I have been married for 7 years and have a 1.5 year old. My in-laws are always into our business and how we need to do things, how I should dress, talk, cook and set up my house and raise my child. My husband takes their side and always puts me down and doesnt believe me. My parents have begged for their forgivness on several occasions because my in-laws and husband have taken almost every piece of conversation they have ever had out of proportion. My in-laws and husband believe that my parents should watch what they say beause they are the boys family and they because they are boys family they should be treated a certain way by them and everyone in my family. I have never seen such in-laws or a husband in my life. I have grown up with family around and cousins getting married and I see how their husbands are with us and how their family is. No expectations from them at all, but with my in-laws they have too may expectations from everyone. My husband belives everything they say and does what ever they want, include insulting my parents to their face. I have had enough but now I have a chld in the picture. My parents are very upset but they tell me that I need to become strong and win my husband over, but I have tried and it is not going to work as long as my in-laws continue to interfere in our lives. I don't feel it is fair that I should show all the respect in the world to my in-laws but my parents and family are treated like dirt. I have been thinking a lot of divorce. I am very scared and especially scared of losing my son in the process. My in-laws having asking to take my son back to India, I have told them no and my husband stays quiet. I don't know what to do anymore. I love my husband but I don't feel like I can continue in this marriage if he doesnt support me and give my parents some respect like I have given his.
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I have been married for 7 years and have a 1.5 year old. My in-laws are always into our business and how we need to do things, how I should dress, talk, cook and set up my house and raise my child. My husband takes their side and always puts me down and doesnt believe me. My parents have begged for their forgivness on several occasions because my in-laws and husband have taken almost every piece of conversation they have ever had out of proportion. My in-laws and husband believe that my parents should watch what they say beause they are the boys family and they because they are boys family they should be treated a certain way by them and everyone in my family. I have never seen such in-laws or a husband in my life. I have grown up with family around and cousins getting married and I see how their husbands are with us and how their family is. No expectations from them at all, but with my in-laws they have too may expectations from everyone. My husband belives everything they say and does what ever they want, include insulting my parents to their face. I have had enough but now I have a chld in the picture. My parents are very upset but they tell me that I need to become strong and win my husband over, but I have tried and it is not going to work as long as my in-laws continue to interfere in our lives. I don't feel it is fair that I should show all the respect in the world to my in-laws but my parents and family are treated like dirt. I have been thinking a lot of divorce. I am very scared and especially scared of losing my son in the process. My in-laws having asking to take my son back to India, I have told them no and my husband stays quiet. I don't know what to do anymore. I love my husband but I don't feel like I can continue in this marriage if he doesnt support me and give my parents some respect like I have given his.
Concerned replied. My main issue with my MIL is that she is very jealous of the outcome of my life as compared to her daughter's. My SIL was married off immediately after marriage, had a kid immediately, was not allowed to work and be financially independent while my case was the opposite of this. I truly sympathise with her, but that doesnt mean that i should be chided for all that i do by saying...\";hey, u are enjoying life doing whatever u want while my daughter suggers\";. Whatever i have she wants for her daughter...if i take some gifts for my sister she expect me to show it to her and later asks for hte same for her daughter....i dont like this comparison 1 bit but tolerate it for my husband.
She claims herself that she is hte best mother-in-law in the whole world and is very proud of hte fact that most of the people she interacts with here in US(whenever she comes here) are youngsters. My point is other young women will be nice to her bcos she is nice on the surface. Only if they become her daughter-in-law will she show her true colors. And since she is the eldest in her big family, she demands respect from everyone. But that doesnt mean that she is always right!!! By husband and his sister are used to her dominating their lives but not me!! I wouldnt let her dominate me too and she is so pissed at that. She is a very complicated person with varying mood swings. When it is just a few months when i have to stay with her it's ok but i dread the day i will have to stay with her permanently!!! my husband wants to go back and stay with her in India as recently she is taking my husband on a guilt-trip saying that she thinks she will not be alive next year. It's really surprising that a mother can make a son feel so bad and guilty but it is true and we face it everyday!
