk they can drop the bomb by becoming mama's li'l baby again!

hi jasmine,
i cant tell u how similar our in-laws are. My MIL always talks about her past and her daughter and how much she sufferd. yet she inflicts the same situations on me. My hubby is totally a mama's boy...even friends have noticed and told me that. so he just cant see his mom in the negative,. Your first day after marriage was really pathetic...i'm sorry and angry for u!. how can men allow this? they will resent it if the same happens to their dear sister but when it comes to their wife it's ok? my MIl tells us tales of her SIL being a mama's boy and that his priorities are his mom who comes first. what about her own son. she expects him too to be like that and he is. So what can i do about it. I know personally that her daughter has written letters to her brother saying that it will take some time for her to bring her hubby under her control....who can i go and tell all these ? i cant compare myself with his sister to him...he doesnt like it...but that's the only prroof that my MIL is behaving similarly. anyway, take heart and stay cool girls...there will be good days for us.

Worried/Concerned -

I have some breathing room now that my in-laws have gone home. Life has taken a turn for the better, my husband and I haven't had one argument since they left, it is amazing. He is totally changed individual. Unfortunately I know this has a lot to do with the WTC attack in NY because we live in NY and have felt the horror of it we have become closer, not fighting, appreciating life a little more and I make it a point to tell my husband that every day now.

I am sorry worried that you had such a rough week with your in-laws but remember girls we need to be strong and stand up and talk back. Let them get hurt. I actually had the nerve (thank god) only because I wasn't scared of the outcome anymore. I told my MIL that they treated me unfairly from the first day I was married and they never gave me the chance and that is why they feel they have been ill treated by me and my husband feels the same way because all of them had expectations of a DIL who would only obey.

My MIL goes on and one about her parents and daughter and sister,etc. God forbid I should speak about my family and I refuse to only becasue my husband and in-laws use this information against me later on. Do you see how coniving they are!

I have a story for you about my first day in the family (my marriage was arranged and the wedding and engagement was done in a few weeks). The day after my marriage my MIL yelled at me for not getting up early to make tea for her and everyone in the house (about 15 other family members were there). That afternoon I was sweeping the floor and mopping. My MIL and SIL pulled up a chair in the room to see me sweeping and mopping the floor. My MIL told my husband how sick she was and that I should have been up early anyway, it is my duty to provide food for everyone. This was my first day. The second day my husband and I got into an argument because I corrected him on his impression of me. This is how my marriage began.

Dear Worried,

U r right. Men are unwilling to see the bad side to their moms always. That's bcos they want the divine an sacred picture of their mom to be evergreen in their mind. And anyways, their moms are good to them right? so why would they be unhappy with them? But us - we have to adjust and live our lives with these in-laws who have absolutely no botheration of hurting our feelings unlike their sons.And since we point out his mom's bad side to them we become the bad girls in their eyes. that we are stubborn and fail to comply with them. so what if they are elder...they should be more adjusting saying that they have just started off their lives! instead until they remain in this world we are expected to obey and follow their lead of living OUR lives...
Cant they let us live our own lives? My mil personally didnt get along with her husband's family and stayed close to her family at all times...but when it comes to me...i have to be as attached or more with my in-laws...how can she expect that if she was not as pleasing and understanding. unfair laws of in-laws!

Dear Concerned,

Its true that you want to do everything that is in your hands to be able to please your husband but have you ever seen your husband try and please you! Yes an Indian guy is sick and yes they just can't stop playing mama's boy - this am telling you with my recent overexposure to my inlaws who have irritated the life out of me in the last one week! They are all out to prove that their son is so special..... A small illness and they have been behaving as if he is on his deathbed! Whereas if I or my baby fall sick they can't be bothered! But all their stupidity is overlooked by their illustrious son! All my nursing him back to good health is so easily forgotten that sometimes I feel like throwing everything in his face and telling him to go and get well in his moms hands and come back to me healthy !I don't even know where to start! I am equally bugged and you are right a guy pretends his mom is the best thing that happened to the world with all her shortcomings as well.

