Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi All,

I am a silent memeber of this board and have been reading all the messages. I really feel that people here give an unbiased opinion and very good support which is need.

So i decided that I will post my problem here. I have been married for 2.5 yrs now. My husband is a good, loving and caring guy. Ofcourse we have our share of arguments but all that is forgotten in a few hours. I basically have the below three problems. Friends, please help me with these issues, your replies/advice/suggestions are most awaited.

1) My husband was working in a IT firm. But due to some problems, the firm got closed. Now it has been 2 years since then, but he has not found a job yet. Currently he is freelancing, doing projects for some company. We do not have a financial problem as I am working and also my in-laws support us. My in-laws dont stay with us, but have a seperate house in the same city. When ever I ask my husband about the job, he says, ' Dont worry, i will handle it. Just give me some more time' . In the begining I used to think that he is right and agreed to give him more time. But now i feel that 2 yrs is a sufficient amount of time and atleast now he should have a job.After all how long can we depend on his parents? How should i make him understand that he cannot continue freelancing for ever, he has to get a job. Whenever we fight or argue over this issue, he attends a couple of interview and then again its back to normal. He does not even discuss what his plans are.

2) Now that is 2.5 yrs since i have been married, I want to have a baby to complete my family. But my husband says that he should get a job first and then think about the baby. And this waiting is getting endless now. Every where I go my relavtives and friends ask me about the same thing. And some of his relatives have also started asking if I have some problmes that i cannot conceive. I try a lot to ignore their remarks but eventually these things affect me and i end up having a fight with my husband. This issue is bothering me a lot. I cant have a kid, till my husband gets a job and I have not idea when that will happen. Again, please tell me how I can handle this situation?
3) This is an in-laws problem. I agree they are helping us a lot. But for every thing we need to take their permission. Even to buy a windor curtain in my house, I have to ask them and buy what they like and not what I like. I feel they interfere in our life a lot. I have to give them an account of how much I earn, where and how much I spent etc. I am not allowed to spend anything from my earned money without their permission. Why do they behave like this? Even though they live separately, they are constantly interefering in our lives. If I buy a new dress they have to know when i bought it, from where and how much it cost. Once my mil even told me not to use any kind of contraceptives!!! Now what is this? Cant I have a life of my own? My husband tells me to just say ' Yes' to every thing they say and do as i please. I do that most of the times, but sometimes its too much for me to handle. Its as if they want to keep a good control over me and my husband.

Please friends, give me some suggestions to handle all these issues... I will be very thankfull to you.... raj replied. Thanx for feedback.But if you are able to manage with his incoem alone,then he may feel he is doing his nit and youdont need to worry.Maybe you need to give both of yousome omore tiem as he seeems to be doing well in freelancing.Let it rest for some tiem.The more you seem anxious for him to ' settle' ,the more he will back off.My ideas are meant to be tried over several weeks/months,dont lose heart,be patient,nothing that patience cant achieve in this world.
i' m happy to hear that you have ILs who dont mind helping their sons out financially,here not only hubby takes care of their every need,they still resent when hubby as much as gets a new dress for me.But I' m used to this by now as hubby shows me lots of care and respect now. raj replied. Hi dear,
Trying out ideas-see if they help you.
1.Try to get as organised and systematic as possible.Tell him that you feel you arew asting your life going nowhere and want a direction and purpose.
2.As part of becoming systematic,start running house more efficiently,fixed routines for mealtimes,wakeup,sleep etc.
3.Start jotting down daily expenses,fix budjets for monthly and annual expenditures,look inot investments,do you both want to invest in real estate?Discuss finanace issues with him.Tell him you are serious about planning for both your futures.
4.After he sees meaning in all this ,slowly you can show him how much it takes (money) to bring up a child.Teh effort,biological age of parents,retirement age of parents vis a vis child' s age of maturity,all such calculations you cd go thru w him.He should get the message that you are getiing more responsible about your future together as well as trying to provide for kid(s) too.Maybe after these steps of awakening,he may realise that time does not wait.
5.You could also start trying for a baby w/without his consent(although that does not sound too fair).Ababy' s arrival does stri up protective instincts in most humans and he may realsie the need to ' settle' too.Also,he probably count on your income,so you need to tell him you need a break when baby arrives and he needs to provid then.
6.If inlaws are supporting you,they will ask for detalis,this is thier way of being sure their hard earned money is mnot frittered for silly reeasons.Maybe your mil knows her son better so she is talking to you abt pills,baby etc.Dont take it negative right away,unless she is indecent in other ways.IF you dont like their Q/A about expenses you need to stop taking their help,can you do that now?
7.You cd also impress onyour hubby that both of you shd actually help ur old parents instead of taking help from them.
All these are my ideas,hope at least 1 or 2 work fo ryou.I' ll also appreciate if you tell me if you found this post useful or not.
thanx
raj


KUNJULAKSHMI replied.
Dear sister,

Keep away all your problems and try to be a mother. Time and Tide waits for no one.

So many people make time table for Children' s birth and for some of them this timetable will not work. Babies are a gift from God, accept it as early as possible.

Tell your MIL that your husband is reluctant to have a baby. Then she will advise her son to have Baby and no doubt he will accept it.

For the time being keep away other worries. Chameli replied. Hi

Now don' t mistake me if i say something.If u don' t like what i say,just ignore it.

1.May be ur husband got used up to freelance because it is better than having to go to office everyday.So speak with him about his idea.U too start trying for him.Y don' t u register in a consultancy for him.

I' m not sure abt ur inlaws.If u find them good enough with their son' s future,just try to get them advice their son or atleast try to find out if they r in the idea that their son shud work or they think tis better for him to freelance.

2.As Meenakshi said child is very important.Convince ur husband some how.If is not at all agreeing,then u can' t keep waiting.So if u r on pills.Miss them around the ovulation date.Later u can say it accidentally happened.Child means added responsibility so ur husband wud naturally want to take a better position.


3.As for ur inlwas, they r supporting u financially.So be patient.Also if u r planning to get pregnant before ur husband settles in a job,then u need their support.since u r now in such a practice it is not good for u to with draw suddenly.

Then for buying window curtains and all,y do u tell them when u r planning to buy.Just buy and then show it to them.For dresses don' t show ur dress at all.If they ask something after seeing the acounts,just casually add that u bought a dress and before they ask u details abt ur dress,just excuse urself for some water r something.Then for questions such as contraceptive y don' t u tell her yes and tell that her son wants to wait till he gets a job.Or she might think that u have some problem.When u have nothing u need not face that kind of humiliation. meenakshi replied. Hello Mrinali

i read yr problems, in my opinion control yr money according to yr wish, not necessary to give each and every details to yr hus and inlaws. U give some expense details in round figure to yr inlaws if u don' t give nothing they will not give u any financial benefit. So u hv to think before act anything.

In most of the cases inlaws don' t support financially, in yr case u r very lucky, yr in-laws are helping u.

2) Child is very important, so tell yr hus if the baby comes automatically luck will also come to yr door. so don' t wait for the time. time will change if baby comes.

3) U also try for yr hus job. Why he is not getting job, enquire abt it. Definitly he will get a good job. In the project work also he will get good money.

What abt yr parents. r they supporting u. for the moral support u discuss with them also. they will also guide u for smooth family life.

Best wishes,