Worried replied. Dear Concerned,
I totally agree with you that we could all use this space to vent our feelings truly and if any one has any good advice for us they should let us know so we may live a more peaceful existence!
It was hardly experience but the need to survive that made me learn to read deeper into my MIL's devious ways. I have been able to make many such DIL's in my place vent their feelings when they felt like it and believe you me such support structures really work becos' we are the dutiful daughter's who have been brought up all our lives being told that a woman is born to bear suffering and be sacrificing - but I strongly believe that these are the two most misused words against women and that we can truly be the all sacrificing and quinessential suffering women but we needn't be dealt a raw deal in the process!
Worried replied. Hi there all you dear persecuted DILS!
I know I call myself Lucky that my Man doees not have real sisters but cousins will do the trick! Even his most ugly and unaccomplished cousins are called the most beutiful and dutiful and accomplished.....I did once get a chance to ask him tho' how they could be called beautiful etc and he sheepishly agreed! Ha ha ha.....Guys can be such jerks.....! But all you women out there with sons will end up doing the same in the future - atleast you people start changing the system somewhere!
Hey, its very true that the inlaws will portray a very different front to their sons and a totally different one to us when he is not around so why can't we all do the same? Even we can be all sugar and honey in front of our hubbys and give a lesson or two to the smart inlaws behind hubby's backs! You know for all this you first have to win the confidence of your Husbands.... get them to believe that you are also angels and then watch the fun!
Men are basically brought up by their MOMS not to think so there is no point raving and ranting about why they can't see for themselves! or why they can't think! I can tell from personal experience that my Man will not notice something wrong his mom has said or done right under his NOSE! They are so conditioned to being Mama's Boy that they can't function outside of that! I'm sure you all agree with me on this! We are the younger and brash lot that enters into their lives and have stars and love in our eyes and are willing to prove to the world that we are going to make a difference to the world by having a cordial relationship with our inlaws and prove to the world that we are all good! But this is not true becos' we are not welcome into their families or lives. All the show at the wedding are all NONSENSE! I have Photographs of my wedding to the extent where my MIL has this \";Oh so bored\"; and irritated expression and is not smiling in any of the photographs ! Many people have also commented on this! But her son doesn't mention/notice anything!
Why are you girls scared of showing your love for your parents! After all they brought you up and made you what you are, not to be misbehaved with by some family that you got married into! I'm sure all of you have your ways of handling you guys and can mould them to suit your ways ! What I write here are only general ideas and have to be used according to your situation in life!
Jasmine one more thing -Never fight with your hubby about your people and my people.....It'll make matters worse ! Have you ever watched his MOM argue with him about anything? NO maam she will do just what her son says and he can curse her and she will give this very sheepish grin and then lo and behold she has her way after all that!Hey he is eating out of her hands! Now did she fight!?!
Show him the real you the one who loves him and not the one who fights with him.....We fight to get our ideas in headlong but there is no such thing cos' a fight about getting your ideas approved by him only means more arrogance on his part and more mule behaviour ! Guys are such fools they don't understand anything more than real Words.....Please don't tryn' make them understand subtle messages it doesn't happen! When he says 1 hour say OK and wait your chance the 1 hour will change over at the venue due to pressure from the host etc! He cannot throw a tantrum there can he?
Concerned replied. Jasmine,
Concerned replied. All u people who understand how it is to be over-shadowed by mother-in-laws...
What is it with these MILs? Why do they have to get their sons married if they want him to dance to their tunes always?
And these men - if htey know that their mother is possessive about them - why should they marry and spoil the life of a girl? why can they rather stay single and support and satisfy their moms? And i dont even want to start about those men who would rather-marry-their-mom!