I am at my wits end too as to how to deal with them and am too bugged to even think beyond a certain point now.

hi girls. after seeing these horrifying deaths and tragedy in NY, i think any of our problems are so small as compared to theirs. But yet our problems are faced daily in small and irritating ways. Men are to be blamed for most of our problems. they will remain as close or closer to their family and we have to tolerate it but if we display the same affections....they have to remind us that WE are married now. how unfair! Dammit. even those men who are in USA they have to become conventional whenever it comes to their family matters! I for 1 wont let them get away with this double standards! all men are like that. they want best of both worlds which is not possible. they want to be their mom's pet and yet want the wifes when it comes to other things. they feel they are indebted to their mother for all the things that she hads done for them. i agree but not to the extent that thye have to mend their current lives with their wives! and put her thru the suffereing bcos of their gratitude factor. these men portray themselves as being caught in-between...very clever...they could have easily avoided it in the first place!if only he says u r wrong without inhibition to both mom and wife whenever the make mistakes surely, life will be much smoother...but no... the mother cannot bear to be chided in front of the DIL so why shud the DIL? that's the root of all problems.

Girls, thaks for your support. i never should have stayed at home and cooked the other day. i thought my mil will feel left out we me and my hubby took off by ourselves...instead i got left out. i ownt make this mistake again...please nobidy should do this. it's a horrible feeling. i am out of my depression and ready to take control of my life which obviously my mil wants to have control of. things are temporarily quiet thanks to the long talk myhubby had on his wedding day to his mom. I am going to make sure that this never happens ever again. This is mu life and i'm not going to let others ruin it for me. Hope god teaches all those ill-natured MIL's a lesson.

Jasmine and Concerned
I am very worried for the two of you.But guaging from your postings I get the impression that you are both letting your in laws get under your skin! WHY?

Hey Jasmine I was very anxious to know why you are looking for a divorce? Listen Girl, if your husband and inlaws change their attitude towards you -YOu just ignore them and pretend like you don't notice anything. See its very simple they do this to get your goat and if you fail to notice anything amiss believe me it will irritate the living daylights out of them - take it from me I did i only once and they have never tried it again. Ofcourse I behaved very normal and pretended not to notice even the undercurrents and boom they blew up to tell me that I had misbehaved with them - But then I asked my husband how I had - as he is the one who never notices anything amiss - so he also remembered that I was very normal and could find nothing wrong with the situation and told me to ignore it and told them to stop over reacting! Try it!

Concerned, How could you be cooking on a special night like your anniversary night? Girl you should have planned a night out with your husband early in the morning itself you know some kinda romantic dinner and all!

Jasmine, my problems are ditto to yours only that the degree of overseas influence is slightly less...but it is compensated by thedegree of devotion of my husband to his mom...she is so manipulative and possessive of her son. She hates it if my husband doesnt consult her for even a small thing like opening a bank a/c. She makes sure she is updated with all his earnings and savings! and she is trying to convince him to buy a house in india...not for her but as an investment...what a joke!
such possessive mom should not marry their son at all in my opinion...they talk as if they are the best kinds b4 marriage and show their color after marriage! She has poisoned her son's mind about me last night to the extend that my husband says...u r not very good...on our anniversary! i told him i know exactly why and how he said that...

tell your mil that she has had a chance to be a mom....now it's your turn! she might just shut up...but we have to be thoughtful of what we say bcos of our husband's. if their mother say bad things about us...they will listen but wont take anything negative about their mom's...what suckers! The only thing i do after my mil hurts me each time is pray that she gets hurt similarly...she usually does.. very strangely it happens to her own daughter somehow....GOD IS THERE!!!!

Concerned - like you my in-laws visit us as well and we them. My husbands attitude changes when they arrive but we have other issues because he gets influenced by them from India as well, phone calls and e-mails.

You are right, I have a child but that in itself is another concern. My in-laws want to tell me how to raise my child and that I shouldn't make him so attached to me. How dare they say that to me when they in turn watch every step their son takes, comment on almost everything and in their own way tell him how to behave, work, handle his finance, etc.

I feel for you as well because it seems that we, Indian women, get the raw deal of any marriage no matter how much we do and try to make people happy.

