Relationships  Discussion Forum

Hi,
I am 27 yr old. I am married from 2.5 years and mother of a 1 yr 3 months old baby girl. I am working in a s/w company. My husband is also working in a s/w company as a senior consultant. He earns very good money.My marriage was a arranged marriage and we got the proposal from internet. He spoke to me over phone and later my parents went to his native place and finalised the marriage. He belongs to a very poor family. His mother is no more, father is very old. Since this guy earns good money and frequently travel onsite, he has constructed a house in his native. In that house his bother,bothers wife with 2 kids (9yr,10yr) and father inlaw stays.My husband has 5 sisters, out of those 1 sister is very attached to him and this lady doesn' t have kid. My husband financially supports all these people totally. I dont have any objection for this. This is the background of my husband family and important thing is they all are illiterate except my husband. My family is a very well to do family. My father is a senior class one officer. I have one brother who is also working in s/w company.
After I got married my husband started misbehaving me. He bits me,tells vulgar language etc. Sometimes he bahaves very politely also. His behaviour is very irratic. Initially I was compromising. Then I told my parents. My parents informed his brother as his father is very old (80yrs). But his brother kept quite. He forced me to have baby also. I thought it can be a bond for our relationship. So I agreed for that. I delivered baby girl. No one from his side came to see my baby. He always tells that as his family members are illiterate they cant come by train. After one month of my delivery I went to his place alone with the baby. During my stay at my inlaws place he suddenly came there. One day he again started quarelling with me and slapped me like a criminal. I informed his brother but invain. His family is totally involved in all these.My parents came n spoke to my husband. Anyway my husband became cool n flied back to his working place n I stayed with my parents. My husband asked me to come back, I thought lets take a chance. But its happening repeatedly.He is not guilty. I joined my company after my maternity leave. He asked his sister to come and take the baby to his native as I will be joining in my work. I opposed it and informed my parents. They came here and we all left his house, took a new house and stayed separately. After one week my husband left for US which we came to know later. From there he wanted to keep in touch with me. Anyway again I made up my mind and for my baby I joined him in US by taking leave of 1 1/2 months from my company. There he started telling me to quit the job. But as his behaviour is irratic n am not secured I said I cant quit the job n came back to India. Later he came back from onsite and requested me to stay with him. I left the house which I had taken and started staying with him. After staying with him for 2 months again same problem (quit the job/stay with his family etc..)
I dont know what to do. His family members doesnt want this relationship to exsist so that all the money will go to them. He never asks me while sending money to them. I dont mind if he is financially helping his brother. My husband is more concerned about his bothers family n his kids not about our life.Even he doesn' t want to buy house here as he has a house in his native.He doesnt want any kind of establishment here.He is not concerned about our baby also. now my parents are staying with me as they are feeling am not secured and I have to go to ofc. My parents are taking care of my baby. My husband has gone onsite. Mu husband from the begining is not tolerating my parents. He has a severe inferiority complex. If I ask who will take care of my child if I go to ofc, he will tell my sister or my brothers wife will take care of the baby, so give the baby to them.He has also asked my parents to get out of his house. so I have decided to leave the house permanently and to be separated.His mind set is totally a different type. He wants me to stay with him during his stay at offshore and when he will go to onsite, I have to stay with his family. What ever he is earning I have to manage with that money with his brothers family, though I can earn money but he is not interested in my money. also he will not give us comfortable life as he has to give support for his family. He does not have any feeling for me n my child. Please advise. meenakshi replied. Hello

I read yr family problems. In my opinion u should think about the following points practially.
1) Yr job is very important due to which u r financially strong and need not depend on yr hus for finance.
2) Every day quarelling and insulting will not only affect yr carreer but also yr baby' s mind.
3)All quarells is mainly due to yr hus relations with yr inlaws. So u stay separately either u purchase yr own house or stay with yr parents. If u purchase a flat then automatically yr hus may come to stay with u afterwards if u r very strong . That is u don' t give more weigtage to him. If he comes OK otherwise be OK like that..
4) Don' t give money to him, try to get money from him for yr baby.
5) Watch his attitude, if he does' nt come to see u and yr child within one year then u can think abt the separation only if u r interested to remarry. that is if u r not interested to remarry then don' t leave him to remarry.