I am not generalising about MILs but there are very few people who can say i really like my MIL! why so? why cant they treat their daughter-in-laws just like they would expect for their own daughter? If the daughter and her husband display any initimate emotions in public...MIL claims \";oh how romantic they are!!!\"; but u do the same with her son..u get a \";oh how disgusting...dont do it in public\";..all this for just a hug!!! why?
they claim to be so cool before marriage but after we come into their family...they are as conservative as can be. I think this is a good time and place to talk your heart out. So please do.
Worried replied. Hey what are you afraid of? I mean your husband quite obviously changes his tune when he is in front of his parents! That is ofcourse entirely on you to make sure he is always on your side! No man can be dealt with in one particular way...Its a constant battle of Love and emotional blackmail and crying and demanding and the list is endless.....I mean I'm sure you know and have not spent 7 long years just bearing the brunt of your husband nad in-laws! You have to be able to point out to your husband that unless he gives you respect no body else is going to treat you respectfully.....Just drill that into his head! It's important for you!
Then again I'd like to correct you that whether it is a Love marriage or an arranged marriage in-laws will be in-laws and a guy will change overnight and suddenly become a very family person to his parents - people who otherwise he would not care too much about! I have had a Love marriage - let me put it this way that I was chased and convinced by my husband to marry him! He literally pursued me till I agreed which I didn't till the day I got engaged to him which was about 2 mths before the wedding.......Despite that his MOM was able to convince him 20 days before the wedding date to break the engagement! My parents were called and informed -20 days before the wedding that it woukld be better if we did not pursue our plans any further! Now what do you say about that! Its ofcourse a different matter that I am married to the same guy......and am very happy with him.....but Sweets the happiness did not come easy! I made it my life's mission to follow the same path that my MOM-IN-LAW uses to manipulate her son in her favour and believe you me despite that I was not successful - I believe the reason for the same is that we are the inexperienced lot! The Mother has lived and brought upo her son according to her whims and fancies - do you understand me here! I have been led up to the point where I brashfully asked for a divorce, all thanx to my MOM-IN-LAW. I did end up shocking my husband in the process but then I sat back and thot why I was playing into her hands and letting her have the last laugh and then I have been more in control. But it is an ongoing battle and I know I am not all there but I am playing the same game as my dear enlightened MIL! Believe you me I have found victory to the extent that my husband has actually gone to the extent of agreein to the fact that she is wrong in her ways! Its not easy cos' even today he blindly takes up for her and then I work him to my side! It's a big game! Let me also inform you that the divorce topic came up when my baby was just born! Now do you get an insight into what I am saying to you! I can write a thesis on my relationship with my in laws and you will probably understand that all is not lost!
Keep me informed if you have been able to make a breakthru!
Worried replied. I feel bad for you and your situation! But you have to understand one thing, and tho' this may sound very hard hearted and relentless, pls believe me this is going to hold you in good stead!
(A)Please don't ever show your weakness for your child to your husband or your in-laws and be prepared for the worst !(God Forbid)! The moment they find that they are ableto twist your arm because of your attachment to your kid they are only going to use it against you!BUT OFCOURSE this does not mean that you become aloof!
(B)NEVER let your son come to India alone with your in-laws at whatever cost! You may never get to see him again! Pls note I am not trying to scare you here .......! You are the Mother and you will be the only one in charge of your child/children with the exception of your husband who will work in sync with your ideas and not as he pleases.......this should be the firm yet subtle message that you send out in your own manner!
(C) Be Firm with your husband and let him know that you will not tolerate any kind of nonsense on his part or his parents part! It is a sad but true phenomena that we Indians have This stupid Ladke wallas and Ladkiwallas........!Be very polite to your in laws but don't bow down to their every whim and if there is something you don't like that they do to you tell them firmly but politely. You have been married 7 long years and have borne all this nonsense so changes cannot happen over night but you are the best judge of how soon you can get out of this mess by being more assertive!