Hi Jasmine,
some things u said that haapens with u happens with me too...only that it happens only when my MIL is with us or we visit india...my hubby's attitude changes suddenly...he can be easily infuendced by his people...by himself he's a very nice person.

be strong ...for your son's sake. if your hubby is ok by himself then u can tolerate your in-laws for some such time as they are getting old and nobody lives forever...but in our case it seems like forever! I am not able to advice u as for your situation but whatever happens be strong. i am terribly depressed myself but atleast u have a kid to soften your grief!

Hi girls -

It is our husbands fault for not having a mind of their even though they claim they do. Concerned - your husband should have told his mom that he can over for a little while becasue today is his anniversary and he would like to spend it with his wife and maybe we can talk tomorrow. Your husband was insensitive to not spend the evening with you, sorry to say.

My husband spends many nights talking to his mom or both parents. I don't know what they talk about but usually it ends up being after I have said something to my husband or my in-laws and they didn't like it or they have a complaint about something. The reason I know this is becuase the very next morning I see an attitude change in everyone in the house. I hate this feeling, at times I just feeling like breaking down and crying and letting them all have it and telling how much they have all put me through and what kind of hell I am living in.

I have my son to worry about and I have been thinking about divorce a lot lately only because I can not take the mental anquish anymore. I am so depressed and I hate feeling this way. I have so much anger inside of me that I just can not be happy even if I try.

My husband recently joked about divorce because he saw an ad from a divorce lawyer. I told him I will taking our son and he said no you won't, ever! I take care of our son there are days where he is so busy reading his paper, talking to his parents or working that he doesn't even stop and play with our son and he wants custody of him. I will never let this happen. I was the one who wanted children, not him so why all of a sudden the craving to keep our son.

What do I do ladies..do I persue a divorce only because I really don't see matters getting any better.

what can i say...hats off to my mil who spent the evening with my husband alone while i cooked at home and waited for them to come home - On our anniversary! My heart is so heavy and filled with sorrow. I am too hurt to even write about it. She acted as though she didnt remember it at all and came home at 10pm. my hubbby says she couldnt avoid it as his mom wanted to speak to him alone! how bad can things be? what's worse is that she didnt feel a wee bit guilty about keeping her son away on his wedding day! i am married to my husband and he s married to his family! why should men be like this? i guess it's not just their fault...their mom's have raised them like that!

Girls,

I am very unhappy today. Yday my mil was trying to pick up a fight with me...i refused to give in...told her sorry for all her complaints and tried not to make it a fight...But it hurts so much...i'm so depressed! She says that she treats me like a daughter but i dont treat her like my mother. Will our mothers pick on every little thing we do???? How can i think of her a my mother? I dont expect her to treat mw like her daughter(she doesnt anyway). Why do they have to make our lives miserable? She expects me to ask her advice on each and every little thing like, if i should cut this vegetable, how to make a dish etc...my husband expects me to ask too and once in a while if i dont she fights with me saying i dont respect her...i'm tired of living this kind of life where i dont have a right to do what i want in my own kitchen. How unfair!!! But i intend tolerating it for my husband's sake. I feel so uneasy with her. She is very demanding and dominant. Sometimes i just want to give up trying to maintain peace with her.

Dear concerned -

I know how you feel b/c my hubby would want the same thing and I know I would not be able to say anything b/c we live in the states and they don't have anyone else aside from their only son. I know if we lived in India it would be different b/c they can get servants, etc. and would be okay living on their own. Since your husband and you will be moving back to India I would stronly urge you to persuade him to get a place of your own. Stand your ground on this and tell him that both of you can go to visit them over the weekends.

Dear girls, thanks for all your support...things are pretty edgy these days... Only now my husband is begenning to see his mom as a MIL and just just the loving mother!! he realises it only after him dear mom argued with him too! but on the other hand now he is more cautious and protective of her.my hubby has come to the conclusion that anything that upsets my mil causes her to fall illl so we should be as accomodative as possible. But i told him that his mother for her part should stop getting upset with worthless and small things and that would save some tension amidst us. i hope he would pospone going back to india for atleast sometime so that i can live peacefully atleast for a few more years as whatever i say he will defenitely want his parents to stay with him in the same house...i have absolutely NO SAY in that issue! i can only hope that she is not as ruthless as she is now!