Think practically not emotionally. if u r not able to take a decision, then write abt him for yr reference only that is his good qualities and his bad qualities, compare it , u can take decision easily.. now u r young ... afterwards physical attachment will not be there .. think abt it..

meenakshi renu replied. Hai friend,

I felt really sorry reading ur message.marriage itself is not life-its part of life.I REALIZED WITH MY EXPERIENCES AND PASSING YRS....theres one lfe to live-and u have right to live happily.dont ever give ur baby for anyone.u can tackle both work and baby' s welfare as many women do.just give a try one more time for a better marriage,if doesnt work just lead ur life -u already have an angel to love u for ever.BE STRONG AND WISE.NEVER GIVE A CHANCE TO ANYONE SLAP U OR INSULT U.LIVE WITH SELF-RESPECT.WISH U
GOOD LUCK AND TAKE CARE.

urs friend. dia replied. hi pp,
Probbaly u can lead ur life without him as he has no feelings for u and ur baby. His brother' s family is heavily influencing his mind than his own family..STRANGE! Take ur path but not when he is onsite...Let him come India and discuss with him that u want a happy family life like anyother lady has...Especially just like ur co-sister has (His brother also more concerned about his wife and kids ,so he is ruining his own brother' s life ,right? Tell him this fact) .Convey him clearly... U just want an individual family with nice relations with inlaws and family...but u cant tolerate him giving more concentration to them than ur baby...If he' s gonna do the same , u want to live sparate.
When he is here, tell him with a cool mind. Who knows, any miracle can happen and he might understand the fact how his brother has a family and y he shd loose his family that is u and baby? So give it a try for a cool discussion when he returns, Also tell him when they all kick him out , u' ll be ready to treat him well . Probably it might make him realise he need someone who love him dearly.
If nothing work out, just leave him and lead a life with peace and happiness. dddd replied. Hey you are a very strong woman and a good woman too. First of all your husband is lucky to have a wife like you.Only he doesnt realize it. I was in a abusive relationship till last year.But after 4 yrs of pain i took legal action and that set right my husband.
Dont think ofleaving your job for a moment as thats a strong back up in any case.In this case you may want to think about leaving your husband for some time. Dont let anybody raise your baby.She is your joy and shud be raised by people whom you love and trust.
My in laws are as old as yours but in good health. That doesnt stop them from trying to separate me from my husband. I dont live with them but still can have the effect of their talk with my husband.
In this case some distance will help i think. Think about it and come to a decision.Best of luck and post back.Take care of the baby and you. Tony S replied. Sorry to hear your story. But BE STRONG. Your husband is only playing around with u.
First and foremost, dont give the baby to anybosy. It is yours completely, since he has no feelings for the baby, it is onlyu biologically his. Pl. digest this hard fact.
Secondly, dont ever give up your job - your hubby has a complex and is trying to put u down, so he does not want u to be powerful by being a working woman.
Thirdly, stand up for yourself and tell him that he has misbehaved disrespectfully in the past and he better behave properly or u just walk out on him and if he tries to raise his hand or anything, make a huge outcry, create a big issue, call all family members. Lastly u r not safe with him, because if a man slaps the woman once and she keeps quiet he thinks she will always forgive me and repeat the behaviour. U must give him back, please do not get emotional, whatever good moments u shared keep them as good memory - but thats it memory. Severe all ties with him and take your parents help and supprt to bring up the child and have a good career. But dont give him your bank account details ir dont give him any money. save it for your and your daughters future only. He is not worth spending any time and effort. MOVE ON. You can do it. BE STRONG.