(D) You are an independent working woman.........I'm sure you command enuff respect and love at your workplace so why the difference in your own home! You be prepared for the worst but tell yourself that you are not going to just go in for a divorce at the first instance and that you are going to be strong and work things out your way! Hey your in-laws are with you only for 3-4 months in a year the rest of the time you have you hubby to mould him and make him like you want him! Guys are regular Idiots and I am sure you have realised after all these years what hold his MOM has on him that you don't! Use it sweets and watch the FUN! Hey, I don't want to sound bitchy and all but you got something that his MOM can't give him.....now hold him by his most sensitive organ and make him do your thing your way! C'mon, I know I sound Radical and brash but hey its and Mother-in-law eat daughter-in-law world out there and if you are smart then you are going to enjoy and reap the fruits of your smartness! Don't get ethical about life at this juncture, its YOU against the big bad world out there and the choice is yours!
friend replied. Hi there,
I totally agree with previous reply. Get independent and that will solve lots of problem. Does your in-law live with you?
Concerned replied. Hi there, I truly am sorry to hear about your life's outcome. But dont give up hope. It's not the end of the world. Start working if u dont already. It may cause a lot of commotion but put your foot down and do it. First it will give u a lot of moral booost, help u be financially independent and in case there is any future child battle(god forbid) u will not have to give in to anybody. I am surprised that there are men still not mature enough to grow out of their parent's shadow. Make your husband understand that u will not tolerate your parents being insulted just as he would not tolerate his parents being insulted! But try to concentrate your life arounf your child. He should give u enough strength to survive and motivation to fend for both your sake. dont let them tak eyour only hope(your child) away from u whatever happens. Wish u all the best.
2001-12-26
#21
Name: Jasmine Subject: Hey!
You know your FIL sounds alot like my FIL and MIL. They have played horrid games like this but I wasnt' as strong as you to tell my parents not to call them. I was stupid and scared and my parents have taken so much shit from my in-laws it burns me up everytime I think about it.
I get the same bullshit that we treated her like our daughter and she doesn't give us any respect, blah, blah, blah. I so sick an tired of all of it. Since when has my husband treated my parents with any respect? When have they treated my parents with any respect to deserve any respect back? It is so ridiculous.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know it can't be easy because I know it isn't for me at all.
2001-12-31
#22
Name: Concerned Subject: Hi girls
Girls,
I am really sorry that this year has been so bad for all of us. I hope the coming year is better and that our in-laws learn a thing or two. I also hope that in case they dont God punishes them to remind them that there is someone above them too. Why they have suc a superiority complex is beyond me. My mil cried to my hubby before she left telling him that she is sooo worried about him. Maybe she meant that she didnt find the right wife for him! But only time will tell, wont it?
take care and dont take any rubbish from them.
2001-12-25
#23
Name: Worried Subject: Hi Again!
Yeah Jasmine you are so right it is probably the time of the year or rather the perennial problem with being married! I findsolace in being able to share my sorrows here and so I keep my sanity going as well!
My inlaws aren't just the pits they are down right mean and horrid! They have played such a dirty game with me that I don't think I will ever find it in my heart to forgive them - I mean EVER! I am so angry and depressed and the worst part of all this is that despite the open challenge that my FIL threw at my mom that he is going to see to it that he seperates us he has been lying about everything ever since - The gall of these guys and then they wanted to be treated with respect!
Just to be able to show me down they played this ego game with me and then brought it to a point where they expected me and my parents to apologise to them and I would have none of it and therefore refused my parent s to speak with them.....to which he lied to his son about how my MOM spoke with him over the phone - All the lies h could think up ......So the dutiful and idiotic son confronts me with the same and I refused to accept blame in my parents name and so went and confronted my FIL with the same stuff and he was unable to answer any of my questions.....Simply because he was th guilty one! Ofcourse in the course of blaming my mom for her words he completely forgot to mention that he had forgotten all his manners and used foul language with a lady and when I reminded him about it he could not even find the guts to acknowledge the fact that he had done the same! These in-laws are all made of the same matter and that is heartless - and the best part is ofcourse that my FIL swore to his dear son that he had always treated me as a daughter and so when I asked him whether his behaviour as of yesterday and today was befitting that of a very loving father he was again lost for words! - But ofcourse he would have told his son otherwise! These Dirty people - I wonder why they can't all be like the girl's parents !
2001-12-24
#24
Name: Jasmine Subject: To Concerned and Worried
Hello girls -
Must be that time of the year!!! It seems that our in-laws are at it again. In my case it is both my in-laws and dear husband whom I really can't understand anymore nor do I have the energy or want to understand them at all.
We are all back in the same boat. I don't know about the both of you but I am so frustrated that I just can not understand it anymore. I am so depressed now the only thing keeping me sane is my child.
How are the both of you? What is going on?
2001-11-23
#25
Name: Worried Subject: Hi Everybody!
Hey everyone where are you.
My in-laws are the pits just to spite me they are willing to cut their noses but I'm sure they will learn a lesson very soon and repent for the rest of their lives. They are actually bringing in a girl for their younger son whom they know has a bad past and a worse family upbringing......just because they believe they can play her against me. But I'm sure they will be sorry very soon and the best part is that their son - MY DH actually agrees with me on this for once!
How are you girls doing out there?No news for a long time so I presume that you people are doing well!
2001-12-14
#26
Name: Jasmine Subject: not well
Hi girls -
Not doing too well. My in-laws have their way of getting in even when they are not here and I am now under the belief that my husband isn't any better because he is begininig to think like them as well. I brought up a point with him about things his parents said to me which really upset me and it was turned around to me accusing them of things, etc., etc. I am so sick and tired of this bullshit! Now I know they are not here to cause the problem but they have brain washed him and his attitude has changed over the years that he is now thinking and behaving the way they want him to.
Worried - I am sorry that you are in such a situation. I know it is not easy.
2001-11-26
#27
Name: Concerned Subject: hi girls
Hi everyone,
things were going on fine after my mil left but it has started again thru my SIL who convinced her bro that he and i are at fault. I am so sick of them that i dont want to see their faces ever again. my hubby doesnt think rationally...he blindly beleives what he is being told and agrees totally with htem....i am not going to let that dampen my spirit and cheer. pl...keep giving me the courage and support u've always given. goood luck.
2001-10-29
#28
Name: Worried Subject: They Did it again!
Hi Girls
I have just returned fresh from a holiday with my in laws and very hurt. I can fully well relate to all you girls out there who said that your husbands change everytime their moms are around! My MIL devious as she is smartly managed and I looked thru each and everyone of her moves and could do little about it! She did not even let my baby eat properly cos' she knew that this would hurt me terribly! (We went to their house in their home town)
The end result my husband behaved he did not know me and had this look of scorn on his face and my maid who I had taken along to help me with the baby ended up helping my MIL instead and all her relatives and I was left to do all the work. Not that that helped....she made my life MISERABLE! They all got together and wouldn't let me help my baby who was constipated and in pain! No medicines were allowed to be given and they wouldn't agree to the fact that she was having a problem! End result I just blew up yesterday at my husband and I hate the man to the extent that I feel ashamed that I married such a WIMP! Forget taking care of me He could not even take care of his own flesh and blood! Real to Life @#$!%*@##@!!!!! I cannot believe that after handling him with so much care he turned out the way he did!
2001-11-05
#29
Name: Concerned Subject: Dont worry..there'll be better times ahead
hi worried,
i am coming back after a long time as i have internet restrictions at work. i am very sorry to hear about the attitude change of your husband. But i am not surprised as it happens to me all the time. u will wonder what the hell does my mil do to him for him to loose his power of reasoning and morality. they dont think for a moment that we are their better halves and that we need as much respect for being their child's mom as their own moms. what is the use of education if their attitude is similar to that of rural people. the transformation when their moms a re around is unbeleivable! u wont beleive it but htere is a lag-over too...ie. after the incident too ebven if they are not with their moims they have that attitude for some time like about a month or two. scary...and irritating ...i agree but what is our alternative....these men are ready to dance to their mother's tune at every given chance....in my opinion, its their thinking that this will teach us to be submissive(which i certainly am not) when we are alone with them. whom are they kidding? this actuallly makes them fall in our eyes and makes us more stubborn and determined that this will not ever happen again to us.
dont let your mil tell u what u need to do to take care of your children...i've vowed that the day she does that to me...i will clearly tell her that as a mom i know what is right for my child...any advice is welcome but i will do what is best in the interest of my child.....no-one , will dictate terms in that aspect....i will fight my husband if i have to when it comes to that! hope we all get enough strength to face our cruel in-laws and our puppeted husbands!
dont fret, get bold.
2001-11-05
#30
Name: Friend Subject: I am so sorry!
Hi Worried
I am so sorry to hear that you had such a horrible vacation. Men are real dogs when they get near their parents, especially on vacation in their parents home. You did the right thing by blowing up at your husband, let him understand that you and your child are to be number one in his life. Your baby is yours and noone elses and parents can give their advice, family can give their advice but it is you who has to decide what to do. I let my in-laws get their way on many things except my child. They are not to tell me what to do. Certain things I give in but others I do not, especially on my child's health and neither should you. Your baby is yours and only you have a right as to what your baby should be given or not, next time don't let them do this...tell them that you prefer to give your baby this medication because you know it will work.
Good luck
2001-10-19
#31
Name: Torn in Two Subject: Just listening
Hello - I have been reading everyone's responses and discussions since I posted. It hasn't been easy for me but things are improving now slowly. I have taken everyone's advice and learned from everyone's experiences.
It is sad that we have these things in common but at least we all know that we are not alone.
Thank you for your support and advice and sharing your problems and concerns.
2001-10-15
#32
Name: Worried Subject: Hi Again!
Hello everyone
How are you doing and dear torn in two you started this board and have disappeared - How are you faring? Hope things are alright amongst the rest of our harried lot!
2001-10-15
#33
Name: Concerned Subject: Relief
Dear Girls,
I am finally breathing normal again after my mil left us to return home last week. Cant tell u how relieved i am though she has totally changed the the basic sweet nature of my husband to that of a husband who thinks that his wife is always wrong and that his mother is always right. Worse , she is not too healthy so he wants to be able to be with her and take care of her needs. It's ok by me only if he remembers that i too am around but that never happens.so there's a big struggle yet to happen. things were sort of ok when she left but always it's just a matter of time nad also she will be influenced by others around her - they are always there to poison her mind against me! so life goes on like this. Hope things are ok with everyone. keep in touch.
2001-09-04
#34
Name: Worried Subject: So Right!
Girls , you are so right I can't understand why beneath all the sweetness there is so much of deceit and malicious intent hidden! I am very fed up like you people say there is always that hidden intention to cause a problem in the in-laws minds and it is kind of irritating because they think they are soooo clever and the fact is that they are. My inlaws have been upto their games again and they are so clever with them that I can't even point their games to my husband -simply because their games are so beautifully manipulated. The husband believes that so sweet look at my parents they think so much for us and they can never be wrong but what he doesn't realise is that they are so crooked in their thinking that its not funny anymore.But though it eats me inside I have stuck with my policy of DON'T show any irritation to them as they will only revel in the same. So I show my irrittation in my mood swings etc., which also gets their goat! Ha!
2001-10-03
#35
Name: apara Subject: thank you friends !
Hello dear friends,
Thank you all very much for your support and encouragement. Thank you Jasmine for your support. Jasmine, I was literally taken aback after hearing your stories. I am very sorry. Even after having so well educated we have to go through all this. What is the difference between our lives and the life of the house maids or slum-dwellers ? At least in their class in laws and men are known for this kind of behaviour. Our people will just pretend to be sophasticated and well mannered. At home they are as good as these drunkard slum people who torture the wife just because their parents will tell them against us. From whatever you all have written I can make out that you all are staying in the world's most advanced country - US. If people staying in such an advanced country don't have that advanced and broad mind, then my husband is not to be blamed at all. We are staying in India and in a culturally conservative city like Pune. How will he have that broad outlook ? He will continue playing mama's boy. At times I ask him whether I should take his mother's permission even for going to the toilet or what.
Jasmine, you won't believe. I told all about my first day and advises for honeymoon to my husband after five years of our marriage. And as anticipated he did not believe me. He went to his mother and asked her. As usual she made big drama. I told her to swear on all her holy books which she just keeps on reading the whole day. But she straight away denied having said anything like this. Such a bitch she is !
Now a days i just ignore her. For me she does not exist. She is not going to chane her opinion about me now. So i just do whatever i want without listning to her barking. Thankfully I am out of the house for 12 hrs. At night i just spend time with my daughter taking her homework and all.
In the beginning I was of course very nice to her. I always celebrated her birthdays, their anniverseries, bought costly gifts for them. But she has got that whimsical and complaining nature. She will never be satisfied. She cannot get along with her own brothers and sisters. Noone in our society talks to her. Because she has fought with almost everyone. So people know whose nature is like what. That is why i have decided to follow my own way without bothering any one else.
wish you all good luck friends. Be tough and bold.
looking forward to hear from you all again.
2001-10-01
#36
Name: Jasmine Subject: We are in this together!
Hi girls, welcome Apara. I am so sorry to hear about everything you have gone through. I remember earlier on in my marriage my MIL was trying to find out from me if my husband and I used contraceptives or not,or what we did. My MIL wanted me to take birth control pills and I out right refused, she went so far as to tell my husband to convince me. Well I played their little game and went to the doctor but then I told my husband that I will not take anything or do anything because there are too many reactions with pill and other intra-uterine devices. I refuse and if he wants to use something then he can but I will not. I find it rather disgusting that they want to know this. My husband and I didn't even go on a honeymoon, it was cancelled at the last moment without even consulting me but I let it go. After so many years these things hurt but I put them aside.
Every year there is always something more to add. My FIL had the nerve to tell me one day that I would have had my husband wrapped around my hand a few days after my marriage if I had wanted to but I messed up. He told me that there are two ways to satisfy a man and that is through his belly and below . How disgusting is that to hear from your FIL!! I was shocked and I am waiting for the right time to tell my husband although I know he won't believe me but so be it, that is nothing new either.
Apara - we are all here for you. You are not alone. I hope you will join us. Take care and love to you all!!
2001-09-27
#37
Name: Concerned Subject: Hi there
hi apara, welcome to the only place where u can be yourself and talk about your feelings about in-laws. all of us once felt relieved after knowing that we not not the only ones who face mil problems...yes, they are witches. but why they do it even though they themselves have daughters is beyond me. i guess they still are good mils like your mom. we can all help each other. sorry to hear your story but u are not alone!!!
2001-09-27
#38
Name: apara Subject: feeling relaxed and still stronger
Hi all dear friends,
Perhaps you all won't imagine how much you all have helped me regaining my strength of mind. I used to think I am the only one in the world having got this witch as a MIL. And how can her son be also an exception? He is also equally a mama's boy. As if we don't have parents and they have not done anything for us. It was my father who gave me such good education and it was always my parents who encouraged me to do a good job. My mother had seen the ad in the newspaper and she had come all the way to our house to show it that too in the afternoon at 2 o'clock. But this witch goes around telling evryone that because she does so many Poojas and fasts and reads so many holy books, I could get a good job. But her son could not benefit because of me. I turned out to be a bad omen for him as he is still struggling to get a good job. He does not want to make hard work, does not want to improve his qualifications, then what can I do ? But this witch will not see the faults of her son. She will only blame me for anything. My first day of the marriage was also horrible. We were about to go inside the bedroom, then she called me and telling me that we should not use any cotraceptives because it is very harmful. Best way is he should sleep outside on the sofa. She is telling me this infront of all her sisters. The bed was full of the luggage of all the guests with a very shabby bedsheet on it. I only removed all the bags, cleaned the bedsheet. when we were leaving for the honeymoon, she is asking why we require 5 days over there. We went on wednesday and came back on friday. Before leaving she is telling me not to hold each other's hands while walking and all and behave decently. How disgusting !! is she jealous because she could not do all this ? It is all old story for me now. Now it is 7 and half years we are married. Our daughter is now 5 yrs. old and this witch has got one more customer now to bitch about me. She has already created very bad impression about me for my husband. He does not respect me at all. For him his mama is the world. Now she poisons my daughter's ears too about me. But now a days children are also very smart. They understand everything. I tell most of the things to my daughter also about what all she has done when my daughter was a baby. My daughter should not get a bad impression about me. I am toiling and moiling for her only the whole day. Of course my mother also tells my daughter what is right and what is wrong in a language and words which she will understand. So hopefully this witch cannot snatch my daughter away from me. Friends, we say that all the MILs are alike in the world. But our mother is also somebody's MIL. How do they don't have any problems with each other ? My sis-in -law respects my mother like anything bcos my mother has first done so much for her. She never interfers in their life. She never forces my sil to do anything. She never tells my brother anything about her. Why can't these witches behave like this ? They will just hunt for undue respect as returns of this torture. Friends, Sisters, I am feeling much better now after I wrote what ever I felt. Who can we go to and tell all this so freely? Now I think we all should encourage each other and strengthen each other to face all these frustrated elements in the society. We should also try our best to give the society a very healthy-minded next generation when our children grow up.
Bye for now friends ! Keep in touch.
2001-09-26
#39
Name: Concerned Subject: Similarity
Dear Worried and Jasmine,
I cant tell u how much we all think alike...it's as though u girls have read my mind. this was exactly what i discussed with a friend some days ago. They make the son feel so guilty that he has not done anything nearly as comparable to what they;ve done for their children...even our parents have done that and any parent would do it for their children. my mil even today tells my hubby once in a while that -U r what u R because of us! and my Mil has told my dad once during some misunderstanding that if not for her and her husband my hubby wouldnt be in this world....how cheap! but what can we do...we cant tell them to stop bragging about their sacrifices...we cant tell our husbands not to feel guilty towards their parents. no all we can do is watch them helplessly suffer. that's why my hubby supports my mils views...bcos he gets confused with gratitude. It's impossible to return their gratitude unless u r single forever and dedicate your likfe towards them. This tactics of parents is cruel. The dont mind hurting their children in the process! This is a standard formula mindgame i guess cos this doesnt just happen in our family!
2001-09-26
#40
Name: jasmine Subject: Totally agree
Worried -
You are right, someone has to start somewhere for their to be any kind of change. I intend on doing that because I really don't believe women should so ill-treated.
I have a feeling that mothers (our MIL's) are like this because we are their competition. They don't want to let go of their sons or controll on them. Think about it, they can not controll their husbands so they controll their children. A daughter will do what she wants to make her huband and family happy, right? Well in Indian society a son is told that the parents are his responsbility and he is obligated to take care of them. Well that is what parents use to get their way. We are old, we need you to take care of us, look at how much we have sacrificed for you, look at how much we have given you, etc. I hear this every year from my in-laws. But guess what,every parent does whatever they can for the sake of their children and because we love our children and want to be able to provide for them and give them the things they want and make them good individuals, right?
Well then why do parents have to rub it in our faces that we have done so much for you? We know all that, we appreciate eveyerything that has been done and guess what we will do the same for our children if not more. I really hope I don't do to my child what my in-laws are doing to their son. I know every year they say we did this for you and that for you and that is very good of them that they have sacrificed and done so much for their son but then why tell him every time. Why does it have to be a constant reminder for him and then he realizes well I have to do this for my parents, that must be it. A bloody mind game it is!!!
It makes me so mad when I think about it. Have to go now.
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